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haven't completely commited to being sober, but on day two

Old 03-15-2012, 03:06 PM
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haven't completely commited to being sober, but on day two

I'm back. I think mostly because I received so much support before, and I could really use that in my life right now.

On Tuesday, I got wasted on two very strong cocktails. And I hadn't eaten anything. It was really embarassing because I was at this super classy bar, and I think I was kind of loud, and was drunk-texting someone, which ended up being extremely and horribly embarrassing after the couple hours it took to sober up.

I did eat at the bar, after I realized that the drinks really, really hit me. I felt a lot better, and but knew I was still a little tipsy. My friend offered to drive me home, but if I left my car where it was (2 hour parking), I would get a ticket. So yeah, I drove home. I'm SOOOO ashamed of that. It's hard for me to admit, even here, where you guys don't even know me. I feel like everyone is going to be pissed with me that I put my life and others lives' in jeapordy. However, the other part of me says that by the time I left, I wasn't wasted anymore. And I didn't have any problems staying in the lines, or swirving. But I did have to concentrate a little more than usual. I know it wasn't a good decision.

Anyway, I was all the way sober by the late evening, and was able to take my non-narcotic/non-benzo sleep med, and I slept perfectly. It had been at least a week or two since I slept well. Yesterday, I didn't drink at all, and it wasn't difficult at all to not drink. I even went to a brewery for happy hour food, and didn't drink. My reasoning in doing that was that I could get a full meal for super cheap.

I haven't drank today, but last week, I made plans to go to the brewery with a friend, to watch a movie they are showing tonight. I still want to go. I know I will be told here to not go. But I go back to my thinking that I don't really have a "problem". How can I have an alcohol problem if I only drink two or three drinks a night? And I'm not talking about the super fancy, strong drinks that I had on Tuesday. Normally, I'm a pretty cheap drinker.

I hope I'm not pissing you all off. Isn't this called the precontemplation stage in recovery terminology?
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:30 PM
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I think, for me, a brewery would be a huge temptation I wouldn't want right now. Especially if my friend didn't know I was committed to not drinking and not on the same page.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:37 PM
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I can only tell you my experience. My DOC (drug of choice) was crack, and when I chose recovery, I was TOTALLY not ready to give it up "forever". I decided I would give myself 6 months, working "recovery" as hard as I worked at getting high. I clung to SR as a lifeline, as I didn't really realize what recovery was.

I prayed, a gazillion times a day, "please make be willing to be willing to give up crack". At some point, one of the "willings" dropped off. It was far before my 6 month deadline that I realized I was done with crack.

FWIW, I had promised myself that if I was still miserable or craving, like crazy, at 6 months? I could use. I simply could not accept "I will never use again" at first. Giving myself permission to use again, once I had given recovery my best shot, was what worked for me.

I just celebrated 5 years in recovery, a huge part of my recovery has been here at SR. My deal with myself may not work for everyone, but it certainly has worked for me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:47 PM
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welcome skiptomylou

Maybe try turning your thinking around a little? It helped me...

Instead of 'How can I have an alcohol problem if I only drink two or three drinks a night?' why not ask yourself 'If drinking makes me kind of loud, and I get myself in extremely embarrassing situations, and then I make a dangerous decision to drive home even tho I knew I was still a little tipsy' -

(and I'm presuming this is not the first time, right?....)

why would I think I don't have an alcohol problem?

D
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:13 PM
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I'm not sure what stage it is, but I thought about stopping drinking for quite awhile before I actually did it, too. However, I knew I was an alcoholic. Alcohol was causing me problems with my family and eventually with my health. I just wasn't quite ready to stop.

You said you were ashamed of your actions in the bar and drunk texting. You said you drove home when you had been drinking and shouldn't have driven. And, you're making plans to go back to the brewery, where it seems that drinking must be a focus. When you look at that, do you believe that you don't have a problem with alcohol? I hope that you decide to stop drinking and live a sober life.
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:17 PM
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You don't have to committee to sobriety for the rest of your life. No one on this forum have to. You can stop drinking at the time be and see how life is without alcohol. If you find that life is boring or you just want alcohol back into your life then you can always go to the store and go home and get smash. But for most of us on here, it's just not worth it.
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:18 PM
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First off, I double posted by accident because I didn't think the original post went thru. I feel bad having two open posts that are the same!

Impurrfect. Even six months seems like a long time. It's not that I don't think I could do six months, cause I totally think I "could". But it's that I don't know that I want to. Drinking has become part of my lifestyle. I drink to celebrate, to relax, after I've had a hard day. I drink with friends.

On my last post, I said that I would quit this coming monday. I knew I had plans for tonight, and I'm going out of town tomorrow to celebrate something. And I have no plans on getting blasted. I do know that I drink to feel it, but I'm not a binge drinker, and I don't have to get drunk every time I drink. I guess I don't really know how to celebrate something without having a drink. It's like the "special" thing to do.

Dee, you bring up a good point. And you are right, it wasn't the first time that I have drove when I probably shouldn't have.

I guess my thinking, and when I've tried to talk to some friends who drink, everyone says "it's normal". I get flirty when I drink, and although it has never landed me in a dangerous position because I am still aware of where I am, and where my friends are in relation to me, I still do flirt a lot, and make out with random guys. And I do a lot of text flirting. But doesn't everyone do that when they drink? And yes, I get a little loud. Not in a mean way, usually just flirting, or thinking I'm being funny. For example, I was drinking at a college bar last year, and reinacted the "when harry met sally" restaurant scene. Normally, I'm pretty reserved and very self conscious, so it's nice to let some of that go.

It's kind of silly that I am posting on a forum of people with self identified alcohol problems....and I'm expecting you all to tell me I don't have a problem. My original intention of coming here was to try and prove that I don't have an alcohol problem.
Maybe I should make a list as to why I "might" have a problem, and why I don't have a problem. In my mind though, I can justify a lot of the things that would be on the "might" list. And I know that is called denial, and I know I sound like every alcoholic in the world when I say, but in my case, it's really true!!
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:23 PM
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I think what it comes down to Skip..Is you can't solve a problem if the problem doesn't exist...You can't commit to quiting drinking if you don't think it's a problem...Maybe it would be different if you got a DUI or God forbid hit somebody the other night. You have to honestly try and connect the problems in your life with your drinking...If there is nothing there...Carry on...
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:30 PM
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I KNOW I have an alcohol problem because I always obsess about it.
If your going to an event and your planning you alcohol drinkinge in your head beforehand thats probably not normal.
When I would go to events I would always plan out my drinking.
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:11 PM
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If you don't wanna quit, then don't quit, no one here is going to try to talk you into quitting, you have to do that on your own. Once you decide that you want to quit, this is definitely the place to start. Hope you make the best decision!
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:16 PM
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Only you can decide whether you have a problem or not skip...whether other people do it or not is really a red herring I think - I know I ran with a hard drinking crew - many of them drank more than I did but none of them seemed to have the same sorts of obsession about booze or the problems I'd find myself in over and over

I really think it's not so much how much you drink, or how often - it's what happens to you when you do - if you're not happy with the consequences of your drinking or with the changes drinking brings about in you, then you owe it to yourself to look at that closely I think

D
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:37 PM
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Thanks Dee. I think you're right. I owe it to myself to figure this out, and to see if I can quit for a while.
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by 12skiptomylue View Post
Thanks Dee. I think you're right. I owe it to myself to figure this out, and to see if I can quit for a while.
After 30 years of torture there was no quitting for 'a while' anymore. At the point of my sobriety -It was either I quit -or I didn't. But I was ready...I KNEW I had to stop.

Wishing you peace and strength.
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