Relapsed yet again
 

Hi. I was sober for a while, about a year, then I relapsed. My vice is pills, not booze, but right now I'd be grateful for either. My husband left me after my relapse 12 days ago and I just found out, at 20 weeks pregnant, I am at high risk for having a Down syndrome baby. Tomorrow is the amniocentesis and I can't sleep tonight. If there were ever a time I needed pills it's now.

Your husband left after this one relapse? Or are there other reasons. After going a strong year, I feel one slip-up is able to be brushed off, but there maybe more details you rightfully chose to omit. We are here for you sweetheart!

PS. You are pregnant, if there were ever a time you DONT need pills...it is right now!!! If not for yourself, be strong for your child!

Hi, Niki, wow, that is so scary. Believe me, I went some tough stuff with my daughter when she was a baby, so I know exactly the feelings you're going through. But right now getting high is the last thing you want to do. It will only make the fear and pain so much worse. Sobriety can be a source of strength and determination, and that's what you need most right now.

Big hugs. You do not know what the future will bring. Take it one step at a time, OK? Breathe in, breathe out, and remember to hold onto your sobriety with both hands, because it's one of the few things in life that's entirely within your control. Try and get some rest—please post tomorrow. You're not alone, OK?

Hey Niki,

I know that you know that pills would not be good for your baby, so I'm not going to lecture you about it. I'm sorry you can't sleep tonight. I think it would be hard for anyone to sleep under those circumstances. SR is usually a peaceful place to hang out - I'm here many nights I can't sleep, like tonight... I like reading about how people can get themselves into the worst situations, totally hopeless and miserable, and then change everything to get better. People do things they never thought they were capable of - good things! I personally know it's very easy to do horrible things you never thought you were capable of while you're under the influence - I guess I just think it's cool that we can surprise ourselves and our loved ones in good ways too.

Hi Niki,

If there was ever a time you didn't need pills it is now, you are pregnant. So sorry you must be scared. Maybe your husband just needs a little time? Please take care and let us know how you are after your test.

Hi Nikki

the fact is you're worrying over 'what ifs' right now - and getting high won't help - and may harm your baby - which is what you're worried about anyway.

I know it's a rough time - but you'll find a lot of support here.
I hope you'll find your fears are unfounded :)

D

Well...I can't see your husband staying away if your carrying his child. If anything, your husband should extra attentive to prevent you from causing harm to the baby through drug use. A pregnant addict needs all the help she can!

It is good you are here, and there is medical attention available.

Hi everybody, thanks to all who answered for their support. I spent a lot of time last night "lurking" and reading posts. Today I had the amniocentesis and it was painful just as I thought it would be, but it's over. Saw my husband, that wasn't terrible. Now, to answer a question the first respondent had: no, this is not the first time I've relapsed. I had been sober from spring of 2011 til very recently. That comprises one year. Before that I was sober from late August 2010 to March 2011, when I slipped. Prior to THAT, I would get sober a week here, ten days there and then succumb to the allure of pills. March 2010 I did my first stint in rehab, most of which time I spent plotting how I would get more pills when I got out and sleeping off the effects of suboxone. Needless to say, having not taken rehab seriously, it was no surprise to anyone when I relapsed right after getting out! I became aware of the problem late Dec 2009 when I crashed my car due to taking excessive amounts of Xanax so I fell asleep at the wheel.

No one has trusted me with the kids since then (I have two, 4 and 3, both girls. The baby I'm carrying will be their little brother if this poor child makes it to term.) No one has thought I was capable of doing very much. I don't have a job and I've got mental illnesses: bipolar and borderline personality, also an eating disorder, anorexic subtype and general anxiety disorder. I really shouldn't be passing on my genes should I? The only thing I have going for me is that I'm smart...or I used to be before drugs and panic attacks ruined my mind...and college-educated. I have a damn degree but for what? Not like I'm ever going to make something of myself. And people wonder why I need to self-medicate.

You have two kids, and a third on the way. You're battling addiction, and from what you've said, the tide has been turning in your favor these last couple years. You've made something of yourself already. And once you kick the pills for good, you will have made something even better of yourself.

Don't put yourself down, Niki. Your addiction and bouts with depression will do enough of that. I feel like the fact I overcame addiction makes me a better parent, not a lesser one. Even if that's not true, the fact remains that I'm sober, and love my daughter more than anything in the world. And that makes my kid—and your kids—luckier than many others.

Hang in there. You absolutely, positively can overcome this. :)