johnny2times

Hello people, i'm Johnny, today is my 3rd day sober, i havent slept much, i have the shakes, hot and cold sweats and feel horribly anxious/nervous ,my head is on overdrive i feel like its going to explode, constantly reminding me of the thoughts and awful memories of my past, from bad memories and nightmares of my army service.. to the shame and guilt of all the stupid things i've said and done whilst trying to numb the memories with drink over the past 4 years, you know... all the drunken embarressing stuff and angry outbursts ...the list is endless and the thoughts never stop...its like i replay them over n over in my head and beat myself up about them and i keep reacting to all these thoughts by by shouting "f**k off" "leave me alone"...i feel like i'm going crazy :/
will it ever stop?

sugarbear1

You are so normal in early recovery and I know you can get through all of this. It gets so much better, but we have to give time time. We numbed ourselves thinking all of that stuff was going away, the problem is we only pushed it inside of us at a deeper level. So, it's going to come out.

If you have a program of recovery lined up, start working on it as soon as you can. I slept most of the first week, but then I began my AA journey and it's made a huge impact on my life.

Any program you find for recovery will work if you jump in and make it work. Drinking for me, was only a symptom of my alcoholism. The real problem is me--how I view and deal with the world.

Everyone is different, every program a bit unique, but whatever it takes, grab onto it and hang on for the ride! Sobriety is better than drunkenness.

Glad you are here!!!!

Andi

Hi Johnny,
Welcome to SR, a lot of people have good advice here, a lot are in the US, sometimes you need to be a bit patient in order to get replies.
Maybe you should see your doctor.
Congratulations on 3 days, and yes...it will get better

InsertNameHere

Welcome Johnny,

I know where your comming from with the thoughts that never shut up, in my case it is worries about work, and my failings and oh my god what if they find out about my drinking?!! I would worry myself silly till I drank to shut it up. I am on day 4 or 5 now depending on how you keep count and I have been feeling great, and not having that trouble. The key is not to fight the thoughts and feelings but just feel them and let them pass. The more you fight the more you argue is the more you are becoming agitated adn stressed. And that means you have even more thoughts. I know it isn't easy but that is what helped me.

Congrats on 3 days I know that was an achievment for me! If what I said dosen't help I am sure someone here will be able to offer you some advise that will sork for you.

2granddaughters

Johnny, are you going to AA meetings?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

Dazee

Welcome Johnny,
In my experience it gets a lot better around day 5-7, but each day progressively with improvement. If the symptoms are really bad, please consider seeing a doctor.
The shame thoughts also improve. When you stop drinking for a while you feel better about yourself which helps to decrease the intrusive shame memories.
SR is a great place to get help and support. You may want to join the class of March 2012 for those getting sober this month.

Welcome

CloudStrife

Hey Johnny I'm sort of the same way. I live in the past for some reason.
I like to drink and replay all of my life mistakes over and over again in my head. Because the drinking makes it feel somewhat better while drunk.
I think "drinking" likes for us to do this so that we feel like drinking again.
I do know my mind always feels cloudy and confused during periods of drinking which has been most of the last few years.
Whenever I have a week of so of sobriety my views on my life usually change completely and i feel much more positive.
I just need to figure out how to keep that sobriety because I know its the only way I will ever truly feel happy.

Purplecatlover

Johnny,
The first few weeks are hard. My body started feeling better but mentally I was raw. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I stayed on SR & managed to get through it. My emotions evened out & I felt better the more time sober I had.
I'm 2 months sober & feel 150% better.
If you need to cry, scream, just let it out & let it go.
Forgive yourself, you deserve to be happy & free. The past is behind you. It can't hurt you. Feelings wont kill you but drinking can. You can get better & move forward. Look at the man you want to be & become that man.

eJoshua

Welcome Johnny! I'm glad you found us.

Have you tried any therapy/counseling to deal with the past? It really seems to be haunting you, and although I can't directly relate to your experience, I'm sure it must be terrible to deal with.

sissy07

johnny2times,

First of all, thank you very, very much for your service in the Army. Very, very commendable. I am so sorry that you are having trouble with the memories of it.

You know, we have all done things when drinking that we can not undo. Shame and guilt are negative emotions that will only drag you down. You can not change the past, but you can change the future.

I am glad you are going to quit drinking. I promise, promise, promise it will get better....but it will take some time. When you feel better physically it will become easier to look toward the future, and less at the past.

I don't know what you are shameful about, but if you keep reading SR you will see that you are not alone. Take care of yourself - you deserve it.

Firehazard

:ghug3

Welcome home soldier. I am glad you are here. It gets better!!!! Promise but it may be

slow. I am a Veteran myself and have learned that former combat veterans have PTSD

as well as addition problems. In fact, the cross over for both groups is a wooping 60%.

I would suggest visiting the doctor to see if that is the case with you. It may make

treatment much easier.

Hevyn

Hello Johnny! I'm so glad you found us. You are definitely having normal feelings & emotions for being 3 days sober. It will get better, and talking about it here will really help you. You aren't alone anymore.

Early on I was always torturing myself with thoughts of guilt and remorse. I had to stop it because it was preventing me from moving forward and getting well. Try to concentrate on healing - everything will get better as you feel stronger. We're here to help and support you, Johnny. You can do this.

Sometime

There's one thing you've said that really resonates with me. That you wanted your negative thoughts to leave you alone. This is one thing I said to my psychiatrist. I have clinical depression from taking ecstacy when I was younger. I described to the psyche doc that I felt utterly helpless, dejected and despondent for no reason (I know you have reasons). That when I was having these thoughts I would be thinking to myself half in desperation that I wished they would just leave me alone because they weren't me. I'm now on an anti depressant and those thoughts aren't there any more. Nor are the feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. I had the emotional strength to work through them. I know nothing I've been through can compare to the memories of your past. But perhaps given the mental strength combined with the avoidance of alcohol you'll be able to work through and come to terms with your past. I've been rambling here but I see you're from the UK and we support our army veterans. See your doctor with what you've said above. I'm sure the right professional person will be able to identify these symptoms and help you. Anything's better than the spiral of negative thoughts consuming you.

ARTEMIS

Johnny-

Welcome to SR!!! Glad you are here!

JohnnyDetox

Welcome, brother!

johnny2times

Right folks, 6th day sober now and the fog is starting to clear and the issues are subsiding, apologies for not replying sooner on here, i was in no fit state then, caught up in alot of self pity etc, thankyou to all who posted though, i was reading all the supportive comments which made alot of sense and reminded me how i was before my relapse, its funny how quickly i forgot all that stuff when i started drinking again!
Just to put you all in the picture, yes i am a veteran of 10 years service in the army, left in 2007 and yes i have been through counselling for combat stress then treatment and the steps etc, then last summer after 18months sobriety i started drinking again thinking i could control it, it went ok for a while (but i always felt like i needed more) and before long i was drinking every night again to blackout, and all the nightmares, anger and stress came back ...id wake up at 4 am every morning shaking and shouting, started to feel very ill this time around too, alot of abdominal pains in my liver area, was quite worrying, id get up every morning and look at my face in the mirror then think 'oh cool, my face hasnt gone yellow yet, i can have a few more beers today!' crazy hey?
anyway as i say , 6th day sober, feeling alot better now, feel like ive had a blip on my journey in sobriety, and ive just reset my thinking to how i was before in 18months recovery, and keeping out of self in all its forms, i know i'm the problem and know im the SOLUTION!
if i can offer some advice to anyone who's thinking they might try control it...dont bother! its really not worth it, look at me...former soldier with self discipline coming out of my ears, but it still got me in the end!

thanks again to everyone who commented , your caring and supportive messages moved me, and certainly helped me to not hit the 'f**k it' button and go n get drunk!
special thanks to fire hazard , its good to know im not the only veteran on here, cheers mate
Johnny

Hevyn

Thanks for updating us Johnny. It's great you are feeling better & have the worst of the withdrawal behind you.

Trying to control it is what did me in every time. I always thought if I had enough willpower I'd be safe to have 'a few'. The few always turned into 10. I think I finally get it that I can't touch the stuff.

Proud of you for coming back out of the dark & into a better life.

stepping

Glad to see ya back Johnny!

Congrats on 6 days!!

sissy07

Johnny,

Thanks for the update!! I was thinking about you and hoping we would get an update soon. You sound like you feel better.

I have a lot of respect for you. Take care and stay strong!

artsoul

Hi Johnny - Congrats for getting sober again! I can relate to a lot of what you said... I relapsed twice and it was years before I got back. I had all the "knowledge" too (treatment, AA, steps, etc.) but once I opened the door to drinking again, it took over just like it had before.

Great community here, and we're glad you're joining us!