Having a Hard Time Dealing
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Having a Hard Time Dealing
I will have 2 months sober on Thursday. I havent had many big urges to drink (knock on wood), but the emotional highs and very low-lows are kicking my butt lately. Even keel is a foreign concept to me. So Im just having a hard time dealing with it all when real life comes calling lately.
I havent worked a real job since forever. I have very minimal costs and am lucky enough to have a relative who lets me live in their basement, currently rent free. Because I have a years long gap in my resume, not many skills & didnt finish college...getting a job kinda scares the cr-p out of me. As in I have no idea how to do it, where to go, or really any clue what I want to do.
My sleep is bad enough that even when offered a chance to interview for a job, by a AA buddy, I got tongue tied and could only think...well, I usually cant even fall sleep till 7am, so how am I gonna be awake and ready to work at 730am (when the job starts)? My buddy kinda blindsided me with the offer, and I froze and could only think that...well I dont know what. Because of that he understandably said, "well nevermind". Now I dont want you to think he was being anything but helpful. Its pretty obvious, as Ive been talking/sharing that my self-worth is down near zero & a job would only improve that...he was trying to help by saying that they are hiring for a position, that I could do, right NOW at where he works. And I froze...all I could think is about the sleep thing...I know he was trying to be helpful, but that really messed my head up. I wanted to call him right after we went separate ways last night and say, yes I will do it. But I couldnt wrap my mind around the sleep thing.
When I got home, the relative I live with (who is an alcoholic) was stumbling around very drunk and decided it was time to lecture me about the costs I am totaling up "always running about town". (as I go to AA meetings). Many of you are prob familiar with some things I have gone through recently with this relative, if not read this...really not fun stuff:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ative-sos.html
In all fairness, this relative has a point in that they pay the gas card bill & when I was drinking I only drove to 7-11 and back like every other day. Literally less than 4300 miles per year. Now I go to meetings everyday, 2 on Saturday & 2 on Sunday. Some of these are 35+ mile roundtrips. So the gas bill has gone up substantially. I see their point. But to belittle what I am trying to do here (they know the whole story) by saying Im just running around town...that really pissed me off. My relatives point was that I needed to get a job. Mind you, this came immediately after the mind f-ck my AA buddy gave me over the job I could do, but may not be ready for.
To top it off...Ive written many times here I am very overweight, and I previously did not own a scale. I used to eat everything in sight when I was drunk, and got so big that when the doctor tried to weigh me the scale didnt go high enough (so I was over 350lb). Since I got sober Ive been working hard last 2 months, 2mile walk each day...eating much better...and of course not ingesting 2000+ calories of beer each night anymore. I got the scale so I could monitor my progress. But weighing myself for first time in 10 years was a shock & kindve depressing.
And oh yeah, had dinner with an old friend and somehow (his choice) we ended sitting in the bar section...first time in a bar since I got sober...kindve knocked me through a loop, but I dealt with it and was relatively fine.
I know if I got a job it would probably solve a lot of these issues...but again, kinda clueless & Ill say it...Scared, when it comes to tackling that hurdle.
I havent worked a real job since forever. I have very minimal costs and am lucky enough to have a relative who lets me live in their basement, currently rent free. Because I have a years long gap in my resume, not many skills & didnt finish college...getting a job kinda scares the cr-p out of me. As in I have no idea how to do it, where to go, or really any clue what I want to do.
My sleep is bad enough that even when offered a chance to interview for a job, by a AA buddy, I got tongue tied and could only think...well, I usually cant even fall sleep till 7am, so how am I gonna be awake and ready to work at 730am (when the job starts)? My buddy kinda blindsided me with the offer, and I froze and could only think that...well I dont know what. Because of that he understandably said, "well nevermind". Now I dont want you to think he was being anything but helpful. Its pretty obvious, as Ive been talking/sharing that my self-worth is down near zero & a job would only improve that...he was trying to help by saying that they are hiring for a position, that I could do, right NOW at where he works. And I froze...all I could think is about the sleep thing...I know he was trying to be helpful, but that really messed my head up. I wanted to call him right after we went separate ways last night and say, yes I will do it. But I couldnt wrap my mind around the sleep thing.
When I got home, the relative I live with (who is an alcoholic) was stumbling around very drunk and decided it was time to lecture me about the costs I am totaling up "always running about town". (as I go to AA meetings). Many of you are prob familiar with some things I have gone through recently with this relative, if not read this...really not fun stuff:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ative-sos.html
In all fairness, this relative has a point in that they pay the gas card bill & when I was drinking I only drove to 7-11 and back like every other day. Literally less than 4300 miles per year. Now I go to meetings everyday, 2 on Saturday & 2 on Sunday. Some of these are 35+ mile roundtrips. So the gas bill has gone up substantially. I see their point. But to belittle what I am trying to do here (they know the whole story) by saying Im just running around town...that really pissed me off. My relatives point was that I needed to get a job. Mind you, this came immediately after the mind f-ck my AA buddy gave me over the job I could do, but may not be ready for.
To top it off...Ive written many times here I am very overweight, and I previously did not own a scale. I used to eat everything in sight when I was drunk, and got so big that when the doctor tried to weigh me the scale didnt go high enough (so I was over 350lb). Since I got sober Ive been working hard last 2 months, 2mile walk each day...eating much better...and of course not ingesting 2000+ calories of beer each night anymore. I got the scale so I could monitor my progress. But weighing myself for first time in 10 years was a shock & kindve depressing.
And oh yeah, had dinner with an old friend and somehow (his choice) we ended sitting in the bar section...first time in a bar since I got sober...kindve knocked me through a loop, but I dealt with it and was relatively fine.
I know if I got a job it would probably solve a lot of these issues...but again, kinda clueless & Ill say it...Scared, when it comes to tackling that hurdle.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Have you seen a Dr about your insomnia Shane? That might be a good first step...if you find yourself more rested you might find your anxiety lessens too and you'll be more open to those job offers when they come by again 
Do you see a counsellor about anxiety too? I'm sorry but I forget - long day
It's a long process sometimes when we've dug ourselves a deep hole for years - it took me most of my first year to sort out all the issues I had - not saying it will take you that long - just that we need to be patient and diligent, y'know?
Have you thought of volunteering? It was a great way for me to get used to people again, to have something to get up for and something to go to, and something to feel purposeful about...and it'd be a great practice run for a job too.
Can you maybe slip your relative a few extra bills for the extra gas? That way you'll feel better and he might feel a little more mollified too
I think you're doing great Shane - don't forget where you were just 61 days ago
keep up the pace, but don't get down on yourself
D
Do you see a counsellor about anxiety too? I'm sorry but I forget - long day
It's a long process sometimes when we've dug ourselves a deep hole for years - it took me most of my first year to sort out all the issues I had - not saying it will take you that long - just that we need to be patient and diligent, y'know?
Have you thought of volunteering? It was a great way for me to get used to people again, to have something to get up for and something to go to, and something to feel purposeful about...and it'd be a great practice run for a job too.
Can you maybe slip your relative a few extra bills for the extra gas? That way you'll feel better and he might feel a little more mollified too
I think you're doing great Shane - don't forget where you were just 61 days ago
keep up the pace, but don't get down on yourself
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Thx Dee.
I have seen a doctor about the insomnia, it is a running concern that I am slowly getting better with. At first I flat out could not sleep at all..physically impossible it seemed...on day 3 of no sleep doc Rx me ambien. For first 1.5months I couldnt sleep without ambien. Always the minimum dose, but I finally got into a routine of day sleep and eventually ditched the ambien. I sleep naturally, and its great...but Im just stuck on this day sleep schedule. I try nearly every night (sometimes I just accept it and do stuff till time I usually fall asleep) to fall asleep around 130am. Like really tired, lights out, all set up to sleep and it just doesnt happen. I read until around 5am then usually eventually fall asleep. I cannot afford it ($1100) so still have not been tested for sleep apnea, although all signs point to me having it. I am sure that is a contributing factor to my insomnia.
I have not seen a counselor. I probably should. My health insurance is limited, so I think I get only 5 visits before I have to start paying full price per visit. Or are counselors cheaper per visit than psychiatrists?
I have recently offered to mulch/weed the front garden to mollify my relative over gas costs. Although, they usually think of all the stuff I do (I do 90% of the work required for our house maintenance) as things I should be doing, so no thanks needed or given.
Volunteering is a good idea. I will look into it. It reminds me of some volunteer work I did waaay back (aka community service) that I really-really enjoyed (Maintenance at a local park). I am going to see if they have any openings.
I have seen a doctor about the insomnia, it is a running concern that I am slowly getting better with. At first I flat out could not sleep at all..physically impossible it seemed...on day 3 of no sleep doc Rx me ambien. For first 1.5months I couldnt sleep without ambien. Always the minimum dose, but I finally got into a routine of day sleep and eventually ditched the ambien. I sleep naturally, and its great...but Im just stuck on this day sleep schedule. I try nearly every night (sometimes I just accept it and do stuff till time I usually fall asleep) to fall asleep around 130am. Like really tired, lights out, all set up to sleep and it just doesnt happen. I read until around 5am then usually eventually fall asleep. I cannot afford it ($1100) so still have not been tested for sleep apnea, although all signs point to me having it. I am sure that is a contributing factor to my insomnia.
I have not seen a counselor. I probably should. My health insurance is limited, so I think I get only 5 visits before I have to start paying full price per visit. Or are counselors cheaper per visit than psychiatrists?
I have recently offered to mulch/weed the front garden to mollify my relative over gas costs. Although, they usually think of all the stuff I do (I do 90% of the work required for our house maintenance) as things I should be doing, so no thanks needed or given.
Volunteering is a good idea. I will look into it. It reminds me of some volunteer work I did waaay back (aka community service) that I really-really enjoyed (Maintenance at a local park). I am going to see if they have any openings.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm not American so I've really no idea about access or cost of counsellors there Shane - this website can be a pretty good gateway to all kinds of medical and other services tho....if in doubt select your state or local area and ring the local number
2-1-1 Call Center Search
your Dr may know too, or your local community health office or whatever it is?
D
2-1-1 Call Center Search
your Dr may know too, or your local community health office or whatever it is?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by ShaneW 
I havent had many big urges to drink (knock on wood), but the emotional highs and very low-lows are kicking my butt lately. Even keel is a foreign concept to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
Aside from the great advice about professional help addressing the insomnia and counceling....have you thought about working nights? This may sound silly but with a little training (or none) you could snag a night shift job.....worked for me when i had insomnia and couldnt do without the $. I wish you the best and congrats on taking good care of yourself physically now.
Also- it takes awhile to reach what we call "emotional sobriety". Hang in there ODAT and you will get it!
Also- it takes awhile to reach what we call "emotional sobriety". Hang in there ODAT and you will get it!
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