Help to trust my addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: peyton
Posts: 3
Help to trust my addict
Hello everyone. I am new and I am looking for help. My BF is an alcoholic. He was sober for 1 year and was doing amazing and was as happy as I had ever seen him, but 3 6 months ago he relapsed and started drinking and using again. Things got bad and I almost left, but he realized that was not where he wanted to be so he picked himself up, got back into AA meetings and is looking to re-build his connection with God. I am so happy and proud of him for doing all this, but secretly I still find myself doubting him and being able to trust him. I still try to smell the weed and alcohol on his clothes and worry constantly where he is, who he is with and what he is doing. Its not healthy and I feel like its getting in the way of me being able to stand by his side and help him. I will not lie I am a diagnosed co-dependant and I just dont know what to do. I have never been in such a complicated emotional situation. So that is why I am here. I need help. I dont know what to do. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You said you were a diagnosed co-dependent.
Are you in al anon, counseling, please go read in the Friends and Family Section of the forum.
You need to recover too, being in a relationship with an active addict is hell.
Trust is not easy to accomplish, I would not trust him either.
Are you in al anon, counseling, please go read in the Friends and Family Section of the forum.
You need to recover too, being in a relationship with an active addict is hell.
Trust is not easy to accomplish, I would not trust him either.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
For me, once trust has been lost it has to be rebuilt. It doesn't happen over night.....not by any stretch of the imagination.
When my mom finally quit drinking for real -- I smelled her drinks for like 5 years. 5 years. That's a LONG time!
I second what Katie said -- get to some alanon meetings and focus on YOU. It's not easy but the rewards are great.
Welcome to SR, by the way.
When my mom finally quit drinking for real -- I smelled her drinks for like 5 years. 5 years. That's a LONG time!
I second what Katie said -- get to some alanon meetings and focus on YOU. It's not easy but the rewards are great.
Welcome to SR, by the way.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Alcoholics and addicts lie about our use. That's what we do. So, it's not unreasonable that you distrust your boyfriend. That's one of those things that takes time to rebuild, and sometimes it never comes at all. You can't make yourself trust someone. But he is trying to do the right thing...keep that in mind. But, take care of yourself first, and find some support like Al Anon.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: peyton
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much for your advice it means so much and I know he is doing the right thing I can see it every day, but as you all said and I agree I need help too. I FOUBD some local al anon meetings and I am planning on going this week. I want to hear and see the help they can give me. Thankyou all
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Blu,
I am an addict, dating an addict. I can't trust myself a lot of the time. I know I can't trust him to be anything other than what he is, which is sometimes an active addict, sometimes a recovering addict. Being one myself, I understand this.
Codependency is a sort of addiction, a process one. And codies go back and forth from abstaining from our life destroying tendencies to rushing back headlong into them. Same as addicts.
Being in a relationship with an addict has it's danger zones for a codie, and being in a relaitonshnip with a codie has danger zones for an addict.
There is no more an answer for how can you trust "your addict" (how telling is it that you refer to him as "my addict"?) than for how can you trust yourself to fully disengage from behaving like a codie even while you still feel all the feelings and fears of being one.
For substance addicts, that is what we must do, cut out the behavior of using, while we still have all the other issues and feelings. As a codie, that is what we must do as well.
Many codies are in denial just as addicts are. We say things like "why don't they clean up their act and take responsibility" while we allow our kids to be beaten or neglected or allow ourselves to be abused verbally and emotionally, etc. Which could be prevented if we ended our relationship with our addict, which is the codies addiction. The addict uses for the same reason the codie stays and supports the addict. Fear etc...
The issues are not all exactly the same, but they are very similar. I speak from the stance of being both and addict and a codie.
When can you trust an addict (doesn't it sound like we should be waiting for a punch line?) When they say they are using. When can you trust a recovering addict? when they are living recovery.
Same situations in which we can trust ourselves as codies.
I am an addict, dating an addict. I can't trust myself a lot of the time. I know I can't trust him to be anything other than what he is, which is sometimes an active addict, sometimes a recovering addict. Being one myself, I understand this.
Codependency is a sort of addiction, a process one. And codies go back and forth from abstaining from our life destroying tendencies to rushing back headlong into them. Same as addicts.
Being in a relationship with an addict has it's danger zones for a codie, and being in a relaitonshnip with a codie has danger zones for an addict.
There is no more an answer for how can you trust "your addict" (how telling is it that you refer to him as "my addict"?) than for how can you trust yourself to fully disengage from behaving like a codie even while you still feel all the feelings and fears of being one.
For substance addicts, that is what we must do, cut out the behavior of using, while we still have all the other issues and feelings. As a codie, that is what we must do as well.
Many codies are in denial just as addicts are. We say things like "why don't they clean up their act and take responsibility" while we allow our kids to be beaten or neglected or allow ourselves to be abused verbally and emotionally, etc. Which could be prevented if we ended our relationship with our addict, which is the codies addiction. The addict uses for the same reason the codie stays and supports the addict. Fear etc...
The issues are not all exactly the same, but they are very similar. I speak from the stance of being both and addict and a codie.
When can you trust an addict (doesn't it sound like we should be waiting for a punch line?) When they say they are using. When can you trust a recovering addict? when they are living recovery.
Same situations in which we can trust ourselves as codies.
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