Trying to get sober again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Down under
Posts: 84
Trying to get sober again
I'm new here and just wanted to say hello.
I have around 17 years behind me of alcoholic drinking. I joined AA back in 2010 and managed to 72 days of sobriety in the beginning. I stayed in the program for over a year but somehow I continued to slip. My excuse: I wasn't a full blown alcoholic! During my time in AA I managed to stay sober for over 40 days on another 2 occasions, with the odd month here or there. For the last 6 months of my AA days, I was staying sober for a week at a time at the most. Eventually I became so discouraged and decided that there was no point in staying around as I was tired of going to meetings and feeling like the only slipper rooms full of people who had "got it".
For the last 6 months I haven't been to meetings at all. I figured that there was no point as I had to drink and was drowning in family, study and work responsibilities. I had no time to go to AA, I reasoned, and I deserved the alcohol as it was my only way of continuing to function...Of course it has impeded my functioning, although I have managed to moderate enough to stop a complete slide.
The truth is that I am just tired of this. I drink about 6 beers on a typical night but get drunk on more about twice a week. Last night I was child free and, after a big week with new work responsibilities, I completely let myself go and downed twice my usual amount. I was seeing double and wound up passing out. After spending the whole day in bed with a headache, I'm questioning myself.
The truth is that I'm scared. I can't seem to make it for even one day without drinking. I don't seem to suffer with anger or resentments towards other people. Fear is at the base, yes. But I think this manifests itself more as a form of chronic, worrying kind of anxiety. If only I could stop worrying so much, I might have a chance with the sobriety! With no time to go to meetings, I'm hoping that I can find some support here.
It's been great reading all of your forum posts and I think this is a great community. :-)
Thanks for reading.
I have around 17 years behind me of alcoholic drinking. I joined AA back in 2010 and managed to 72 days of sobriety in the beginning. I stayed in the program for over a year but somehow I continued to slip. My excuse: I wasn't a full blown alcoholic! During my time in AA I managed to stay sober for over 40 days on another 2 occasions, with the odd month here or there. For the last 6 months of my AA days, I was staying sober for a week at a time at the most. Eventually I became so discouraged and decided that there was no point in staying around as I was tired of going to meetings and feeling like the only slipper rooms full of people who had "got it".
For the last 6 months I haven't been to meetings at all. I figured that there was no point as I had to drink and was drowning in family, study and work responsibilities. I had no time to go to AA, I reasoned, and I deserved the alcohol as it was my only way of continuing to function...Of course it has impeded my functioning, although I have managed to moderate enough to stop a complete slide.
The truth is that I am just tired of this. I drink about 6 beers on a typical night but get drunk on more about twice a week. Last night I was child free and, after a big week with new work responsibilities, I completely let myself go and downed twice my usual amount. I was seeing double and wound up passing out. After spending the whole day in bed with a headache, I'm questioning myself.
The truth is that I'm scared. I can't seem to make it for even one day without drinking. I don't seem to suffer with anger or resentments towards other people. Fear is at the base, yes. But I think this manifests itself more as a form of chronic, worrying kind of anxiety. If only I could stop worrying so much, I might have a chance with the sobriety! With no time to go to meetings, I'm hoping that I can find some support here.
It's been great reading all of your forum posts and I think this is a great community. :-)
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by CommunityDawn 
I have around 17 years behind me of alcoholic drinking. I joined AA back in 2010 and managed to 72 days of sobriety in the beginning. I stayed in the program for over a year but somehow I continued to slip. My excuse: I wasn't a full blown alcoholic! During my time in AA I managed to stay sober for over 40 days on another 2 occasions, with the odd month here or there. For the last 6 months of my AA days, I was staying sober for a week at a time at the most. Eventually I became so discouraged and decided that there was no point in staying around as I was tired of going to meetings and feeling like the only slipper rooms full of people who had "got it".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Down under
Posts: 84
Thanks Sapling. I did have a sponsor and worked the steps. I had spiritual awakenings,found comfort in finding a power greater than myself, said the 3rd step prayer every day and aligned my will with HP's, did moral inventories, a 5th step etc etc etc. I was an active member of my home group.
In spite of all of this, I could never, truth be known, feel step one. I read the step one chapter at my sponsor's house and talked about it...Yet I'd go home and drink.
I was supposedly doing all the right things and yet somehow I still didn't get it.
In spite of all of this, I could never, truth be known, feel step one. I read the step one chapter at my sponsor's house and talked about it...Yet I'd go home and drink.
I was supposedly doing all the right things and yet somehow I still didn't get it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hey CD, a shout out from cold and rainy England!
I couldn't go more than one day without when I started posting here. On day 14 now and I will not drink this weekend. It's a process, you know? You might not be able to stay sober today, but keep browsing and posting, and maybe you'll read something that changes your mind for tomorrow.
I can tell you (and you'll read this over and over here) before you dive in, it feels like the most frightening and depressing thing in the world to go without booze. And the first few days are definitely hard. But it gets better, then it gets good, then it gets GREAT.
Check out some of the blogs - you really get a sense of progress there, you know? And don't worry if you don't see much activity at this time of day - the Eastern Seaboard will be up in a few hours and it gets really busy.
Stay in touch, and keep posting
Good luck,
Still
x
I couldn't go more than one day without when I started posting here. On day 14 now and I will not drink this weekend. It's a process, you know? You might not be able to stay sober today, but keep browsing and posting, and maybe you'll read something that changes your mind for tomorrow.
I can tell you (and you'll read this over and over here) before you dive in, it feels like the most frightening and depressing thing in the world to go without booze. And the first few days are definitely hard. But it gets better, then it gets good, then it gets GREAT.
Check out some of the blogs - you really get a sense of progress there, you know? And don't worry if you don't see much activity at this time of day - the Eastern Seaboard will be up in a few hours and it gets really busy.
Stay in touch, and keep posting
Good luck,
Still
x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Down under
Posts: 84
Still Sleeping, thanks for your encouragement and congratulations on your 14 days.
Sapling, I don't know what to say in response to your valid comment. I tried and tried to do step one, but somehow I couldn't get it to stick.
Sapling, I don't know what to say in response to your valid comment. I tried and tried to do step one, but somehow I couldn't get it to stick.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Try this...Read it from that blank page at the beginning of the book up to page 43..The Doctors Opinion....Pages 1-23 deal with the physical craving...At the top of page 23 it talks about the mental obsession...23-43 talk about that....When you get done..Read it again...That's step one. This is what it says at the top of page 23....It makes sense.
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
It's all in your thinking.....That was my problem....It's probably what's holding you up too.
Quoted from BB first edition
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
It's all in your thinking.....That was my problem....It's probably what's holding you up too.
Quoted from BB first edition
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
CD, I dont know what works, but I do know what works for me. What they say in AA about not touching that first drink is true. If you dont do that, you dont have a second one. It is that easy (and hard)
It was bloody difficult when I started off, I craved booze, found it hard to go round the supermarket and not accidentally go to the wine shelves, but after a while you find the cravings subside, you may get other side effects of withdrawal, but you have to ride them, they WILL go
Go to AA if you think it works, if not use SR, post something, people post the most honest thoughts and fears on here, and get support. I find writing the craving down, lessens its impact on me, and gives me the strength to carry on.
It was bloody difficult when I started off, I craved booze, found it hard to go round the supermarket and not accidentally go to the wine shelves, but after a while you find the cravings subside, you may get other side effects of withdrawal, but you have to ride them, they WILL go
Go to AA if you think it works, if not use SR, post something, people post the most honest thoughts and fears on here, and get support. I find writing the craving down, lessens its impact on me, and gives me the strength to carry on.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Originally Posted by BillyPilgrim
Go to AA if you think it works, if not use SR, post something, people post the most honest thoughts and fears on here, and get support. I find writing the craving down, lessens its impact on me, and gives me the strength to carry on.
I know that AA wouldn't work for me (am too stupidly, bloody-mindedly, immaturely, pettily, irresponsibly, self-destructively rebellious) but that it works for some really good friends I've made here, and I can see why does. For me, I tried to get a grip on this thing for 15 years, and only joining this forum has made a difference. Posting here, the friends I've made, the support they give me, and having somewhere I can just say, today I am screwed, please help me without bein judged or dismissed works for me.
Keep posting,
Still
xx
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by stillsleeping
I know that AA wouldn't work for me (am too stupidly, bloody-mindedly, immaturely, pettily, irresponsibly, self-destructively rebellious)
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
thanks Sapling. I ain't touchin beer today. Goin to hang out with my H while he sinks a few and chuckle that I'm on a strawberry-banana smoothie. I wanted to drink yesterday. Today, I don't. Tomorrow is a mystery...x
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After you have read what Sapling suggested, sit down with some blank sheets of paper and do a TIME LINE of your drinking.
Starting back with the first drink you remember drinking and how you felt. If you cannot remember the month season and year will do and go from there right up to the drinks you had yesterday.
Then put it down and read The Doctor's Opinion again. Now look at your Time Line. You will be amazed at how that exercise will get you much closer to believing to the very core of your being that you are powerless over alcohol and that when you drink your life is unmanageable. You will have the powerless part and the unmanageable part in black on white on your Time Line.
You see step 1 is the most important step and must be set in concrete, and granite, in other words that we have no doubts left. This is because the other steps are built on Step 1 and if step 1 is built in sand, well ................. the other steps will topple.
Please try the above, the reading and then the writing and then the reading again. I have seen this work with those that I have sponsored that had the same trouble with step 1.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: doing an HONEST TIME LINE also helps to take away the 'mistaken idea' that our drinking was fun and helped us to cope.
Starting back with the first drink you remember drinking and how you felt. If you cannot remember the month season and year will do and go from there right up to the drinks you had yesterday.
Then put it down and read The Doctor's Opinion again. Now look at your Time Line. You will be amazed at how that exercise will get you much closer to believing to the very core of your being that you are powerless over alcohol and that when you drink your life is unmanageable. You will have the powerless part and the unmanageable part in black on white on your Time Line.
You see step 1 is the most important step and must be set in concrete, and granite, in other words that we have no doubts left. This is because the other steps are built on Step 1 and if step 1 is built in sand, well ................. the other steps will topple.
Please try the above, the reading and then the writing and then the reading again. I have seen this work with those that I have sponsored that had the same trouble with step 1.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: doing an HONEST TIME LINE also helps to take away the 'mistaken idea' that our drinking was fun and helped us to cope.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
For me...I KNEW I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanagable a long time ago. I had known that for years. I was just scared to change. I also knew that to continue drinking would lead me to always be sad, always feel lonely & just generally feel pathetic, and end in a VERY early death. Its a progressive disease. The drinking always ramps up, eventually. It did for all of us. Alcoholism ends with Jail, Institution or Death. Or we can choose sobriety and Life. Ill take Life...while I still can. Good luck in your journey, I wish you the best.
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Hi Dawn,
I'm glad you posted and that you are not giving up trying. I also had and still have generalized anxiety and it was the unsettling fear that led to years of depression and eventually self-medicating with alcohol.
Anxiety is something that you can learn to live with, you really can. And, I assure you that drinking is making your anxiety worse. Stopping drinking will help. You can learn breathing exercises to help with anxiety, you can try meditating, and keep in mind that your feelings are just feelings. They are not you. You can feel them and let them go.
I'm glad you posted and that you are not giving up trying. I also had and still have generalized anxiety and it was the unsettling fear that led to years of depression and eventually self-medicating with alcohol.
Anxiety is something that you can learn to live with, you really can. And, I assure you that drinking is making your anxiety worse. Stopping drinking will help. You can learn breathing exercises to help with anxiety, you can try meditating, and keep in mind that your feelings are just feelings. They are not you. You can feel them and let them go.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Just wanted to chime in with a welcome to you, CommunityDawn! Whatever happens, don't beat yourself up. Keep on trying, even if you don't succeed at first. Go back to meetings, do what Sapling and Laurie suggested above (they both gave great advice and in my 3+ years in and out of AA I've NEVER had anyone explain how to do the steps as clearly as folks here on SR have).
You'll find lots of wisdom and support here. This place is awesome and is a very helpful supplement to AA or whatever other program you happen to be using. I'm glad you are here.
You'll find lots of wisdom and support here. This place is awesome and is a very helpful supplement to AA or whatever other program you happen to be using. I'm glad you are here.
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