Eliasson

Why is this sooo hard for me to get? I've been journaling about all the consequences of my drinking, it's horrifying, not just what happened to me when I drank, and there's a long list of those things, but more the hopelessness, depression, demoralization, fear and shame. It is so obvious looking at it on paper that I'm an alcoholic! So why am I struggling with this so much? I'm on Day 10 (this time) and can't imagine living THE REST OF MY LIFE without drinking alcohol! It was my best friend. I can't function with it, yet I can't function without it, either. Where is all that acceptance, peace and serenity I hear about all the time? Does life really get better? Because I'm 46 and may have a little time left here on earth, I'm just not interested in spending the rest of my years feeling this fear and hopelessness, gritting my teeth through this and hanging on by my fingernails. I'm scared! Why am I not "getting" this? I so want joy and happiness in my life. I'd settle for just being content. Would love to hear how y'all made that transition and finally "got it". Any advice or suggestions are so needed. And yes, I have a sponsor, work the steps, and attend meetings!

RevivingOphelia

I'm 42, on day 13, and still can't quite fathom (accept?) that alcohol should not play any part in my life.

It's tough.

Eliasson

Oh and I'm sorry for whining and complaining. I'm sick of doing that too. I have an image of the positive, "happy, joyous and free" person I want to be, I just don't know how to get there.

2granddaughters

That's where I needed my Higher Power in AA.

I got down on my knees and asked for help.... then left for a meeting.


All the best.

Bob R

sugarbear1

steps 4-7 with the guidance of a sponsor helps.

stairs

Hi Eliasson,

I'm only on day 16 myself. So I don't have any great wisdom to impart. Are you eating healthy, getting a little fresh air, drinking lots of water? Sometimes the simple things make a big difference, like I'll eat a good meal and feel so much better.

:ghug3

Veritas1

What step are you on?

Why did you write down all the upsetting things you did while drinking?

This is definately a way to get stuck in the mud.

If I had to sit down and write down all that stuff down on paper, I would be in a mess quickly.

Yikes

No wonder you feel like you can never imagine your life without alcohol.

I felt that way after a 4th step.

You stir all that stuff up and the mind screams for a drink. It's too much.

Take it easy.

Stay in the day.

Sapling

I think you're talking about the ninth step promises...They're in the ninth step for a reason...What step are you working on Eliasson?

hypochondriac

Eliasson, what kind of best friend would make it so you couldn't function without them? It sounds like a pretty manipulative relationship to me. I understand where you're coming from though. I have got a lot of inspiration from Allen Carr's books and I found that viewing it as an addiction in a cold way rather than focusing on my emotional attachment to alcohol helped. Plus reading about AVRT has helped a lot to. In regards to contentment I think that may be something that can be worked on separately, I'm dealing with depression issues but I think that although drinking made it worse it didn't cause my depression and I have to deal with that on it's own. I hope you stick with the sobriety despite your doubts.

Dee74

I couldn't quite fathom forever either Eliasson - drinking or drugs had been a major if not the major component of my life for two decades...

What I personally had to do was build a life that was better than the one I had drinking - a life where I was happy, comfortable with who I was, and ultimately had no need to look for the escapes I used to.

That takes time - but it's worth it if you ask me

In the meantime? I found a daily, renewed, commitment not to drink today no matter what was a far more reasonable and achievable proposition to face than forever...at least until I got used to the idea of forever being no bad thing after all

D

Eliasson

I'm on Step 3, tho I'm really ready to get thru the steps with my sponsor, I didn't get past step 2 when I was sober for 7 months and wonder if that might not be part of the problem? I was writing it all down because I forget so easily, and I wanted to have something to remind me of all the pain alcohol caused me that I could read the next time I decide that having a drink is a great idea. I see now that in itself may not have been such a great idea.

least

You've only been sober ten days. It took you a lot longer than ten days to get into the mess you're in and it'll take a while longer to get better. It will happen, just not instantly. We alkies want it right now! But recovery isn't like that - it takes time and work. But it's worth the effort.

aasharon90

All I knew after my 28 day stay in rehab
when I return home to my family was I
didn't want to be gone away from my kids
anymore or any longer that I had already.

And that was exactly what was going to
happen if I began drinking again. They
told me in rehab i would surely return to
drinking if they let me go after 2 weeks
in rehab. I begged to stay there which was
closer to home than a halfway house out
of state for 6 weeks.

I went to a 6 week outpatiant aftercare
program upon my release and did whatever
I needed to do to the best of my ability to
to stay sober and raise my little family.

Sure, i did all the whinning, complaining,
griping, poor me's, im not like those people,
i feel different and dont fit in or belong.

BUT......

I went to those meetings as suggestions from
many of those who stayed sober for many days
at a time before me. I went, didnt speak a word,
and absorbed all i could at each meeting taking
what made sense at the time when i went home.

One day at a time, i read, prayed, meditated,
followed, held on, cried, screemed, resented,
you name it i did BUT....didnt drink.

That was 21 yrs ago when i began my recovery
program as I am still trudging the road of recovery
today.

Those promises stated in our Big Book of AA
will materialize and come true if you live and
incoperate the knowledge of the steps and
principles of recovery in ur everyday affairs.

It's not just not drinking that keeps me sober.
I work and live it everyday in my everyday life
when i share here in SR or meet people in stores,
in my marriage, work and play.

I can't keep what Ive gained over the past 21yrs
if I dont pass on my own experiences, strengths
and hopes of what it was like before during and
after my drinking career.

The program of recovery works if I work it and
it has.

Im blessed and grateful for it.

awuh1

You have 10 days. At ten days your emotions can be spinning like crazy, for no apparent reason. What you need to get is “today”, and “today”, at 10 days sober can be a challenge. Nevertheless it’s still way better than being drunk, and then tomorrow being on day 1. Because then you’ll be emotionally (not to mention physically and spiritually) sicker than today and 9 days away from your next day 10.

This is where the wisdom of “one day at a time” comes in. Also look up the information on “Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome”. The symptoms can persist for quite a while, but they do eventually lessen and go away. But not if you drink.

Oh ya, I have found when it gets really bad, a prayer often seems to help. The ones from others also seem to help so I’ll be sending one for you. Best wishes.

LDT

With "friends" like alcohol.....who needs enemies?

CaiHong

Hi Eliasson,

Things definitely changed for me when I did step 4 and 5 and I do believe I had a spiritual experience. This experience has led me to feel happier and calmer. Not as calm as I would wish I changed my diet drastically and this has had a profound effect on my moods.

Now I am listening to Erhart Tolle and this is what I really need to hear right now. His wisdom is giving me a much deeper understanding of myself and this is not just a mind thing but goes deeper than that.

I realize now that I will never heal if I drink. I have no desire to drink to escape.

Why I have only come to this understanding after years of drinking and suffering the consequences I have no idea. But I have and for that I am truly grateful.

Keep going, do what is suggested, do the steps with the fullest honestly and commitment. Look at other programs. You have struggled so much with this, don't give in now.

CaiHong

Sapling

I would say that's a major part of the problem.

bitmap

I understand when you say for the rest of your life, but remember AA lets us take it one day at a time or one hour at a time whatever it takes for us not to drink. Instead of thinking in such a long term ie for the rest of your life, think about I won't drink today, or for the next hour or before bed or whatever it takes to not take that drink. You can do it!!

langkah

You've heard of the 1-2-3 out the door dance, surely.

The 4th is where a tangible product is produced through the newcomer's efforts. If you're not getting past the head steps and through the 4th it's an indication of either insufficient willingness or an incomplete or shallow level of the understandings you should draw out by doing the first step.

Properly done it propels us through the rest of the steps as the illusion of relief alcohol once offered is removed and we then must find another more workable answer. It places us in a very uncomfortable spot with our familiar escape route cut off, something which gives a lot of us the incentive we need to go forward and continue to make progress.

Hope that helps.

Eliasson

I am so willing. I know part of why it didn't happen is because I was in the hospital with my son constantly. But also, I have been unable to pin my sponsor down and even do the 3rd step prayer with her, much less get directions on the 4th Step. Should I just read and get started on my own? Is it pretty self explanatory how to do it? I haven't heard of "1,2,3 out the door" but I'm assuming that means people who only get thru those steps and not into the meat of the steps keep slipping? Like me?