Sapling

That's awesome Veritas1...I like it.

Atitagain

Thank you all...and it is not just a vent. I MUST do something about it now. So day 2 today! Although I usually only drink on the weekends...that's the hardest for me. And thank you Veritas1...I am going to copy and print that out and read it. I have a recovery bible and got that out last night...going to start reading. It's time to let it go.

Sapling

Yeah...The first time I read that...I said the same thing...That's me...It's a great book....What I like about it is...There is a solution...All you have to do is follow the directions...Best of luck to you...There is a far better life there waiting for you...I hope you find it.

Atitagain

Thank you...I'm going to do my best. It's nice to be able to talk to others about it that know what you are going through...then it's not like it's just me out there by myself.

GrowingDaily

The fear of never being able to drink again is symptomatic of a deeper problem - that you haven't come to terms with the truth of how you relate to alcohol, and how it impacts your life.

You know it's damaging your body. You know it's damaging your mind. You know it's damaging your marriage. And yet it's something you can't stand the thought of losing. This doesn't make any sense rationally. You SHOULD absolutely hate it. You SHOULD wish it was wiped from the face of the earth considering all the pain it's brought to your life so far, and all the pain it has yet to bring.

I think it's safe to say we all pretty much think this way. So you're not alone. But that still doesn't change the fact that you're loving your enemy.

I used to be just like you. For decades I convinced myself I 'just like to party'. But now I'm beginning to realize the truth. I wasn't hurting myself without reason. I had allowed alcohol to become necessary for my emotional survival. Instead of facing pain I had long-ago repressed, I drank it away. Every once in a while I'd stop drinking for a few days, or a week, or a month - to prove to myself I was 'OK'... all a grand illusion I constructed for myself to deny my real problems.

Every day I'm 'clean' I learn more about myself. You don't have to understand, at this point, what exactly it is that drives you to drink yourself into oblivion. You just need to know that in time you will. But that it requires sobriety. In other words, you can't see the path you need to follow from within the shelter of abuse. You need to stop using & start facing your emotions.

Emjay40

This is fantastic advice, and pretty much what my therapist said to me last week.

Facing your emotions sober can be tough, but it's really worth it in the long run. I'm just two weeks into my journey and I've learned so much already. I'm on such a high just being 'free' of the demon drink.

Atitagain, I wish you all the very best for the road ahead. You wont believe how good it feels!

Atitagain

GrowingDaily...thank you so much for those words. I keep thinking to myself WHY would I want to do this...why do I still love it...what is wrong inside me that I need it still. With my anxiety/panic issues, I've been through a lot of therapy trying to figure that out...but when asked about drinking, I always denied that I had a problem. "I don't drink all the time...only a day or two a week...that's not an alcoholic!" But inside myself I was saying the exact opposite! Just didn't want to say it out loud, because then people would expect me to NOT drink and to be working on it...and I guess I wasn't ready to do that. But at 5 years old, my daughter ABSOLUTELY must know what is going on and that breaks my heart. And my husband has asked me over and over again to stop and over and over again I've promised...made compromises, excuses. I know he loves me, but I'm sure he doesn't like me very much at the moment. I hate the thought that, just for one or two days a week, I'm choosing it over them. And if it's only a day or two a week, WHY can't I give that up? I usually will start about 2 or 3 in the afternoons...I'm bored, too much time on my hands, just sitting around...and for some reason I can't deal with that! I would rather numb my mind then just relax and read a book or something. I should be so content...everything, after waiting 46 years, is finally right. So I absolutely have work to do to find out what it is that causes me to keep going back.

Thanks again...lots to think about.

GrowingDaily

Preaching to the choir. I've certainly wondered the same thing. Doubt there's anyone here who hasn't. I'm personally of the opinion that long-term, complete sobriety is the only way to answer those questions. And I'm still on that journey myself. But with literally every day that passes, I learn more about myself and my emotions. I'm finding answers now to the questions you're asking - and it's 100% due to the fact that I don't have anything left to hide behind. I have to face the true me.

You see it as one or two days a week, but the impact it has on you and your family spans in-between those days. Being dependent on alcohol for happiness, even part-time, illustrates that you're not really happy - or rather - you're not allowing yourself to be really happy. And that carries over to every aspect of your life, all the time. And affects the ones you love. I'm not saying this to induce guilt - you have no reason to feel guilty - you obviously love your family or you wouldn't have such concerns. But don't fool yourself into thinking that the only time it changes you is when you're actively drinking.

You don't have to come from hell to end up there. Perfectly well-adjusted people in perfectly well-adjusted lives have the potential for substance abuse. Many of us start out as responsible social drinkers, just wanting to add to the pleasure of a moment. But over time, we 'learn' that alcohol not only makes good times better, it makes bad times go away. So we become more & more dependent on alcohol for our happiness, without even realizing it. Unfortunately, the 'happiness' we feel under the influence is a lie.

As I begin to see the glimpses of the person I used to be before alcohol got the better of me, I realize just how little joy there really was in my life. Not due to external circumstances, but due to the prison I had constructed for myself. I used to be very active & outgoing... alcohol was just an occasional accompaniment. I ended up being the guy who would sit for hours on his arse trying to think of something fun to do, only to start drinking when I realized absolutely nothing piqued my interest. Now that I've been sober for a while, the pleasure in my old hobbies is starting to come back - often times with the intensity of joy that I can't remember feeling since I was a child. I actually WANT to get out & do things now. Sounds silly - but that's big for me. And illustrative of just how unhappy I was, even w/o realizing it.

Atitagain

OK...lots of good stuff there...I have to print it out and read it and then i will get back to you...you have amazing insight into this whole thing! Let me digest and repost! THANK YOU!

Atitagain

GrowingDaily: I sent you a private message...your words brought out SO much in me last night...my fingers were typing and I wasn't even thinking...I sent you what came out of that...THANK YOU!

I'm so very thankful for this forum. It's been freeing to be able to talk to people that understand...when I can't talk about it to those I know and love. What a load off. Thank you all...what a blessing.