Pigtails

My brain has been so foggy and just out of it lately. In fact it's been like that since I stopped drinking but sometimes it's worse than others. Lately I have been feeling a lot of stress due to my business and my relationship, and also just recovery/sobriety in general sometimes stresses me out... so much focus on working on myself, not drinking even when I sometimes want to... sometimes it feels freeing and I'm happy and peaceful; other times it feels like a burden and a big weight on my shoulders that will always be there. :-/

On Friday I reached some sort of tipping point. I was going to an AA meeting-- late-- and I somehow managed to run my car into a curb! There is a cone that blocks off part of the entrance way into the parking lot -- I'm not sure why -- and a lot of room to go around the cone on the left, which is what I normally do, but on Friday I passed the cone and then thought, I'll just go around it to the right-- well there was no room on that side and I ran over the curb! I wasn't talking on the phone or texting or of course drinking, I was just harried and my brain felt weight down with so many different thoughts... my boyfriend and I had had a fight on Thursday night about his drinking and I had pretty much broken up with him (again :-/) and we were supposed to be meeting at 7ish to talk, and the meeting was at 6 but I was late because I can never get out of work on time to be on time to the meeting, so it was like 6:10.

Anyway I just feel careless and stupid and like a bad driver... my boyfriend remarked jokingly (not that it was very funny!) that I should go back to driving around tipsy all the time because at least then I didn't run into curbs. I was annoyed at the "joke" but it did make me wonder, because I feel like alcohol calmed me down and allowed me to focus better, or maybe not focus as much?... like my mind is always racing with thoughts and worries and without something to numb it, it's all over the place!!

I'm not saying that I want to go back to drinking, because I don't. I just want to find peace and a way to feel calm without drinking, to pay more attention and not be so scatter-brained and all over the place mentally. I did quite the damage to my car (which is a very nice car and I already have very expensive insurance :-/ ) and my boyfriend and his uncle who owns a car shop are looking at it to assess the damages. I don't know... this post isn't really about my car, because it's just money and at least the one thing I have is money and it will be fixed, and it's not even about drinking/not drinking... it's just about, how do I find peace of mind and focus?

I have never been calm, organized, punctual, focused, disciplined, etc., never since I was a little girl and certainly not when I was drinking (although it did seem to help the symptoms of my overactive brain feel less intense, if that makes sense), and certainly not now. Instead I am a procrastinator, I focus on the wrong things, I worry too much, I am careless and sloppy. I am trying to fix these things-- obviously by not drinking, and going to meetings and doing step work, and reading about codependency and self-care... but I feel more out of sorts than ever! Does anyone have any tips or tricks? I would love to just feel peaceful and at ease but I always feel like I'm putting out fires and I'm so behind in my life.

Anna

Pigtails, I can tell what worked for me. I had been someone who was always busy, always hurrying and trying to get things done. When I stopped drinking, I knew I had to slow down and find balance in my life. Balance has been crucial for me to find peace in my life. I find 'alone time' is necessary and I am happy to say 'no, thanks' to invitations that I'm not especially interested in. I also did a lot of reading. "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav was a life-changing book for me. "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle also helped to bring some serenity into my life. Meditation and yoga are also super helpful.

I hope you feel better, Pigtails.

Sapling

Hey Pigtails.....For me it was as simple as working through those steps...I believed those ninth step promises would come true...If I just got there...They did....I don't know what step you are working on..But I was was living in 10...11..and 12 when I got my 90 day chip.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.




BB first edition

GrowingDaily

Look into meditation, specifically concentration-type meditation where you direct your focus on a single object or event (such as your breath). It requires effort & practice to reap the benefits (you don't just sit down cross-legged & have all your cares vanish instantly), but if you put in the time, it can help immensely with the issues you describe.

Pigtails

Thank you. I do think I need to slow down. Another thing I need to do is focus on the task I'm doing and finish it instead of getting stuck. I need to create a structured routine for myself that's about me and no one else. It should definitely include quiet me-time, reflecting, meditating, etc., and should involve saying no to things that aren't my priority. In some ways I have done this-- I rarely go out and find it much easier to decline invitations than I used to when I was a party-girl--- but in other ways I get distracted, don't do my work correctly during the day, then try to catch up at night or get lazy at night and just sit there watching TV with my boyfriend instead of taking care of things that need to be taken care of.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will look into those books.

Pigtails

Thanks Sapling. The promises appeal to me and are something that kept me coming back to AA in the beginning when a lot of it sounded crazy to me. I do want those promises to be fulfilled.

I am on Step 2 and tonight I'm meeting with my sponsor to move onto Step 3.

Sometimes just the act of going to meetings and meeting with my sponsor seems to take up a lot of time and energy. I am trying to keep it a priority as I know it's the most important thing.

Pigtails

Thanks. I will definitely look into mediation.

SOBERINNEPA

I found out that overcommitting is my surest path back to squirrelly thinking and poor performance. I have to be very conscious about how many things I can squeeze into a day and still leave myself the hour to just sit and have "me" time.

Am I going to be late for a meeting? Better to find a later one.

Is the house clean? It won't be that much worse tomorrow.

I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the small things. The biggest thing is that I be comfortable with me and a large part of that is not overwhelming myself to meet someone else's expectations.

WHen something goes "kerflooey!" I stop, get real still and say, "If this is the worst thing that happens, I'll have still had a pretty good day."

Pigtails

Thanks. I think I have a tendency to take on too much, have too many big goals and projects, and end up getting little to nothing done in reality. I need to set my priorities and focus on them, and not worry about anything else. BTW I'm originally from South Central PA. Best wishes.

2granddaughters

Pigtails, looking forward to hearing how your Step 3 went.

Keep on the beam, stay close to your sponsor and keep her informed how you are doing.
Just try to stay in the moment and do what need doing "right here, right now". Your head is like mine was.. multi-tasking !! Like a computer with 10 windows open !!

Flip your meeting card over and probably the slogans are on the other side. They are teaching me how to live sober "one day at a time".

All the best.

Bob R

KAMRIZ

I have what my Doc calls a Hyperactive Nervous System, which basically means I'm a spaz.

I've been meditating for almost two weeks now, it's done absolute wonders for me and now it's something I wouldn't miss for anything or anyone.....I can't believe I've gone without it all my life.

sugarbear1

Pigtails, you have what, 4-6 months? Yeah, I was a bit "out of it" even though I felt like I knew what was going on....you are still healing!

At 7.5 months, on January 1, I walked off a curb to cross a street and fell flat on my knee...I'm 50, ouch! The point is, we are healing. This does change for the better and at 10+ months, I am more clear, but still not fully present, even though I feel more clear than at 7 months.

Give yourself a break and just stay stopped! It DOES get better and better! Write lists of things to accomplish (I'm sure you already are) and cross off one task at a time.

Relax, you're getting better each day~!!

Hugs,

Peter G

All of what I quoted from Anna helped me in spades Pigtails, especially the Ekhart Tolle book. Meditation helps me center and it is sadly overlooked/under-appreciated in western culture. One thing though, meditation is like working a muscle, you have to keep exercising it before you really feel the benefits. I had to give it around 4 weeks before I really noticed the tranquility part seeping in, but it did, big time. Believe me, if you can keep at it the benefits are vast and will apply directly to all the problems you mentioned in your OP.

I don't do yoga, however I started working out the minute that familiar 'restlessness' started to set in, and it truly helps me refocus, recenter, and overcome stuff like procrastination and my tendency to take on more than I should. There is a yoga portion in my workout though, and I find myself looking forward to that more than anything else. Combined with meditation it's like a 1-2 punch.

BTW, there's a workshop on Oprah's site where you can go through a 10 week primer/webcast/study group from the Tolle book with both Oprah and Ekhart. They even have a printable workbook for it. It's amazing stuff, really.

I can't begin to tell you how brilliant E Tolle's A New Earth was for me, truly an eye opening read. You really have to check it for yourself to get what I'm saying. Somewhere within the pages, you'll come to that ubiquitous "aha" moment, I'll almost guarantee it.

Here's the link to the Oprah/Ekhart web cast and workshop r.e. the book...

linkity link

Pigtails

Thank you so much everyone for all the helpful tips! I'm excited to begin meditation. I think I will carve out at least half an hour in the mornings to meditate, which can include doing my AA readings and these other books mentioned, and just plain meditating on breathing etc. I'm wondering if I should meditate and/or do yoga before bed because I have an anxiety disorder that includes night terrors and insomnia, and perhaps this kind of relaxation will help with that. Basically I just want to start taking good care of myself and allowing myself peace and alone time. I also want to start running/working out every day but I feel like I should make these changes slowly so as not to try to do too much at once! There's so much I want to do... eat healthy, which requires extra time to buy/prepare food, etc.

SugarBear- Yes, I'm 4.5 months sober and I'm glad to hear it gets better with time. And from all of you it's nice to hear that I'm not alone and this is normal.

2Granddaughters- Thanks for the suggestions, I will talk to my sponsor about them tonight. I don't know what a meeting card is?

2granddaughters

That's the card with the 12 Steps on it. Usually, in our area at least, when you turn the card over the Slogans are on the backside.

I am finding that good sane recovery is like a fine recipe.... just the right ingredients in just the right amounts prepared and served at just the right time.
Can you identify with that?

All the best.

Bob

CaiHong

Hi Pigtails,

One thing that struck me in your posts was that you said you are working the steps but you are only up to step 2. This could be the problem, you are procrastinating about the steps.

The steps are the solution. I suggest you start really working on the steps. I had a spiritual experience because of the steps I believe and my life turned around I am so much more organized, I fit so much into my day and can achieve goals whereas before I was always gunna do stuff.
I also recognize when I am tired and rest. I have a lot of alone time.
I believe the solutions are there. You have to work them.

Peter G thanks for the thumbs up on the book.
I will definitely check it out today.

Pigtails you are doing well, now you need to take it to the next level.

All the best
caiHong

IndaMiricale

Pigtails

As I wrote earlier in my thread about prayer and meditation that truly does help. And I dont have a face to my god either more of a harmony with the world . But that works for me. And also like Anna said I say no a lot more now to invites and try to really relax at home. Plus I love going to the gym and pool then the library I find all that really calming.

Plus a meeting always sets any nerves at ease.

Look forward to hearing about your 3 rd step. Congrats and dont worry how long they take you its your own marathon and no one elses.

Pigtails

Oh okay. I don't think they have those cards here. They have laminated pages with the steps on them that someone is asked to read before each meeting.

I can identify with that, yes. Thanks!

Pigtails

Thanks, CaiHong. Yeah, it took me months to get through my first step... a lot of procrastinating and inconsistency in doing the reading and the exercises/homework my sponsor gave me. I met with her last week to go through my Step 1 and told her I want to meet weekly to do the rest of the steps faster. So tonight we are going over my Step 2 and onto Step 3. I definitely agree that picking up the pace will help me.

Pigtails

Thanks Inda. I can always relate to your posts and appreciate your support. I also enjoy the gym, the hot tub, and the library/reading, and I should start fitting these things in my life more!