hardy

Hi everyone. I am 32 and my life is unbearable. I am addicted to meth and Vicodin and also take other pills. My story is like so many others. I have always had a hard time feeling good about myself. I was an overachiever in school as well as an athlete. I went to college on full athletic scholarship and during my sophomore year, I was raped. I had been treated for depression in high school but after the rape I became so depressed that I attempted suicide. I was angry and hated myself.
The summer after my sophomore year I went home knowing I couldn't go back to college. I also met the man I would marry. At first this man gave me confidence and I felt safe. I graduated college in my hometown and got married. After just few weeks, my husband began physically and emotionally abusing me. He also forced himself on me whenever he wanted. I was trying so hard to be normal while I taught school but I was falling apart.
Eventually I found out my husband was using and dealing meth as well as cheating on me. I had become so devoid of self worth I still stayed with him after he got a girl pregnant. My husband told me he was with her because she used drugs and I did not. So I said I'd try meth. That was October 2005. Since then I got divorced, went to jail, lost everything. I currently live with my mom and stepdad and my family believes I haven't used since I moved here out of jail. I've been using since march 2007.
I am trying to stop on my own because my family will kick me out and never speak to me if they learn I'm using. They wouldn't help me get treatment. I have been so depressed that I have a plan to kill myself. I was sober 3 days last week but realized I didn't want to be sober because I couldn't handle my feelings. So I don't want to live my life on drugs but don't know how to cope being sober. I'm already so depressed and worry getting clean will push me to hurt myself. All I know is that I need help and don't have a clue what to do. I want my life back. I can't believe I've become this loser that can't take care of herself. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I feel totally alone.

Holly7

You are not alone anymore. You are in the right place. There are so many people here that will help support you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you thought abput going to an NA meeting???

2granddaughters

hardy, is your doctor aware of your condition? Have you attended NA or other recovery meetings?
I was suicidal when I came to recovery, it will pass as you begin to heal.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

artsoul

:ghug3I'm glad you're here, hardy..... We've all been in that place of feeling alone and ashamed - it's a very hard place to be, but you're reaching out today and wanting to make a change...... that a very, very good thing!

I don't know what the situation is with your family, but I'm sure they would rather know what you're going through than see you hurt yourself, ya know?

Stick around - there are a lot of people here who have been through some really hard times like you have, and been able to turn their lives around.

hardy

Thanks. I want to go to NA meetings but this is embarrassing, I have to borrow my mom's car. I let my truck get impounded. I have talked to a substance abuse counselor and my local crisis center has meetings but again its hard to get there. I am not seeing a doctor and have been off antidepressants for two years. My depression came before drugs and I'm not getting it treated. My biggest problem is that I make too much money for county programs but spend every dollar on drugs. I'm such a mess and feel like I am hopeless. I can't even get myself sober. I'm so sad and believe suicide is best option. I've never regretted my previous attempt and now engage in dangerous behavior. I take too many norcos mixed with alcohol and ambien, Xanax,oxy, somas and know when I shouldn't take more but inevitably I take more hoping I don't wake up but not exactly attempting to die. If I throw up because of too much tylenol, I just swallow more. I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm just in bad place and lost.

Primrose

Hi hardy. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and alone. Having been diagnosed with anxiety and depression myself, I understand what it is like to be in a dark place. Would your family be supportive if you told them you need help with your depression? I know there are facilities that treat people who have both mental health issues such as depression, and addiction issues. You can be honest with the doctor about your addiction issues, and legally (at least in the US) the doctor or facility will not be able to discuss what you tell them with your family unless you were to give consent.

2granddaughters

My recovery started with a failed suicide attempt, I hear you.
Get to the crisis center and meet the folks (all of whom will be just like you, you will fit right in). I'm sure there will be someone there who could pick you up and take you to the meetings. Having a "buddy" makes recovery so much easier.
Don't let your pride and ego talk you out of going, just do it !!

You posted here so there is a sane part of you that wants help, please listen to that part and ignore the disease that's telling you you can't do it. Take a cab to the crisis center if you have to, just get there.
And call your doctor !

Doctor and meeting... the rest will fall into place, trust me.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

I feel your pain and I'm so glad you found us.

Please go to the crisis centre and tell them how you are feeling. Or go to an ER and ask for help. There is nothing to be embarassed about or ashamed of. Addiction is not a character defect. It's a disease. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

jobei

I just said a prayer for you... I am so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. The only thing I am sure of is that there IS a way out other than hurting yourself! If you could go to the ER and tell a Doctor whats going on I'm sure they'd help you. It could end up costing money in the long run but it might save your life now!

DayTrader

I haven't had a license sine late 2005, I live alone, parents and relatives are all way out of town and this being Detroit, there's little to no public transportation unless you live in the inner city (which I don't). In spite of that, I've managed about 2.5 meetings per week for almost 5 years, + 2 years of weekly reporting to outpatient counseling, + 2 years of monthly probation reporting, Bi-weekly tether-check for 18 months to a location about 35 miles away, back and forth to work (and it's not like everyone I work with lives near me) etc etc etc....... so........I understand what it is to not be able to drive. It seems in your case, you get to drive.........just not your own car. really? that's an issue?

If going to NA really was a priority, you'd have no problem getting there. 3 weeks ago I moved about 40 minutes away from where I've lived for the past 12 years. I've already done about 75 miles on my BIKE to/from meetings (and I'm a 43yr old guy) and it's NOT because I believe meetings keep me sober or because I "needed a meeting." It's because working on recovery and helping others IS a priority for me.

Priorities are set with our actions......not made up in our heads. Wanna know your priorities, keep a list of what you did today - those are your priorities.

In the meantime, check out the pseudo-NA area on SR: here. You want some NA-type help, go ask the NA folks - that's where they hang out. Find out if you're a real addict or not. Find out if you suffer from addiction that's acute or chronic. And, if you want to do something about it...... then let's do something about it other than thinkin' about it.

Going through the 12 steps in AA changed my life.......and I didn't think it was much more than a we-don't-drink-club. It changed my WHOLE life. I know there's some solid NA out there too - groups that focus on the steps and the solution to chronic drug addiction. Go find 'em, get involved, start working the program or...... find another program to work...........or do nothing. It's up to you, of course. I'll wager recovery is your best bet tho.

GrowingDaily

It's hard to pick out just one thing that we helpful in your post - the whole thing was gold - but this was a treasure for me. Thank you.

Sapling

That is a great post DT...Good advice to follow.

DayTrader

Heh, wish it was mine originally. I got it from an AA speaker (Don Major was the guy, actually).

I remember hearing that one and the hairs on my arms stood up (ok, maybe I'm exaggerating.....lol, but u know what I mean). It kinda was like an awakening for me. I recall thinking, "Dammmmm.......thaaaaaaaaaaaat's why I don't act on my priorities. They're NOT my priorities! I'm lying to myself." Prettymuch a bummer.......but it's been a good one to keep in my back pocket and think about from time to time. What REALLY are my priorities today? ......not surprisingly, the areas I don't make priorities with my feet, those are almost always the problem areas in my life.

2granddaughters

Yeah, DT, anything worthwhile that comes out of my mouth was put there before by a good oldtimer. Bless them.

Hope your having a great day!

Bob R (across the river)

ACT10Npack

hardy have you never try looking into rehab. If you can only stay sober for 3 days then it may be time to look into a place where you can't use if you want to. I never abuse drugs, just alcohol and it's a hard thing to control when your addict to it. There are places where you can get in free 27 days of in patent rehab. Good luck and welcome to SR.

smacked

You've been through a lot. Not many of us come here following a path without struggle, ghosts in the past, tragedies in life.. but we do, and I'm so happy you're here.

I remember when I was still using, and didn't want to live. I wanted to get sober too. That isn't consistent (course, I'm still rarely consistent) with wanting to die, so I realized there was still something I was willing to live for. I don't have kids, I don't have one family member to speak of. I have a lukewarm relationship with my husband, and very few outside friends. I couldn't grab on to the typical 'reasons' to live, but I started thinking about the things in life, the very few.. that make me like to live. This sounds cheesy, but I had to break it down.. I started thinking about never seeing a sunset/sunrise, never hearing my favorite songs, reading a really great book, getting a great night's sleep. One of my not so great old friends said to me once, "If you really wanted to die, wouldn't you be dead by now?", and it made me pause, and reach deep for the things that kept me here even though I usually felt I had nothing worth thinking about.

I'm so glad you found us. You're less alone than you think, a lot of us are reading your posts identifying with more than you even know. I hope you have had some time to read some posts here, there's lots of successes too.. we do recover, for lots and lots of reasons, in lots of different ways.