willynilly

Hi, all. This is my first post and I'm not sure how to begin. Or even what I mean to say. Simply put, it's "here we go again" and I'm none too pleased behind it. Two weeks ago I was on cloud nine after a record 30 days of sobriety. I felt happy and fit. Running every morning, eating well, taking my vitamins. Optimistic about the future. I felt so good, in fact, that I thought I'd just "celebrate" with a six-pack. Just me kicking back alone with a good book and a few beers. The first beer was amazing; the second, even more so. After the sixth and last beer I realized I was just getting started. So out to the store for another sixer. And it all went down hill from there. A twelve-pack the next night, and then a case over the weekend. And then another. Nearly two weeks have passed and I'm just now resurfacing. My life is a shambles - again. I'm so tired of this cycle of ups and downs, and it just seems to be getting progressively worse. I'm so tired of having to start over once again with the fear of an eventual relapse hanging over my head. This is getting old. Something has to change, and I hope that actively participating in these forums will help. Thanks for letting me share. (And sorry for sounding so whiny.)

desertsong

Willy, I'm sorry to hear that you relapsed, but if it is of any comfort to you, your post really helped me a lot. It is comforting to know that others think the way I do and that I'm not alone. Your post will help to keep me sober today.

Coming here is a great start. Face to face support and a program to work will also help. What did you do to keep yourself sober for 30 days? Can you do that again, minus the "30 day celebration?"

Welcome.

langkah

Great you're still trying. Maybe run further and take more vitamins?

I got tired of periodically sobering up and eventually went the living spiritually route, which has worked out well.

Have you tried hypnosis therapy? Some alcoholics experience short term relief from that.

2granddaughters

willy, are you attending AA meetings in Seattle ??

I couldn't stay sober without AA for any length of time.

All the best.

Bob R

bskeys1404

Do you go to meetings or anything? You have to do something toward your recovery daily or your always gonna be headed down that road and trust me it does get worse and worse. I just had another friend die from drugs last Thursday. That now makes 12 of my friends that i grew up with or went to school with dead. If celebrating sobriety with a six pack sounds like a good idea then your headed for some big time trouble. I went from a Public Intoxication thinking no big deal just a screw up. To eventually being arrested for something involving drugs or drinking 18 times. I died once for 3 minutes. Have you thought about treatment at all or at least a meeting. Just from your story there you obviously have a problem.Give yourself a chance!! Your worth it!! You'll see that not ALL people that are recovered from drugs and alcohol are that bad. I've had the best years of my life sober. When I thought I could never enjoy life whatsoever sober. sober.You can do IT!!!!

losteverything

Keep trying, willy...those sober days aren't lost, and your drunken days could be a learning experience. The only Failure is when we quit trying..

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

You did it before, you can do it again! Keep strong and stay stopped!

foodie1

Hey Willy, I hope it gets better for you. AA has helped me, do you work a program?

willynilly

Thanks for your response, DesertSong. I appreciate it.

To answer your question, I was able to stay sober for 30 days by telling myself that even a single beer was simply out of the question. Not sure what made me think I could let down my guard ...

bskeys1404

I'm with 2granddaughters. AA was the only way i could stay sober any amount of time. AA isn't about stopping drinking . It's a self discovery process. You find out what makes you do the things you do. Take away the beer guess what ? The problems still there. Beer wasn't my problem I was the problem. I loved it when i finally had someone sit with me and help me understand what AA was all about. Cause I had it all wrong. I learned how to find peace of mind. How to quit being so angry. God I wanted to fight all the time and resented everybody and everything and had no idea why. I'm so grateful for all the things AA has done for me to help me understand who I am. When i first went into the rooms I thought I knew everything when all I really knew about myself was my name.

bryangt

all goes back to staying away from that first drink. i go to AA meetings because I don't want to drink--and that helps me. the temptation will often be there...when it is make a phone call or get to a meeting. it's work, but it works.

willynilly

Thanks to you all for your helpful posts and words of encouragement. Much appreciated.

I know I need to give AA another try, and I will.

And @ bskeys1404 - I'm sorry about the loss of your friends. Happy, though, for your recovery. You are right, I definitely do have a problem and it's getting progressively worse. I'm reminded of a line by Yeats (I think) ... "things fall apart, the center cannot hold" - definitely the path I seem to be heading down.

akberry

I am a newby too, and I share your thoughts. I decided to drink last night. I am so ashamed of myself. I had been sober since 12/14/11. I have read as much as I can about alcoholism on the internet. I love being sober. It feels great! I just don't know what happened or why. Today is my new start date.

IndaMiricale

Thanks for the reminder of Step 1 which I have to realize every day.

Well your not truly starting all over you have 30 days. Do it again and add to your program.

I have done the same thing as many of us have, but you came back. Routing for ya !!!!

2granddaughters

akberry, are you going to AA meetings ?

Bob R

Emily2002

I'm back again, too, willynilly. There's nothing wrong with starting over as I've been reminded so often. We just have to keep working towards the ultimate goal.

Hang in there and don't allow things to fall apart. (Love Yeats, btw)

Day 1 for me too.

CaiHong

Welcome WillyNilly,

it is so ironic, you feel great so you celebrate with the poison that made you feel bad and you now have the bull by the horns, you are in control. The booze is in Control again.

I can relate to that.
I have spent weeks at spas and healing centers only to find that my problem was that I am an alcoholic.
I am now 10 months sober and my focus now is on my spiritual life because this is what is going to keep me sober.

All the best
CaiHong

instant

Willy. welcome to the club. With every step we learn. I am now over 10 months sober- in the past I have had a few weeks here and there, up to 6 weeks once, and six months once. Going back when you feel good, bored (eg with your exercise regime) or stressed is a big risk. I have gone down those roads.

This time I read the Big Book (free online), listened to a few AA speakers tapes (free online), joined here and come everyday and did the short course on the Rational Recovery Website (free- Jack has done the world a service).

Getting over the idea that we need to augment or turn off from reality and that sobriety is in some ways to the 'endured' are big hurdles. I didn't succeed previous times as I had not made that change. I needed a big transformation in the way I think about things, I am fortunate in that it has happened for me and I do think of it as spiritual.

zorah

i find it's better not to say i've gone "back again." recovery is full of slips and falls. the point is to get up again and recommit yourself to YOURSELF. this is for you, not for some recovery god in the sky. i try not to think of "starting over" because it just gives me more reason to beat myself up and i'm not starting over if i'm committed to moving forward. we all have good stuff inside us and part of recovery is discovering our hidden strengths so we can build new lives.
hope you find peace. Zorah

Hevyn

Welcome to the family Willy. The way you describe what happened - I did it too, many times. Felt better & figured I had it made, could use willpower to just have 'a few'. Only there is no 'few' for us. There's only too many. We go back into the hole in record time with each relapse it seems.

I had to give up the idea that I could control the amounts I drank. It took me decades to finally get it. I can't touch the stuff, or unpredictable things will happen. You were feeling good - you will again. This time stay the course - you never have to relapse again. We know you can do it, willy!