desertsong

It is very hard to quit drinking when you live with another heavy drinker/alcoholic. My husband is also an alcoholic, and while for the moment he is sober, there are no guarantees for the future. I hope he stays that way, but who knows.

Meantime, I've learned the hard way that my sobriety is not dependent upon him and upon what he does. It was easy to blame him for the times when I "slipped," but the truth is, I made the choice to drink. It was hard to stay sober when there was always alcohol in the house and when I was sitting next to someone who was doing shots of whiskey. Our "drinking" relationship was much like yours and your husband's ... we were drinking buddies. I'm not going to lie to you, it was FUN. We'd talk for hours, laugh, enjoy each other. But it eventually got out of hand and something had to change. First, it was me. Now it's him. Time will tell.

Be prepared for some changes - things can get weird in a relationship when one spouse quits drinking and the other continues. If you ever want to talk about any of these things, please feel free to PM me, as it would take too long to explain what I mean on this thread. In any event, I'm happy you've decided to make this change in your life and I wish you all the best. Welcome to SR.

DayTrader

Admitting there's a problem with your drinking is a BIG step. 3 DUI's and I could just barely begin to consider it. DUI's and excessive drinking are one thing though......alcoholic drinking and alcoholism are something more.

In AA we've used the same "definition" for decades.....because it seems to work for us. :
1. When you START to drink....when you have that first one or two....does it light something up in you that tells you you'd like to have another, and another? When drinking, is one or two enough or do you usually want more? When you've started drinking, can you always control the amount you drink (or do you sometimes drink more than you intended to drink)? That's the physical craving for more once you start. It's just like your craving for oxygen.....so long as you're getting it, you feel fine. Cut off the supply while you're getting it.....and you notice that craving pretty quickly.

2. Now we'll cover when you're NOT drinking....
When you honestly want to stop.....can you? When you decide "I'm not gonna do it today," can you stick to it? Can you, when you're sober at the time, decide not to drink and....from that position of sobriety, follow through with your resolution? So in #1 we covered that craving for more once you start....this one covers the mental obsession to drink when we're not drinking.

3. Forgetting the drinking times......and forgetting the times when you're working on not drinking (in other words, the times other than 1 and 2 above)..how's life going? How's work? How's the family? How do you feel - relaxed, ok, at peace........or do little things start to irritate you, do you feel like life's just getting heavier and heavier, does it seem like the pressure is building? When my life was like that.....I tended to remember why I liked drinking in the first place, then I'd remember that resolution......but could usually come up with a reason to ignore it.....which got me started on drink #1....which set off the craving for more......BAM....another drunk afternoon, night, and/or weekend.....or week.

I've seen dozens of "20 questions," "12 questions," and so on...... I never trusted those results and I usually lied my way through the tests...lol. The 3 questions/principles I posted above though, are what AA has used since the 30's and they're completely reliable.

FWIW, if you can identify with #1, it's almost a sure thing you're an alcoholic.......and yeah, it bummed me out too. .........that is, until I started doing something about my alcoholism and found recovery in AA. Now......if I could go back to my old lifestyle AND control my drinking - I wouldn't trade it for the lifestyle I have now. Not drinking is one thing.....getting a whole new mind and a whole new life - that's what AA is for.

asimplelife

Yes, I feel the cravings. I haven't had a drink for two days because I am telling myself I don't need it. Today, I feel like one glass of wine wouldn't hurt. I am trying to tell myself that I am fine because I went two days without it. What do I want from it? That initial sip when you sit back in your chair and think, "Ah, everything is going to be all right."

Is it definitely hard to relax in the evening without it. The past two nights I have just sort of roamed the house, moving things around, cleaning up a bit.

He comes home tomorrow morning. He has been traveling for business. I emailed him this morning and told him that I decided to take a break from drinking for a month and dry out. I told him that it is hindering my weight loss and that I am starting to notice broken blood vessels in my nose and I am not able to work out so much when I drink. I told him that I am not pressuring him to take a break although I would like that, but for sure I didn't want him to buy a lot to have around the house. I guess I set up the scene for his return.

I am already having that nagging feeling of what is the harm? I guess if I can't quit for thirty days then THAT in itself is the harm. Boo.

DayTrader

^^^^^^I think you're referring to the "mental obsession" - that thing that tells you to START drinking.

Craving is what happens once you've STARTED drinking....the craving for more once you have one or two.

........and it's wise of you to let him in on what you're doing. Whether he gets involved in sobriety or not is, of course, up to him and has NO bearing on your own..

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You wi find some great people here with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) to share.

Based on our time difference I suspect you are somewhere in the same time zone as Japan. Here is the International page of AA World Services, with all countries listed on it. Click on the country you are in and check out if there are any English Speaking Meetings in your area:

Alcoholics Anonymous : International General Service Offices

If you or your husband are affiliated with a military base there will be a meeting or two or more on the base.

If not the above link should get you started on possibly finding an English speaking AA meeting.

Here is the AA Big Book on line that you can read:

Big Book On Line

Here's the web site for CBT Recovery:

cbtrecovery

Here's the web site for SMART Recovery:

Self Help Substance Abuse &amp Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

Here's the web site for Rational Recovery/AVRT:

https://rational.org/index.php?id=1

The above will give you research work to do to see which method/program you feel would help you now. Just remember whatever you, this will be probably the hardest thing you have ever tried in your life. Recovery will require your ALL.

However, since you feel that alcohol has become a problem and that you have a drinking problem, than one of the above should be of assistance to help you in this endeavor, and of course, Sober Recovery also.

Here at SR we are open 24/7 and it seems that all hours of the day and/or night around the world there are folks here on line, lol

So, again WELCOME, I am glad and grateful that you found us.

Love and hugs,

asimplelife

Thank you so much. I am humbled by the support here.

jstar

I am new to sobriety & have checked out AA meetings for about 2 years. I understand how you feel right now about thinking of how can I possibly enjoy a bbq without a beer or a cocktail...I am just 4 days in, I think finally conceding & it scares the hell out of me. But I see so many people at AA & this forum is pretty neat, tons of support!

I am 32 & am realizing I have already spent over 15 years drinking & its gotten progressively worse the last 2 years.

If you want it, the support is out there. If you aren't sure you're an alcoholic, go to an "open" meeting that anyone can attend. If nothing else, enjoy a cup of coffee & just listen to what others have to say.

Good luck!

FlyerFan

In my experience when one partner has a problem it is extremely helpful if the both of you do not drink, or at least do not drink around him and don't bring anything in the house. I am alcoholic and my boyfriend is not, so I asked him not to bring any booze in the house and he is okay with that. But he has not had a drink since I went sober as well.

sugarbear1

That initial sip when you sit back in your chair and think, "Ah, everything is going to be all right."

WOW! I know that feeling Oh So Well! It's in the AA textbook Laurie gave the link to the online version above. That instant relief can now be found by working the steps of the AA program, the new relief. It's out there and available!

Stay stopped!! You can do this!

Pigtails

Welcome. I admire your open mind and willingness. I think it's great that you are separating your own issues from those of your husband's. Concentrate on you and what's best for you. I think just popping into AA and seeing what it's like would be great for you, if you can find one in your area/language. My therapist suggested I go check out AA and it was the best advice I've ever been given. Best of all, AA is free, and now I use it instead of the expensive therapist. All the best to you. You can do this. A life without alcohol seems scary at first but is incredibly rewarding.