Dominica2

Just to be clear on this, I DONT know what the hell program I am using. AA has been great, but I read about all this stuff about the AV ( which I have EVERY DAY) I dont know what the hell to doi anymore. I just want to be SOBER. BOTTOM LINE.

bitmap

I understand Dom, for me work was a real stresser. Not to mention several of the people at works solution was to go home and have a few drinks. Luckily I am in the position where I was able to quit that job and am 90% on my way to a new one and am lucky enough to have the time to work on my recovery. You can do it. You need to learn some new ways to deal with the stress (me too!), but you CAN do it.

midgetcop

Dominica - forgive yourself for your relapse, but don't *forget* either. Get right back up, dust yourself off, and get back into the ring. You are perfectly capable of doing this, and a relapse doesn't mean that you're forever doomed to fail. Getting sober is one of the hardest things for someone do, and it isn't always going to be perfect the first time around. Don't beat yourself up, but learn from the experience in order to prevent it in the future.

Whatever you do, try to stay positive. Mentally scolding yourself more than necessary might just drive you back to drinking again.

Dominica2

I defintely wont forget, Midget. Apparently, I need to stick to ONE program and that program only. I am trying to figure out what the hell im am supposed to be accomplishing. Thanks again.

2granddaughters

Dom, this happens to many of us. You can do this.

I found that recommitting to my HP and my group will help. I took my AA membership card and wrote the new LD (last drink) date in ink.. pressing real hard. Then I took drinking off the table as an option.

All the best, Dom. You are in my prayers.

Bob

Dominica2

Thanks Bob. I can do this, just feeling beat. UGH.

InsertNameHere

Don't they say in AA take what you like and disregard the rest? I may have that worded wrong but have read something to its effect several times here. I would say (but this is me) that learning about other systems can do nothing but help especially if you apply that sentiment to it. If you want to read Rational Recovery and apply what helps you, go to meetings and apply what helps you, learn about SMART and see if any of that helps you, hell take a couple classes on Tao, it seems to have helped some people, whatever you think will help. Use anything and everything at your disposal that you think will help. As Dee said if what you have didn't work, add something else and see if it does.

sugarbear1

Try to relax. We alkies treat our feelings by drinking. I used alcohol as my solution, until I found another solution. As long as I had untreated alcoholism, I treated it with drinking. I wasn't a fall-down drunk. I was okay with me in my own skin when I drank. Today, I'm just okay with me in my own skin without ever needing to drink ever again.

When you decide to fully work A Program, whatever it is, then you will have a new solution.

Beating yourself up will give more stress, just know you aren't alone! You can start over tomorrow.

get a nice bubble bath and pamper yourself!

EmeraldRose

Well, that was part of MY problem...realizing that I WASN'T like everyone else. I'm not sure what your interpretation of 'normal' is but I decided that it was best that I found my own interpretation of normal...my own catagory, my own normal club. I don't want to be like everyone else...I can't. If I do I will have the same tendancies to drink as they do. I am me. I am MY normal. My normal stays home and has ice cream. My normal has a full time job and is never late. My normal never has a hangover. I like my normal.
You need to find yourself. I understand your G'ma is sick and for that I am truly sorry...it's been a long long time since I've had Grandparents in my life but I understand the security you feel with her. But you need to grasp your own sense of security...your own strength.
I am alone now...kids are grown, I'm separated and I have had many many episodes recently that I really need to take a deep breath, say a prayer and just do it. No more excuses, no one to blame but me. The strength you will need will come from within IF you give it a chance. You don't need a crutch...be your normal and stay strong.
WIshing you peace and strength.

2granddaughters

Dom, I saw this a while ago and looked it up.
I felt the need to post it for you.
Bob

Hello, I am your disease

I Hate meetings...I Hate higher powers...I Hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering. Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction. I Am cunning, baffling, and powerful. That's Me. I have killed millions and I am pleased.
I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, haven't I? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me? I was there, I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I Love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can't feel anything at all. This is true gratification. And all that I ask from you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always.

When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn't deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life. People don't take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes, they take seriously. Fools. Without my help these things would not be possible. I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program. Your program, Your meeting, Your higher power. All of these things weaken me, and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live I may only exist. But I am here...

And until we meet again, If we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.

2granddaughters

I am your friend

I am your friend, the only true companion you have.
I am with you when you are lonely;
I am with you when you are sad.
I am with you when you feel withdrawn and when the world is cruel.
I hide the heckler's words and block the missiles thrown in ignorance and anger.
I shelter you from the storms and I shield you from your fears.
I am your friend. I walk with you daily and live in your thoughts.
I feed off your failures, I revel in your guilt.
I thrive on your shame and dance with your deceit.
I keep you in darkness and take pleasure in your pain.
I delight in your loneliness and wallow in your sins.
I laugh when you flounder and strike when you stumble.
I am your friend.
I relish in your anger and worship in your pride.
I feed off your compulsion and dwell in your isolation.
I am familiar with your weaknesses and abuse your denial.
I treasure your resentment and take comfort in your depression.
I am your friend
My name is "Your Disease."



I am your friend. I hold out my hand and bring you faith.
I award you serenity and self-esteem.
I bestow upon you peace and acceptance.
I wrap you in love and tender the shield of knowledge.
I volunteer humility and shower you with confidence.
I bequeath spiritual growth, emotional advancement and physical revival.
I am your friend; I will lead you out of the darkness into the light.
I will carry you when you are weak and escort you through honesty.
I will provide tools for the battles and binding for your wounds.
I am your friend. I will teach you abstinence and release you from burden.
I will initiate forgiveness and I will foster willingness.
I will nurture ambition and claim back your life.
I am your friend.
My name is "Recovery."

desertsong

I've never read that before, Bob, but .... wow. I have to print this out and keep it in my Big Book. Thank you so much for sharing it.

firestorm090

Hi Dom,

If each time you get a wild hair up your butt, you drink, then maybe lazer removal is necessary, lol.

I haven't posted for a long time, but check in occasionally to have contact with my friends here. I've felt as you feel tons of times, yet I kept coming back and trying again. That's all I can suggest, to never give up on yourself. You'll be surprised to discover through the struggle just how strong, intelligent, and determined you can become, just by reaching down deep inside and also reaching out to others for help when necessary, as you are doing right now.

You have all the right tools to succeed, it's just tough finding the right tools to use for whatever needs fixing, kinda like finding the right amount of sugar to add to a pie to give it just the right taste. Sometimes we burn a lot of pies till we hit the right combination, so keep kneading the dough and trying till you find the right combination.

Sapling

It may not be a bad idea to take one or the other and give it everything you got....Sounds to me like you have more on your plate than you can handle...And if continuing to drink is going to be the answer...You won't have any of it to worry about.....You want to be sober bottom line?...Pick what program you want to work and make it TOP PRIORITY. It's like you're driving yourself nuts.

Sapling

If it helps any...One you are Powerless....And the other...You have all the power you need...I'm sure TU will correct me if I'm wrong....I can see how you might be running into conflict working those two together.

dorito281211

Something you said got me "I thought I had this beat". And after what-20 days? This is a lifetime struggle, battle, whatever you want to call it. Sure it gets easier as time and recovery move on, but we always fight this.
One day at a time, sometimes it's hour by hour. Do what you need to stay sober. If you need to talk, call the number in the phone book or get online and talk to someone there. There are tons of recovery forums as well, you always have options. You have the desire and the tools, just put them all together (or try to) and move on.

Glad your here!

12skiptomylue

I know you are beating yourself up. I know that by simply telling you not to is not going to do anything. But, I still want to say it.

I've been following your posts, and you have given me hope. I'm only a few days behind you in getting sober. And watching you fight, and struggle, and make it makes me think to myself, well, if SHE can do it....then I should be able to do it, too. And guess what?? That doesn't change because you drank again. In fact (and I NEVER believe people when they say this to me), your honesty and courage to admit defeat and start over is SO amazing, and shows SO much strength.

I very truly wish you the best, and that you will find your road to lasting life and recovery! Thank you for being an inspiration to me.

Jeni26

I'm new to all this, but have learned to take great comfort and strength in the words and thoughts of others. I have not as yet posted in support of others as I feel I'll equipped to do so, but I feel your pain and anger and it touched me. Don't give up Dom. Your honesty is an inspiration to me and many others. We are in this together. Today you start again. But not from the beginning because you have already started your journey and your understanding of just how powerful that addictive voice can be has increased. We are all fragile on our own but together we are strong. Keep going. Am rooting for you every step of the way xxx

langkah

Good you're still trying, keep it up.

ShaneW

Its not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get up.

And you sound determined to get up and stay up (sober). Keep that focus, and let it drive you.

If you decide to continue with AA, ask one of the friendlier women who declined sponsorship, to take you around and help you find a sponsor at that meeting. Or just straight up ask, well if they are busy then could they please suggest someone to you. Hopefully they will get you a temp sponsor.

I found in my own experience, that guys who were friendly to me early on were extremely willing to help me search around for a sponsor. It turned out, for me, that one of the guys who was helping me look for a sponsor, ended up becoming my sponsor. He was at first reluctant, because he was already sponsoring a guy who himself had less than 30 days. That other sponsee is now a good friend of mine & a key part of my network.

Stay strong and please keep posting!