hardy

So I'm freaking out a little. I have been suicidal and know that I am getting to the point where I won't be able to act on my thoughts. I'm okay enough now but if I don't reach out and accept help, then sooner rather than later I'll hurt myself. I know this because I have attempted suicide before and recognize when my depression is in control.
I called my local crisis center a few weeks ago and the lady kept me going a few nights since. She also had a substance abuse counselor call me. I tried stopping meth on my own last week and no surprise, I failed. I didn't even bother trying to stop the Vicodin. I've been in contact with her through email yesterday and just hung up the phone with her. I couldn't convince her I was fine so at least I know she isn't an idiot. Here is my problem : She wants me to go into the crisis center tomorrow and talk with her. She really wants to help and I want someone to help me but I am afraid if I go then I'll be kept there. She knows I'm suicidal and I'm afraid she will have me put on 72 hour hold. I told her I am able to not act on my thoughts but still I'm afraid. I don't need the hospital. When I was in hospital last time I had tried killing myself and it was awful experience. I am better knowing I won't be forced into anything because if they hospitalize me I immediately start shutting off my problems and acting fine so I can get out. I need help but I am still okay enough to keep my job.and live my life. The only way I'm willing to get help is if I can do it without anyone in my life knowing. I promise that my family is not supportive and them knowing will sabotage everything I'm trying to do. So am I just being paranoid and just should go in and talk to her or am I putting my freedom in jeopardy? Also if she knows I'm using and I drive there, can she even allow me to drive away after we talk? Sorry this sounds so dumb but I am really unsure what to do.

Anna

I don't know what authority the substance abuse counsellor would have. If you are unsure about her, how about going to your own dr or to an ER for help? It sounds like you know you need to reach out in order to take care of yourself. Please let us know how you're doing.

daysfree3

Hello...first let me start by saying that I understand completely how it feels to be alone...no one has ever known about my addiction...that keeps us in a very lonely and sad place. I am on my 3rd day without pills...and I won't lie to you...it SUCKS...withdrawal is probably the hardest thing I've ever been through but it was this or death...so many health problems from this addiction...I go to work everyday, I put on a happy face and the whole time...I'm thinking about pills...am I gonna have enough...of course not...where am I gonna get them...where am I gonna get the money and still be able to pay my bills...am I gonna be sick at work...this roller coaster had to stop and I made the decision to stop 3 days ago and although it's so hard I know it's what I have to do...please talk to me, email me, whatever you need...life is precious and suicide is NOT the answer...if I can help in anyway PLEASE let me!!!!

Dee74

Hi Hardy

I agree with Anna - I don't believe a counsellor would have the power to involuntarily commit you - why not go in and talk a little - they may be able to help

D

Eliasson

Hi. I really don't have any answers but I'm so sorry you are going thru this and I hope you let someone help you. You are not alone-you don't have to do this alone. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. Please keep us posted on what you end up doing tomorrow and how you are feeling. My best to you.

hardy

Well the place she works is the county mental health building. Its also where people in this county are taken when they attempt suicide. They keep people a few hours up to a few days. Basically people are taken here rather than to a emergency room. She is part of the crisis response unit that goes out with police to decide if a person is danger to themselves.

Dee74

None can force you to do something you don't want to do Hardy - but these are your words y'know?

If the counsellor is too scary why not see your Dr?

D

sugarbear1

You called for help, she offers help, now you don't want that particular help. She will do what the law tells her to do.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, but you can stop and you can start to feel different, even better, after you stop. Please do what is suggested by the mental health professionals. Get someone to drive you there and stay for a few days so you stop feeling so bad. Do what you are told. You can stop that meth, too. Hugs. I feel so sad knowing you are so sad.

Can you call and talk to someone at NA? Meeting Schedules

Someone from NA might be able to help get you to that appointment so you can talk.

Love & hugs,

hardy

I don't currently have a doctor that's why m not on my antidepressants. She is best person to help me because she can help me get sober where I can afford to do it. I think its just that I don't want to go into the building. Maybe she will meet me somewhere different?Oh and they can make u do what I don't want to. I was hospitalized once just for cutting. I had thoughts of suicide but cutting wasn't an attempt. I was taken by campus police to hospital. The campus police happened to come to my dorm to try and convince me to press charges against guy who raped me. I didn't know they were coming and tried hiding my cuts but the blood started pooling. Anyway they took me to hospital and I told the doc I wasn't trying to killed myself. They didn't believe me so I was transferred to mental hospital against my will and forced to take meds. I really wasn't in danger but it didn't matter. Granted I did try to kill myself for real not long after that but I don't trust that I won't be hospitalized involuntarily. I live in different state now but still am afraid of ever going to a hospital.

sugarbear1

search: free or sliding scale mental health bakersfield CA

See if you can get some counseling and medication. Or call that woman back and talk to her more on the phone.

Love,

2granddaughters

hardy, go to the lady and surrender. Please let them help you.

I was suicidal when I went to the recovery home in '89. I thought all was lost. It wasn't... it was just the beginning. You have to surrender. You will be OK.

Go see the lady ......

awuh1

I think I understand, at least in part. Depressed people tend to feel more depressed when they feel they have lost control. So …..going to the evaluation, and being put on a hold would make you feel more depressed, via lack of control over what happens next. I think the way to think about this is to ALLOW yourself to be hospitalized if they choose to do it. By going in for the evaluation, you, in a sense, give your permission for them to do whatever is necessary. You leave it up to them. But, you have given them the control.

Next you should be honest about how you feel when you’re there (both for the evaluation and/or inpatient). In my opinion, you need to detox and stabilize on the anti-depressants. If you are gaming them (not being honest) who are you hurting?

In short, be honest, give up control ….. and you have a good chance of getting it back in a more permanent and meaningful way than you have right now.

12skiptomylue

Hardy, - Please hear me. I KNOW what I am talking about in this area.

First off, the person you were talking to sounds like she really wants to help.

Second, Ideally, the counselors want to keep you OUT of the hospital. They don't get anything from hospitalizing someone, and will only do it if you are in IMMEDIATE danger.

Most likely what will happen is that she will form a crisis plan with you. Who are your supports, what can you do when you feel really bad, etc. Also though, the drug/alcohol use needs to be evaluated also.

Bottom line: if you are not in immediate danger, they will not hold you. They had to hold you last time because you were bleeding so much that it created "a pool of blood". While it's true that you were not trying to kill yourself, if blood was pooling, you were in danger.

Please, please accept the help of this person. It sounds like she really does want to help you. And it sounds like you want her help. You are just scared, which is totally okay. Try and go to that deeper place that says "I'm desperate, and I really need help". It might not be as scary as you think.

Dee74

if you enter your local area here you should find the closest free or low cost medical clinics Hardy

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics



D

artsoul

I'm really proud of you for making that call, hardy.....:ghug3 I know there's a million things going through your head (probably all of them negative at this point), but sometimes we just have to go with the next right step and not assume that the future will be what we fear.

When you go to see the counselor, tell her about your experience with the hospital. She may have something totally different in mind that will be just the thing to help you.

wpainterw

Hardy: I agree with this. And would like to add that what we're talking about here is your survival. I believe that you want to survive, want to live since otherwise you would not be sharing all this with us on SR. So why not make survival your first priority and reach out to those who want to help you get that? All the rest, like your job, what your folks think or know, etc. etc. pales in comparison. Survival is number one. Getting into some kind of stable long term recovery is the next thing. And the two go together. Focus on that and don't fall for the tricks your mind might try to play on you to divert your attention from what's really important. Find people you trust and if necessary surrender control to them for awhile. There's a way out of this. Take it!

W.