Pigtails

Lately I've realized a lot. Not only am I an alcoholic, but I'm a co-dependent too. :-/ As some of you know, my boyfriend has a drinking problem and I spent so much of my time and energy worrying about it/him. Looking back, I've always dated guys who have issues and I think it's my job to fix or rescue them, or maybe I settle because I don't think I can be with someone "healthy" when I'm not (or, I wasn't, anyway).

I've been reading the book Co-Dependent No More and finding it really helpful, if not scary. I realize I'm playing out patterns and roles I learned from childhood. My mom's father was an alcoholic and she has so many co-dependent tendencies that I guess I learned from her. When I first started to learn about alcoholism, I always thought that my mom had many of those characteristics and issues, except that she never ever drinks (and never had a drinking problem... she used to drink beers with her father after school as a teenager, but hasn't has a sip since she had me when she was 19, and thinks all alcohol is dangerous and sinful). Now I see that some of the coping mechanisms and traits are the same for both alcoholics and co-dependents.

I am trying really hard to focus on myself and my own recovery instead of on my boyfriend. I don't know why I find it so hard to walk away from a situation I know isn't best for me. I am praying for strength and wisdom because I do love him and a big part of me has hope that he will get better. But mainly I'm realizing I need to concentrate on myself no matter what he does/doesn't do... which is a hard lesson to be learning, but at least I'm finally getting it.

Thanks for reading.

Sapling

And you're not drinking Pigtails....That's the main thing.....Keep praying and hang in there.

andisa

Realizing where you are is, it appears to me right now, the most important part of progressing with your recovery, and your life. I'm in that place right now, of simply taking a look at where I'm at, so I have a starting place. Without that, instead looking at the future of where you want to be, gets you nowhere. That you are recognizing your situation is essential.

From experience I offer this, focus on YOUR recovery for now. You cannot fix nor change anyone else. And if you don't do what you need to do to get your life in a place you want it to start, you will not proceed to where you want to go. I jumped into a relationship the very same week I quit using. Despite the strong advice to not do that. Five years later I'm still in the same mental place I was when I quit using and suffering as a result. I have not been in recovery, I've been in avoidance. Co-dependency will do that to a person. Focus on your recovery from addiction as well as becoming healthy in your life. In that, you'll have so much more strength to proceed to where you want to go.

Best to you!

Impurrfect

(((Pigtails))) - I'm both a recovering addict and am working recovery for codependency, too. I've gotten a ton of support, ES&H here, and spend a lot of time on the Friends & Family (F&F) forums.

I found out, it doesn't matter that I know addiction inside and out, when it comes to my loved ones? I had a lot to learn, because I would get so stressed out, I wanted to get NUMB, and that's just not going to happen as long as I work both recoveries.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

PaperDolls

I learned the same thing about myself around the time I quit drinking ..... actually before I quit drinking. I was in a horribly codependent relationship.

I found that the steps of AA helped me with a lot of it along with therapy. I know I could still benefit from Alanon but just haven't jumped into it yet.

Becoming aware of it and admitting it is a big step forward in my opinion.

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. I'm at the point where I realize I can't change him and I either have to take him as he is or leaves. Being that we are not married, do not have kids, and don't live together (we were supposed to be moving in together but I pushed it back because I don't want to move in with him like this), I have many reasons to leave and I can't figure out why I stay... I mean obviously I love him and I am afraid to be alone/without him. I have to come to grips with that part of it all. But I am really trying my best to just focus on me, not on him. I was thinking of telling him that I only want to see him one or two nights a week instead of every night (except when his drinking ruins the plans/routine). That way I can start detaching from him and getting stronger on my own, and also I will have more time and space to think about myself and my own recovery.