OldRocker

Hello everyone, just came across this site and it looks like a friendly, helpful place to give and receive help


Here goes:


I'm a big fan of rock 'n' roll, have been in a few bands around England here and there for the past 30 years.

I started drinking heavily around 1980, and the wild excess and madness of the 80s rock scene seduced me (I was a part of what people call the 'hair metal' scene now) I quickly became a wreck. For the whole decade I was drinking around a half bottle/bottle of vodka a day, mixed with other substances. I gained weight, developed deep, puffy shadows around my eyes, developed high blood pressure, high liver enzymes and fluid retention. To this day I have a terrible short memory from the drink and the acid.

In 1990 my son was born and I tried to quit all the excesses. I inevitably failed and just managed to "water it down" a bit. When my son left home to work abroad four years ago, my wife and I started to drink again - a typical week being a couple bottles of vodka, one or two bottles of wine as well as going out at the weekends to either play or listen to local bands (drinking throughout the day, night and following day and night).

Anyway, we have only just managed to kick the drink again - but we are both only at 12 days sober. Holding each other up like crutches, although admittedly I was far worse than she ever was at the peak of my addiction around '85/86.

We are both sharing very similar withdrawal symptoms of fatigue, confusion and edginess, but one thing happened today that alarmed me - I woke up in the middle of the night to turn my sound system off, only to find it wasn't even turned on. I would have sworn my life that it was on.

I thought the worst of the withdrawal was over in three days, so how is this kind of thing happening?

Another major problem I have is with the music. It has been part of my life for the past 30 years and I refuse to shut it out for the sake of sobriety, rock 'n' roll is in my soul as they say (not to mentioned I earn a living from it). How can I still enjoy the music and the nights out without drinking?

Alot of my old drinking buddies from the 80s are dead. One was recently diagnosed with alcoholic cardiomyopathy.

Sorry for the autobiography

Ross

Sapling

Welcome to the site Ross....Not sure about the music part but I do know my brain wasn't right at day 12...I beat the hell out of it for a long time...Are you and your wife planning on working any kind of recovery program?...Get a little extra support?

OldRocker

thanks

We're going to see how it goes before thinking about extra help. It's very daunting to me, have seen so many friends go through this same process and it scares the hell out of me

Sapling

It should....It scared the hell out of me too...Glad you're here..

eJoshua

Thanks for sharing, Ross.

I've never dealt with recovering with a spouse or significant other, but I'm told it's very difficult and can easily lead to a downward spiral if you tend to encourage each other's bad behavior, whether explicitly or implicitly.

I do know that it's possible to be sober in situations and lifestyles where it's not the norm. I've seen people do it time and time again. I think you really have to make a plan and stick to it if you're going to be successful though, if you're just going along with good intentions but without a plan for recovery in place then you're going to have a difficult time staying sober when a buddy offers you a beer or a hit.

For me, my planning involves accountability -- I've setup a number of people in my life that I can remain accountable to and who I've trusted to ask me the tough questions when the time comes. I'm also working the 12 steps to help myself discover the 'whys' behind my drinking and deal with my stuff. I come here regularly for support and to help others -- which is a great support in and of itself. You'll have to find something that works for you and keeps you sober. Only you can determine exactly what the best method of staying sober is.

I do know those first few weeks are really tough. You might have to look at isolating yourself for a time from the bar scene, or from certain situations, but I don't think getting sober means we have to change who we are or what we are passionate about (that is, unless your only passion is drinking, lol.)

Best wishes,

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR

I don't think enjoying music and being sober are mutually exclusive. Plenty of people do both, even reporting that they enjoy it more.

That being said, I loved going to see live music, but I always associated going to a concert with getting hammered. When I quit drinking I knew I had to avoid going to shows as long as I thought it was going to trigger a relapse. It's been 18 months. I've been out to see music twice. I don't really miss it because now I'm not sure if it was the music, or getting drunk that was the draw.

Good luck.

OldRocker

thanks for the response, I'm definitely isolating myself from my "locals" until I can comfortably walk into a bar and not long for a drink.

The spouse point alarms me somewhat as we do live together and argue over mundane things even when not trying to quit.

Looks like i'll be looking into some sort of structure to try and make this stick once and for all, thanks for all the help so far people

With the music thing, the main point is that I am somewhat renowned for being the local "madman". If I walk in to a bar where people know me, drinks get thrust at me and some nostalgic song blasts on the jukebox. Looks like I will just have to not go in for a while until I feel I can resist the temptations

OldRocker

Today is a struggle for example, someone sent me a link to an old music video of a song I havent heard since my early 20s. I feel like immediately driving to the liquor shop, it's like "party mode" is switched on in my head.

doggonecarl

Such characterizations won't help your recovery. Time to reinvent yourself. A sober self.

eJoshua

I know what you mean, some songs still do that to me.

The good news is that these triggers, or whatever you want to call them, tend to lose their power over time. I'm at 11 months sober and there isn't much that brings back that desire, and when it does come it's fainter and easy to resist.

DayTrader

Hey Ross......welcome. I remember experiencing the same thing a couple times. I actually forgot about it till you brought it up. It only happened a handful of times but it stopped somewhere around a year or less.

You get recovered.....that's how. "not drinking" may be enough for you. For me, it wasn't enough. For a little while anyway (a couple months) I had to limit my exposure to stuff like concerts, bands at bars, etc cuz the obsession to drink would hit me pretty hard at those sorts of events. It was "suggested" I focus on the problem at hand (recovering from alcoholism / getting into the steps and the AA program) and that stuff like concerts, golf, and so on would straighten themselves out.

So....for a little while......I didn't do some of that old stuff but, just as I'd been promised, as I got more into and involved with recovery.....I found it easy to go back and do a lot of that "old" stuff but just do it in a new way. I won't say that it's necessarily better in every way.....but concerts, golf, and other things I enjoy are just as enjoyable albeit in a different way now.

Hevyn

Welcome OldRocker/Ross. Glad you joined the family. You're no longer alone with this. 12 days sober is great - but early in the game for you. Be patient with yourself.

I drank all my life and in the end was drinking 'round the clock. I couldn't imagine my life without it, but I knew I would die if I didn't stop. Getting older, we just can't keep going with that life style. I agree with DayTrader - take a break from the things that might put your sobriety in jeopardy. As you get stronger and healthier you can figure out whether to risk being around temptation. We're all different - I no longer feel sorry for myself, and wouldn't trade my new life for anything.

Proud of you for coming here and telling your story. You can do this, Ross.

Dee74

Hi OldRocker

I'm another old muso - my drinking defined me too. I wondered who I'd be sober because I literally had no idea.

Actually, I found a me I'm comfortable with - he's not at all what I expected but he is, genuinely, me, and I like him....

I like him better than the 'madman' to be honest....and others do too

I had to make changes in my life sure, but music is still very important to me - it's a constant in my life...I can listen to anything now and it just no longer makes me think of drinking...I accept now that the way I drank would kill me, and I'm not ready to pack my amp up yet

I recently started playing again after a long time away (other health related issues)...

I actually think I'm a better musician now because it's about the music - not the rock and roll lifestyle and I'm really glad I was able to finally see that distinction

If you're concerned about your health, or that of your wife - why not see the local GP? - at least you can put your mind to rest.

Welcome to SR

D

OldRocker

thanks for the kind words and encouragement, means a great deal.

sugarbear1

Have you heard of Pavlov's dog? It's Classical Conditioning. When Pavlov's dog heard a bell, he drooled because Pavlov had taught the dog that if he heard a bell he would be rewarded with a treat. The salivating was a natural response to anticipating the treat.....look it up.

You've conditioned yourself to associate music with drinking, try stopping the drinking, replace it with something else, and associate your music with that (what you replaced the drink with).

Tell those bar hounds you've decided to spare your body from old age since you want to listen to that rock n roll until you are well past 100 and have quit the drink--tell the bartender you're replacing the drink with soda.....

If you really want to quit, there are so many options to help you do this. If you can stop drinking and life is still wonderful, alcohol was the problem. If life sucks, AA has a new solution in the steps.

I wish you well!!

hypochondriac

It sounds like you're the kind of person that people in your local look up to. I doubt that people would give you a hard time for not drinking and seeing as you understand the negative effects of drinking maybe you'd make a good role model for others, show them how it's done. Sorry, that sounds a bit after school special, but this kind of lifestyle isn't sustainable and it isn't a bad thing to let that be known. Best of luck.

Zebra1275

Welcome!

A lot of old rockers get sober. Eric Clapton did and wrote a book about it.

Zee

I went out with a drummer in a local band for 4 years. It was my ritual as willing roadie to go to the pubs all around, listen to my fav covers, get ratted and mosh with the rest of the local fans (classic rock, my absolute fav music). I feel for you on that one because as yet, I haven't been to see a local live band since sobriety. I have been to pubs and felt no pull towards the drink. Its time... time is the healer. Try it, if its bad, then leave it for a bit when you feel stronger. Oh, the nostalgia... its flooding back... led zep, deep purple..... jedward (JOKE!!)

flutter

Welcome There's a few old rockers 'round here.. This is a wonderful place to find support!

OldRocker

Well you pretty much described my social life there, haha

I play in a Sabbath cover band (Ozzy years) and looked up to Ozzy as a hero, thinking I could ingest the same crap he did for years and come out unharmed. Now that he's sober, I think "well if Ozzy can do it anyone can". He's still a hero of mine of course, but I don't pretend to be his drinking equal any more, haha