need help now
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need help now
I clicked on the "need help now" sticky above but that just redirected me to a treatment center. I'm not looking for a treatment program, I'm just looking to get past the moment I'm in. I know this will pass, it always does, even though it's always lurking in the recesses of my mind. Even after 5 years of relative clean time, it's still there, like some caged animal waiting for a chance to escape. I don't expect it will ever die, that desire to use. I hear people who have years, or decades, of clean time say with conviction they will never go back, never, ever, they are so certain, so devoted to their convictions. It's not that way for me. Best I seem to be able to do is avoid coming into contact with my drugs of choice. It's not hard to avoid, really, but what about that internal desire to seek it out? That's what's eating me alive right now. So I'm here, waiting it out. I've not had five years of clean time, even though I quit using habitually (daily) five years ago. A few relapses scattered about in that time. I feel another one coming on. So I'm here hoping to wait it out, at least for this moment.
I don't suspect newcomers to recovery will have much to say on this matter, but I'm here hoping some veterans might be listening. I'd go to a meeting right now if there were any around to attend. It's an odd time of day for meetings. Help, please
I don't suspect newcomers to recovery will have much to say on this matter, but I'm here hoping some veterans might be listening. I'd go to a meeting right now if there were any around to attend. It's an odd time of day for meetings. Help, please
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When I feel like that, the first thing I do is pray..... then call my sponsor.
Andisa, if you are still having relapse problems after 5 yrs, you may want to revisit Step 1 with your sponsor.
Best of luck to you.
Bob R
Andisa, if you are still having relapse problems after 5 yrs, you may want to revisit Step 1 with your sponsor.
Best of luck to you.
Bob R
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You can hang out in the chatroom on this site, there are people that will listen to you there 
Speaking for myself, and I have only been clean for nearly 2 months, I know I have to do something about the big giant hole in my heart. But I've learned a lot about myself recently and am starting to make sense of why I feel that way which definitely seems to help.
Maybe you need to get to know yourself better so you can understand why you still want to use drugs? just an idea.. wish you the best!
Speaking for myself, and I have only been clean for nearly 2 months, I know I have to do something about the big giant hole in my heart. But I've learned a lot about myself recently and am starting to make sense of why I feel that way which definitely seems to help.
Maybe you need to get to know yourself better so you can understand why you still want to use drugs? just an idea.. wish you the best!
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Thanks for listening. I'm not attending NA meetings, nor did I go through the 12-step program. I don't have a sponsor. The only formal treatment I got was an out-patient rehab program six years ago (it took another year to actually decide to stop using). I'm not religious so do not pray. I do drink tea however! Tomorrow I'll attend an AA meeting, that is open to addicts as well. This thing isn't going away very easily this time and that makes me nervous about what my future actions might be. Lots of triggers all around me lately, complicating matters.
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I appreciate the chatroom idea, I tried one once but found it so limited. Such is why I don't do Twitter. Who can express anything in 140 characters or less?
Interesting what you suggest, Lotrus, about asking oneself why they would want to use drugs. I have no reason to use, I really have nothing I wish to escape, in fact I have a very, very good life, arranged much according to my own design and preferences. I'm very fortunate for this and am grateful for what all I have every day. But damn, those memories of being high won't leave me alone. I loved what the drugs did to my brain, and how I felt physically. It was as though everything in the world was alright, and in fact when using I thought it all was (pot and hallucinogens will do that for a person.) And even though I know that everything is alright, I really do miss that feeling.
Interesting what you suggest, Lotrus, about asking oneself why they would want to use drugs. I have no reason to use, I really have nothing I wish to escape, in fact I have a very, very good life, arranged much according to my own design and preferences. I'm very fortunate for this and am grateful for what all I have every day. But damn, those memories of being high won't leave me alone. I loved what the drugs did to my brain, and how I felt physically. It was as though everything in the world was alright, and in fact when using I thought it all was (pot and hallucinogens will do that for a person.) And even though I know that everything is alright, I really do miss that feeling.
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Thanks, Sapling. Such is what I appreciate about NA, and it is why I've attended the meetings I have attended. The group as Higher Power, it does work, and I use it as such. The primary reason I never worked the steps and got a sponsor was a jealous mate. I let him interfere with so much, including real recovery. I think I've been faking it all these years. Mostly avoiding using, but never really committing to quitting for real. I think I keep it in mind that I might one day be able to use again (which, of course, flies in the face of everything AA and NA teach.) I can't stand the thought of never, ever, being able to use again, even just one time. I miss it that much.
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Originally Posted by andisa 
The primary reason I never worked the steps and got a sponsor was a jealous mate. I let him interfere with so much, including real recovery.
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Andisa, so right now you have this thought, impulse, whatever to get loaded. And you contacted sober people instead.
Great work!
We're all crazy, but we're not all crazy at the same time. So, right now use our sanity. Getting loaded is an insane idea. A part of you is blocking out the consequences you know will come, the memories of what has happened before. The road it took you down. So let me stand in for the part of your brain that is currently down.
Getting loaded won't help anything. It will be a disaster. Again.
It's okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay to feel like you need something. Or that this moment, whatever is in it, is unsatisfying. Or difficult. Or great, but not enough. And getting loaded isn't the answer. Messing around with your feelings won't change the things you're having feelings about. You're brain is suggesting getting loaded as an answer. But what is the problem.
And how could you act in a way that addressed what that feeling is trying to tell you? You're here because you know that getting loaded isn't the answer. So what is?
May your life flow with ease, Andisa.
Great work!
We're all crazy, but we're not all crazy at the same time. So, right now use our sanity. Getting loaded is an insane idea. A part of you is blocking out the consequences you know will come, the memories of what has happened before. The road it took you down. So let me stand in for the part of your brain that is currently down.
Getting loaded won't help anything. It will be a disaster. Again.
It's okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay to feel like you need something. Or that this moment, whatever is in it, is unsatisfying. Or difficult. Or great, but not enough. And getting loaded isn't the answer. Messing around with your feelings won't change the things you're having feelings about. You're brain is suggesting getting loaded as an answer. But what is the problem.
If you didn't get loaded, what would you have to feel?
And how could you act in a way that addressed what that feeling is trying to tell you? You're here because you know that getting loaded isn't the answer. So what is?
May your life flow with ease, Andisa.
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Wow, I think I forgot how to think, and was just reminded of some things I've heard but have as yet failed to incorporate in my thinking and in my life.
I do still have that problem, Sapling. I don't know how to get out of it. I've worked so hard to change my thinking and way of being, taking the power back that I've given away most of my life to the control of others (allowing others to control me...it is codependency at its worst.) I want to make the situation I'm in work, there are many good things about this relationship and the person I'm with. Leaving is not an option. I'm financially independent and have my own home and steady employment doing work I love. But we have a son, a toddler. He should have mom and dad both. So I cannot just abandon that ship you see.
Soberandgodless, I wish you were here to go for a walk with me. I appreciate your calming and thought-provoking approach. Yes, that's true, I did opt to come here and seek help rather than use. So I have that going for me. And in doing so I'm reminded why I don't choose to use, and keep avoiding taking that step to acquiring them. Because if I had them in hand there is no doubt I'd use them. So I don't get them. That's not recovery, it's pure avoidance. I see I have work still to do. Times like this make it evident I have a lot of work still to do. I thought that after 5 years of avoidance I'd be in a different place, but I just put off recovery for five years is all.
Essentially, I have no good reason to use. None, other than that feeling one gets when high, of "everything is alright." In fact, everything is good. So it seems, without question.
I need to get back to work now, after taking this necessary break. I'll carry the question posed above with me as I proceed through this day. I look forward to returning tomorrow should anyone have anything more to offer this. You've all offered so much unconditional friendship. While I still feel like crying for the state I'm in, I'm also smiling, and so grateful. Thank you.
I do still have that problem, Sapling. I don't know how to get out of it. I've worked so hard to change my thinking and way of being, taking the power back that I've given away most of my life to the control of others (allowing others to control me...it is codependency at its worst.) I want to make the situation I'm in work, there are many good things about this relationship and the person I'm with. Leaving is not an option. I'm financially independent and have my own home and steady employment doing work I love. But we have a son, a toddler. He should have mom and dad both. So I cannot just abandon that ship you see.
Soberandgodless, I wish you were here to go for a walk with me. I appreciate your calming and thought-provoking approach. Yes, that's true, I did opt to come here and seek help rather than use. So I have that going for me. And in doing so I'm reminded why I don't choose to use, and keep avoiding taking that step to acquiring them. Because if I had them in hand there is no doubt I'd use them. So I don't get them. That's not recovery, it's pure avoidance. I see I have work still to do. Times like this make it evident I have a lot of work still to do. I thought that after 5 years of avoidance I'd be in a different place, but I just put off recovery for five years is all.
Essentially, I have no good reason to use. None, other than that feeling one gets when high, of "everything is alright." In fact, everything is good. So it seems, without question.
If you didn't get loaded, what would you have to feel?
I need to get back to work now, after taking this necessary break. I'll carry the question posed above with me as I proceed through this day. I look forward to returning tomorrow should anyone have anything more to offer this. You've all offered so much unconditional friendship. While I still feel like crying for the state I'm in, I'm also smiling, and so grateful. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by Lotrus
I think I know what you mean by that feeling you get on pot and hallucinogens. A good replacement for me is meditation. Worth a try if haven't tried it already.
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Andisa, I'm travelling tomorrow, but I will check in. Cry if you need to. Heck, you've made me a little misty-eyed here. I'm grateful too that we all have each other. It's amazing really, given how most of us tried so hard for so long to make our worlds so small that we could be in control of every little thing in them, including our feelings.
Be well.
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[QUOTE=andisa;3329208]Even after 5 years of relative clean time, it's still there, like some caged animal waiting for a chance to escape. I don't expect it will ever die, that desire to use. I hear people who have years, or decades, of clean time say with conviction they will never go back, never, ever, they are so certain, so devoted to their convictions. It's not that way for me. [/QUOTE
I quit smoking some years back. I can say with certainty - like the people you mentioned - that I will never have another drag. No way, no how. Never. And I know that.
But that wasn't me either until the last time I quit, and I had tried to quit many, many times prior (and succeeded twice before starting again months/years later).
What made the difference for me was purposefully retraining my mind to view tobacco for what it actually is: a poison. The problem with addictive chemicals is that they hijack our brain's pleasure centers. Chemically, at our most basic level, our body sees them as something we need... something to crave. And every day we consume them, this 'training' is reinforced. So while we might rationally know that <insert whatever here> is bad for you - deep inside - we really see it as good.
Back to my example - every time I thought about having a cigarette, I'd force myself to think of the fat cats in big tobacco laughing their asses off as they got rich taking the money I was giving them to sell me poison. I'd make myself look at pictures of smokers lung, or of people dying of cancer. I'd force myself to think of my family struggling on after my death. Long story short - I'd force myself to see them for what they really were - not the illusion they had created by docking on a serotonin receptor
I quit smoking some years back. I can say with certainty - like the people you mentioned - that I will never have another drag. No way, no how. Never. And I know that.
But that wasn't me either until the last time I quit, and I had tried to quit many, many times prior (and succeeded twice before starting again months/years later).
What made the difference for me was purposefully retraining my mind to view tobacco for what it actually is: a poison. The problem with addictive chemicals is that they hijack our brain's pleasure centers. Chemically, at our most basic level, our body sees them as something we need... something to crave. And every day we consume them, this 'training' is reinforced. So while we might rationally know that <insert whatever here> is bad for you - deep inside - we really see it as good.
Back to my example - every time I thought about having a cigarette, I'd force myself to think of the fat cats in big tobacco laughing their asses off as they got rich taking the money I was giving them to sell me poison. I'd make myself look at pictures of smokers lung, or of people dying of cancer. I'd force myself to think of my family struggling on after my death. Long story short - I'd force myself to see them for what they really were - not the illusion they had created by docking on a serotonin receptor
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