Boxer1

I've read many posts here, makes me a lurker I guess. The first time I drank I was in Canada (Im American) and about 14 or so. I was tall and have mature features but was very much a naive boy. Problem is I was with a church group and they gave us freedom to go shopping. I (w a couple of friends) saw a sign for a nude club and we dared each other to go in. Never one to turn down a challenge (at that time) I walked in 1st certain we would never pull it off. Ill spare the details but by the time we met up w the group I couldnt stand up wo help and puked in the park where we all met back up. I had to call my parents the next day and explain what happened but the worst thing was having to tell Reverend Irish (who I looked up to,ironic name) why and how I wasnt allowed to be with the group anymore. It was humiliating for me and much worse for my parents who busted their asses to support me and be upstanding members, couldnt have been worse. For a normal person that would have been enough to tell them, whoa....Ill never do that again. I began hanging out with other guys who did the same, not on purpose but I guess its true that alcoholics have a way of finding each other. I ended up getting 2 DUIs in 2 years. I was a boxer and did pro stand up comedy (errr....yeah, Tell jokes..pay me cash and I dont have to wake up until 4pm Haha...What can go wrong?) and it destroyed my motivation which is everything. Fast forward 20 years and my son is in advanced honors classes and just got sponsored by a huge shoe company for skateboarding (he just turned 13) Im really sorry for the long post but I have never bare my soul to anyon before even though I have been married for 15 years. I have been a successful litigation consultant with the same company for 13 years and earned a great reputation despite my dirty secret which I manage to fake well, I guess. At the suface people would think I have the world by the tail but thats not the case. I preach to my boy that you NEVER lie, cheat or steal and he has lived by that but being messed up (not slobbering but he knows me as well as I know him. He sees it) its hipocrisry. I think that as long as you "believe" you fool people you have a way of justifying it if things are going well even though you know its a matter of time. NEVER said this to ANYONE or suggested weakness. Probably makes me weaker than those who stand up.

Dee74

Hi neirishman

I don't find anything weak in admitting you have a problem, or coming here and unburdening yourself.

To be honest for me that was the first step to my recovery.

All of us have the capacity to change our lives and turn things around - I know you'll find a lot of support here - welcome

D

Hevyn

Welcome to the family neirishman - I'm so glad you found us.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're trying to do the right thing by seeking help and by wanting to make your life better. There's no shame in being an alcoholic - and you have plenty of company here. We all understand how you feel, and want to help you move forward as you heal. Please keep talking to us.

Amy2011

Many of us still have the "yets" out there. I still had my husband, kids, home, car, and job when I crawled into recovery 1 year ago begging for help. What I didn't have was my self-respect or a sober, happy life. I have 2 smart, wonderful, talented children who were living in chaos because of my alcoholism. My life was like a spinning top waiting to go over the edge of the table and crash to floor. Today life is better, I am saner, my kids are happier. I got sober to partcipate in my life and I am so happy I did. I feel very blessed that I didn't have to lose my husband, kids, home, job, etc in order to see that alcohol was no longer working for me. Admitting you have a problem and choosing recovery is hard for most everyone. No one's childhood dream is to be an alcoholic. As the child of an alcoholic I am so glad to have broken the cycle. I have shown my 2 daughters, 10 and 12, that there is another way to live. Good luck. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

artsoul

Welcome neirishman!

On the contrary, it takes courage to admit we have a problem and reach out for help. We've all been there...... I worked really hard to hide my drinking, even from myself. Keep reading and posting - you'll find lots of understanding and support here.

Boxer1

I was buzzed when I posted last but my intention wasnt to be self absorbed which is how it came across when I read it again sober later. As I said, I am struggeling (and horrified I cant spell that word correctly) and am sick of living this lie. I think that the reason I mentioned my past "accomplishments" was to illustrate that I have done things that most would not have the courage to do but I am in awe by the people on this site who have more balls than me to own it and overcome. I feel like my life has been like a Hollywood western movie set. On the front it looks great but come around the back and you see the fronts are just propped up and there is nothing behind it. Sorry if I offended anyone....

Amy2011

If you are sick of living a lie what are you going to do differently to change things? We have all been there. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and jump off the cliff into the sea of recovery. The water will be a shock to your system, but after awhile you learn to tread water and then you start swimming again. Just find a program of recovery that works for you, commit to it, and follow through.

richsshorty

Thank you for baring your soul and being so honest!! I learned in the program that telling is the best way to get past something. You really shared alot. Especially the last part about thinking no one knows and we think it's okay because everything seems good. Wow!! That's how i've been living my life for the last four years up until today!! So please post more honesty!!

artsoul

I didn't find your post self-absorbed at all...... I think you described how so many of us felt when we were drinking: How could we do everything we set our minds to, but couldn't conquer the urge to pick up a drink? Just doesn't make sense.....

I can tell you one thing, though..... it's actually easier to give it up (once you get over the fear) than it is to keep fighting that battle with yourself every day.
Just know that you're not alone in this - we know what it's like.......

EmeraldRose

Well, I don't like to think of my past experiences as 'living a lie'. They say thru life you learn from mistakes, you learn to change things that aren't working for you and you stray from toxic people and situations.
Every single thing I've done in my life was for a reason. Everything I did was a piece to my life's puzzle. Even though I did horrendous, stupid things...said stupid things, acted stupidly, etc...every second of my life has happened the way it was s'posed to - to learn from and I wouldn't be where I am now had I not lived my life the way it played out.
I raised 4 children, been married twice, living thru my second divorce, I've moved about 6 times...many happy times, many drunken times...but they are my times. They are the story of my life and it was not a lie. It was a true story.
5 months after my separation I quit drinking. It'll be 15 months this month and in that time I have been successful in holding a job outside of the home, packing up and moving (alone) 1500 miles across country, finding an apt., finding a job within a week of moving and living my life step by step as per my journey. I have positive thinking and peace in my heart...and every single second of the past 30 years has gotten me to this place in my life where I reside now.
Don't look back with regret and shame look ahead with eagerness and the will to change what isn't working for you now.
Wishing you peace and strength.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

langkah

Great you're trying, keep it up.

Want2BeOk

I think as addicts/alcoholics, we have ALL done things we are ashamed of. I know I have, over and over again. That is going to be the hardest part of my recovery, dealing w/ the hurtful things I have done to others and myself. People in the AA & NA meetings I went to say that I need to forgive myself, but honestly I don't think I ever will be able to. Trying to use this as my motivation not to relapse...

stillsleeping

One: you have to be a little self absorbed. Otherwise, how are you going to sort this out? It sounded like reflection, not vanity.

Two: people here are much harder to offend than that. Go ahead and spill your guts; you aren't going to upset these people by being an alcoholic. You're in safe company.

Three: I reckon pretty much everyone starts out being in awe of how strong and accomplished everyone is here. It's like a club you don't really think you'll ever pass the initiation for. But that's just a rubbish confidence thing and changes really fast I promise. Most of us were shy lurkers before we dove in, then a couple of posts down the line you're welcoming newbies with open arms, like you've been here for years. Honestly. And every one of us has been where you are right now. Most of us very recently.

Four: don't worry about your spelling. I'm an English teacher and even I don't care. e.g. I wrote vanity because I don't think I know how to spell arrogance. ha! We got waaaaaay bigger things to not judge each on than our fricken spelling! Nice metaphor with the Hollywood movie set btw. Well, simile really, but I'm the only one interested in that conversation

Welcome to a new world dude

Still
xxx

Change4good

I echo everything Dee said. It is wonderful that you want to be the best father you can be for your son. And that starts with you being the best to yourself. Embracing this problem, actively working at it, getting to the place you want to be. . .all great things. This group can help you with those first steps.

Thanks for reaching out, and know that you have support and no judgment here. I can say for myself, I have been (am in) your shoes. We can walk this journey together!

Boxer1

Thanks Rich. I do plan on posting more often. I have a date to begin sobriety that is rapidly approaching (4-9) and SR will be a huge part of it. I have been doing a lot of reading and searching online for support, encouragement and success stories in preperation and this site has it all.

Boxer1

Big thanks Change and Dee for the encouragement. Ill see you here again soon...

Boxer1

Thanks StillSleeping. Im still getting the feel for the eticate (ok, I KNOW I spelled that one wrong LOL) on SR. Looking forward to becoming very familiar with all the tools this site provides.

stillsleeping

Hehe I prefer the way you spell it

It is a bit scary at first, not being sure how people are going to react. Just get some posts out there, say hi to newcomers, share some of your experiences if you're too shy to share opinion (actually, someone made an excellent point last night about maybe not sharing opinions at all...gonna have a good think about that)

Once you've got 40 posts you can send private messages which is a bit more confidential. Actually, you might be able to reply to PMs sooner than that...I'll do a test and see how it works