Pls help I'm new and situation desperate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Sydney
Posts: 4
Pls help I'm new and situation desperate
Hi all and thx for ur advice in advance. Ive been married 12 yrs to an alcoholic wife, we hv 2 kids 10 and 8yrs who are scared by their mum.s drinking. I work 5 days a week, she doesn't work at all. She is supposed to take our kids to school. She has been a drunk before we met. I often enlist the help of her mum and two sisters when she is drunk so that the kids are picked up from school and looked after until I get home.
Last August we managed to get her into a rehab centre for 3 weeks but during her stay he met and had an affair. She still speaks to this guy and calls him when drunk, sometimes not realizing and always apologizes to me the next day. Anyway she is v drunk . Lies. Hides bottles but recently has been drink driving and picking up the kids. I want my kids to be safe. I want to leave her and get custody of the kids. I'm not sure what the law will suggest for us. Above all I don't want my children living under these conditions , they r very scared of her when she is drunk. On the flip side when she is sober she is great with them.
As a father I want to protect them. Do you think I should leave her and is there any hope for me to get the children? I've stayed with her so long for the sake of the kids but this ongoing affair is the last straw. I cannot kick her out of the house because she won't leave and creates a scene. I've had to live through her being v drunk through-out pregnancy and breastfeeding. Is there any hope for her? Anyone out there with similar experience and advice, please don't hold back. I do feel like a fool for staying and supporting her over 12 years, but feel trapped at the same time and i think the law tends to favor women . My only wish is for my kids safety and happiness.
Last August we managed to get her into a rehab centre for 3 weeks but during her stay he met and had an affair. She still speaks to this guy and calls him when drunk, sometimes not realizing and always apologizes to me the next day. Anyway she is v drunk . Lies. Hides bottles but recently has been drink driving and picking up the kids. I want my kids to be safe. I want to leave her and get custody of the kids. I'm not sure what the law will suggest for us. Above all I don't want my children living under these conditions , they r very scared of her when she is drunk. On the flip side when she is sober she is great with them.
As a father I want to protect them. Do you think I should leave her and is there any hope for me to get the children? I've stayed with her so long for the sake of the kids but this ongoing affair is the last straw. I cannot kick her out of the house because she won't leave and creates a scene. I've had to live through her being v drunk through-out pregnancy and breastfeeding. Is there any hope for her? Anyone out there with similar experience and advice, please don't hold back. I do feel like a fool for staying and supporting her over 12 years, but feel trapped at the same time and i think the law tends to favor women . My only wish is for my kids safety and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi, so sorry for your troubles, sounds like you are at the end of your rope.
It seems apparent that what is of utmost importance right now is getting your children out of there. If it were me I would work on that plan today, remove them from the home now. If she takes those children in the car and they get hurt or killed you will never forgive yourself.
Get them out of there and then deal with her when you are ready.
Document everything and call the cops , just call them, tell them she is drunk and driving if you have to. She sounds like a monster, I am sorry, but that is just what I feel. Have them escort her out of the house if you have to.
Is there hope for her, ask her, only she knows. YOu and your children are what is important right now.
She is an alcoholic, she is sick and getting sicker. No good will come of staying with her for the children, although it sounds like the right thing to do, it is not. Children that young , who are afraid of their mother need help, they need to be safe and secure, they are suffering because of this and it is not going to any good to keep them there.
Try to take the focus off of her and put it where you already know it should be. Get support for yourself and those kids and find some peace in your life.
This is a great forum, the people here know exactly what you are going through, they will be a trememdous help to you as they have been for me and many others.
Please keep us posted and take good care of yourself and your children.
Kate
It seems apparent that what is of utmost importance right now is getting your children out of there. If it were me I would work on that plan today, remove them from the home now. If she takes those children in the car and they get hurt or killed you will never forgive yourself.
Get them out of there and then deal with her when you are ready.
Document everything and call the cops , just call them, tell them she is drunk and driving if you have to. She sounds like a monster, I am sorry, but that is just what I feel. Have them escort her out of the house if you have to.
Is there hope for her, ask her, only she knows. YOu and your children are what is important right now.
She is an alcoholic, she is sick and getting sicker. No good will come of staying with her for the children, although it sounds like the right thing to do, it is not. Children that young , who are afraid of their mother need help, they need to be safe and secure, they are suffering because of this and it is not going to any good to keep them there.
Try to take the focus off of her and put it where you already know it should be. Get support for yourself and those kids and find some peace in your life.
This is a great forum, the people here know exactly what you are going through, they will be a trememdous help to you as they have been for me and many others.
Please keep us posted and take good care of yourself and your children.
Kate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Sydney
Posts: 4
hi carl here again thx kate and SR...i hvnt been to al anon because i need to be home with the kids and hold down a demanding job in the financial markets..she often takes off at night or sometimes goes to AA. I know that i shud try al-anon. ive had her mum and 2 sisters to speak to over the years. its terrible for any chlldren, esp mine. they may need some help as well. i might explore that avenue of calling the police- not sure. i called for help in the past but DOCS was mentioned. DOCS come in when kids cannot be looked after. i dont want them to take away the kids, so her mum and sisters hv been a great help. i am doing well financially and she has never worked - that doesnt bother me as i hv two great kids. i think ure advice to get them out asap is right. Her mum is coming over tomorrow mng to drive them to school. this is a very painful experience that i wudnt wish on anybody. if u hv a boyfriend or girlfriend who is drunk, pls run now, ive been trapped for 12years and still am. Having kids is great but they change everything. As for myself i think my life is over. i just want to live long enough to support my children. i love being part of their lives, sport etc. As for me there is no point anymore with relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Carl,
You are not trapped. That door swings both ways. Take your own advice, RUN. Get yourself and your kids away from the madness.
You have a good job, your already have the support of family, you can do this........
So your wife is good with the kids when she is sober. The harm comes when She is not sober. It is your obligation and duty to keep them free from harm. Maybe, just maybe, leaving will allow your wife to reevalute her life and get her priorities in order.
Wishing you peace.
You are not trapped. That door swings both ways. Take your own advice, RUN. Get yourself and your kids away from the madness.
You have a good job, your already have the support of family, you can do this........
So your wife is good with the kids when she is sober. The harm comes when She is not sober. It is your obligation and duty to keep them free from harm. Maybe, just maybe, leaving will allow your wife to reevalute her life and get her priorities in order.
Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
((((Carl)))) YOur life is not over, it is just beginning. I promise, you are just torn down right now.
You will build confidence, you will find peace, you will have happiness again.
Rock bottom sucks, ask me how I know.
Keep posting, we know your hurt. xoxo
You will build confidence, you will find peace, you will have happiness again.
Rock bottom sucks, ask me how I know.
Keep posting, we know your hurt. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 34
Carl I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. As mentioned by everyone above, you need to either remove her from the house or remove yourself and the children from the house. The longer your children stay living in fear of their mother the more emotional damage will occur. I would keep detailed documents of her drinking habits and anytime you have caught her driving under the influence. You are very lucky to have the financial means and emotional support from family to be able to leave. You sound like a great dad that is trying to protect his children. You know what you need to do as hard as it may seem. Make a plan this way when all the emotions and chaos start to kick in you have something you can follow step by step to make sure everything goes as smoothly as it can. I hope that everything goes well for you and your children. Court can be scary but the more detailed records, witnesses to her behavior, police reports, ect you have the better your chances are of having a favorable outcome in the courts.
Good luck,
~ Yellieee
Good luck,
~ Yellieee
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
You don't have to attend Al Anon, just call and let them know your situation. Someone will call you back and talk with you. Just a thought.
Single parents are able to have their children attend day care and the children do get to school and are taken care of after school, as an option. Only if your family isn't able to help out, sometimes they do take children only for a couple of days. Remember to put information on the emergency information card that Mom isn't allowed to pick up the children.
Al-Anon Family Groups Australia Their phone number is on here.
More phone numbers here: Find a meeting in Australia
Listening to a voice might help you.
Love & hugs,
Single parents are able to have their children attend day care and the children do get to school and are taken care of after school, as an option. Only if your family isn't able to help out, sometimes they do take children only for a couple of days. Remember to put information on the emergency information card that Mom isn't allowed to pick up the children.
Al-Anon Family Groups Australia Their phone number is on here.
More phone numbers here: Find a meeting in Australia
Listening to a voice might help you.
Love & hugs,
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Your children are the most important consideration. If you think you could make the marriage work with her being sober, then I'd give her an ultimatum: get help or get out. If she's not willing to get help, get her out of there - go to court if you have to. If you're filing for divorce, ask for sole custody of the kids until she can get her sh*t together and tell the judge that you fear for your children's safety when they're with her. Not sure how the law works in Australia, but in the U.S. the judge will issue temporary orders that will be in full effect until the divorce is final, and you may be able to have full custody until then, and possibly after the divorce is final (at the least, you might be able to get supervised visitation for your wife).
My kids saw me drunk for too many years. They weren't afraid of me, but my oldest was pretty disgusted. This type of thing makes a lasting impression on kids, especially when they're young. The last thing you want to happen is for your wife to injure one of them or, God forbid, drive drunk with them in the car. It would also be permanently damaging to them if something bad happened to her (worst case scenario - death from her drinking) in front of them. Imagine getting that image out of your head if you're a small child ...
You don't have to be trapped and neither do your children. There are definitely some horribly difficult decisions to be made, but put those children first no matter what you do. I feel for you, Carl - my prayers will be with you and your family.
My kids saw me drunk for too many years. They weren't afraid of me, but my oldest was pretty disgusted. This type of thing makes a lasting impression on kids, especially when they're young. The last thing you want to happen is for your wife to injure one of them or, God forbid, drive drunk with them in the car. It would also be permanently damaging to them if something bad happened to her (worst case scenario - death from her drinking) in front of them. Imagine getting that image out of your head if you're a small child ...
You don't have to be trapped and neither do your children. There are definitely some horribly difficult decisions to be made, but put those children first no matter what you do. I feel for you, Carl - my prayers will be with you and your family.
Computer Experiment..Gone Bad!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Belize
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Carl5566 
Hi all and thx for ur advice in advance. Ive been married 12 yrs to an alcoholic wife, we hv 2 kids 10 and 8yrs who are scared by their mum.s drinking. As a father I want to protect them.
1) Get officials involved to protect you and your children, tell them what they need to know so it is all documented for later legal things (Custody).
2) You already know what needs to be done, leave with the children to a safer place if she will not leave.
3) "Us" who have made the horrible choice to drink over the safety of our family can no longer be trusted (I know that is harsh but true) She will need to earn you and your children's trust back. (many years possibly)
From a 20 year drunk, I learned to lie to the end of the earth just to make sure I had access to my next drink, so don't fall for our lies. It will take a long time to earn the trust back. For now, move on and provide the wonderful kids a bright future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by Carl5566
Hi all and thx for ur advice in advance. Ive been married 12 yrs to an alcoholic wife, we hv 2 kids 10 and 8yrs who are scared by their mum.s drinking. I work 5 days a week, she doesn't work at all. She is supposed to take our kids to school. She has been a drunk before we met. I often enlist the help of her mum and two sisters when she is drunk so that the kids are picked up from school and looked after until I get home.
Last August we managed to get her into a rehab centre for 3 weeks but during her stay he met and had an affair. She still speaks to this guy and calls him when drunk, sometimes not realizing and always apologizes to me the next day. Anyway she is v drunk . Lies. Hides bottles but recently has been drink driving and picking up the kids. I want my kids to be safe. I want to leave her and get custody of the kids. I'm not sure what the law will suggest for us. Above all I don't want my children living under these conditions , they r very scared of her when she is drunk. On the flip side when she is sober she is great with them.
As a father I want to protect them. Do you think I should leave her and is there any hope for me to get the children? I've stayed with her so long for the sake of the kids but this ongoing affair is the last straw. I cannot kick her out of the house because she won't leave and creates a scene. I've had to live through her being v drunk through-out pregnancy and breastfeeding. Is there any hope for her? Anyone out there with similar experience and advice, please don't hold back. I do feel like a fool for staying and supporting her over 12 years, but feel trapped at the same time and i think the law tends to favor women . My only wish is for my kids safety and happiness.
Last August we managed to get her into a rehab centre for 3 weeks but during her stay he met and had an affair. She still speaks to this guy and calls him when drunk, sometimes not realizing and always apologizes to me the next day. Anyway she is v drunk . Lies. Hides bottles but recently has been drink driving and picking up the kids. I want my kids to be safe. I want to leave her and get custody of the kids. I'm not sure what the law will suggest for us. Above all I don't want my children living under these conditions , they r very scared of her when she is drunk. On the flip side when she is sober she is great with them.
As a father I want to protect them. Do you think I should leave her and is there any hope for me to get the children? I've stayed with her so long for the sake of the kids but this ongoing affair is the last straw. I cannot kick her out of the house because she won't leave and creates a scene. I've had to live through her being v drunk through-out pregnancy and breastfeeding. Is there any hope for her? Anyone out there with similar experience and advice, please don't hold back. I do feel like a fool for staying and supporting her over 12 years, but feel trapped at the same time and i think the law tends to favor women . My only wish is for my kids safety and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: France
Posts: 74
Hi Carl.
This is a reply purely based on the Australian situation. I feel as if the Australian Family Courts are tricky, and really based on the particular judge at the time. Also, the whole process is long and can be expensive and will be more damage for your kids to see you go through - i.e mum vs dad in court... unless you can resolve a situation in mediation. But it sounds like a stubborn woman you're married to (stubborn enough to drink through pregnancy etc) - I also feel as if starting a legal battle could also bring issues to the school your children attend - i/e Mum turning up there etc...
Is it possible instead to actually move to a new house where she wouldn't know where it is at the same time - having an intervention of sorts and helping your wife again, sending her to rehab for the last time at the same time, and filing for divorce but also presenting her an opportunity to have shared custody - and giving her a serious opportunity for her to get well?
Imagine if her kids being taken away, a costly courtcase, and being shunned sent her over the edge - you can absolve responsibility from her as a husband, without absolving responsibility for the fact that you loved the mother of your children.
You need to talk to a great family court lawyer in Sydney - of which I can send you a list - but also I think having a family counsellor on hand to transition smoothly.
I was 9 when my alcoholic mother had a nervous breakdown and my father left her and us. It was so clear in my mind - the end of childhood... I always think there could have been more care in the situation looking back - more humanity.
Sending good thoughts.
This is a reply purely based on the Australian situation. I feel as if the Australian Family Courts are tricky, and really based on the particular judge at the time. Also, the whole process is long and can be expensive and will be more damage for your kids to see you go through - i.e mum vs dad in court... unless you can resolve a situation in mediation. But it sounds like a stubborn woman you're married to (stubborn enough to drink through pregnancy etc) - I also feel as if starting a legal battle could also bring issues to the school your children attend - i/e Mum turning up there etc...
Is it possible instead to actually move to a new house where she wouldn't know where it is at the same time - having an intervention of sorts and helping your wife again, sending her to rehab for the last time at the same time, and filing for divorce but also presenting her an opportunity to have shared custody - and giving her a serious opportunity for her to get well?
Imagine if her kids being taken away, a costly courtcase, and being shunned sent her over the edge - you can absolve responsibility from her as a husband, without absolving responsibility for the fact that you loved the mother of your children.
You need to talk to a great family court lawyer in Sydney - of which I can send you a list - but also I think having a family counsellor on hand to transition smoothly.
I was 9 when my alcoholic mother had a nervous breakdown and my father left her and us. It was so clear in my mind - the end of childhood... I always think there could have been more care in the situation looking back - more humanity.
Sending good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: France
Posts: 74
As for law tending to favour men or women - its actually quite favorable toward men - much more so than the US system. Having said this, it really is just dependent on the judge and the day, their is no blue-print.
Good luck, and do let me know if you'd like the list. 450 an hour is the average cost, but they are good.
Good luck, and do let me know if you'd like the list. 450 an hour is the average cost, but they are good.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
You mentioned that she sometimes goes to AA.
Do you have a copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous book in your home?
There is a chapter called "To Wives"...you can read it through and substitute everywhere you see "husband" with "wife".
It may be helpful.
Does she have women that come to the home and read the book with her?
Have you seen women from AA coming to support her?
Do you know any of these women and can you contact them to ask them to help?
Can you show your wife the copy of the book, and read the chapter about alcoholism together and ask her if she would like to stop for good?
Do you have a church that you attend?
Perhaps a talk with someone from your church or pastoral counseling would be helpful?
Having a family meeting with all together like an intervention could be helpful.
Have hope.
I am sure there are many that have been where you are and have recovered, and all kinds of problems have been righted.
Have faith.
Read that chapter. See if anything speaks to you.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
Does she know about SR?
Does she come here to learn and for support?
She can send me a pm if she would like to talk to someone.
Do you have a copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous book in your home?
There is a chapter called "To Wives"...you can read it through and substitute everywhere you see "husband" with "wife".
It may be helpful.
Does she have women that come to the home and read the book with her?
Have you seen women from AA coming to support her?
Do you know any of these women and can you contact them to ask them to help?
Can you show your wife the copy of the book, and read the chapter about alcoholism together and ask her if she would like to stop for good?
Do you have a church that you attend?
Perhaps a talk with someone from your church or pastoral counseling would be helpful?
Having a family meeting with all together like an intervention could be helpful.
Have hope.
I am sure there are many that have been where you are and have recovered, and all kinds of problems have been righted.
Have faith.
Read that chapter. See if anything speaks to you.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
Does she know about SR?
Does she come here to learn and for support?
She can send me a pm if she would like to talk to someone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Sydney
Posts: 4
Hi all, thk u all v v much for your terrific advice. Katiekate- as u say i shud document it, get children out- they hv her mum and sisters; marie1960-i do hv an obligation as a father and yes i dont want her back she just lies; yelliee- detailed documents again, witnesses- who are her mum and sisters....if push comes to shove will they support me or her in custody battle ?..so another dilemna,; SB-tx will def go to Alanon ; desertsong-great ideas abt full custody for a while. i dont want her back now becoz she had an affair and calls his guy when drunk.,she doesnt mean to she says? Belize Diver- thk u v much good points i sense a common theme now; Spawn-i had money n property before marriage 12 yrs ago,,i am expecting to lose 100k on legal fees and then prob get 60/40 split or 70/30 plus kids? wishful thinking...nthg is certain..its hard for me to lose money and half of property but she is the mother of my chldren and yes wud like her to remain a key figure in their lives, Workingknee- great Aust info..pls give me a list..i contacted two lawyers today....i dont know where to start with counsellors..do u know any pls? veritas-she goes to AA but at times brings a bottle in her handbag n drinks when its over....she say AA makes her think more about it and gives her the urge to drink.
I wish to share with everyone what happened last night...she drank again....when i was putting the kids to bed....wasted....called this guy to pick her up becoz she knew her mum wud try n get her into rehab today....anyway blacked out..this guy calls me at home on our home phone? asked me where she was and was going to pick her up and take her from me? so i went ballistic and he shut the phone. wish i knew where he lived..but thats a problem for later. This mng her mum comes over drives kids to school..all good..tries to get my wife to rehab....wife slips in bathroom splits head open just above the eyebrow...blood everywhere....big gash. emergency room in hospital....luckily kids did not see it happen....her poor old mum....going thru the wars. I want to finish this post by saying.....thank u all soo much for ur help and friendship. I drink occasionally / obviously with clients but i dont hv a prob with alcohol and nvr touched any substance in my life. Please live your lives well, you all sound very educated and terrific people to be with. I wish you all the best with any problems you may have. I have a lot of work in front of me with looking after the children and keeping my wife away for starters.
I wish to share with everyone what happened last night...she drank again....when i was putting the kids to bed....wasted....called this guy to pick her up becoz she knew her mum wud try n get her into rehab today....anyway blacked out..this guy calls me at home on our home phone? asked me where she was and was going to pick her up and take her from me? so i went ballistic and he shut the phone. wish i knew where he lived..but thats a problem for later. This mng her mum comes over drives kids to school..all good..tries to get my wife to rehab....wife slips in bathroom splits head open just above the eyebrow...blood everywhere....big gash. emergency room in hospital....luckily kids did not see it happen....her poor old mum....going thru the wars. I want to finish this post by saying.....thank u all soo much for ur help and friendship. I drink occasionally / obviously with clients but i dont hv a prob with alcohol and nvr touched any substance in my life. Please live your lives well, you all sound very educated and terrific people to be with. I wish you all the best with any problems you may have. I have a lot of work in front of me with looking after the children and keeping my wife away for starters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Sydney
Posts: 4
thanks jitterbug ..just back from hospital,,,wife has wound above eyebrow...she overdosed on valium this mng prior to her mum trying to take her into rehab hence the accident.....we will try again tomorrow to admit her
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