jstar

It's been a while since I posted last. Went to "try it on my own" for a while. Whole lotta good that did for me! I have cut back on the number of days I drink but only because my dr has me on some meds for anxiety & depression. What's lame is that I actually don't take my meds some days so I can drink the next day. Stupid. I know.

What I hate is the insanity. I know I have a problem, the addiction counselor says I have a problem, it takes over my thoughts all day long. I've been trying to give it all to God (my higher power) but my stupid brain keeps telling me i'm really not that bad.

....I think my brain is forgetting the bottles stashed around the house and the fact that I have to keep resetting the clock right about day 6. I'm scared to not drink and i'm scared to drink as the blackouts have gotten worse each time (the meds make this much worse).

I know i'm selfishly venting here cause I am ticked off at myself, but I want to drink right fricken now & I would if I hadn't taken an anti-anxiety med a few hrs ago which I don't dare mix w/alcohol...for fear of dying.....

I have been going to AA for a few weeks & it is sorta helping. I just don't know what my damn problem is....ok well I do ....but I really just wanted to whine about it...

...this is normal to feel this crappy. At day 5 right????

Peace

Sapling

Yeah..It's normal...Till you want to do it...Stop that is. I wouldn't be mixing the meds with alcohol...I played that game...Taking meds for something my drinking caused to begin with....Then taking them together...Not too fricken smart...I was sick...I admit it. If you want to get better with AA...Keep going to meetings...Get a sponsor and get started working the steps...That's the answer...If you want to stop...Do it...And don't stop at step 3...That's when you get started...Plow through them..Ask you HP for help and don't drink...It works....You just have to do it to find out. If you're not ready to...You'll drink again...Simple as that.

Gr8ful4Life

Yeah, I agree with Sapling. if you're going to AA and you have an higher power, I think your a lot closer than you think... you just have to be willing. I was in treatment, locked away from the world and I still thought about getting loaded every day... how many times a day I can't even count.

I started working the steps and when I got through step 4 and did my 5th, 6th and 7th, something amazing happened for me. It was about 3 or 4 days later and I was talking to my counselor and realized that I had not thought about getting loaded for a whole 3 or 4 days... amazing for someone like me. And so it's been ever since. Can't say I never think about it, but I can say that horrible obsession has been lifted.

Like Sapling suggested, get a sponsor and work the steps. What have you got to lose?

LadyNoBinge

Hello JStar!
Thanks for reaching out, that is very brave. I understand where you are coming from, i was stuck in that cycle for a while too. It is totally normal to feel crazy and yucky on day 5. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time, i am glad you are going to meetings-share what you are experiencing there too! Please take good care of yourself xoxo

DoinThis

It's normal jstar, your gonna have those thoughts for a long time but it's not our thoughts we should worry about its our actions. Keep going, u can do it! The alcy voice gets weaker and weaker the further we get away from feeding it! Keep sober, keep going, all the best!

instant

Once I could accept what was happening despite all my efforts to control it, and it was only going to get worse"..........then I could stop trying and just take what came. The amazing thing is something changed and I could walk away.

DayTrader

I'm with the guys above. I wanted to stop on the one hand but didn't on the other.

"going to AA" may help but those of us there found that to be lacking. Meetings are great but the solution is in working the program and helping others. It will change you....and that desire to keep on drinking will go....away....and stay away.

The deeper u can dig into the program, the more complete and quickly that change seems to come.

sugarbear1

sometimes meds doesn't allow them to work properly + sometimes alcohol isn't a good mix. try not drinking for a bit + try using the meds as directed.

I wish you well,

Mo S

Thanks for stepping up in honesty and venting.
A sober alcoholic is actually in an unnatural state....
I don't know where you live. I belong to Dual Recovery Anonymous. Its a 12 step program for people who are alcoholic and or addicts and also have a mental health diagnosis. Its helped me TREMENDOUSLY to address both interwined issues in a safe place...and its free! I also use othe online support groups which cater to recovery from mental illness. Many members are AA members as well. Google anything.
Larger cities have DRA meetings or other meetings on a similiar theme. Other countries have GROW meetings which can be very similiar. Just thought I would pass that on. I wish you the best.

jstar

And it's a new day i love the one day at a time thing, i think i'm more like an hour at a time right now just to get myself to shut up inside myself!

Great comments, thanks for the encouragement! I've been nervous about finding a sponsor. I guess part of me knows that getting a sponsor means "accountability" & I'm resisting and the other part of me just feels so shy (I have a way easier time talking to people when i'm drinking) I don't really know how to go about finding someone to be a sponsor.

Any ideas on "how" would be appreciated, or how you got your sponsor when you first started as I'm seeing that just going to meetings & therapy is just part of it & the "steps" is what I need to put into action.

Sapling

You remember that Higher Power you were talking about?....Ask Him to help you...Go early to a meeting and talk to the Chairperson running it...Say you are looking for a sponsor to take you through the steps and if they have any recommendations...

Dee74

glad you feel better today jstar

D

FlyerFan

Keep trying.

Firehazard

You may have heard this before: KEEP COMIN BACK

mwstylee

Hey bud, I just started reading Rational Recovery (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) and it's a book I would recommend to others. These messages your "brain" is sending out sound a lot like your addictive voice talkin!

jstar

mwstyle...def my alcoholic brain talking...bad stuff...bad...

2granddaughters

jstar, yes we feel very confused, conflicted and touchy for a while. It's the nature of the disease.
We try to manage the unmanageable and when we can't, we find it impossible to submit to the treatment. It goes right against our nature.

AA's 3rd Tradition states "“The only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking”.... do you have that desire?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R