I have a crazy idea
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Well let go and let god , I could of done at 6 days cause I was still just getting done with serious detoxing also. But after a month and I feel great is when it gets bumpy.
Lets us know
Lets us know
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Not trying to be snarky here, but a couple of days ago, you posted this:
"I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober."
I think you've gotten some good advice here in that department.
"I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober."
I think you've gotten some good advice here in that department.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
Everyone is different. I don't think a 'test' is helpful tho as hour by hour u feel different some days. It sneaks up on u and then u see your knuckles turn white!
For me tho, I didn't want to stop doing everything because I wasn't drinking. I found it easier out and about. My main trigger was at home bored.
U might find u HATE that resteraunt sober, be interesting to hear of your outcome
For me tho, I didn't want to stop doing everything because I wasn't drinking. I found it easier out and about. My main trigger was at home bored.
U might find u HATE that resteraunt sober, be interesting to hear of your outcome
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
CD, by all means take your wife out for a nice meal. She may want a glass of beer or a wine. At the end of the day all our lives we are surrounded by booze in supermarkets, bars (even if we walk past them) adverts, etc
Have a plan, tell her you arent drinking, drive there.
I think it is totally crazy to do it as a test. I ordered a takeaway curry for delivery yesterday, and if you spend a certain amount, they give you a free bottle of wine. I hoped to God I hadnt got up to that spend level because I didnt want the test. I cope enough with avoiding booze on a daily basis, I dont want to submit myself to extra stress just for the sake of it though.
Fortunately I didnt get the wine, I dont think I would have drunk it, but it would have been in the house at a vulnerable time.
Remember the first drink does the damage
Have a plan, tell her you arent drinking, drive there.
I think it is totally crazy to do it as a test. I ordered a takeaway curry for delivery yesterday, and if you spend a certain amount, they give you a free bottle of wine. I hoped to God I hadnt got up to that spend level because I didnt want the test. I cope enough with avoiding booze on a daily basis, I dont want to submit myself to extra stress just for the sake of it though.
Fortunately I didnt get the wine, I dont think I would have drunk it, but it would have been in the house at a vulnerable time.
Remember the first drink does the damage
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 25
When I had initially written the post and started the thread, I honestly was not expecting many positive and supporting responses. I figured that I would receive some flak; instead I was bombarded with a torrent of surface-to-air missiles. I will speak my peace later on, but for now let me just summarize the recent series of events.
The theory that I had proposed was to gradually reintroduce myself to our society’s alcohol based culture, which would therefore decrease my probability of relapsing later on down the road. Face it, alcohol exists everywhere in society: billboards, television, sporting events, Chuck ‘E Cheese, etc. There are even convenient stores now that sell liquor. If I ignore the existence of this culture for numerous months then suddenly immerse myself back into it when I am “ready,” then would that not be infinitely times as dangerous as a gradual reintroduction as I had planned? Would not such a long period between my last drink and being “ready,” cause me to forget how to handle being around alcohol? I think of an alcoholic trying to get sober as an obese man training to run a marathon. Dieting is obvious but physical training is key as well. The obese man may have lost his body fat but without building his muscle, he is doomed to fail the marathon. In this analogy dieting is stopping drinking and physical training is practicing to fight the urges and to say no when offered. If I were to neglect my “physical training” then how would I handle going to a Hawkeye game or, even worse, a Brewers game after months of sobriety? I envision myself telling my wife that I need to use the restroom, and then making a beeline for the beer vendor. I know that many would say to call someone for support in that situation but it is my firm belief that this is my fight and it is up to me to muster up my own strength and my own courage to just say no and to simply drink a Diet Coke instead. I also believe that I need to maintain a connection with reality. If I become a shut in, moping around about how difficult it is to quit and how much I miss an inanimate liquid; then what would happen to the relationships that I treasure? I know I would not enjoy being married to that. Marriage, for example, is a partnership that requires sacrifice. My wife is sacrificing her being with her unconditional support through my recovery and I am sacrificing my being with maintaining my status as a husband and father even as I recover. If I were to focus on only my recovery and myself then I would become a selfish ***** and our relationship would suffer immensely and possibly even collapse. If she has had a rough day and needs a margarita, then so be it. I will get an iced tea and she can have a margarita. It is a sacrifice that I would be more than willing to make and in order to do so I must strengthen myself.
My plan was to go out to eat with my wife at a typical chain restaurant, not with drinking buddies at a pub. In this scenario I would be with someone whom I trust who would watch out for me in case anything were to go awry and I would be at a place where excessive drinking is not condoned. Although I did listen to many of your comments and I decided to discard the quantitative evaluation idea that I had in favor of just spending a relaxing evening with my wife. After she got off of work, she called me and I proposed the idea to her. She was on board, however with one alteration which was that we would go to Red Lobster instead because she thought lobster sounded good to her. I agreed and we left. There was a wait at the restaurant so we sat at a bench outside. A waiter came out and asked if he could get us anything from the bar. I responded with an aggressive, “No!” followed by a redeeming, polite, “No, thank you.” I was mostly caught off guard by this action as this restaurant behavior is quite bizarre as allowing customers to have drinks outside would be a violation of open container laws. Despite the fact that nearly everyone else waiting had a beer in his or her hand, I was for the most part unaffected and did not reminisce about alcohol. When we were seated, I ordered an iced tea and my wife ordered a glass of Riesling. I did feel a tad bit odd, but that was mostly due to the fact that I always ordered a drink when we went out to eat. Ordering a non-alcoholic beverage with dinner was something that was foreign to me. During dinner, we maintained a pleasant conversation about our days. I stated that today’s episode of Sid the Science Kid was excellent because one of the main messages was refuting the false notion that girls cannot be scientists due to their gender. It’s true; we need more females in science and engineering. As we ate cheddar biscuits and seafood, I had no urge to have some of her wine or ask her if I could just get a sip. That was it. We paid the bill and left for home. I worked on some homework for my Statistics class, my wife read the Hunger Games, and our son bounced around in his jumper. We did however reminisce about some of the fun times that we had while drinking. But then we agreed that we were parents now and that just will not fit into our lives. I think both of use grew up a little just then. We went to bed and woke up at 5AM so she could go to work and I could walk her out to her car. I realize that recovery is a roller coaster and last night may have just been a peak along that roller coaster. But my intention is to condition myself so that I can perform as well as I did last night even during the deepest of valleys along the roller coaster.
After today, it will have been one week since my last drink. Alcohol is not evil and it is not a poison. Whether it is genetics, how we are brought up, or just God’s plan; us alcoholics are allergic to alcohol. There is no test for alcoholism so we never realize that we are allergic to it until we have already built up an addiction. That is why it is so hard to stop.
Now if you would allow me to provide a rebuttal to some of your comments. After becoming sober I vowed to not let things slide instead of bottling my anger up which was a major contributor to my alcoholism in the first place. So describing the replies as negative would be a massive understatement. Many of them were ignorant, condescending, and insulting. I received the impression that many of the posters were hoping that I fail. For example, steelmagnolia stated, “......am just wondering how you will title your next post? Hope it's not....the devil made me do it!” I have a theory that many members resented my idea as watching me crash and burn would make themselves feel better about their own alcoholism. The speaker at last Tuesday’s AA meeting stated that alcoholics hate seeing people above them and will try to bring them down to their level just to make themselves feel better. If I were to succeed, then others would feel worse about themselves. I find it quite hypocritical that if someone relapses because they were celebrating being sober by getting drunk the support they get entails something along the line of “don’t worry it happens” while someone that inquiries about a possible method to help further their recovery receives insults and slaps on the wrist. If that is not the epitome of unhealthy, then I do not know what is. Sapling had stated that he/she had only been out of detox for a day at six days. I will counter that argument by saying that like every disease, alcoholism is different for everyone. My detox comprised an overnight hospital stay in which the main reason was because I had had multiple seizures. So I was being monitored for possible seizure activity. I also regained consciousness while in the ER to the image of my wife sobbing which is reason enough to never drink alcohol ever again. Whenever I see an alcoholic beverage, I picture that image. So basically, alcoholics have different patterns. I binged during the night. I did not drink during the day to maintain a constant buzz. Whatever helped you sapling, may not work for me. Desertsong, I know that your intentions were good but I still wanted to address your comment. You took my quote out of context. When I stated, "I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober" that was in reference to being home alone while my wife was at work. When I posted that, I was still under the impression that my wife was my crutch. Thankfully, Dee74 helped me to realize I cannot rely on my wife. It is unhealthy for both she and I. This is my problem and I have to be the one in control. Now the reason that quote does not apply here is because I would not be alone at the restaurant. My wife would be there to keep me in check. Sugarbear1, I find your statement, “straight edge people are vegetarian or vegan, are you adopting that, too? I don't think that place has vegetarian wings....” to be extremely condescending. Straight Edge is a rebel movement against a music scene that glamorized drinking, drugs, etc. Each person has their own interpretation of what being straight edge means to them. Your quote is basically the equivalent of saying that because Lutherans are allowed to eat meat on Fridays during lent if they choose they are not Christians because the Catholic Church forbids the eating of meat during lent. Not only is the logic of your post horrible flawed, it is highly inappropriate for a forum on alcohol recovery. Insulting the beliefs that someone relies upon to help recover is so unbelievably terrible that I cannot express them in words.
These qualms I have are not the result of me rejecting support during my recovery. I believe that many of these replies are trying to convince me to turn a blind eye to my demons and just hope that they do not return rather than actively face them and exorcise them from my being forever. I do have to say thank you however, to the antagonizers. I recently discovered through AA and a fellow SR member the concept of HALT. I concluded that anger is my trigger. When I saw some of these posts I have to admit, I was livid. But instead of drinking, I decided to write about what made me angry and confront the antagonizers head on.
So all in all I think what I have just experienced on this thread is incredibly unhealthy for me as I recover. For that reason, I have decided to delete my account and leave SR. I need support and this does not work for me. This is a decision for the best because I have started to become too reliant upon SR for support. It was a good starting point when I first started out and did not know where to turn, but now I am realizing that what works for one person may not work for another. It is somewhat of a shame however, because there are many wonderful people here including Dee74 for example.
I hope you all reach your ultimate goal someday. No one should have to suffer through alcoholism. I myself will continue attending AA meetings (every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning and every Wednesday night), attending church, reading the Big Book, and reading the Bible.
God bless you all.
P.S. It was never mentioned in this thread, but it is a reoccurring theme that I have seen throughout the forums. People resist AA because they reject the Christian overtones. Do not use that as an excuse for not attending meetings. The important part is the message. My groups always do the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings and that is pretty much the extent of the Christian overtones. If that makes you uncomfortable, then just hold hands but don’t recite the prayer. Get help and do not make excuses.
The theory that I had proposed was to gradually reintroduce myself to our society’s alcohol based culture, which would therefore decrease my probability of relapsing later on down the road. Face it, alcohol exists everywhere in society: billboards, television, sporting events, Chuck ‘E Cheese, etc. There are even convenient stores now that sell liquor. If I ignore the existence of this culture for numerous months then suddenly immerse myself back into it when I am “ready,” then would that not be infinitely times as dangerous as a gradual reintroduction as I had planned? Would not such a long period between my last drink and being “ready,” cause me to forget how to handle being around alcohol? I think of an alcoholic trying to get sober as an obese man training to run a marathon. Dieting is obvious but physical training is key as well. The obese man may have lost his body fat but without building his muscle, he is doomed to fail the marathon. In this analogy dieting is stopping drinking and physical training is practicing to fight the urges and to say no when offered. If I were to neglect my “physical training” then how would I handle going to a Hawkeye game or, even worse, a Brewers game after months of sobriety? I envision myself telling my wife that I need to use the restroom, and then making a beeline for the beer vendor. I know that many would say to call someone for support in that situation but it is my firm belief that this is my fight and it is up to me to muster up my own strength and my own courage to just say no and to simply drink a Diet Coke instead. I also believe that I need to maintain a connection with reality. If I become a shut in, moping around about how difficult it is to quit and how much I miss an inanimate liquid; then what would happen to the relationships that I treasure? I know I would not enjoy being married to that. Marriage, for example, is a partnership that requires sacrifice. My wife is sacrificing her being with her unconditional support through my recovery and I am sacrificing my being with maintaining my status as a husband and father even as I recover. If I were to focus on only my recovery and myself then I would become a selfish ***** and our relationship would suffer immensely and possibly even collapse. If she has had a rough day and needs a margarita, then so be it. I will get an iced tea and she can have a margarita. It is a sacrifice that I would be more than willing to make and in order to do so I must strengthen myself.
My plan was to go out to eat with my wife at a typical chain restaurant, not with drinking buddies at a pub. In this scenario I would be with someone whom I trust who would watch out for me in case anything were to go awry and I would be at a place where excessive drinking is not condoned. Although I did listen to many of your comments and I decided to discard the quantitative evaluation idea that I had in favor of just spending a relaxing evening with my wife. After she got off of work, she called me and I proposed the idea to her. She was on board, however with one alteration which was that we would go to Red Lobster instead because she thought lobster sounded good to her. I agreed and we left. There was a wait at the restaurant so we sat at a bench outside. A waiter came out and asked if he could get us anything from the bar. I responded with an aggressive, “No!” followed by a redeeming, polite, “No, thank you.” I was mostly caught off guard by this action as this restaurant behavior is quite bizarre as allowing customers to have drinks outside would be a violation of open container laws. Despite the fact that nearly everyone else waiting had a beer in his or her hand, I was for the most part unaffected and did not reminisce about alcohol. When we were seated, I ordered an iced tea and my wife ordered a glass of Riesling. I did feel a tad bit odd, but that was mostly due to the fact that I always ordered a drink when we went out to eat. Ordering a non-alcoholic beverage with dinner was something that was foreign to me. During dinner, we maintained a pleasant conversation about our days. I stated that today’s episode of Sid the Science Kid was excellent because one of the main messages was refuting the false notion that girls cannot be scientists due to their gender. It’s true; we need more females in science and engineering. As we ate cheddar biscuits and seafood, I had no urge to have some of her wine or ask her if I could just get a sip. That was it. We paid the bill and left for home. I worked on some homework for my Statistics class, my wife read the Hunger Games, and our son bounced around in his jumper. We did however reminisce about some of the fun times that we had while drinking. But then we agreed that we were parents now and that just will not fit into our lives. I think both of use grew up a little just then. We went to bed and woke up at 5AM so she could go to work and I could walk her out to her car. I realize that recovery is a roller coaster and last night may have just been a peak along that roller coaster. But my intention is to condition myself so that I can perform as well as I did last night even during the deepest of valleys along the roller coaster.
After today, it will have been one week since my last drink. Alcohol is not evil and it is not a poison. Whether it is genetics, how we are brought up, or just God’s plan; us alcoholics are allergic to alcohol. There is no test for alcoholism so we never realize that we are allergic to it until we have already built up an addiction. That is why it is so hard to stop.
Now if you would allow me to provide a rebuttal to some of your comments. After becoming sober I vowed to not let things slide instead of bottling my anger up which was a major contributor to my alcoholism in the first place. So describing the replies as negative would be a massive understatement. Many of them were ignorant, condescending, and insulting. I received the impression that many of the posters were hoping that I fail. For example, steelmagnolia stated, “......am just wondering how you will title your next post? Hope it's not....the devil made me do it!” I have a theory that many members resented my idea as watching me crash and burn would make themselves feel better about their own alcoholism. The speaker at last Tuesday’s AA meeting stated that alcoholics hate seeing people above them and will try to bring them down to their level just to make themselves feel better. If I were to succeed, then others would feel worse about themselves. I find it quite hypocritical that if someone relapses because they were celebrating being sober by getting drunk the support they get entails something along the line of “don’t worry it happens” while someone that inquiries about a possible method to help further their recovery receives insults and slaps on the wrist. If that is not the epitome of unhealthy, then I do not know what is. Sapling had stated that he/she had only been out of detox for a day at six days. I will counter that argument by saying that like every disease, alcoholism is different for everyone. My detox comprised an overnight hospital stay in which the main reason was because I had had multiple seizures. So I was being monitored for possible seizure activity. I also regained consciousness while in the ER to the image of my wife sobbing which is reason enough to never drink alcohol ever again. Whenever I see an alcoholic beverage, I picture that image. So basically, alcoholics have different patterns. I binged during the night. I did not drink during the day to maintain a constant buzz. Whatever helped you sapling, may not work for me. Desertsong, I know that your intentions were good but I still wanted to address your comment. You took my quote out of context. When I stated, "I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober" that was in reference to being home alone while my wife was at work. When I posted that, I was still under the impression that my wife was my crutch. Thankfully, Dee74 helped me to realize I cannot rely on my wife. It is unhealthy for both she and I. This is my problem and I have to be the one in control. Now the reason that quote does not apply here is because I would not be alone at the restaurant. My wife would be there to keep me in check. Sugarbear1, I find your statement, “straight edge people are vegetarian or vegan, are you adopting that, too? I don't think that place has vegetarian wings....” to be extremely condescending. Straight Edge is a rebel movement against a music scene that glamorized drinking, drugs, etc. Each person has their own interpretation of what being straight edge means to them. Your quote is basically the equivalent of saying that because Lutherans are allowed to eat meat on Fridays during lent if they choose they are not Christians because the Catholic Church forbids the eating of meat during lent. Not only is the logic of your post horrible flawed, it is highly inappropriate for a forum on alcohol recovery. Insulting the beliefs that someone relies upon to help recover is so unbelievably terrible that I cannot express them in words.
These qualms I have are not the result of me rejecting support during my recovery. I believe that many of these replies are trying to convince me to turn a blind eye to my demons and just hope that they do not return rather than actively face them and exorcise them from my being forever. I do have to say thank you however, to the antagonizers. I recently discovered through AA and a fellow SR member the concept of HALT. I concluded that anger is my trigger. When I saw some of these posts I have to admit, I was livid. But instead of drinking, I decided to write about what made me angry and confront the antagonizers head on.
So all in all I think what I have just experienced on this thread is incredibly unhealthy for me as I recover. For that reason, I have decided to delete my account and leave SR. I need support and this does not work for me. This is a decision for the best because I have started to become too reliant upon SR for support. It was a good starting point when I first started out and did not know where to turn, but now I am realizing that what works for one person may not work for another. It is somewhat of a shame however, because there are many wonderful people here including Dee74 for example.
I hope you all reach your ultimate goal someday. No one should have to suffer through alcoholism. I myself will continue attending AA meetings (every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning and every Wednesday night), attending church, reading the Big Book, and reading the Bible.
God bless you all.
P.S. It was never mentioned in this thread, but it is a reoccurring theme that I have seen throughout the forums. People resist AA because they reject the Christian overtones. Do not use that as an excuse for not attending meetings. The important part is the message. My groups always do the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings and that is pretty much the extent of the Christian overtones. If that makes you uncomfortable, then just hold hands but don’t recite the prayer. Get help and do not make excuses.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
On day 6 for me, I was still in hospital with a feeding tube in my nose. It wouldn't in a million years cross my mind to drink or even eat for that matter. You are lucky in that sense. Maybe you are thinking and analising/over-analising things too much. You wife seems to be supportive of you whatever. My husband wasn't/isn't ... he seems to think that now I can stand up straight, I am now back to 'normal' and continues to drink/get drunk in front of me. These are my particular daily struggles and hurdles. We are all different and have different views, surely you must realise that! If you choose to take them personally thats up to you. There are alot of people on this forum and if you put out a question, expect to get an answer whether you agree with it or not. I wish you luck in your continuing sobriety.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Corgidad, I'm sorry you felt misunderstood and I really hope you don't delete your account. This is a wonderful place to come for support and advice if you give it a chance.
I'm also sorry if I took your quote out of context, but if you think about it, what you said really applies to more than just your relationship with your wife. You said you were very nervous about relapsing and you want to figure out how to prevent that and stay sober. To me, that meant not just how you were going to cope when your wife wasn't around, but also how you're going to cope in other situations that may cause you to want to drink, i.e. going to establishments that serve alcohol, emotions that come up unexpectedly, bad days at work or with the kids, etc. Staying sober is multifaceted and requires a lot of self awareness, honesty with ourselves and others, coping tools, resourcefulness, and diligence. We have to look at the "big picture," not just the "snapshots." Not trying to be condescending here; just speaking from experience. You sound like you're well on your way, and I hope that continues.
As far as your perception of the other posters' comments, all I can say is that people here speak from their experience. We see people come here time and time again with "crazy ideas" like yours, and a few days later they're coming back feeling terrible because their "experiments" failed and they drank again, sometimes to extremes. Some have "gone back out" after many months of sobriety. In my case, it was getting a few days of sobriety under my belt, feeling great, getting cocky and overconfident and thinking I could have "just a couple" and be satisfied with that, or thinking I could be around alcohol and not be tempted to drink. This is my fourth time getting sober in a year, and I'll have 30 days next week. But the three times I started drinking again all happened for the same reason ... I had some sober time, I felt good, and I thought I was safe to test the waters. I totally underestimated how powerful my addiction really is. All three times ended up with me going on benders, each one worse than the one before it. The last one ended up with me in the hospital with a BAC of .29 and three days of detox. I shudder to think how bad off I would be if I went back out again. I'm not saying that you're like me, but this often is a pattern in early sobriety and we see it played out time and time again on this forum, so I hope you understand everyone's concerns.
It's often difficult to convey a message to someone with the written word because you're not hearing tone of voice or seeing a person's face, so I can understand how some of the posts here ruffled your feathers a bit. In the past, there have been a few that have had that effect on me too. But having been on this site for a couple of years now, I think I "get" the people here and I believe in my heart that they have the best of intentions, even when they seem harsh. Sometimes the truth can be hard to swallow and it can hurt no matter how gentle people try to be. When I get annoyed at something someone says, I try to check my motives and ask myself why I'm annoyed ... did they really mean to sound harsh or am I just being oversensitive? Are they seeing something in my posts that I'm not seeing myself? Is there any grain of truth in what they're saying? In AA, we say "take what you can use and leave the rest," and the same applies here. When people take the time to reply to a post, it's because they care and they want to help. I remind myself of that when I may not care for some of their answers. Sometimes the way things are said may not sit well with me, but if they have a point, I don't shoot the messenger.
Anyway, enough out of me. I really do hope you stick around and get to know these folks; there are some good souls here who really do have your best interests in mind. I'm happy you had an enjoyable evening with your wife, and I truly do wish you all the best in your sobriety. Take care.
I'm also sorry if I took your quote out of context, but if you think about it, what you said really applies to more than just your relationship with your wife. You said you were very nervous about relapsing and you want to figure out how to prevent that and stay sober. To me, that meant not just how you were going to cope when your wife wasn't around, but also how you're going to cope in other situations that may cause you to want to drink, i.e. going to establishments that serve alcohol, emotions that come up unexpectedly, bad days at work or with the kids, etc. Staying sober is multifaceted and requires a lot of self awareness, honesty with ourselves and others, coping tools, resourcefulness, and diligence. We have to look at the "big picture," not just the "snapshots." Not trying to be condescending here; just speaking from experience. You sound like you're well on your way, and I hope that continues.
As far as your perception of the other posters' comments, all I can say is that people here speak from their experience. We see people come here time and time again with "crazy ideas" like yours, and a few days later they're coming back feeling terrible because their "experiments" failed and they drank again, sometimes to extremes. Some have "gone back out" after many months of sobriety. In my case, it was getting a few days of sobriety under my belt, feeling great, getting cocky and overconfident and thinking I could have "just a couple" and be satisfied with that, or thinking I could be around alcohol and not be tempted to drink. This is my fourth time getting sober in a year, and I'll have 30 days next week. But the three times I started drinking again all happened for the same reason ... I had some sober time, I felt good, and I thought I was safe to test the waters. I totally underestimated how powerful my addiction really is. All three times ended up with me going on benders, each one worse than the one before it. The last one ended up with me in the hospital with a BAC of .29 and three days of detox. I shudder to think how bad off I would be if I went back out again. I'm not saying that you're like me, but this often is a pattern in early sobriety and we see it played out time and time again on this forum, so I hope you understand everyone's concerns.
It's often difficult to convey a message to someone with the written word because you're not hearing tone of voice or seeing a person's face, so I can understand how some of the posts here ruffled your feathers a bit. In the past, there have been a few that have had that effect on me too. But having been on this site for a couple of years now, I think I "get" the people here and I believe in my heart that they have the best of intentions, even when they seem harsh. Sometimes the truth can be hard to swallow and it can hurt no matter how gentle people try to be. When I get annoyed at something someone says, I try to check my motives and ask myself why I'm annoyed ... did they really mean to sound harsh or am I just being oversensitive? Are they seeing something in my posts that I'm not seeing myself? Is there any grain of truth in what they're saying? In AA, we say "take what you can use and leave the rest," and the same applies here. When people take the time to reply to a post, it's because they care and they want to help. I remind myself of that when I may not care for some of their answers. Sometimes the way things are said may not sit well with me, but if they have a point, I don't shoot the messenger.
Anyway, enough out of me. I really do hope you stick around and get to know these folks; there are some good souls here who really do have your best interests in mind. I'm happy you had an enjoyable evening with your wife, and I truly do wish you all the best in your sobriety. Take care.
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
There is a lot of sense here Corgi, and more importantly a lot of experience. People write from their experience, not to score points. We do live in an alcohol world, and have to learn to negotiate around it. I work above 2 bars, and had habit on slack days to sneak out of the office for a quick drink. I have to pass them every time I enter or leave the office. However, I dont deliberately test myself. I dont see the point because I either will succeed and not drink or fail. But if I succeed I may want to test myself until I fail
As I said, there are situations which you cant avoid. I dont know being in UK what these restaurants are like, I have been in restaurants in UK since stopping drinking, but never in a bar, dont see the point. There are other places to drink a non alcoholic drink /socialise which contain no threat
Leave if you feel bad enough about the replies, but they were given honestly. We would prefer you not to leave , because accumulated experience (not mine) suggests that you will find it harder to stay sober if you do stay.
Having looked at your posts, it is early to be going into a potential trigger situation
As I said, there are situations which you cant avoid. I dont know being in UK what these restaurants are like, I have been in restaurants in UK since stopping drinking, but never in a bar, dont see the point. There are other places to drink a non alcoholic drink /socialise which contain no threat
Leave if you feel bad enough about the replies, but they were given honestly. We would prefer you not to leave , because accumulated experience (not mine) suggests that you will find it harder to stay sober if you do stay.
Having looked at your posts, it is early to be going into a potential trigger situation
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Out west
Posts: 191
I'm glad you reported your night out had a good outcome. I much prefer reading people's stories of success, rather than their failures as I find successful stories inspiring. I like your analogy of an obese person in training, however, for me on day six that would have been analogous to the obese person trying out for the Olympics after six days of dieting. As a side note, I have a degree in electronics engineering, I was the only female in my graduating class.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by CorgiDad 
When I had initially written the post and started the thread, I honestly was not expecting many positive and supporting responses. I figured that I would receive some flak; instead I was bombarded with a torrent of surface-to-air missiles. I will speak my peace later on, but for now let me just summarize the recent series of events.
The theory that I had proposed was to gradually reintroduce myself to our society’s alcohol based culture, which would therefore decrease my probability of relapsing later on down the road. Face it, alcohol exists everywhere in society: billboards, television, sporting events, Chuck ‘E Cheese, etc. There are even convenient stores now that sell liquor. If I ignore the existence of this culture for numerous months then suddenly immerse myself back into it when I am “ready,” then would that not be infinitely times as dangerous as a gradual reintroduction as I had planned? Would not such a long period between my last drink and being “ready,” cause me to forget how to handle being around alcohol? I think of an alcoholic trying to get sober as an obese man training to run a marathon. Dieting is obvious but physical training is key as well. The obese man may have lost his body fat but without building his muscle, he is doomed to fail the marathon. In this analogy dieting is stopping drinking and physical training is practicing to fight the urges and to say no when offered. If I were to neglect my “physical training” then how would I handle going to a Hawkeye game or, even worse, a Brewers game after months of sobriety? I envision myself telling my wife that I need to use the restroom, and then making a beeline for the beer vendor. I know that many would say to call someone for support in that situation but it is my firm belief that this is my fight and it is up to me to muster up my own strength and my own courage to just say no and to simply drink a Diet Coke instead. I also believe that I need to maintain a connection with reality. If I become a shut in, moping around about how difficult it is to quit and how much I miss an inanimate liquid; then what would happen to the relationships that I treasure? I know I would not enjoy being married to that. Marriage, for example, is a partnership that requires sacrifice. My wife is sacrificing her being with her unconditional support through my recovery and I am sacrificing my being with maintaining my status as a husband and father even as I recover. If I were to focus on only my recovery and myself then I would become a selfish ***** and our relationship would suffer immensely and possibly even collapse. If she has had a rough day and needs a margarita, then so be it. I will get an iced tea and she can have a margarita. It is a sacrifice that I would be more than willing to make and in order to do so I must strengthen myself.
My plan was to go out to eat with my wife at a typical chain restaurant, not with drinking buddies at a pub. In this scenario I would be with someone whom I trust who would watch out for me in case anything were to go awry and I would be at a place where excessive drinking is not condoned. Although I did listen to many of your comments and I decided to discard the quantitative evaluation idea that I had in favor of just spending a relaxing evening with my wife. After she got off of work, she called me and I proposed the idea to her. She was on board, however with one alteration which was that we would go to Red Lobster instead because she thought lobster sounded good to her. I agreed and we left. There was a wait at the restaurant so we sat at a bench outside. A waiter came out and asked if he could get us anything from the bar. I responded with an aggressive, “No!” followed by a redeeming, polite, “No, thank you.” I was mostly caught off guard by this action as this restaurant behavior is quite bizarre as allowing customers to have drinks outside would be a violation of open container laws. Despite the fact that nearly everyone else waiting had a beer in his or her hand, I was for the most part unaffected and did not reminisce about alcohol. When we were seated, I ordered an iced tea and my wife ordered a glass of Riesling. I did feel a tad bit odd, but that was mostly due to the fact that I always ordered a drink when we went out to eat. Ordering a non-alcoholic beverage with dinner was something that was foreign to me. During dinner, we maintained a pleasant conversation about our days. I stated that today’s episode of Sid the Science Kid was excellent because one of the main messages was refuting the false notion that girls cannot be scientists due to their gender. It’s true; we need more females in science and engineering. As we ate cheddar biscuits and seafood, I had no urge to have some of her wine or ask her if I could just get a sip. That was it. We paid the bill and left for home. I worked on some homework for my Statistics class, my wife read the Hunger Games, and our son bounced around in his jumper. We did however reminisce about some of the fun times that we had while drinking. But then we agreed that we were parents now and that just will not fit into our lives. I think both of use grew up a little just then. We went to bed and woke up at 5AM so she could go to work and I could walk her out to her car. I realize that recovery is a roller coaster and last night may have just been a peak along that roller coaster. But my intention is to condition myself so that I can perform as well as I did last night even during the deepest of valleys along the roller coaster.
After today, it will have been one week since my last drink. Alcohol is not evil and it is not a poison. Whether it is genetics, how we are brought up, or just God’s plan; us alcoholics are allergic to alcohol. There is no test for alcoholism so we never realize that we are allergic to it until we have already built up an addiction. That is why it is so hard to stop.
Now if you would allow me to provide a rebuttal to some of your comments. After becoming sober I vowed to not let things slide instead of bottling my anger up which was a major contributor to my alcoholism in the first place. So describing the replies as negative would be a massive understatement. Many of them were ignorant, condescending, and insulting. I received the impression that many of the posters were hoping that I fail. For example, steelmagnolia stated, “......am just wondering how you will title your next post? Hope it's not....the devil made me do it!” I have a theory that many members resented my idea as watching me crash and burn would make themselves feel better about their own alcoholism. The speaker at last Tuesday’s AA meeting stated that alcoholics hate seeing people above them and will try to bring them down to their level just to make themselves feel better. If I were to succeed, then others would feel worse about themselves. I find it quite hypocritical that if someone relapses because they were celebrating being sober by getting drunk the support they get entails something along the line of “don’t worry it happens” while someone that inquiries about a possible method to help further their recovery receives insults and slaps on the wrist. If that is not the epitome of unhealthy, then I do not know what is. Sapling had stated that he/she had only been out of detox for a day at six days. I will counter that argument by saying that like every disease, alcoholism is different for everyone. My detox comprised an overnight hospital stay in which the main reason was because I had had multiple seizures. So I was being monitored for possible seizure activity. I also regained consciousness while in the ER to the image of my wife sobbing which is reason enough to never drink alcohol ever again. Whenever I see an alcoholic beverage, I picture that image. So basically, alcoholics have different patterns. I binged during the night. I did not drink during the day to maintain a constant buzz. Whatever helped you sapling, may not work for me. Desertsong, I know that your intentions were good but I still wanted to address your comment. You took my quote out of context. When I stated, "I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober" that was in reference to being home alone while my wife was at work. When I posted that, I was still under the impression that my wife was my crutch. Thankfully, Dee74 helped me to realize I cannot rely on my wife. It is unhealthy for both she and I. This is my problem and I have to be the one in control. Now the reason that quote does not apply here is because I would not be alone at the restaurant. My wife would be there to keep me in check. Sugarbear1, I find your statement, “straight edge people are vegetarian or vegan, are you adopting that, too? I don't think that place has vegetarian wings....” to be extremely condescending. Straight Edge is a rebel movement against a music scene that glamorized drinking, drugs, etc. Each person has their own interpretation of what being straight edge means to them. Your quote is basically the equivalent of saying that because Lutherans are allowed to eat meat on Fridays during lent if they choose they are not Christians because the Catholic Church forbids the eating of meat during lent. Not only is the logic of your post horrible flawed, it is highly inappropriate for a forum on alcohol recovery. Insulting the beliefs that someone relies upon to help recover is so unbelievably terrible that I cannot express them in words.
These qualms I have are not the result of me rejecting support during my recovery. I believe that many of these replies are trying to convince me to turn a blind eye to my demons and just hope that they do not return rather than actively face them and exorcise them from my being forever. I do have to say thank you however, to the antagonizers. I recently discovered through AA and a fellow SR member the concept of HALT. I concluded that anger is my trigger. When I saw some of these posts I have to admit, I was livid. But instead of drinking, I decided to write about what made me angry and confront the antagonizers head on.
So all in all I think what I have just experienced on this thread is incredibly unhealthy for me as I recover. For that reason, I have decided to delete my account and leave SR. I need support and this does not work for me. This is a decision for the best because I have started to become too reliant upon SR for support. It was a good starting point when I first started out and did not know where to turn, but now I am realizing that what works for one person may not work for another. It is somewhat of a shame however, because there are many wonderful people here including Dee74 for example.
I hope you all reach your ultimate goal someday. No one should have to suffer through alcoholism. I myself will continue attending AA meetings (every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning and every Wednesday night), attending church, reading the Big Book, and reading the Bible.
God bless you all.
P.S. It was never mentioned in this thread, but it is a reoccurring theme that I have seen throughout the forums. People resist AA because they reject the Christian overtones. Do not use that as an excuse for not attending meetings. The important part is the message. My groups always do the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings and that is pretty much the extent of the Christian overtones. If that makes you uncomfortable, then just hold hands but don’t recite the prayer. Get help and do not make excuses.
The theory that I had proposed was to gradually reintroduce myself to our society’s alcohol based culture, which would therefore decrease my probability of relapsing later on down the road. Face it, alcohol exists everywhere in society: billboards, television, sporting events, Chuck ‘E Cheese, etc. There are even convenient stores now that sell liquor. If I ignore the existence of this culture for numerous months then suddenly immerse myself back into it when I am “ready,” then would that not be infinitely times as dangerous as a gradual reintroduction as I had planned? Would not such a long period between my last drink and being “ready,” cause me to forget how to handle being around alcohol? I think of an alcoholic trying to get sober as an obese man training to run a marathon. Dieting is obvious but physical training is key as well. The obese man may have lost his body fat but without building his muscle, he is doomed to fail the marathon. In this analogy dieting is stopping drinking and physical training is practicing to fight the urges and to say no when offered. If I were to neglect my “physical training” then how would I handle going to a Hawkeye game or, even worse, a Brewers game after months of sobriety? I envision myself telling my wife that I need to use the restroom, and then making a beeline for the beer vendor. I know that many would say to call someone for support in that situation but it is my firm belief that this is my fight and it is up to me to muster up my own strength and my own courage to just say no and to simply drink a Diet Coke instead. I also believe that I need to maintain a connection with reality. If I become a shut in, moping around about how difficult it is to quit and how much I miss an inanimate liquid; then what would happen to the relationships that I treasure? I know I would not enjoy being married to that. Marriage, for example, is a partnership that requires sacrifice. My wife is sacrificing her being with her unconditional support through my recovery and I am sacrificing my being with maintaining my status as a husband and father even as I recover. If I were to focus on only my recovery and myself then I would become a selfish ***** and our relationship would suffer immensely and possibly even collapse. If she has had a rough day and needs a margarita, then so be it. I will get an iced tea and she can have a margarita. It is a sacrifice that I would be more than willing to make and in order to do so I must strengthen myself.
My plan was to go out to eat with my wife at a typical chain restaurant, not with drinking buddies at a pub. In this scenario I would be with someone whom I trust who would watch out for me in case anything were to go awry and I would be at a place where excessive drinking is not condoned. Although I did listen to many of your comments and I decided to discard the quantitative evaluation idea that I had in favor of just spending a relaxing evening with my wife. After she got off of work, she called me and I proposed the idea to her. She was on board, however with one alteration which was that we would go to Red Lobster instead because she thought lobster sounded good to her. I agreed and we left. There was a wait at the restaurant so we sat at a bench outside. A waiter came out and asked if he could get us anything from the bar. I responded with an aggressive, “No!” followed by a redeeming, polite, “No, thank you.” I was mostly caught off guard by this action as this restaurant behavior is quite bizarre as allowing customers to have drinks outside would be a violation of open container laws. Despite the fact that nearly everyone else waiting had a beer in his or her hand, I was for the most part unaffected and did not reminisce about alcohol. When we were seated, I ordered an iced tea and my wife ordered a glass of Riesling. I did feel a tad bit odd, but that was mostly due to the fact that I always ordered a drink when we went out to eat. Ordering a non-alcoholic beverage with dinner was something that was foreign to me. During dinner, we maintained a pleasant conversation about our days. I stated that today’s episode of Sid the Science Kid was excellent because one of the main messages was refuting the false notion that girls cannot be scientists due to their gender. It’s true; we need more females in science and engineering. As we ate cheddar biscuits and seafood, I had no urge to have some of her wine or ask her if I could just get a sip. That was it. We paid the bill and left for home. I worked on some homework for my Statistics class, my wife read the Hunger Games, and our son bounced around in his jumper. We did however reminisce about some of the fun times that we had while drinking. But then we agreed that we were parents now and that just will not fit into our lives. I think both of use grew up a little just then. We went to bed and woke up at 5AM so she could go to work and I could walk her out to her car. I realize that recovery is a roller coaster and last night may have just been a peak along that roller coaster. But my intention is to condition myself so that I can perform as well as I did last night even during the deepest of valleys along the roller coaster.
After today, it will have been one week since my last drink. Alcohol is not evil and it is not a poison. Whether it is genetics, how we are brought up, or just God’s plan; us alcoholics are allergic to alcohol. There is no test for alcoholism so we never realize that we are allergic to it until we have already built up an addiction. That is why it is so hard to stop.
Now if you would allow me to provide a rebuttal to some of your comments. After becoming sober I vowed to not let things slide instead of bottling my anger up which was a major contributor to my alcoholism in the first place. So describing the replies as negative would be a massive understatement. Many of them were ignorant, condescending, and insulting. I received the impression that many of the posters were hoping that I fail. For example, steelmagnolia stated, “......am just wondering how you will title your next post? Hope it's not....the devil made me do it!” I have a theory that many members resented my idea as watching me crash and burn would make themselves feel better about their own alcoholism. The speaker at last Tuesday’s AA meeting stated that alcoholics hate seeing people above them and will try to bring them down to their level just to make themselves feel better. If I were to succeed, then others would feel worse about themselves. I find it quite hypocritical that if someone relapses because they were celebrating being sober by getting drunk the support they get entails something along the line of “don’t worry it happens” while someone that inquiries about a possible method to help further their recovery receives insults and slaps on the wrist. If that is not the epitome of unhealthy, then I do not know what is. Sapling had stated that he/she had only been out of detox for a day at six days. I will counter that argument by saying that like every disease, alcoholism is different for everyone. My detox comprised an overnight hospital stay in which the main reason was because I had had multiple seizures. So I was being monitored for possible seizure activity. I also regained consciousness while in the ER to the image of my wife sobbing which is reason enough to never drink alcohol ever again. Whenever I see an alcoholic beverage, I picture that image. So basically, alcoholics have different patterns. I binged during the night. I did not drink during the day to maintain a constant buzz. Whatever helped you sapling, may not work for me. Desertsong, I know that your intentions were good but I still wanted to address your comment. You took my quote out of context. When I stated, "I am extremely nervous about relapsing so I need some help to figure out how I can prevent that and stay sober" that was in reference to being home alone while my wife was at work. When I posted that, I was still under the impression that my wife was my crutch. Thankfully, Dee74 helped me to realize I cannot rely on my wife. It is unhealthy for both she and I. This is my problem and I have to be the one in control. Now the reason that quote does not apply here is because I would not be alone at the restaurant. My wife would be there to keep me in check. Sugarbear1, I find your statement, “straight edge people are vegetarian or vegan, are you adopting that, too? I don't think that place has vegetarian wings....” to be extremely condescending. Straight Edge is a rebel movement against a music scene that glamorized drinking, drugs, etc. Each person has their own interpretation of what being straight edge means to them. Your quote is basically the equivalent of saying that because Lutherans are allowed to eat meat on Fridays during lent if they choose they are not Christians because the Catholic Church forbids the eating of meat during lent. Not only is the logic of your post horrible flawed, it is highly inappropriate for a forum on alcohol recovery. Insulting the beliefs that someone relies upon to help recover is so unbelievably terrible that I cannot express them in words.
These qualms I have are not the result of me rejecting support during my recovery. I believe that many of these replies are trying to convince me to turn a blind eye to my demons and just hope that they do not return rather than actively face them and exorcise them from my being forever. I do have to say thank you however, to the antagonizers. I recently discovered through AA and a fellow SR member the concept of HALT. I concluded that anger is my trigger. When I saw some of these posts I have to admit, I was livid. But instead of drinking, I decided to write about what made me angry and confront the antagonizers head on.
So all in all I think what I have just experienced on this thread is incredibly unhealthy for me as I recover. For that reason, I have decided to delete my account and leave SR. I need support and this does not work for me. This is a decision for the best because I have started to become too reliant upon SR for support. It was a good starting point when I first started out and did not know where to turn, but now I am realizing that what works for one person may not work for another. It is somewhat of a shame however, because there are many wonderful people here including Dee74 for example.
I hope you all reach your ultimate goal someday. No one should have to suffer through alcoholism. I myself will continue attending AA meetings (every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning and every Wednesday night), attending church, reading the Big Book, and reading the Bible.
God bless you all.
P.S. It was never mentioned in this thread, but it is a reoccurring theme that I have seen throughout the forums. People resist AA because they reject the Christian overtones. Do not use that as an excuse for not attending meetings. The important part is the message. My groups always do the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings and that is pretty much the extent of the Christian overtones. If that makes you uncomfortable, then just hold hands but don’t recite the prayer. Get help and do not make excuses.
I deleted my account once when I thought someone was being rude and insensitive. I realized a bit later that people were only trying to help and the emotions of being newly sober were still very raw. I hope you do not delete your account. There are some really amazing people here that are ALWAYS willing to give encouragement and honesty. I would even go so far as to say this site is a life saver. I'm glad I came back. Please rethink your decision. We need all the support we can get right now.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
You wrote:
"I've made a lot of lifestyle changes (I've finally accepted God into my life and have adopted the straight edge ideology)."
I clicked the link and read it. You DIDN'T say you were working on a modified version of straight edge ideology. I went with what you said and what I read, no more, no less. Maybe you need to be more specific when you tell people something to avoid future resentments~
Glad you are attending AA.
The solution is in working the steps!
"I've made a lot of lifestyle changes (I've finally accepted God into my life and have adopted the straight edge ideology)."
I clicked the link and read it. You DIDN'T say you were working on a modified version of straight edge ideology. I went with what you said and what I read, no more, no less. Maybe you need to be more specific when you tell people something to avoid future resentments~
Glad you are attending AA.
The solution is in working the steps! Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Truckee, CA
Posts: 30
Hey Corgidad,
I hope you don't leave for one. I've learned a lot from you.
And with most people and situations--TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST. You said you were livid and anger is your trigger. If you need to get off SR for awhile to cool down, but come back--pleez. People are always going to **** us off (even in AA), but hopefully just one person says the right thing.
StraightEdge seems cool. I am a boomer/Xer on the cusp--yeah raised on Peace and Love in the 70's, What the #$%!? --Take This! in the 80's.
But this thread brings up a good point about "testing". I am on day one, and freaked out half the time about how I'm going to deal with all those triggers that are around every corner: Evenings, supermarket liquor section, driving into town, after the dog walk, etc... the list could go onto eternity. Maybe that's why those 30,60,90,300 day rehabs give people who are serious a break from all that--I personally could use that,but can't afford $$rehab.
Your right, the alcohol lifestyle is everywhere--especially for those of us who are in tuned to it for more than a few years. What day do we go out and about? I think the answer is very individualistic. For me it would depend on mood, but then again, if the beast had a tantrum the next aisle over from the beer section--arggh! I hate to think. I'm not sitting on any "pink cloud" right now--wouldn't mind it from time to time though.
I hope you don't leave for one. I've learned a lot from you.
And with most people and situations--TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST. You said you were livid and anger is your trigger. If you need to get off SR for awhile to cool down, but come back--pleez. People are always going to **** us off (even in AA), but hopefully just one person says the right thing.
StraightEdge seems cool. I am a boomer/Xer on the cusp--yeah raised on Peace and Love in the 70's, What the #$%!? --Take This! in the 80's.
But this thread brings up a good point about "testing". I am on day one, and freaked out half the time about how I'm going to deal with all those triggers that are around every corner: Evenings, supermarket liquor section, driving into town, after the dog walk, etc... the list could go onto eternity. Maybe that's why those 30,60,90,300 day rehabs give people who are serious a break from all that--I personally could use that,but can't afford $$rehab.
Your right, the alcohol lifestyle is everywhere--especially for those of us who are in tuned to it for more than a few years. What day do we go out and about? I think the answer is very individualistic. For me it would depend on mood, but then again, if the beast had a tantrum the next aisle over from the beer section--arggh! I hate to think. I'm not sitting on any "pink cloud" right now--wouldn't mind it from time to time though.
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