soberstruggles

Hello,

I have been lurking on the site for awhile and finally took the plunge and joined.

A little about myself: I'm a pretty average 32 year old male; I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful 1 year old son; I hold down a decent job in the corporate world; I am an avid reader, sports fan, music lover, and movie enthusiast; and for some strange reason, I pretend to like the outdoors and tea a lot more than I actually do.

I have been struggling with alcohol for that past 10 years or so and have tried to quit drinking no fewer than 20 times. I've tried everything: only drinking with friends, only drinking with my wife, only drinking light beer, only drinking (a few) micro brews, only drinking wine with dinner, only drinking three drinks on any given night, only drinking four drinks on any given night, only drinking in social situations, only drinking at home...do you see a pattern?

Each time I have broken my own rules. I have made every excuse and justification you can think of, yet I always end up in the same place: miserable and in bed. I'm one of those depressives, in which a hangover engulfs me like a fog and lasts for upwards of five days. It zaps my energy and strips by ability to be a good husband, father, employee, and really, a functioning member of society.

These cycles are always the same, except sadly, they are starting to happen closer together. Here is the Reader's Digest version: relapse after anywhere from three weeks to six months sober; convince myself that I can handle a few drinks; successfully handle a few drinks like a responsible adult; wake up thinking, "okay, maybe I can do this"; within one week, have a drinking binge out with friends, usually ending up by myself at a local casino; arrive home between 3-5a.m. to a (rightfully) furious wife; pass out after consuming at least 1500 calories; and wake up with the familiar shame, guilt, embarrassment, and more empty promises.

WASH, RINSE, REPEAT

Here's the strange part: ask my closest friends, and they would tell you that I don't have a drinking problem. Here's what they don't know: the amount of time I spend obsessing about alcohol.

See, I'm not one of those so-called "problem drunks." I don't get mean and I handle my beers very well. I've never been into hard liquor, and for the most part, I kept my nose pretty clean. For this I am thankful, and yet, strangely, it makes it harder to convince myself I have a drinking problem. But herein lies the problem: I can't stop stop drinking

I have gone the AA route before, but it's just not for me. I almost feel silly sitting in those rooms sharing my problems on the heels of someone saying that they just got out of jail. Don't get me wrong: it's not than I am better than the people in AA. I'm not. In fact, I am a full believer in the big book and think the AA message is sound. It's just that in order for me to stick with something, I need to relate.

Oh, the other thing I didn't like about AA: listening to people gush about the virtues of sobriety. Let me clarify: I believe a joyous, exciting, fulfilling life can be achieved by those who abstain from alcohol. But I also need to be honest with myself and say that I think it's incredibly hard to obtain. Hence the title of this blog.

This time around I am seeing an alcohol counselor once a week and starting to take anti-depressants again. I have really mixed feeling about anti-depressants, but at this point, I am willing to try anything.

In our first session, the counselor posed an interesting challenge: stop drinking for an entire year. He made the point that with all these cycles, a person would need at least a year to get a good idea of how alcohol impacts their life. So I agreed. And not sheepishly, either. I have quit for seven months in the past, why not a year? Aim high, right?

Sorry for the long-winded post and thanks for listening.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you have decided to live a sober life. Yes, it is hard at first, but it's also very rewarding. I think you will be able to relate to people here and I hope that you continue to read and post.

By the way, it's often very difficult for others to understand alcoholism, and therefore input from friends and families can be confusing. You know for yourself that this is a problem and that's all that matters.

sugarbear1

Welcome!

Have you read about AVRT or SMART recovery methods? Something can help you!

Glad you are here!

(this letter sounds like one that would have been written to Bill W. way back in the 1930's, sorry, was just reading about AA history. the solution is in the steps, NOT the meetings, which only exist so the newcomer may find AA)

DayTrader

Seems like you completely missed the point of AA....but that's OK. I did too my first handful of exposures to it.

I hope you're plans work out but I've not seen similar plans work for others.......just a cautionary statement, don't take it personally. If it does.....great.....if it doesnt, AA will still be around if you're interested in doing what we do.

LDT

I can relate completely. "Normies" don't obsess over alcohol. But I did. I thought about it constantly......when I would drink, how much, would it be at every event I went to, did I have enough money with me to buy more if I ran out, could I sober up in time for work.......it was truly the object of my affection and obsession and it was exhausting!! I think I would take your counselor up on his challenge. Why not......sounds like nothing else is working. I'm almost 14 months sober and I still can't believe how much my thinking has changed. Right now I know a year sounds like an eternity, but I found it went by so much more quickly than I had originally thought. I'm not in AA, and I hope I'm not "gushing".....but life is really exceptional these days!

BillyPilgrim

Hi soberstruggles, have you stolen my identity, have I entered a parallel universe. They say you will hear your story one day, and that is perhaps me.
I do go to AA, but can understand your reluctance about it. I think they do great things, and it keeps me anchored to realise I have a problem. I have found much more success in SR.
You can but in as much as you want here, and someone is here to answer you (they dont do that in a share)
Whatever works with your recovery, I like the outdoors and tea, I put tea in my cup now, and am starting to bore for Britain on green, black and white tea. That is one of my problems out of the way, I can drink something sophisticated, lets face it, cola with food sucks.
Keep coming back, keep chatting, sober is better, and I have managed it here.

yo466

Struggles-

Congrats on joining this site and looking for some support. I have been sober for about 18 months, and like you I was a binge drinker. Also what struck me about your post is you said that your friends thought you didn't have a problem. It took me about 18 years of various cycles to finally quit for good and I finally realized that it didn't matter if others had a problem, it mattered that I thought I had a problem.

I still hit times when I think about drinking, for instance, yesterday was a beautiful day, St. Patrick's day and the NCAA tournament is on, all a perfect storm for me to have a beer. I didn't because I am not throwing away all I have done with my sober time. I am a sports fan, so I try to think of it as a streak, like Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak. I am not going to break my streak and you shouldn't either. Good luck to you on your journey.

gr8fl2aa

I can relate with where you are at. Eventually I could not go without drinking for more than a day, so you have that to look forward too.

I can also relate with poorly run (imo) AA meetings where people start whinning about things that they need to be discussing in private with their sponsor. I've seen them stopped in their tracks before and taken them into another room for some one (or two) on one time and to free the meeting up for whatever path it should be on.

Meetings, a issue I am in turmoil over myself. That's another subject - this is supposed to be all about you, let me get back on track.

Oh, "listening to people gush about the virtues of sobriety", sure there are many virtues of sobriety, but life on lifes terms just sucks sometimes, let's be honest.

And learning how to deal with it is, well, challenging.

But today, I can honestly say that a bad day sober is truly better than a good day drunk.

I wish you the best, I had a killer coporate job too, lost it after I got sober, took a long time to realize that was another one of the best things that could of happened too me, but it was and still sometimes does hurt.

Upward and onward, if you ever get up to Missouri (KC area), look me up.

Good luck with whatever it is you decide, at least you know you've got a problem.

That's a start.

eJoshua

Thanks for your honest post and thank you for sharing your story.

I would definitely recommend checking out one of the other recovery methods if AA just doesn't feel right for you. There are a lot of paths to sobriety, and I'm glad you have examined yourself enough to know what will work for you and won't.

There is a lot of support here as well. I would definitely use SR as a resource for support, regardless of what else you may do.

Whatever you do, dont listen to anyone else who says you don't have a problem. The temptation would be to start to agree with them and before you know it you will end up being one of those guys at the AA meeting, fresh out of jail. Alcoholism certainly seems to be progressive from everything I've seen, so if you let it go unchecked it will only get worse. I'm glad you have recognized your problem and are ready to do something about it before it truly gets out of control.

Getting sober requires some lifestyle changes for sure. This was true for me as a daily drinker, but I'm sure it's equally if not more true for binge drinkers like yourself. You have to change your idea of what a good time is. You probably will have to change some friends. Do whatever you have to do to keep sober though.


Anyways, enough rambling. Welcome to SR, I hope to hear more of your story.

gplmdyw

Have you considered going to meetings, perhaps in another town, where you can find people you identify with more? Sometimes I go to street level meetings in the city, even at shelters, now that I carry the message and have been sober a long time. But I also enjoy going to meetings where I can find other independent, educated people of my gender. There is a fit for everyone.
And you're right, this does take hard work. Anything worthwhile does. it's really about acceptance.
the last thing the big book tells us is to not allow "contempt prior to investigation" to overrule our thinking. And in order to overcome contempt prior to investigation, it takes a number of tries, not just 3 or 6 or even 12. With someone as stubborn as me, it took more.
Best of luck.

Hevyn

Welcome struggles. Your situation is almost exactly like my husbands (now deceased). At 32 we had a little son too. My husband's drinking was becoming unpredictable. He went from enjoying a few beers to being completely dependent on it. Yes, it took years for this to happen - but in the end he lost me and our son, his job, our house, his health, his life. The difference is, you're admitting that you possibly can't drink at all. He never did that. If he had, things would be so different today.

Ejoshua is so right - alcoholism is progressive. Leaving it unchecked could cost you everything that matters in your life. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic - I was once married to someone just like you. There is hope and a beautiful life after alcohol. I hope you'll keep posting - we want to help.

dorito281211

I too often felt weird sharing right after the guy that just or had lost everything. That's why, the stories, all important, should never be compared. Cause guess what? We are all perhaps one relapse away from loosing everything. Cause in the end, regardless of when we came to recovery, either before or after it got bad, we all have one thing in common, the thing that makes us alcoholics-the obsession of the mind, to drink. The insane thought that one day we could drink like normal people, we cannot.
My wife brought to my attention the other day "when you came back from your 90day deployment you drank more than ever before". Proving this disease is progressive, weather we are drinking or not. I was gone, removed from booze for over 3 months, and upon drinking again I was worse than ever. This proves to me why those that relapse, often they are BAD-many times way worse off than they had ever drank before.
And yes, ignore your friends that say you don't have a problem, they aren't you. Many of my friends that told me that are now realizing now that THEY have a problem with booze.
You say AA is not for you, I think it can be. As the book says "be willing to give yourself freely to this simple program". Whatever way you choose to quit, don't go in half-assed.
Also, it's not the quantity of sobriety that matters, but the quality. You say you made it 7 months, why not a year? Irrelevant! You were on the wagon, this is NOT a road to permanent recovery.
I don't look to the future, tomorrow, next week. ALL I know, is through the fellowship of AA (most of which for me is via the Internet!) God, I know I will not drink today, and just for today I can remain sober-thats what matters. I am at 81 days today, but more importantly, I am sober today, by the grace of God and fellowship of AA.
Remember, recovery is a program of action, knowledge will buy you little to nothing. You say you have a problem? Fine, move to action and do something about it.

Bruno1979

Sounds very familiar to myself,

This is my first post too,

I hope this forum can help me. I am based in the UK, are there any other UK members on here or is this a UK only site?

Thanks

katrinka

This is so familiar to me, too. Nobody would have thought I had a drinking problem, I didn't drink every day, I never hit a rock bottom, I have a good job for 18 years, great mom and wife. But, I just drank too much, I thought about it all the time, I couldn't stop when I started and it was interfering with my life and health. I think quitting for a year is a great idea, good luck to you. I feel so much better and life has improved a lot.

desertsong

Whenever you hear the heart-wrenching stories at AA and start thinking to yourself, "Well, I'm not THAT bad," just add the word "yet" at the end.

Hevyn

Bruno - welcome! There are many from the UK here - Aussies, Canadians, & many other countries represented. We're all in this together. Glad you found us.

Dee74

Hi and welcome struggles

Yeah getting sober and staying that way can take a lot of effort and commitment - but staying drunk all those those years, in the face of all of the embarrassments, catastrophes and general approbation took a lot of time effort and commitment too

It's not always easy, especially to start off with, but I've never regretted making the decision to leave drinking behind

D