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Old 03-25-2012, 07:00 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I just hope and pray I can find someone like that. I know that avoiding her isn't going to help but Ive been planning on going to other meetings where she is not there. It's tough to sit in my feelings sponsor less. I rather be swarmed with ladies who don't know me then one who's going to make me feel like sh*t. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't have a sponsor and works the steps alone but it's kinda like, "why me? Why can't I find a sponsor who won't make me feel worse than I already am?" but I've been praying and really putting the effort in to stay sober. I want to be as far away from a drink as I can. This forum is really helping me too- thanks for all the support. It ain't easy.
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Old 03-25-2012, 07:17 AM   #22 (permalink)
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No one can make me feel bad without my consent. Somewhere along the line of this new found sobriety, we must be honest with others. Just call that woman up and let her know you are seeking a new sponsor instead of avoiding her, which is MY old drinking behavior. Most of us don't get sober to continue our old ways.

I have a friend who is doing what you are doing and right now, she's drinking again and playing puppeteer in lying to work about her drinking, lying to rehab because they will tell work she is drinking, ruining relationships with her kids and is in several toxic relationships, but she isn't seeing her part in any of this. (no, you aren't doing all of this, but when we want to keep manipulating our worlds so everyone meets our needs, that is when we get our consequences)

She had asked you to call her and you texted her. Following suggestions is better than running the show your old way. There are reasons for her behaving in this manner, but without talking with her, you'll never know.

I only say these things because I've been where you are in the past. Today, I can see the real problem was really with my reactions, not necessarily the sponsor's part.

If every new sponsor pisses you off and you run, where's the growth? I don't think she was trying to make you feel worse, she was standing her ground in her part. Yes, she could have been more gentle with you, knowing you weren't feeling good, but that didn't happen.

I do hope you work with someone through the steps, they really help us to grow.

I still wish you well. Enjoy your meetings!
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Old 03-25-2012, 12:36 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Hi Amywife,

I have yet to find a sponsor that I can relate to. I understand what a lot of people are saying about the sponsor just being there to take you through the steps and ask questions but with my first sponsor I needed more, in early sobriety My emotions were all over the place and I needed a lot of nurturing and support, I had a good friend that was able to do that to a limited amount, due to distance. This forum gave me more information and support to be honest than my sponsor.

Now nearly 10 months down the track I feel that if I met someone whom I thought
was a good fit I would ask them to be my sponsor but I would prefer to have no sponsor than one than made me feel bad.

Because of where I live I have very limited choices and can't even make meetings now I am thinking of trying to find a sponsor online if there is such a thing.

Anyway I think you are showing great resolve in wanting to stay sober. Keep up the good work, do the steps they are really the most important part of AA as far as I 'm concerned.

Take care
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Old 03-25-2012, 01:26 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Cai - THANK YOU. It is not a walk in the park trying to find a sponsor period. Ive been sponsor hunting really hard and I do believe my HP will find me one. I hope we both find one. I need to be supported and if some woman cant be that person, I have to find another one. Keeping it simple is beyond me right now. 34 days strong
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Old 03-27-2012, 07:53 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Update: got a sponsor who has 20something years sober, working step one tomorrow
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:16 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I think sometimes we put sponsors on a pedestal, especially new in recovery. When they make a mistake or we feel as they we've been let down it's easy to get resentful.

A sponsor's job is just to take you through the steps ... period. A consequence of taking you through the steps is that a relationship gets formed, but a sponsor shouldn't be viewed as a therapist, nor be available at the drop of a hat.

I always think that's it's good to get a small circle of AA'ers to be close to, people with good sobriety. That way as and when the sponsor is not available there are others to turn to.
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:29 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Update: got a sponsor who has 20something years sober, working step one tomorrow
That's fantastic....Give it all you got....It works.
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Old 03-27-2012, 02:43 PM   #28 (permalink)
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She said that she's going to her home group which is a half hour from me. I then told her that my friend died and she said sorry then told me she wasn't going to change her plans just because her sponsee is thinking of drinking and is a mess.
So let me get this straight: You didn't vocalize anything at all about wanting to drink, yet this person just came to the conclusion that you wanted to drink? Am I reading this correctly? I'm having a hard time following here. (Then again, I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Even if I like to think so sometimes.)

Please clarify if at all possible. Thanks!
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:24 PM   #29 (permalink)
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She isn't going to take me through the steps, just the book. So I contacted one of my first sponsors who I talk to everyday and I asked if she could sponsor me again and she said yes.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:46 PM   #30 (permalink)
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She isn't going to take me through the steps, just the book. So I contacted one of my first sponsors who I talk to everyday and I asked if she could sponsor me again and she said yes.
I've never heard of one taking you through the book without taking you through the steps...It's like taking you through the carwash...Without turning the water on....Anyhoo....You have a new one...Get working...Remember the sponsor guides the boat....You row.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:12 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Went back to one of my first sponsors and realized it was all fear. Back at step one. 38 days
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:17 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Assuming wanting to drink

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squizz View Post
So let me get this straight: You didn't vocalize anything at all about wanting to drink, yet this person just came to the conclusion that you wanted to drink? Am I reading this correctly? I'm having a hard time following here. (Then again, I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Even if I like to think so sometimes.)

Please clarify if at all possible. Thanks!
Yep. I didn't want to drink at all and she assumed that I wanted to. I told her that I moved on to a new sponsor that's better for me and she still calls and wants me to call her. I understand she wants to be there for me too but I don't want to lead her on thinking I want to work w her. I left her a text and voicemail saying I need the steps in my life and want to really work them.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:21 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I left her a text and voicemail saying I need the steps in my life and want to really work them.
Good for you...You won't regret it.
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Old 04-01-2012, 06:32 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I can't answer your question but I set strict boundaries with my sponsees. They're not to call me after 8:30 at night or appear at my house unannounced. It's a sanity check.
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:38 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Good news!

I have had trouble finding a 'good for me' sponsor. I had one that kept me on step 4 for nearly a year. People kept telling me 'your sponsor is always right' so I kept persevering. I should have found another sponsor.

Just keep in mind that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and errors in judgement. Maybe ask your sponsor to clearly define what you can and can't expect from her so you're both on the same page about expectations.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:25 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Day 49, had cravings while writing down first step stuff about being powerless but it went away. Went through phone contacts and deleted people I don't talk to anymore in the program. Also starting to add people to my resentment list (all the way back to 2nd grade!)
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:41 PM   #37 (permalink)
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when the woman said she would take you through the Book, the Steps are in the book so maybe that's what she meant. I can't believe someone said they would sponsor you but not take you through the Steps.

I had a sponsor who took me through the Book. We took turns to read it outloud and did the Steps when we got to them in the Book, in the way the Book said to do them.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:58 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Day one of sponsoring myself, day 52 sober.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:01 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Day one of sponsoring myself, day 52 sober.
Not a great idea....You can't find anyone that has done the steps correctly to show you how to do it?
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:55 PM   #40 (permalink)
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She isn't going to take me through the steps, just the book. So I contacted one of my first sponsors who I talk to everyday and I asked if she could sponsor me again and she said yes.
The book is the steps... and the steps are in the book.

?
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