holdfold

... and I am powerless over it. This time it was utter surrender, face down in the dirt. The usual line up of rogues were in attendance ... the ambulance and police kindly took my unconscious ass from a hotel room to the ER ... courtesy of 2 pints of vodka before noon.
I was on a trip on business and dropped off the radar, until my wife found me in hospital 1000 miles from home, not knowing where the fk I was. Result .... a wife who has reached her limit and I was graciously fired.
All this after nearly 3 months sober, working with AA and a buddhist group.
So what changed? The simmering ego early in recovery taking charge ... not picking up the phone to talk to the wiser, not walking away, not doing many things .... In all I have been sober for six months with two slips ... so the road is not new to me.
HOWEVER, I am a month sober and have intensified meetings and events that strengthen my resolve. AA has been helpful and very constructive to provide the materials to rebuild and a buddhist 12 step is also in play. I have finally found the path which resonates with my life philosophy. The eightfold path is my HP.
I have simplified my perspective and know that drinking will simply kill me as my MO seems to be drink until you can't drink anymore.
I am hopeful and determined that rigorously and vigorously, I will use the tools that have been so effective to many for so many years.
An expensive and exhaustive cautionary tale, but I have made peace with myself and am getting my house in order .... and finally taken the self-destruct button out of my hands.
One day at a time I am becoming awake.

desertsong

Wow. I hardly know what to say other than I'm glad you came back and have finally found the path that looks like it will work for you. And I can totally relate ... in the past year, I've had 8 months of sober time and 4 months of relapses and return to oblivion, each time worse than the one before it. Thankfully you have realized that to continue doing this will kill you, and you sound committed to making it work this time. Congratulations.

Alcohol IS cunning, baffling and powerful, and I would also add that it is relentless, greedy, and PATIENT. It will wait as long as it takes to suck you back in whether it's 3 months or 3 years. Your recognition of your "simmering ego" is huge ... it's the complacency and the thinking of "I got this" that always led me back to that first drink.

I'm glad you have made peace with yourself and are getting your life back together. I'm sorry you had to do it the hard way, but at least you're making it back. Best wishes to you.

DayTrader

It's impressive.....the amount of pain our ego will have us endure to keep it itself in a position of power. Like you holdfold, I don't have a history of surrendering easily or without a fight. Knowing that about yourself is good though.....it'll help motivate you to keep up with your HP and with your recovery......because the alternative is surely there and surely deadly.

macknacat

"Our active diseases dulled and rusted the sharp knife of our mindfulness and attention. Getting them sharp again is a continuous day-at-a-time process; a moment by moment commitment to ourselves…. Could you have waited a moment longer to enter recovery? Can you afford to wait now?"

Mel Ash “The Zen of Recovery”

Dee74

Glad to see you back HF - I hope you've done your last faceplant

D

recoverywfaith

LOL...have never heard that before.

HF,

I am so grateful to be alive and sober today. Thank you for sharing your story...glad you are here at SR.

holdfold

Thank you all ... Dee, not so fond of the taste of dirt

The other point that I forgot to make last night was that when I first was determined to get sober, I was very anti-AA because of the 'God' mentions ... BUT I was smart enough to try it as it was pointed out 'how do you know, if you don't try it' .... I am not trying to sell the program, but even as someone who is not into the Abrahamic faiths, there is a lot of wisdom and people who genuinely care that you are there and give good advice if asked. I am sure that is true of other programs, it just so happens that the group here is AA (I live in the sticks).
I have made peace with my wife and I understand that trust will only come with extended sobriety and it is an ongoing project to give her support and doing what I can to make amends and demonstrate true intention and action.
I have been actively looking for another position and also reviewing how I can start my own business, forty five is not a good age to fly a long established career into the ground ... but hey, that is what it took and strange as that sounds I am glad it happened as at some point you will hit bedrock ... the shovel has been taken away from me

Anna

HF, it's good to see you back and to see that you have a good perspective on where you are with this disease.

I'm glad to see that you're doing what you need to do for your recovery and that you're job hunting.

Zebra1275

the ambulance and police kindly took my unconscious ass from a hotel room to the ER ... courtesy of 2 pints of vodka before noon.

This sounds like something I could have done . . . alcohol, hotel room all by myself, no immediate accountability . . . reserved seating in the ER for a party of 1 . . . yikes!

I'm glad you made it back here.