MycoolFitz

If you're referring to my being welcomed back I certainly don't see it as celebrating anything. Old and new friends supporting and welcoming is part of what makes SR, SR. I like to know I have a place to go when I need it and even when I don't. I like to welcome people back and support them as well. It has nothing to do with celebration, I'd prefer they not relapse same as they do. I'd prefered not to relapse also but I did. I guess to me many of us not only share a similar story, we share a common heart.

meyer

I don't agree with a welcome back party for the ones that relapses. I do offer a welcome back hug and
A few words to let them know i've been there and it's ok to fail, the important part
Is they are trying again . There no use telling them what most of them already know. They
Came back for help and that should be the only thing that matters.

DoinThis

I really doubt anyone would not drink if they were about to relapse if they thought peeps on SR would tell them off! Especially when the thoughts of our husbands, wives and kids don't even matter at that point. I like reading people's experiences on how they eventually succeeded and I love that people have real empathy because they have been there, done that. I wouldn't read here if peeps were gonna tell me off.

ReadyAndAble

Come on now, you totally are. This whole thread is one giant finger (though a gesture other than pointing most comes to mind.) What's up with that, 6palms? Resentment is addiction's greatest ally.

instant

We all learn from sharing with each other. For me to learn from you, you need to be here, everyone is welcome.

The site being what it is we can lose track of people and not know what happened. It is good to see people come back and have the courage to fess up and try again. My history is replete with failed attempts but here I am at over 10 months, in no small part due to the support here at SR.

Sapling

We have a saying in AA...And it's true...We don't shoot our wounded...I see people come back all the time....I treat them like I'd want to be treated.

Anna

6palms, if there is ANYTHING I have learned since I joined SR, it is to NOT judge people. And, that includes not judging people who have relapses. And, it's not up to me to judge whether or not it's unhealthy for them or the best thing for them to be doing.

This is the Newcomers forum and we will continue to welcome anyone who comes through our door. We will continue to support anyone who comes through our door for any reason. That's what we do here.

Jomey

Better than reading their obituary.

For me, if there is any "celebrating" going on, it is that they made it back at all, and are willing to try again. That's my message when someone comes back after a relapse.

Zebra1275

6palms,

It sounds like you are more concerned with the behavior of others, rather then your own. Are you in a program of recovery, like AA, that will help you develop the tools that you need to stay sober? I think that should be your focus.

At 6 days sober, you are not yet a wise sage whose wisdom through reflection and experience serves to guide others. God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth and one thing I try to do in my recovery is use them in that proportion.

I hope you don't, but at 6 days sober there's a pretty good chance you will relapse. If you do, come back here and this community will welcome you and share their collective experience, strength and hope so that sobriety will become permanent. There is a saying in AA that "we don't shoot our wounded."

flutter

When I welcome people back, it's just that.. glad they are back here, not glad for their drinking/using again. If they made it back here, there's still a recovery connection and I see that as a good thing.

sugarbear1

I don't like wearing black.

Letting someone know they mean something to another is out of love. Rarely do we love ourselves when we relapse. I don't see it celebrating anything, just a Welcome back!

Palms, glad you are sober today!

Purplecatlover

I don't know how long you've been sober or how long you've been trying to get sober but I know it took me 2 yrs of trying. I happened to find SR the last time & it stuck for me. Coincidence? I don't know.
I doubt there's 1 person who quit the first time & it stuck.
We are human, not perfect & I think it takes alot of courage to come back & admit failure. I would much rather see that than never see them again.
We're here to help & learn.
I've learned a great deal from others mistakes & commend them for getting back on the horse & trying again.
No one wants to see people fall again & again but we are all at different points in our sober journey. For some it takes longer.
Do not judge, lest you be judged.
We are all ex addicts, current addicts trying to stay sober.
This is our refuge. Please don't discourage others from coming back. They NEED to be here.

stairs

Me too! I'm on day 12 today. Glad we are sober today!

Terminally Unique

6palms,

Are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not? Are you ever going to change your mind?

You need to get your own sh!t together first before you can even consider worrying about anyone else's.

SOBERINNEPA

Yes. It really IS great to see them back.

Zee

Ditto!

Spawn

" the hardest person to forgive is ourselves "

desertsong

If you have been on SR for any length of time, you get to "know" people and really come to think of them as friends. I care about their journeys; I care about the struggles, the triumphs, the good days and the bad days, just like I do my f2f friends, and I try to be of help and support to them when I can. It is the same in my AA group. Many of the people there are like family to me.

So when someone goes back out, it is very sad. I can relate and understand it though, because I did it myself several times. I was hard enough on myself without having to face the people here and at AA - I was grateful that none of them beat me up even further. I don't think of being supportive as "coddling," I think of it as being forgiving and encouraging. That's not to say that I expect people to keep patting me on the back and ignoring the fact that I relapsed - quite the contrary. Some of the best advice I've gotten from people here was to get a program together, check my head and see what I need to be doing differently, and yes, even some tough love. But I have NEVER had anyone here be self-righteous and judgmental because I relapsed, and if I had, I don't know if I would have come back here, or back to AA.

And that's the point. Nobody wants to be kicked when they're already down. They need to hear the truth but they need to hear it in a way that doesn't demean them or make them feel worse than they already do. Sometimes it's a fine line to walk, other times it isn't. Most people, when they come back from a relapse, are ready to hear the truth. They don't want to live that way anymore. That was certainly true for me.

And finally ... if you've spent any length of time here or at AA ... you will come to find that there are plenty of folks who go back out ... and never make it back in. A lady here on SR recently lost her husband to alcoholism and it is so tragic and unnecessary. I am always relieved when I see people come back and I give a lot of credit to the folks here to pull themselves back up by their bootstraps and try again no matter what. Who are willing to go to any lengths to get sober and have the better life that they dream of.

Compassion and encouragement tempered with sound advice and the occasional tough love ... that's what I see here. And I'm grateful for it because it's helped keep me sober for another 23 days.

DayTrader

I get where you're coming from 6. I may not agree with the wording but I think I know what you're implying and I agree. I watched an AA group I used to go to "love" a guy so much that they were all afraid to hurt his feelings and tell him some truth he probably needed to hear. One week, he didn't show back up. The next week his brother showed up to let us know he died. 24 yrs old I believe...

There's a find line between encouraging ppl and coddling. I suppose there's no set standard and it's up to each of us to decide for ourselves. I think recovering ppl need the soft touch as well as the hard-a$$es - at least I did.

As far as welcoming someone back, I'll always do that....but I doubt you'll ever hear me say relapse is ok, that it's part of recovery, or that it's "normal." It happens.......but it happens as a result of NOT getting recovered more than because it's "part" of recovery. Any time someone wants to come back to work on recovery, I'll welcome them.

Nirvana1

It is all about the specific situation that each person is in. People that come in the first time who are looking for support should only be comforted. Almost all of us in the beginning didn't know what to expect and were just starting to realize we had a problem we had no control over.

When it gets a little trickier is when people post things paraphrased like "I drank again, I'm not working a program, I got this, what am I doing wrong?"

That's when I feel you need to be a little more straight with them, and I find myself being too blunt sometimes when I feel someone has the tools and support but are choosing to still drink and not follow any advice given to them.

For me, it's based off my own experience. I tried everything I could to cut down or quit drinking on my own will power. I was very stubborn and always thought I could figure out all the answers to my own problems. I probably suffered an extra 1,000 hangovers because of my unwillingness to seek help or ask for suggestions.

That's my thought process on whether someone needs to be comforted or essentially called out when they are posting. I find myself mainly reading between the lines, which is why I'm come off blunt sometimes. I'll spend a lot of time trying to be as kind as possible while still trying to get my message across, but it's not always easy to get a certain tone across in a message board.