still not drinking... but overwhelmed
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
still not drinking... but overwhelmed
Went to therapy with the bf the other day. We didn't break up then but our therapist suggested we take the next 2 weeks apart. I just keep finding out more and more that makes me feel like a worthless human being.
He's at a wedding out of the state right now, and he had told me that I wasn't invited by the bride and groom. Yesterday he told me that I was invited, but he lied to me because he didn't want me there.
Then last week I loaned him over $500 because he forgot his wallet somewhere, he said he would transfer the money back to me that evening (he makes 3x what I do). Now he won't pay me back and gets really angry if I bring it up. I looked in his bank account and found out that he has been writing checks to his ex for hundreds of dollars for god knows how long. He is so stingy with me but has no problem doling out money to his ex.
All of this just makes me feel worthless. I don't even like him as a person anymore, and after he picks up some stuff from my house tomorrow I'm going to tell him I at least need a break. I try to treat him so well - why doesn't he respect me? I feel so pathetic that I try to hold onto every little nice thing he does, because him treating me well and wanting to be with me 25% of the time is better than him not wanting me at all. I have so much going on - work full time, school full time, getting sober, family obligations... I am so overwhelmed. I cry almost every day, and during the day I'm constantly holding back tears for no apparent reason.
Sorry for the long post, just wanting to vent.
He's at a wedding out of the state right now, and he had told me that I wasn't invited by the bride and groom. Yesterday he told me that I was invited, but he lied to me because he didn't want me there.
Then last week I loaned him over $500 because he forgot his wallet somewhere, he said he would transfer the money back to me that evening (he makes 3x what I do). Now he won't pay me back and gets really angry if I bring it up. I looked in his bank account and found out that he has been writing checks to his ex for hundreds of dollars for god knows how long. He is so stingy with me but has no problem doling out money to his ex.
All of this just makes me feel worthless. I don't even like him as a person anymore, and after he picks up some stuff from my house tomorrow I'm going to tell him I at least need a break. I try to treat him so well - why doesn't he respect me? I feel so pathetic that I try to hold onto every little nice thing he does, because him treating me well and wanting to be with me 25% of the time is better than him not wanting me at all. I have so much going on - work full time, school full time, getting sober, family obligations... I am so overwhelmed. I cry almost every day, and during the day I'm constantly holding back tears for no apparent reason.
Sorry for the long post, just wanting to vent.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Daisy, it sounds like you know what you need to do regarding your boyfriend, who is not acting like a boyfriend at all. To me, he sounds awful. I've been there & I'm sorry you are.
I spent Many years of my life with the wrong person. Trying to be "good", thinking sticking it out and making it work is a sign of being a good person in a relationship. Please don't waste your years. As you become healthy & solid in recovery you may find someone who loves, cherishes, respects, and is proud of you. And you of them. And if you don't, well that's ok. You are your own person. Fill your life and your years with what is good for you. Stay sober. Live a good life. Don't waste it.
I spent Many years of my life with the wrong person. Trying to be "good", thinking sticking it out and making it work is a sign of being a good person in a relationship. Please don't waste your years. As you become healthy & solid in recovery you may find someone who loves, cherishes, respects, and is proud of you. And you of them. And if you don't, well that's ok. You are your own person. Fill your life and your years with what is good for you. Stay sober. Live a good life. Don't waste it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
Thanks MsJax. That is really encouraging. One big step (and stumbling block) of my recovery has been trying to convince myself that he really is as bad as I think he is. I have spent years of hearing that I'M the problem, that he only treats me that way because I MAKE him, and that I'm lucky that he even puts up with my pathetic self at all. Even since I haven't been drinking, whenever we get into the slightest argument on the phone, he will scream at me "You're drunk! I know you're lying about not drinking and I will not talk to you drunk!" I am slowly trying to convince myself that I do not deserve the way he has treated me...
Things have gotten physical sometimes in the past, and sometimes I wish he would hit me more... because after he does, he feels guilty and is nice to me for a while. I would much rather be slapped in the face than spend everyday hearing that I'm a worthless piece of crap. Wow, I sound really pathetic. But at least I'm not drinking!
Things have gotten physical sometimes in the past, and sometimes I wish he would hit me more... because after he does, he feels guilty and is nice to me for a while. I would much rather be slapped in the face than spend everyday hearing that I'm a worthless piece of crap. Wow, I sound really pathetic. But at least I'm not drinking!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I'm a guy Daisy and this clown sounds like a complete idiot...Borrowing from you and sending to his ex?....That's enough to make me sick. Kind of makes you wonder why he didn't want you at the wedding...
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
I am sorry for your stress, but the actions of that are not of one that you deserve as a woman and girlfriend. I hope for you to get out and get strong for YOU and then find someone to make happy and they can in return. 
Keep coming around this is a great place for some support.
Good love, Inda
Keep coming around this is a great place for some support.
Good love, Inda
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
Thank you Inda for the support. And Sapling, I'm glad this behavior sounds weird to you too... I'm so used to crap like this. This morning he called to tell me he's going to coffee with this chick he met who's a pilates instructor. It's strange that I'm not even bothered by that part... but taking money from me and giving to his ex is completely unacceptable to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
snowdaisy,
This is physical/emotional/mental/financial abuse. I put up with it for over 20 years, thinking the same things you are. Once I took a step back (it took me years and moving across the country) I see things the way they really were. I wanted things to be ok so badly I became completely illogical. It took me awhile (sobriety) before I could "trust my gut". If things don't feel right they probably aren't. Don't invest/waste any more time or energy. Abusive relationships rarely get better - just like when an alcoholic drinks. At the least, take a break and work on your sobriety. Creeps like him can't handle a strong, sober woman - and you won't want him at that point.
This is physical/emotional/mental/financial abuse. I put up with it for over 20 years, thinking the same things you are. Once I took a step back (it took me years and moving across the country) I see things the way they really were. I wanted things to be ok so badly I became completely illogical. It took me awhile (sobriety) before I could "trust my gut". If things don't feel right they probably aren't. Don't invest/waste any more time or energy. Abusive relationships rarely get better - just like when an alcoholic drinks. At the least, take a break and work on your sobriety. Creeps like him can't handle a strong, sober woman - and you won't want him at that point.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by SnowDaisy 
Thank you Inda for the support. And Sapling, I'm glad this behavior sounds weird to you too... I'm so used to crap like this. This morning he called to tell me he's going to coffee with this chick he met who's a pilates instructor. It's strange that I'm not even bothered by that part... but taking money from me and giving to his ex is completely unacceptable to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by SnowDaisy
I'm not attending AA meetings. I have tried in the past but always just felt out of place, like it wasn't for me.
AA will be there for you if you need it in the future.
Wishing you the best.
Bob R
Sober...Finally.
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Galveston TX
Posts: 574
Daisy, 
I am sorry you have to go through this. I have gone through something very similar. Right now, you are trying to recover (GOOD FOR YOU!). You are doing the right thing in taking care of YOU. In my opinion, I am sure you are a fantastic woman that absolutely does not deserved to be treated that way. The way you describe it, you are extremely independent and can take care of yourself. Don't let someone bring your recovery down because they don't know how to behave respectfully. Sounds to me he might need some kind of reality check. At the end of the day, just know you are worth it! Best wishes hun.
Love,
Dom
I am sorry you have to go through this. I have gone through something very similar. Right now, you are trying to recover (GOOD FOR YOU!). You are doing the right thing in taking care of YOU. In my opinion, I am sure you are a fantastic woman that absolutely does not deserved to be treated that way. The way you describe it, you are extremely independent and can take care of yourself. Don't let someone bring your recovery down because they don't know how to behave respectfully. Sounds to me he might need some kind of reality check. At the end of the day, just know you are worth it! Best wishes hun. Love,
Dom
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Oh SnowDaisy - I feel for you...... :ghug3 no one deserves to be treated that way. You know, we can put up with a lot when we're drinking, but once the sanity returns it just doesn't make sense any more. This isn't about you at all....his behavior is unacceptable. It's OK to cry - it's hard when relationships don't work out, even the bad ones.
You have too much on your plate right now and feeling overwhelmed is a sign you need to take some pressure off yourself. Is there any way you can find a little more "down time?"
You have too much on your plate right now and feeling overwhelmed is a sign you need to take some pressure off yourself. Is there any way you can find a little more "down time?"
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
Thanks Dom - I read your post earlier (congrats on 20 days!) and it really is encouraging for me to hear that people have dealt with similar crap and managed to pull themselves out of it.
Artsoul - I do have a lot on my plate - I am going to take one or two sick days in the next few weeks (because weekends are already booked with family and schoolwork) and just stay home and focus on me.
Artsoul - I do have a lot on my plate - I am going to take one or two sick days in the next few weeks (because weekends are already booked with family and schoolwork) and just stay home and focus on me.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Daisy, your posts have really resonated with me. Before I married my husband I was involved in a very similar relationship with someone who always made me feel terrible about myself. I never did enough, and whatever I DID do was always wrong. If there was a problem in the relationship, it was my fault. I was stupid, selfish, lazy, ugly, useless, and a whole other litany of crap. He nearly destroyed my self esteem. Still, I hung in there for 3 years because he had me believing I really was what he said I was. That changed when 1) I found out he was cheating and lying to me about more than just that, and 2) he hit me for the first time. My best friend helped me pack my stuff and I moved in with her until I got a place of my own. In the meantime, he kept calling and saying how sorry he was, how things would be different if I came back, and blah blah blah. When I said, "No, I'm not coming back," he would unleash a torrent of insults at me and tell me I'd never find anyone better than him. Yeah, right.
Took awhile, but I eventually realized that he was a sick person who felt inferior and hated himself, and the only thing that gave him satisfaction was in putting me down to make himself feel better about his pathetic life. I also realized that I am a human being with a heart and a soul, and that I deserve to have a man who can nurture those parts of me and help me grow as a person. Leaving that jerk was tough because I was scared to be on my own, but I also knew I deserved much better. And I found him two years later. We will have been married 20 years this June.
You deserve better, and you know that. Staying with someone who will only beat you down while you're trying to improve yourself and your life will only complicate things and sabotage your recovery and your growth. Better to be alone than with someone who destroys your self worth.
Took awhile, but I eventually realized that he was a sick person who felt inferior and hated himself, and the only thing that gave him satisfaction was in putting me down to make himself feel better about his pathetic life. I also realized that I am a human being with a heart and a soul, and that I deserve to have a man who can nurture those parts of me and help me grow as a person. Leaving that jerk was tough because I was scared to be on my own, but I also knew I deserved much better. And I found him two years later. We will have been married 20 years this June.
You deserve better, and you know that. Staying with someone who will only beat you down while you're trying to improve yourself and your life will only complicate things and sabotage your recovery and your growth. Better to be alone than with someone who destroys your self worth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Snowdaisy,
You know what you need to do. Leave him.
Curious about the therapist, what was going on there that made you feel even more worthless?
You seem to also be overloaded with work and school.
Put your recovery first. What are you doing besides this forum to keep sober?
CaiHong
You know what you need to do. Leave him.
Curious about the therapist, what was going on there that made you feel even more worthless?
You seem to also be overloaded with work and school.
Put your recovery first. What are you doing besides this forum to keep sober?
CaiHong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
Going to therapy with the bf is weird - he always seems to come out looking like the good guy. He always plays the "I'm just trying to be a good dad" card. Um, no. Not when you're doing drugs around your kids daily, not when you hit your girlfriend in front of your kids, and not when you steal money from your children. Obviously I can't reveal too much about him in therapy or he would get too angry and quit going. So for now, I end up looking like the crazy one and he looks like the sane one. Next therapy session, I've already let him know that I'm telling our therapist about my alcohol problem and his drug problem.
I am completely overloaded, but that's kind of my style. I've always worked at LEAST 40 hours a week (sometimes have a part time job as well) in addition to going to school full time, and somehow still manage to be an alcoholic.
I've just been trying to keep myself busy to stay sober. Clean my house, go for walks, read books.... I love cooking so I've been making a new recipe almost every night. It's amazing how much more time there is in the day when you're sober.
I am completely overloaded, but that's kind of my style. I've always worked at LEAST 40 hours a week (sometimes have a part time job as well) in addition to going to school full time, and somehow still manage to be an alcoholic.
I've just been trying to keep myself busy to stay sober. Clean my house, go for walks, read books.... I love cooking so I've been making a new recipe almost every night. It's amazing how much more time there is in the day when you're sober.
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