Roselian

Hi everyone!.
I had a goal last time I wrote on this forum that I was going to be sober for a month.
I actually did it. Tomorow it will be 6 weeks.

Actually feeling rested on monday morning since I have not been drinking myself to a stupor during the weekend feels good. I have not made a plan of what I should do next.

I just feel like I am at point where I should make a firm decision about what to do with my drinking. But I can`t to that. I am still thinking about that day in the future when I will have a nice glass of wine with a friend. Or this summer when I can sit by the ocean and enjoy a cold beer. So I am just stalling it.

I want to drink but I am really scared and that`s what is holding me back. I dont want to feel miserable. Doing stupid stuff while under the influence. The horrific anxiety. But still I think a lot about the good stuff that comes with drinking.

I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts and feelings ,I know I don`t have question.

MemphisBlues

Hey, Rose

Yes, fear can be a strong motivator. Congrats on six weeks, but I see you joined this forum a year ago...

And yes, thinking of never drinking again is daunting, but sometimes fear is trying to tell us what our rational mind is incapable of grasping and that is the fact that things can get much worse.

That's why they say alcoholism is a progressive thing.

I shy away from slogans and AA jargon in general, but one thing I like about taking one day at a time is the idea of just not drinking for today. Sometimes that comes down to just not drinking now.

I don't know your history, but for me there was never that "one glass of wine" with dinner. I do enjoy going out to dinner and seeing a normal person having that one glass and thinking what an amateur they are! It separates me from others. That person can drink. I can't. Why? Because I have proven to myself time and time again that I don't want just one drink, that I can't fathom the concept of just one drink, that I see no point in one drink.

I am sure I could have one at the first dinner, maybe even the second dinner, but for this alcoholic a weird inescapable craving kicks in once I consume alcohol, an inexplicable need for more, maybe not right then, but soon.

Yep, I think we go through a grieving process recognizing that abstinence is a forever thing, but there is also this amazing freedom in that for me now. And if you are the type of alcoholic I am, you'll learn to embrace that in a happy way.

Are you working any kind of program? AA? AVRT? SMART?

IndaMiricale

I don't know your history, but for me there was never that "one glass of wine" with dinner. I do enjoy going out to dinner and seeing a normal person having that one glass and thinking what an amateur they are! It separates me from others. That person can drink. I can't. Why? Because I have proven to myself time and time again that I don't want just one drink, that I can't fathom the concept of just one drink, that I see no point in one drink.


Ditto to that .

scrambled2012

Very well put Memphis.

yea, those folks who drink one glass, for what reason?.....i just don't get them.

Freaking weirdo's! lol

Roselian

Thanks for your replies. I guess I feel the same way about just having on glass of wine. Sometimes I can have just one glass and control it. However a lot of times when I am drinking I loose controll and drink way to much.

I have tried to moderate my drinking and I can do it for a while. But I have not been able to have a responsible use of alcohol for a long period of time. Maybe I will plan on being sober the next four weeks as well. I am trying to loose weight and get healthy so i have lots of good reasons to quit. I think my problem is more bingedrinking related that alcoholism though. Even though my last binge was alcoholism like and that really scared me. I drank the whole weekend,even on monday which is terrible.

My life have been quite drama-free this last month and I am doing good. ; )

CaiHong

Hi Rose,
It is weird that you say how better you have been feeling being off the booze and that you have problems moderating your intake and yet you still are contemplating trying to drink moderately.

I can relate to those moments , the one glass of wine with friends, a beer on a hot day but I know it is a fantasy, I have never had one glass of wine or one beer.

You are doing so well why would you want to blow it now?

CaiHong

Eliasson

For me, binge drinking did equal alcoholism. I've heard it's not how much or how often you drink so much as what happens when you drink. Can I control the amount of alcohol I use once I start? The answer for me is sometimes, but usually not. I've spent a long time looking for all the differences between me and "real" alcoholics, instead of the similarities. 20 years, actually. I'm just now starting to really accept the truth. I think the decision you are making to not take a drink, one day at a time, for another 4 weeks is a great one. Congrats on 6 weeks!

Sapling

There's no difference...I have a few friends in AA that are binge drinkers...And their stories are worse than mine.....Welcome to SR.

ovrock

I FEAR withdrawals!!! So I gues you're not alone where that is concerned... Stay strong

Roselian

I know. It does not make sense. And that is why I think the addiction is playing a part. So much of the bad stuff in my life is related to alcohol. And I still want to keep drinking.

midgetcop

Congrats on 6 weeks Roselian!

I was a binge drinker too, so I can relate. I tried to moderate my intake all the time, but I'd fail more times than not. I mean really, what's the point of having *one* lousy beer? It just set the ball in motion for me, really.

I know you're imagining sitting by the beach with a drink and other positive images and associations we carry in our minds about alcohol. But really, you can enjoy hanging with your friend or sitting by the beach just as much without the alcohol. In fact, you'd probably finding yourself enjoying the moment that much more because you aren't obsessing over your next drink.

It's really about trying to disassociate these enjoyable moments from alcohol.

workingknee

Congrats on the achievement Roselian - and not just the 6 weeks you've been sober - but that you came here to SR to air an idea about starting drinking again instead of just doing it. I think that shows intelligence and commitment and it's great that you did this. Wanting to drink is a real feeling, a real craving and we all have it - the fact you can openly rationalize the feeling with people in the same boat --- well, it seems that you are recovering indeed! Thank you for sharing thoughts of weakness.

Sending thoughts of strength to you today. xx

Lost3000

Hey Rose, congrats! 3 years ago I got sober for 4 mos. I was so happy. I wrote about it a lot in my journal. Then I decided I was ok, cured! And drank again. It was so light at first, just one glass here, then the next moment I was drinking half a bottle of vodka! Crazy. And then I knew. I think sometimes people have to have that happen to them, it's the only way I got it anyhow. Otherwise, you just never know. Even though all signs point to yes. It seems like the only way some people get it, is by failing. Good luck to you and I hope you stay sober. It's much better over here.

Dee74

Congratulations on 6 weeks Roselian

when in doubt I always suggest going back to your first post - that's the kind of situation you've gotten away from - is it worth gambling maybe going back there?

Only you can answer that

D

eJoshua

Six weeks is awesome, congratulations!

As you say, you keep thinking of the next time you can have a drink in a fond way. Maybe this is what is causing your fear and anxiety? You might feel better about the situation if you were just to decide that you were done for good and that there won't be a next time.

I know that for me, my life got a whole lot easier when I accepted the fact I had to quit. Call it surrender or call it giving up a delusional way of thinking, but when I finally realized that that summer day with a glass of wine on the porch was never going to come, that's when I was finally able to move on and start my life again.

artsoul

Congrats on 6 weeks - that's great!

Those images (beach, holidays, whatever) don't always die right away. I tried to remind myself that they're really only fantasies and more often than not they don't happen the way we picture them in our heads. It's just as likely we'll end up at the beach and suffer through the same hangovers and the same worries..... our bathing suit doesn't fit or the car breaks down....... It's just no fun dealing with stuff - even good stuff - when you don't feel well......

Even without all the hangovers, etc., one of the greatest benefits of sobriety for me is not having that obsession in the back of my mind all the time. Unless I'm on SR, I hardly think about it at all. It took time for sure, but that's coming from someone who felt like you, totally scared to even think about life without a drink.

I'm glad you're going for another month!

michelle01

This resonated with me, I think sometimes we can get a bit hung up on the label of alcoholic, I could've been described as a binge drinker but it was becoming more regular, and I had some very dangerous binge drinking sessions. It's a serious social/health issue in itself. At 6 weeks, you're still finding your way a bit, getting used to life without alcohol (yes there is life after alcohol). Sometimes, I could control my intake too, but I could never predict the outcome and in general I can't really see the point in just one or two drinks. So I decided I might as well give it up altogether and not have it as an issue in my life.

instant

I never understand when 'normal' people have one glass of wine. I drank for the effect, chasing the buzz, trying to get it humming just right.

My attempts at 'moderation' were in effect trying to the same thing ie I still craved the buzz once I had some alcohol. I was just trying harder to avoid the negatives.

I was born to crave.

For me sobriety is liberating not a sentence

stillsleeping

Hey hun,

I'm hearing two things - that you can sometimes control your drinking but often can't, and that you feel much better when you're not drinking but can't bear the thought of never drinking again. These are both huge alckie signposts. And it took you a year to get the point where you could take a few weeks off...

Past experience has told you that you can't have just one glass - or, worse, occasionally you can, but can't predict when those times are going to be. Why would this have changed?

I spent 19 years coming around to the fact that I can't drink. Most of those years were spent trying "only on Saturdays" or "only when the sun is shining and we're in a pub garden because who can live without beer in a sunny pub garden...?"

Ugh. I can't have a glass of wine with a friend. Hey ho. The boozy me couldn't play badminton with a friend, or go running on the beach. Time goes on. Some things we lose, some things we gain. Why hang on to something that doesn't work?

Let it go. The conflict is far worse than the acceptance. That's why so many people on this forum are all saying the same thing. they've let go, and found that it's better than okay.

Trust us. You'll miss it, but you don't need it.

Still
xx

augustwest

this may not be popular but my experience was that the only way to find acceptance and peace with what my condition is was to test the theory that I could drink normally. when that delusion was smashed the door flung open to my new way of life.