Bitter Friends and Family..
 

I see so many people giving advice to give up on the addict/alcoholic. They tell these weak and broken people looking for support that it will never get better and there is no hope and that their doomed if they try to work through these problems with their SO. Seems to me these people are very bitter and since things didn't work out for them it wont work out for anyone else. This is a very selfish and limited outlook.
I am a recovering alcoholic who has been through a seperation with my gf, I am sober and we are doing just fine. She was told to give up on me by people in SR. Well we sorted our problems and we are stronger than ever. What would have happened if either of us had listened to the advice of some jaded people here?
I guess what I am saying is how many relationships have ended because of bad advice from people who probably shouldn't have been with their sig other in the first place, regardless of drugs and alcohol.
I see sharing experience but to give this sort of ADVICE is just wrong.

I pray for you all to find happiness whether you are the friend or family of an addict/alcoholic or are the addict/alcoholic yourself. Anything is possible with work and desire.

I'm glad things worked out for you and your girlfriend. I would absolutely advise the SO of an addict/alcoholic to leave, because I think the best way to heal from a relationship with an addict -- which is often an abusive relationship as well -- is to get out of it and try to move on.

I get very very angry when I hear people, especially women, feel that they need to stay in a relationship to try and fix the addict, especially if they are being abused, either verbally, physically or emotionally.

I agree with you that some of the stories I read in Friends & Families are about relationship problems, not always relating to alcohol issues.

I think whenever we ask for advice here on SR we have to make the decision as to whether it's the right thing to do for us, or not. I'm glad that you and your girlfriend have worked things out and are doing well. I am also still with my husband and better than ever. There are many of us recovering alcoholics who are sober and in good relationships. :)

And many of us are not...My marriage ended because of my alcoholism...And I take full blame for it...I was the problem...

"I get very very angry when I hear people, especially women, feel that they need to stay in a relationship to try and fix the addict"

What does gender have to do with anything?

I think there are as many different stories and outcomes as there are members really...I try to avoid painting with broad brush strokes, regardless of the context.

Like Anna says - all anyone can offer here is their experience, whatever the forum - everyone has the choice to follow the advice borne of those experiences or not :)

D

Every person and every situation is different. I'm an alcoholic and so is my husband. We have known each other since 1978 and have been married since 1992. We became alcoholic together and were drinking buddies for many years. I decided to get sober before he did but we are both working on recovery now. There have been people who have suggested that I "reconsider" staying with him because he might be a "danger" to my sobriety, but unless he became abusive, was unable to work, or became an ***hole in other ways, that's not an option for me. It may sound weird to say, but he is a good man other than his drinking, and when he drinks he just becomes mellow ... I'M the one who is the abusive jerk when I'm drunk. Some people might tell HIM to leave ME, who knows.

What I do know is that while some may consider our relationship dysfunctional, we are good people who love each other and are working on being even better people. But that's just us. I have two friends who are in marriages with alcoholics, and both are extremely unhappy because their spouses are in and out of jail, losing jobs, and very abusive when drunk, and they don't want to change. So these ladies have tough decisions to make about their futures.

Again, it depends on the people and the circumstances. Some can make it work, some can't. Either way, it's not easy.

The way I look at this site...It's a recovery site....You can pretty much identify if someone has a substance abuse problem...Being here is the first sign...You can offer advice about the dangers of detoxing alone and what recovery methods are available...Whether they take any of that or not...Who knows....As far as offering advice on relationships goes...This could be an all sober site...And that's a pretty tough nut to crack...You only hear one side of it anyway.....I've done pretty well on my own in the many relationships I've been in ...Whether they were great or I drove them right into the gutter.

Your post initially made me feel very angry. I knew I needed to take a step back and think for a moment before I responded.
I've been a lurker on this site for months and just joined recently.
This site has been vital to me understanding the extent of my problem with alcohol. I found this site in a moment of desperation. I was laying in bed alone... sweating, angry, feeling hopeless and I was convinced everyone else on earth was ok with alcohol and I was the only person that felt this way and drank how I did. And I searched and found this site and my life has been changed ever since.

Congrats that your situation worked out the way it did.

I've never thought of anyone on this site to be "broken and bitter". If anything I want to consume the knowledge and experiences that they BRAVELY share.

I hope you see that people on this site where only looking out for your gf's best intrests. And if you really love her that should make you feel warm inside not angry.

Just my opinion.

PS- Every individual is ultimately responsible for the decisions that they make.
But I

I totally relate and found this site the same way Cloud. I guess I just wanted to point out that miracles do happen and would love to see more positive stories of things working out. Our reconciliation wasn't just handed to me, I had to work harder for it than anything in my life! Please don't be angry because I worded my post wrong..

I'm happy for you blackstrat6...I'm happy I got to 9th step my ex and we can at least talk...It's all good.

Back......

Are u in AA by chance?

And, FWIW, anytime someone is dealing with an "active" alkie, my advice is and will be "to leave." That doesn't mean "forever" though.

Glad you're working on sobriety. Stick with it and youre bound to see more miracles. :)

Blackstrat,
This site is based on addicts sharing their experiences.
It helps me when people are posting both the good and bad.
I was mad because you made such a broad statement I hope other lurkers dont read.

Strat we would ALL love to see more of those stories. I am on both sides of this issue and I would love love love to have had my relationships work out, when I was the addict and now when my partner is. I would love a miracle etc...but unfortunately most of us don't have that story to share.

Please make sure to share your story on Friends and Family to offer hope to both us addicts and those of us who love addicts. We need all the encouragement we can get.