wanttofeelok

I have been using various drugs for the past three years. Started during a horrific semester at college. Binged on dxm for 2 months 3-4x a week. I found a way to escape reality which was what I wanted then. Experimented with various drugs over the next two years, none of which I got seriously addicted to.

Things all seemed to go downhill when I found out my mother is a narcissist and had abused me growing up. Decided to cut her out of my life after realizing the damage she'd caused and the fact that she would never change and I couldn't handle her in my life at least for the time being.

Ended up in a treatment facility in Jan 2011 mainly for the codependency and childhood trauma from my mom, with a slight emphasis on my drug use. Was doing really well and making great progress up until day 35 when I had a repressed memory surface about being molested as a child. Due to finances, I had to leave on day 38. I had originally been living with my dad (parents divorced) and my dad, while nowhere near as bad as my mother, was absent when I was growing up and didn't protect me from my mother or stand up for me because he was afraid of the consequences. Because of this, it was recommended that I do whatever it took to find a place to live outside of my parents household.

I spent 2 weeks sleeping on my sisters couch at her apartment before I found a halfway house in Florida that appeared to be exactly what I needed. The price was right and they offered full time job placement within two weeks. Called and they told me to get down there right away. I took a huge leap of faith and moved to Florida with $600 to my name. The halfway house ended up being more like a crack house. It was in the ghetto, the doors didn't lock, my room was infested with bedbugs, and I didn't even have a mattress to sleep on til day 3. My roommates would drink and smoke weed all day, nothing was controlled and no rules enforced. Needless to say it was a sick scam.

I panicked and called the rehab I went to explaining my situation and looking for help. I was sent to another halfway house that was much better, but run by an ex-Marine who had been sober for 10 years but was definitely a sober drunk. He had random outbursts of rage at my roommates and I even though I spent every day going to meetings, hanging out with my sponsor, trying to find a job, and keeping busy while almost everyone else laid around watching tv looking miserable.

To make a long story short, I didn't find a job. The owner of the halfway house decided to close down because he wasn't making money off of it because me, and a couple other roommates were unable to pay rent. I spent my last 300 on a week in a hotel while going to meetings, trying to find a job, etc. I ended up homeless and my sponsor and home group literally abandoned me. After two weeks I finally convinced my dad to get me a bus ride home. That was the end of last April.

During May and June I continued my sobriety from drugs, drank a few beers here and there (was never my issue), got two jobs, and started getting my life back on track. After passing the drug tests for my jobs, I unfortunately decided to start smoking weed again. It was the day that I got my second job that I found out my sister who I am very close to had been strung out on heroin for 3 months and was going to rehab. I continued to smoke but soon switched to synthetic marijuana because it was legal, cheap, and I could pass a drug test on it. I soon got into the synthetic drug market online.

At the beginning of the fall I began shooting up my synthetic drugs. My sister was now out of rehab, and hadn't been using heroin, but was living with my mom and couldn't take it and wanted to get high. We began shooting the synthetic drugs together, usually for a few days or so out of a month. I began experimenting with shooting other drugs such as oxycodone. That November I went on a month-long Methadone binge and quit cold turkey, enduring 18 days of hell. I swore off opiates after that and instead started shooting more synthetics. Soon I began to experience negative side effects from my excessive use.

I had a panic attack at work on December 6th due to a very vivid reliving of being molested as a child, and went to the ER. I told them everything, and they gave me an ativan to calm me down and suggested I get my life back on track and quit using drugs. I started seeing a therapist and was put on ativan because whenever my previous dose wore off, I would go into panic again.

From that time until 3 weeks ago, I used methadone 2x a week because I found it was the only thing that gave me temporary relief, gave me hope, made me feel like everything was ok, and then the other 5 days I would just take Ativan and feel hopeless. I would get some synthetic drugs once a month and shoot them until I stopped getting any positive effect and only negative. So I've been on Ativan for three months now, just got switched over to Xanax because the Ativan no longer was helping my anxiety. Saw a psychiatrist who put my on the anti-depressant Celexa which worked wonderfully for 3 days and then gave me horrible anxiety and seriously messed up my ability to sleep.

2 weeks ago I decided I needed to give up all non-prescribed drugs. I wanted to stop relying on drugs and start using my money responsibly. I also felt tremendous guilt that I was using intravenous drugs with a sister I love so dearly who had no business messing around with the needle. I decided I needed to have a big blowout to end my drug use since I hadn't been on an opiate binge since November. Over the weekend I shot and snorted 14 oxys, previously never used more than 2 in a day, shot a gram of coke, and even shot heroin for the first time...with the sister who hadn't used for 9 months.

Since then I have not been on any opiates or any other non-prescribed drug besides weed. My anxiety has been so bad. Even the xanax is hardly helping. I was switched over to a new anti-depressant over a week ago which has much less side effects but this anxiety is crippling.

Basically, I am terrified. I have decided to give up the only form of relief I have gotten for my depression, anxiety, and overall sadness for the past 2+ years. I feel bad already, and I know the more sobriety I have, the more I will feel. I don't know if I can handle feeling any worse. I am also concerned about being on a benzo daily for coming up on 4 months. I do not want to have to be on them for long or endure a horrific withdrawal which I've heard can leave you with worse anxiety than before you started, but I wake up each morning shaking with anxiety until I take a benzo. It only helps enough for me to get out of bed and struggle through work.

After this bag of weed is gone I am going to be done with drugs. I haven't screwed up my life that much but I can see how much it's held me back and how its not helping anything and if I don't stop now, I can see myself spiraling out of control and just giving up. I pray constantly to God to give me the strength and courage to just get through the day and for forgiveness for the harm I've done to myself and others, and for being a ****** brother and enabling my sister instead of helping her. I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life and Al-Anon's Hope for Today which have helped but I still feel paralyzing fear and anxiety and sadness for the harm my mother has caused not only me, but continues to cause my family members.

I live in an area with a bad drug and alcohol problem, yet limited 12 step meetings to get to. My work schedule does not allow me to make a meeting daily, although I know I need to find a way to work it into my schedule. I am starting a new journey with little support besides the help I get from God.

I know this was a very long post but I've had so much on my mind that I've needed to let out in some way and I plan to continue returning to this website to get support, support others, and focus on sobriety. I thank any and all who read all or even some of my post. I know there is hope and a brighter future ahead if I continue doing the right thing, but it is extremely difficult to have faith and believe that while I'm hurting so much right now and always around hurting people (my father, sister). I have no real friends and hope to gain many here.

Purplecatlover

Welcome Want to!
I do not have experience w/ shooting drugs but I think you are brave to reach out for help. There is lots of encouragement & support here.
I hope you will read around & find strength & guidance from those here that have succeeded in long term sobriety.
Never give up hope. Sometimes it's what turns can't into will.
Best wishes. Don't beat yourself up. We've all been an addict. But you CAN turn it around.

2granddaughters

wanttofeelok, it sounds like you have ended up in a rut.

You said that you can't make regular meetings because of work schedule. You may want to talk to someone about that because I believe that getting straight/sober is the most important thing right now. Just my $0.02
Get to meetings and make friends there. Link up with folks who are going to other meetings and ask if you can come along. Get phone numbers... stick with the winners.

We all come in with baggage and you will be able to deal with your anxiety and fear with the help of others who have been through it.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

instant

I hope you can find a way forward. In my experience drugs "tell us" that they will make it all easier, when in fact the opposite turns out to be the case. Breaking free is challenging but worth it.

DayTrader

Great GREAT post my man. One, I'm personally NOT a fan of daily meetings. Around my area, it would be tough for ME to go daily and not reeeeally have to work on forgiveness, patience, and ignoring ppl who don't know better. Suffice it to say, unless you're blessed with fabulous AA in your area, it's better to hit a few good ones than a bunch of mediocre ones where all ppl do is sit around, tell their story of how much they drank and used or complain about their crappy day, then get up, drink a cup of coffee and go home.

Everything you described fits with AA's definition and NA's definition of alcoholic / addict. Your actual usage may not be through the roof yet but it's likely heading that way. Me, I didn't reallllllly start drinking until my mid to late 20's. Within 5-10 years though, I was right up there with the worst of them.

I had a bunch of mom issues, dad issues, brother issues, ex-wife issues....... job issues, money problems, motivation at work issues...... on and on and on. Cool thing though, when I started working the 12 steps.....and focused on my SPIRITUAL RECOVERY (.....again......I didn't focus on "not drinking one day at a time" - in AA we focus on your spiritual and mental sobriety)......ALL that other stuff fell into line......and most of it fell into place quickly.

Get involved.....make a commitment to yourself to work all 12 steps. If you want to know the truth, you can be through the first 8 in about an hour or less and you can be WELL on your way to a better and completely new life just as quickly. I've watched guys worse off than you RECOVER from alcoholism with a week or two. Go in one way.....a week or two later....you wouldn't hardly know it's the same guy. ......and here's the cool part, that "change" is guaranteed, IF you'll work it.

And if you don't......that's ok too. Maybe something else like RR will work. There are ppl here who work the hell outta that program too.

The bottom line is this: You CAN and WILL get better ASAP......there's no "requirement" to relapse, there's no need to take is slowly, there's no need to have a $hitty life....... being in a RECOVERED state totally kicks a$$.....and you can have it TODAY, if you want it today. And yes......you can recover TODAY.......no need to wait......but you can if you want to I guess.

wanttofeelok

Thanks for the quick replies. They all warmed my heart which says a lot right now. I'm unsure how I feel about AA/NA. I spent 3 months going to 1-3 AA meetings a day and it was hit or miss. I have gotten the most out of ACOA meetings that I attended while in rehab, and there is one relatively close to me but there were only 2 older women there every time I've gone so I've stopped going.

I definitely understand the spiritual work I have to do and gaining mental and emotional sobriety as being the real backbone of living a clean, sober life and not ending up a dry drunk. The AA meetings around here have not impressed me and I have yet to try out NA but I will once I find out where and when. Definitely need a sponsor and to begin using my phone everyday and working on me. Spent WAY too much time hiding in fear hoping things would work themselves out one day.

Time to find some new friends that are sober, that will invite me to do things that don't involve using drugs or enabling/tempting me. Ahhh, the people I avoided and felt were boring..the sober ones, are now the ones I'm looking for. How ironic!

DayTrader

Those meetings are out there my man.... we have to be willing to, sometimes, look allllllllllllllllllll over. I tell ppl if you can find ONE good one a week, you're doing great. One good meeting........a strong/solid sponsor equipped with a solution and the willingness to help you out......and you're off and running.

I'm NOT a fan of lots of meetings. Some ppl have used TONS of meetings to stay sober.....I find the more meetings I go to, the more I have to work on accepting other's defects, being patient, not holding grudges.....etc. lol. Sometimes, I think it takes a higher level of sobriety to be able to HANDLE a lot of meetings (unless you find a BUNCH of good ones around you).

And really.......you don't even need a good meeting. I got sober in middle-of-the-road hell......with a mediocre sponsor who meant well but wasn't really equipped with all the tools. Your sobriety is, as we hear in AA all the time, contingent upon the MAINTENANCE of your spiritual condition. Work the maintenance......and you're usually in good shape. .....that means, steps, book, help others, let go of prejudices and preconceptions, be loving and tolerant of others, so on and so forth. A good guide in this area is very beneficial......

NoTears

hey there Want To - hang in here with SR!

For me, those demons faded into the background after I quit being ****** up and started sleeping well.

Something about being strung out left me naked and the door was wide open for those demons so they walked with me every day as if it had all happened yesterday.

Made dealing with all the day-to day stuff seem unreal through the pain of a child.

Right now, they're just memories. Those things happened, and that will never change, but I only really even remember when it comes up in a movie or something.

And I guess I just now have the emotional wherewithal that all that pain doesn't burble up and paralyze me. Good, regular sleep is really underrated.

I know it seems like it will be harder to handle the demons straight, but for me at least, being sober/straight/whatever turned out to be the only way I CAN handle them. Funny, but true.

oh yeah, you are right to watch out for the ativan. benzo withdrawal opens the door too, and it takes a long, really uncomfortable time to get over those boogers. Then, magically, the anxiety ends.

Take care

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

I found meetings don't keep me sober, the steps do as I can use them 24 hours a day.

I wish you peace,