Lalee77

I experienced severe anxiety, depression and social problems as a child. At 13I discovered the cure for all my problems; alcohol. It became my confidence, courage, belonging, security,intimacy, pleasure, self esteem...and the list goes on and on. It's caused me as many problems as it has seemed to resolve and I'm sick of it. It's not the craving to drink that gets me; it's the fear of not drinking. If I don't drink, I have no desire for intimacy, socialization, activity or anything. All I want to do is hide from people and sleep. I sometimes think that I'm so happy that I'm not going to live forever because I don't enjoy life very much. I can't go back to who I was before I started drinking because I felt even worse back then. It gave me life but if I don't stop, it's going to take my life and destroy the lives of my family. I just can't imagine life without it....or continuing with it.

Scolova

I know what you mean, a couple of times I experienced panic to the point of fainting whilst getting ready to go to school and then I was just a zombie while there. I'd daydream of being somewhere else the whole day through. I started sneaking beers out of my dad's (and his friend's) coolers when I figured they wouldn't miss one or two, but didn't start 'using' it 'til I got to my 20s ... I became a pothead \ drinker, then full-blown alcoholic. My anxiety eased a bit in my early drinking days but when I reached ~35 (years old), I started feeling unbarrable social anxiety and agoraphobia again, I was in panic mode just at the thought of opening our front door. Luckily I chose to deal with the anxiety as the separate issue from the drink, even though I knew both had to go. I started with short walks, very short walks, heart pounding but I kept doing it and would walk farther down the road every now and then. I fixed up my bike and rode it, as well as started to drive our car at night (after the bars had closed). Now, for me at 5+ months sober I rarely feel any sort of panic, but I firmly believe it is because I have tested my limits, pushed my anxiety to the freak-out point (when I could do so safely) and understand much more now that I can control 'it', because 'it' is me. You do not have to go back to being 'that' person, you can start again and be wonderful, strong and experienced.

artsoul

I felt exactly the same way - both choices were equally terrifying at the time. The closest I could get to sobriety was saying that I "wanted to want to quit." Making the commitment was the hardest part of the process (for me, anyway).

Ironically, alcohol as a chemical causes depression and anxiety (which sets us a vicious cycle because it also gives temporary relief) I was never so isolated as when I was drinking - not only from other people but from myself and any interest or joy in life. At times I wanted my life to be over, too. I dreaded sobriety like I dreaded the mornings when I drank.

Now I wish I'd gotten sober sooner. I've gotten help with my depression and anxiety and my life is full and happy. Even better, I feel good about myself again. It didn't happen overnight, but that it happened at all was amazing to me, who once thought drinking was all I had to look forward to.

I'm really glad you reached out today - you're not alone. Lots of us have been there and understand what it's like. Keep reading and posting and you may find there really is a better life out there for you!

CommunityDawn

Lalee, I relate to your post. I too found that alcohol was a cure for anxiety in my younger days. I have days of wanting to hide away now too and yet am frightened of living life without alcohol. There are many people who have walked ahead of us and who have found eventual comfort in sobriety. I hope that both you and I can join them soon!

Sapling

I posted this last night on a different thread...Talking about how baffling alcohol is...Why people drink...Maybe it will ring a bell...

You think you can control it...You lie to yourself it's under control...Then you get to a point....You have no control at all...For myself...I was a fear driven drinker....I started off with the fear I wouldn't be accepted by other people without it...That backfired...Then I had a fear I couldn't live without it...That almost killed me....Then I had a fear it was impossible for me to stop...That terrified me...And I drank more...I just wanted to end it....Somehow I realized I couldn't beat it...And if I just gave up and faced those fears...I'd be OK..And it worked.

It was doing an honest and fearless 4th step in AA that I got to identify and face the many fears my mind was riddled with....Removing those allowed me to release the anxiety and depression those fears created and alcohol fueled...Hope that helps...

midgetcop

Hi Lalee.

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I too thought life would lose all its colour once I stopped drinking. I thought that it would become a mundane task to trudge through day-to-day...

But I also knew that alcohol was killing me both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That's the insidious nature of addiction and the conflicting choices we're faced with.

How happy was I discover that life CAN be more fulfilling without booze, and that it's not just some lame tagline? It takes some time to re-adjust, but you will see that alcohol really impaired those positive qualities that you attribute to it.

checkmate1

Hi lalee as a child I would shy away from the other kids it is still the same today Im 30. Anxiety, social anxiety and panic attacks ruled my life the only time I woud get relieved from this was through drinking. Of course when you throw a substance like alcohol into the equation it stopped all my doubts and indecision with other people and interacting socially finally became fun.

But with that said it has been my downfall also into substance abuse, trouble with the law, family problems and in the end socially I sometimes would overdrink to become even more comfortable which led to embarrassment also.

But alcohol was aways a problem from the very start with school counsellors to intervention orders when i was underage to getting in trouble with just about everyone. I first went to an AA meeting when I was 21. Being the anxious person I have been on many occassions and although i decline to speak at these meetings I sit there and listen and try to get bits and pieces from people in simiar situations.

Give yourself the opportunity to give sobriety a go you might end up liking it. I found through not drinking i had other problems relating to major depression and in addressing that issue life has balanced out a little better. Don't be afraid to go to your doctor and ask for help if it gets to hard. We all need a helping hand sometimes!

Good Luck I know you can do this!

ShaneW

Your story is similar to my own. Alcohol helped me break out of my "shy" shell, and I came to rely on it for most social experiences. During my recovery Ive been doing some deep digging and have a hypothesis that I had moderate social anxiety disorder from day 1. Since puberty Ive always had anxiety/nervous issues that resulted in sweating profusely (head & armpits mostly, gross), shaky hands, stammering voice, constant desire to hide away from everyone etc. Since I got sober the anxiety and nervousness has slowly melted away. It still pokes its head out, esp when Im over-tired. And Im still relatively shy, but I now want to get out and see friends. Part of it is because of the work Im doing in AA. But mostly, the 48 days without alcohol has done wonders to "calm" my anxiety.

Maybe speak with a doctor about your social anxiety. I have family members who claim that anti-depressants completely changed their lives. Good luck

checkmate1

I strongly second that they gave me freedom to be me. Check out the anxiety forums also.

Mo S

Like you; I had SEVERE anxiety and depression issues as a child. I was withdrawn to an extreme. They didnt know any better at the time so they labeled me as "shy" and said I would grow out of it. Also like you; I started drinking at 13 religiously. All of a sudden I was more outgoing, the depression and anxiety were masked and I actually "had a life". Unfortunatley (it felt so at the time), it stopped working and the depression just got magnified. I actually was attempting passive suicide in the end.

I coundn't imagine a life without alchohol and drugs....I was fortunate to make it to AA. That helped me to not only quit drinking, learn new coping skills, change my perceptions about how useful alcohol REALLY was(n't), and - VERY IMPORTANT -allowed me to get professional help to deal with my anxiety and depression. Like I said: I came from a time when kids with "issues" were just labeled "shy". Well, unfortunatly, I didn't "grow out of it". I was FAR MORE than shy. Going to AA didn't cure all my problems or clear up all my "issues". It gave me a foundation to work from.

I wish you the best and hope you get the help you need to get sober and be happy. It is possible to not drink again and lead the kind of life you are looking for.

checkmate1

I could be 70 yo and stil be shy without support.

sugarbear1

I felt like you. At the age of 50, I stopped the alcohol. By day 15, I had taken the steps of AA with a knowledgeable person and I have had no cravings, no irrational fears, no irrational phobias since that day. Not kidding, either. My shyness was an extreme form of self-centeredness....which is what the AA book tells us our (alcoholics) problem is....Try reading it or call AA and find a meeting, it may help you, too.

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