SarahK2012

Hi all,

First time posting on any forum, and taking a step towards sobriety

I've been drinking since I was 14, (I'm 29 now) and come from a family of alcoholics, so it is going to be very hard for me to not drink especially at family/social occasions. I live miles away from my family, and only see them once a year. Even my father who suffers massive health problems from drinking still drinks though he has been told it will kill him.

Since I started drinking I have had nights regularly where I black out and end up vomiting the whole next day.

I drink about 3/4 to a full bottle of wine a night (usually alone), this has been cut down from 1 - 1.5 bottles a night, then if I go out, no matter how hard I try (drinking water in-between/not drinking wine/consciously trying to monitor when I am drunk) I still end up frequently blacking out and doing the most awful, embarrassing things. I often spend Saturday/Sundays in bed dying from shame and embarrassment and worried sick about what I have done.

My family and friends all think my drinking is OK, even when I am in tears about what I could have done the night before they say this happens to everyone now and again and that I don't need to worry. My partner doesn't drink much and doesn't really understand the problem, he always offers ideas to me of how to control it but they never work.

Problem is that I am really worried because I know how much effort and how hard I am really trying to control this and it just always creeps back up and bites me in the bum.

Last week I had the chance to work from home, and drank over a bottle of wine each day by myself, I can hide it so well from my partner who doesn't even know how much I drink.

I have a really good job, beautiful house and loving partner, and enjoy nothing more than the first few glasses of wine in the sun or with dinner. Its just what happens past that point I can't cope with. I am so struggling to imagine how I will be able to go out and not enjoy a glass of wine with friends, and worry about how boring/quiet I will be without a drink. But can't continue living this way, so really do need to do something to change my life and patterns of behaviour.

I am getting married in December 2012, and worry about not being able to drink with my family and friends, but equally what will happen if I do! Although if I really think about it before an occasion I can usually go out and control my drinking, but when a drinking session is sprung on me, or the situation changes (ie a few drinks in we decide to go to a party I had not mentally prepared myself for) then I end up absolutely wasted.

When I blackout, my body seems to still run on auto pilot, I do the most horrible things, and then my friends say my body just KO's and I can't speak/walk etc, thats when they usually decide to take me home.

It is hard to change when everyone around me says I don't need to, and wills me to drink, but deep down I know how much of a problem this has become, and I want to stop it before I wake up with my ring missing and in someone else's bed, with no recollection of how I got there. I also want to stop because I want to have a baby after I marry, and I am so worried about giving up alcohol for that that I think I should give up now to prepare myself.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah.

BillyPilgrim

Sarah, welcome.
My immediate advice would be seek out an AA meeting , and just sit down and listen to people around you. A quick google will find a meeting near you.
Keep posting, you have admitted a problem, the next step is to take control

desertsong

Welcome, Sarah! Glad to have you here. Sounds like a change is definitely in order; I agree with Billy, AA is a great place to start if you're willing. You have a lot of great things happening in your life and so much to look forward to with a wedding, starting a family, etc. This is the perfect time to "get your house in order."

You will find much support here!

sugarbear1

Welcome!

Anna

Welcome!

It's very scary to know you have to give up alcohol when you've been depending on it for a long time. I couldn't imagine going through a day and not using alcohol to cope. But, I did it and you can too. And, I no longer care about whether or not people think I'm interesting/amusing. I don't socialize as much as I used to, and I am very okay with that.

Have faith that you can do this.

jstar

Your story is soo familiar to my own. Some differences, but many alike. I've walked in & out of the revolving doors or AA for the last 2 years and I am finally getting serious at 32 years old.

I've experienced the horrible blackouts & what AA refers to as incomprehensible demoralization. It is a progressive pattern. What used to be occasional drinking at parties turned into nightly glasses of wine...which turned into cocktails in the afternoon after all the kids were picked up from school....which let to cocktails every evening celebrating a good day or bitching over a bad day at work....which became me starting to plan out my drinking & throwing more bbq's & parties as an excuse for a drinking opportunity to get totally smashed...this turned into me filling coffee to go mugs, half full redbull & pepsi cans with vodka or rum to take with me to bowling or kids softball games or events where there may not be alcohol available. I started throwing back 2 or 3 shots or cocktails while getting ready to go to dinner,bbq, wedding (insert your choice of any event here). I would convince all my friends to pick me up for parties so i could ensure i could drink as much as I wanted. Then the blackouts started and I found myself having to ask my friends what we did the night before. I would be hungover for days at this point whereas before I never used to get much of a hangover at all.

My husband & friends have said the same words to me & suggested ways I could cut back. My husband would say just cut back & sometimes give me a date in the future to stay sober until. My girlfriends wanted me to stay their drinking buddy...I was the life of the party...the bartender at the parties & could hold my liquor as good as the guys we were drinking with.

No one around me could understand, but I knew my drinking was out of hand. If I was a normal drinker it wouldn't be an issue to go for weeks or more not drinking...but the thought of not being able to, scared me. How could I possibly do this..go there....dance...go camping...etc etc without alcohol. It was that important to me.

The last few months have been selfish & sneaky for me. I bought small airline size bottles I would hide in my dresser drawers, bottles under my bathroom sink and in my closet. I couldn't live with the idea of not drinking again. This is what makes "me" an alcoholic.

I wish you the best of luck whatever direction you decide to go! I'm coming from only a few days standpoint of being sober, but I think i'm finally ready to give myself, my husband and my 4 kids the wife & mother they deserve to have.

This is just my story, in so many ways, your post just spoke to me....sorry for writing a novel in response

eJoshua

Welcome Sarah!

I'm glad you found us. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you stick around

Hevyn

Hi Sarah! Glad you joined us. We all understand how you feel. I could never imagine living without my 'friend' alcohol by my side. My entire life revolved around it - but I don't know why. In the end I was miserable drinking - it was no longer fun or an escape. There was no more high or euphoric feeling, & all it was bringing me was pain. I can't believe it took me so long to realize I was being destroyed.

You've reached the point where your drinking is unpredictable, possibly even dangerous. I tried for years to control what I drank by using willpower. It took me a long time to admit once I took those first few sips anything could happen, and I'd be helpless to control it. I think it's great that you're taking a hard look at what alcohol is doing to you. You have so much to look forward to - you don't need to get numb to enjoy your life. Congratulations on reaching out for help. We're here for you.

hypochondriac

Welcome Sarah, you'll find lots of help here. It sounds like you've already discovered that drinking is a problem for you. I too tried for years to control my drinking but it didn't work for me. Have you thought about ways of helping you stay sober? I'm very early in recovery and still have that fear you mention but I'm working on that with AVRT. Stick around here and I'm sure you'll do great

Lorax2719

Hi Sarah,

I'm new here too and similar to you - 28, come from a family of alcoholics. I try not to drink during the week but I can easily finish half to 3/4 bottle of wine without feeling even a headache the next day and I frequently blackout and embarrass myself on the weekends.

My friends say things like "You're fine, it happens, don't worry" and I listen to them but now I'm starting to feel like it's not fine, it shouldn't happen, i should worry.

I don't even really look forward to it anymore, I'm just always out with my friends and family and coworkers, having a beer here, a beer there. I usually can control myself until I catch the slightest buzz, and then it's over.

All my friends think I'm fun and outrageous and the life of the party, so it's easy to get all caught up in that.

Let me know if you ever just need to talk. I understand how hard the first steps are. Good luck!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Sarah

I discovered what my friends thought didn;t mater half as much as what I thought - I knew I had a problem and when I eventually, belatedly, decided to do something about it, that was one of the best decisions of my life

great to have you with us

D

SarahK2012

Thank you for all your replies, it means a lot and makes it much easier to deal with knowing that others are going through the same thing. Glad we can do this together.

instant

In retrospect I think one of the addictions greatest pillars is that feeling of dread I used to get when I imagined going without, especially at the thought of never again.

I am now 10 months into sobriety and I now see all the fears of sobriety I had as one part lack of experience in that area (LOL) and secondly a type of emotional mirage induced by my addiction to alcohol. I must admit though if someone would have told me that I would not have believed them.

Sobriety is a new way of living that is free of torment and struggle.

gaffo

Sobriety, with all it's cravings and discomfort, is truly easier than being a drunk. You'll see. "Damn it, I really want a drink!" is so much more manageable than "What the heck did I do last night?" In half an hour or less it passes and you don't have a hangover. Also, don't worry about being sober at your wedding. It's not like you're going to regret remembering it (I hope!).

hcd

Just 10 days in and there are lots of hard things about not drinking (St. Pat's day was loooong) but you're so right: We always think about how inconvenient it would be to do things another way, but never think about all the built-in stresses in our existing, bad routines. And there's huge upsides in not worrying about blacking out, how to get home, and what did I spend all that money on. Thank you.

Bonnie1

Hello Sarah. I'm new here too.

langkah

'I want to stop it before I wake up with my ring missing...I also want to stop because I want to have a baby after I marry...I should give up now to prepare myself.'

I agree with your reasoning . It would indicate that you can't stop if you don't stop with all these many good reasons.

Not that you'll ever need it, but having a plan ready might be smart if now that you've looked things over and decided not to drink, you drink anyway.

I really hated going back to motels for my wedding ring. Since the cleaning people are loathe to give back found gold it can get unpleasant. You may not be capable of being unpleasant enough.

Stopping now will avoid that predicament. But if you decide later on that having a few drinkies is the right and good idea, then standing outside the cleaner's room shouting 'Migra' repeatedly as loudly as you can may solve your little ring problem.

flutter

Welcome. I blacked out a lot too. Scary stuff.

You wrote:
See the craziness in that? One of many changes I had to make to support my recovery was the people who were toxic and in total contradiction to my new life. It's not easy, but very possible.

Glad you're here, we understand.

Holly7

Your story sounds so similar to mine, I am 27, I have been married for 5 years. My husband and and don't have kids yet but we want them at some point. I too was drinking a bottle of wine 3-4 days a week on my own before my husband got back from work. He was shocked to find out how much I was actually drinking when i came clean with him about my problem. I managed to hide it well most days. I have been sober 15 days today and I can tell you it gets better. Even though it has only been a short amount of time, I look back on where I was heading with my addiction and I am so glad I am not in that routine anymore. At the start I questioned if I had hit rock bottom, but I soon discovered that I didnt want to find out what rock bottom was. I too still ave a wonderful marriage, my house, live a very comfortable life and have never been in any trouble with the law. But I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and if I continue to drink I will start to loose everyting around me. I have only been to one AA meeting in the 15 days I have been sober. It was really overwhelming for me, so I decided to work them my therapist instead. I am open to going to another meeting if I need to. Keep posting on here, it definitely helps. When I first joined here I was looking for someone with a familiar story to mine, there are a lot of people on here with your story. Message me if you need to vent or chat. Good luck! You can do it!!!

SarahK2012

Yes posting on here definitely helps. I haven't been to a meeting yet, but this forum and all your messages are truly helping. Such a good idea to compare the difficulty and pain involved with 'Damn I want a drink' to the hideous 'oh god, what did I do last night', the first is so much easier in my opinion so this is a really good way to look at the situation. I've got so many good ideas from these posts, thank you all.

Day three and the evening craving for wine is strong. I'm letting myself eat and drink all the things I usually abstain from instead. Crisps, pasta, fizzy drink and a cream egg haha Figure you can't be too hard on yourself when detoxing from alcohol and deserve a little something in return. Wedding diet will have to wait! this is much more important

This morning I felt dizzy and full of nerves, not quite as bad as a hangover but quite disconcerting none the less. Not sure if it was due to an office move or withdrawal, but I'm hoping and I think this will get easier.