Tendencies

I"m having the hardest time not throwing myself back into the abyss these last two weeks. I've been sober since November of 2009.

I've been starting to think.

"Well it might be ok if I just go to Cuba for a week and go wild Smoke and drink, have a good time - just let loose."

".....I deserve it right. We're all going to die anyway. Why do I have to deny myself all that fun?"

Man...what the h^ll kind of thinking is that.... I want to smoke too. I quit smoking after I quit drinking. All this crazy thinking and its been a a year and 4 months since I quit. I thought I was through this. I thought I had this BEAT....

The thing is my life is WAY better now then wheat it was when I was a drunk. Having to plan my life around drinking and all that chaos...debt...life in the toilet.... so bad. So why am I having these thoughts? These terrible terrible ideas. Just insane. The drinking I was doing before was not fun. It was awful. I can't even describe the soul destroying existence was of getting up hung over and then drinking myself into a stupor everyday...shake and repeat.

So I'm thinking I may have hit a bit of a wall in my recovery. I go to therapy 3 times a week. That's good, but I still need to move forward. I need a win? (Every day is a big win being sober I know. I'm not knocking it)

So lets do some very scary math shall we!

I'm in Canada so the price of a pack of smokes I was using was about $9. I did one of those a day. As well I was drinking about $25-$30 a day in booze from the liquor store. I did that almost everyday.

So lets say $35 a day conservative for the year:

365 X $35 = $12,775. That does not factor in all the other stupid things I bought or ate while drunk. And I did spend this much. I just got out of the credit card debt to prove it. I actually was drinking a line of credit on my house at one point.

So in the year and more I've been sober I have at least $10K that I would not have if still a drunk. I have a good job. I make good money. I just got a really nice tax return. I'm thinking I should do something to celebrate my sobriety that's meaningful at a very personal level to me.

There is some land for sale that was part of the original 800 acres on the homestead my family got when settling. This is before anything around the 1800's. The lakes up there are named after us still. Anyway. I have a 2nd or third cousin who is selling 5 acres on the water of this gorgeous lake. It's not great land. Kinda the runt of the litter really but its got a road on it and has water frontage.

I'm thinking I should bite the bullet and do this for me. I'm still single single no kids, never married and 37. I love to camp and fish and be outside. I'm thinking I need this. It's going cheap too Like $7K. So my first year of not drinking would pay for this. I have the money now, it would not put me in jeopardy of anything.

So my heart says yes. I remember that it was when I stopped following my heart that I got into trouble. Where a really came apart and the drink took control.

I'm really struggling with sobriety right now. I'm pretty scared I"m gonna fall. I've not stressed like this since my first month of sobriety.

I"m going up tomorrow to look at this land. Jeeze I hope it's not all cliff face or something. LOL

What do you all think? I"m not looking for this purchase of land to save me or anything. I'm thinking I need a personal marker in my life though. I need to plant my flag in the ground so to speak.

-Tendencies

silly

sounds like you've got an especially great reason to stay sober!!!! Land on a lake that's yours for life or booze??

2granddaughters

Oh, man, this is where the problem starts !! ...........

Tendencies, are you going to AA meetings? Got a sponsor?

Sounds like a good deal on a piece of land if you can afford/maintain it and enjoy it. I'd like to know what your sponsor said about it??

Bob R

artsoul

I think it sounds great! We get sober to enjoy our lives, and if you can afford to do it and love to camp and fish, it sounds like it would be something you'd really enjoy. Make a pro/con list and give yourself some days to think about it (especially if you tend to be impulsive, like me!)

Maybe you're desire to drink isn't as much about getting numb as it is a sign that you need to add something (enjoyable) to your life(?).

Tendencies

Yeah.. I think it might be a good idea. I've been looking for land for about a year now. This just kinda cropped up and I've been hesitating for a long time about it. I'll look at it.

I'm just wondering why the desire to self destruct is so strong. Drinking has this siren song that is alluring. I just have to play the tape through to see where it gets me though. It gets me pretty dead pretty fast.

as an aside. Nope I'm not in AA. My dad is though. I've been to more than my fair share of AA meetings and the AA life growing up. It really turned me off of that program. Not into religion either.

I don't believe in fate or anything but if I did I would be worried. My Grandfather on my mothers side was a alcoholic. My father and my uncle as well. My sisters have some issues as well but I think they are hiding them pretty well for the most part.....

I really like the idea of knowing there's a little but of heaven out there with my name on it though....

mirage

I think it sounds awesome, Tendencies. I hope you love the land tomorrow!!

michelle01

I think we all go through times like this, and it's important to recognize the addictive voice, call on it - in a forum such as this, to a friend, etc, to get some objectivity. The brain tends to have a short memory of the bad events, it's wired for instant rewards. You can get around that, but it takes some work.

A short term binge just isn't worth it and can really throw off your recovery, because it sets up those receptors all over again and it gets into a pretty familiar cycle - I spent a year doing that and it didn't do me much good overall. We all think after a period of strict abstinence, maybe we can control it, but that never got me anywhere. Finally it sunk in, I got it at a deeper level, I'm far better off and life is much less troublesome with complete abstinence. I think some people get that through prayer/surrender. Sometimes our brains just don't think the way that they probably should lol.

InsertNameHere

Land the one thing they aren't making more of. I will be in the market as well and personaly I say go for it. waterfront property can't ever go anywhere but up with time. For now use it as a reward and recreationaly, plant some trees, improve it a little with time. By the time you go to retire you will have either a awesome place to get away from it all or a decent little feather in the cap of your retirement fund. I think it is a great way to spend the money you would have otherwise spent on booze.

lillyknitting

It's the stinking thinking, or the beast, as they call it, which just goes to show it never leaves us, my friend has been sober now for 18 years and still goes to meetings, so maybe AA has a point when it says alcoholism is an illness we have for life, it's been a lifelong battle for me!

KaliCali

Buying the land sounds great. I think we are such a neurotic species because we are losing a sense of place more and more. Whether that is changing places, peoples jobs every few months to few years. And it ties in with your ancestors.

As for your feelings of wanting to do it all in. Please don't. I'm struggling with day 1 and I'd love to be where you are after a year. You are richer and wiser-remember that. It does sound like you need a new project.

Dee74

I hope the land is what you're looking for Tendencies

As for the thoughts - I dunno about you but I drank for years - it seems natural to me the thoughts stay around and can be surprisingly intense for a while.

Although I can't remember the last time, sometimes the fleeting idea still comes to me...it's easily pushed away as nonsense

Those thoughts grow softer and less insistent the more I build myself a new sober life I love to live

D

zorah

My brain does the same thing. It's alcoholic amnesia; i fall prey to it especially cuz I'm not that far down the road of destruction yet. seduction has a way of obliterating painful memories. It helps me to focus on one moment at a time rather than days, weeks, months into the future. Meditation has helped so much with this.... Anyway,Think of all you've achieved through sobriety. Can you really give that up for the very temporary pleasure of a drink?

MsJax

Tendencies, I think the land sounds wonderful. How perfect to have a little spot to go to just to pitch a tent or rest for for a day or to. I like what **** said about "sense of place". Is it close to where you live? So you would get to enjoy it frequently?

I also know what you mean about the just let loose thinking thing...That thought fleets through my mind too. I know I'm not going to drink, I don't want to & I can't, but yes thoughts do flow now & then.

Sometimes the ebb & flow of life is hard & we just have to ride the wave. It's ok to feel bad sometimes. It's not a big bowl of *&%#ing cherries, no matter how long we're sober. I hope you feel more at peace soon. Me too.

Tendencies

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I went and looked at the land today. It's an interesting piece of land. Not sure it's for me the way it is on a slope and a narrow path to the water.

However. I found some other land for sale on a gorgeous little lake about 5 minutes from there for sale by my distant relation. Ten minutes from this spot is a really nice gold course and a skill hill. What more could I ask for!

I have to find out the price but I think I will do it. The lake is just perfect. The trees are really old and the hills and water simply magic.

The thing that helps me the most I must say is coming here right now and communicating my thoughts. Thanks all.

Tendencies....