Tulips77

Words can't even describe how mad I am at myself and I'm in a really really dark place right now. Made a fool out of myself on Saturday and I've wanted to crawl into a hole ever since. I'm so depressed and low and I don't see myself getting out of it.

Sapling

I know that all to well Tulips...All to well. What have you tried and not tried to get out of that dark place?

Tulips77

I'm going to go for a run today but I'm at work right now. Despair is all I can feel now. Despair and defeat.

Sapling

I use the program of AA...It took me one meeting to give me hope...I had none before that....There are other ways you can try...I just know what works for me.

sugarbear1

just start again. weak, but it will change. after your run, do something for you--clean or repair something, then take a warm bath.

glad you are still around!

InsertNameHere

I have been there Tulip and recently at that. You can recover, it will take time, and effort, but you can do it.

Dee74

I know it might seem like you'll always feel this way right now, Tulip, but you won't.

Get back on the recovery horse, figure out where you went wrong, and start doing things right again today - the more days you do things rightm and find meaning and purpose in living sober, the less you'll feel that despair - I guarantee it

D

Jitterbugg

Hi Tulips,
One of the reasons I keep coming back to this site is because it reassures me that I am not alone in the shame and guilt I feel from my transgressions. Take comfort in the fact that what ever happened the other night, it was not your true person acting out. I thought I burned a lot of bridges through my drinking, but I have spoken to some old friends and acquaintances who really don't remember me making a fool of myself. Probably because they have done something stupid or they have seen others act like idiots too!

CaiHong

Hi Tulip,
You reminded me what it was like when I had got drunk in public and embarrassed myself, the shame and remorse would go on for days. I could not trust myself to go out and preferred to drink at home alone.
I never want to go back to that again, ever.
I stay sober with the help of this forum and the AA program.
Did you relapse?
caiHong

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Tulips. Defeat is underrated. Defeat is the place where recovery starts. So cut yourself some slack. You came here. That means you still have some fight in you. Remember, every single person who ever escaped addiction was, at first, addicted. You can absolutely escape it too.

Amy2011

As they say in AA, "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." I too have felt that overwhelming guilt, fear, embarrassement, and remorse. The great thing is I haven't felt that way in almost a year when I committed my self to recovery and AA. I didn't feel better overnight, but slowly day by day I began to feel better when I stopped using alcohol to escape from the endless cycle of drinking, shame, and more drinking to escape from the shame. If you stick with recovery things will get better. I am still amazed everyday that I don't have to use alcohol to hide from myself anymore. Find a recovery path, commit to it, and things will improve with time. Best of luck.

johnny2times

tulips, ive been where you are now and i know how you feel, try not be too hard on yourself, many of us have had a slip, its not the end of the world, just get back on the wagon thats the main thing and hey theres a positive that can be pulled out of every negative...look at it like this: in an odd way ..its actually quite good your in this position now, as theres only one way from there (rock bottom) and that is UP!
theres nothing quite like a painful relapse to put everything in prospective and give you a sense of clarity (though i wouldnt recommend it, no one needs to go that far)
best wishes tulips i'll be thinking of ya, let us know how you are doing

strawberrygirl

Thank you for sharing this. I had over five months sobriety and recently relapsed. Dark and lonely place indeed. I think it's really brave of you to reach out.

Dee74

Welcome to SR strawberrygirl - you'll find a lot of support here

D

instant

Those negative feelings can feed the idea that it is too hard, or that you can never do it. I have now found that it is possible if you keep giving it a go. We can learn from every fallback.

Gr8ful4Life

Wow, reading that really had me reflecting on that hopeless state of existence...

I have so been there and know exactly where you're at. It does get better, it seems like it never will but it does... little by little it gets so much better.

One of the counselors when I was in treatment would always tell me (probably because he saw how miserable I was) That to fix my low self esteem I needed to do something esteem-able... I felt like smacking him in the head when he told me that, but I do see his point now.

Just don't give up.

In some strange way I know I would not be where I am today if not for that very low, hopeless spot in my life.

Don't give up.

Tulips77

Thank you so very much for reaching out to me and lifting me up during this very dark time. I am feeling better and a bit more hopeful today. It amazes me how I am my own worst enemy and I would rather flog myself endlessly than learning how to forgive myself. It's such a struggle. It's day 3 and I'm looking into AA meetings to stay sober (so terrifying to me). But I realized that I can't do this any other way.

You are all blessings. Thank you so much.

DayTrader

I found that stopping drinking was tough enough but what I was left to face/deal with - my head........ that was a little more than I wanted to take on.

Shame, self HATRED, being disgusted with myself on the regular...... I could go on and on an on. The ONLY..and I mean ONLY thing that worked on that stuff was applying the principles I learned in AA to my thinking about myself. It took me a while to learn how to surrender and accept my thinking.....to trust some God out there could and would help me, to turn my thinking over to some HP's care and protection.......and to then live and act as that HP would have me be........

I was seeing a hiiiiiiiiighly trained professional along the way too. She absolutely helped save my life - not from alcohol but from alcoholism. AlcoholIMS can kick you a$$ whether you're drinking or not. And that's the kind I have...the kind that doesn't stop when the drinking stops. As much as she helped though.....and she'd concur.....it was the AA program that finally taught me how to live life happily, WITH power, and to be free from the maaaaaaaaassive hatred I had for myself.

anytime you wanna talk Tulips, feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to go into greater detail if you're interested.

sugarbear1

I wish you well, tulips!

(My word "weak" was about my response. In the beginning or when I've relapsed or slipped, I was in such a dark place. How do you let someone, someone who is in that dark place, know it changes? "just start again." What a weak statement, but it DOES change, sometimes it just takes some action. I was scared to death to get to a meeting, but mostly from my self-centered fears. Once I got to a meeting and sat and listened, a few times, I realized we were all there for the same reason. Then the real work had to start--call people, find a sponsor, work the steps--the steps were and are the changing point for me)

3 days! After today, you can get through 3 more!