andisa

"So much to consider" resonates with me, loudly! It may be the best form of entertainment. Provided, that is, the thinking does not incapacitate and lead one to get stuck, either indecisive for the uncertainties or fearful of the possibilities.

Among the considerations in recent days was that of meditation. I stopped on multiple occasions to do as Lotus had suggested, simply stop and listen to my breathing. Then I started thinking about breathing. See it never stops.

I think I may have stumbled upon the very idea you pose, of "mindfulness." As I was digging worms with my son, to simply show him about worms, and be with him on a beautiful spring day, I thought that's about as close to meditation as I have accomplished. Simply being, living in the moment, and enjoying it at that moment, for what it is, nothing more. Imagine if every moment of every day could be so revered.

I will look into The Power of Now. I have not heard of it. Sounds curious, I'm intrigued.

andisa

Last week I came here in quite a disturbed state, and asked for help. You've all been so generous with your responses, ushering me through something of a desperate situation. Armed with all I've been given, taking so much encouragement along with me, I delve into this coming week with a feeling of strength. I'm under no illusions I'm any further than 50 feet down the road but I'm back in the right direction again. I owe you all a world of thanks.

sissy07

Andisa,

I have been following your thread, and although I haven't been a contributor to it, your dilemna is very familiar to me. You sound a lot better, and I admire you for your strength and ability to reach out for help. You deserve to be happy.

andisa

Hi Sissy, I continue on this long thread because I get something out of reading it each time through. There's a lot of valuable information provided, so I keep it going. Good to know what has been offered to me is of value to someone else.

Driving between jobs today I came across a billboard on which was posted:
"After all is said and done, much more is said than done."

I think they knew I'd be passing by today. I didn't quit with the cigarettes today as planned. It's more controlled but still present. I am working on that.

Again, the calming voice of soberandgodless."Don't hurry...no rush." I get antsy, wanting the work to be done so I can proceed on, bypassing the necessary work it takes to get to where I'm going.

I've pored over your three-step process today, reminded of it as I was frustrated with myself. "First you figure out where you are. Then you decide where you're going. Then you set out getting there."

I'm seeing where I am, and immediately set about getting there. Neglecting step 2, "decide where you're going." I'm not quite sure where I'm going yet. Nor how to get there. So I retreat the 50 feet I moved and start at the X. Maybe if I do things in order I can get somewhere. For each time I move toward the goal of "getting there" I never seem to get anywhere and end up lost again. After 20 years of doing this you'd think I'd see a pattern.

The little library here has on its shelves "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. I see some Jesus-speak in here but that doesn't necessarily dissuade me from examining the deeper points Tolle is making. Being raised strictly religious and then finding my own way without religion, I have a lingering sensitivity to text espousing the virtues of religion; that said, I have also realized that Jesus as a person exhibits admirable virtues worthy of recognition. So long as I'm not being preached religion I can work with what is written, and look forward to learning what this book has to offer.

Again, thanks for letting me spell this out. Writing gives it order, otherwise so much is free-floating disorganized thought.