Jilllian

Hello, as I take a few deep breaths, and start typing about this for the first time ever.

I'm a 42-year-old mother who, up until the summer of '08, never touhced, or needed to touch anything stronger than an Advil extra strength for severe pain. Four years ago I was in a car accident and began taking Oxycontin 10m 3X daily, along with Percocet 5-325 mg, 3 X daily.

Over the last year, I had been asking my primary care doctor to take me off of it. He said "No. it will be like 'peeing in the ocean.'" He never tried other weaker drugs that could have helped (Tylenol 3 maybe?). I had tried stopping cold-turkey several times with no primary care doctor support, and have always started the oxys back up to avoid (or stop altogether) any side effects that were ocurring. And sometimes I got SO close I could just taste it. But I always, always caved.

This time, I hatched a plan. I knew I would be put inpatient medically because of adrenal gland faillure, so if I presented to the ER with that, any type of withdrawals I went through would be addressed in the hospital. I thought this would be a better setting than at home where my 13-year-old daughter and 17-year-old son would be.

One afternoon, I dragged a heating pad, my blanket and pillow into the smaller bathroom (the one less used) and pitched tent there. There were times I didn't know which part of my body needed to be aimed toward the toilet. Accidents happened. I have thermostats in each room of my house and I was constantly changing them. Up and down. Up and down. As I lay helpless on that bathroom floor, I told myself that I got myself into this, and I had to just as quickly get myself out of this.

The hardest part? Being alone and being afraid that I can't do this anymore. I have no friends or family, so it was just me. I realize now as I'm reading this that I write as if it's over. I know it's not. I know it's probably just begun. I've just now realize the *hold* these oxys had(ve) on and the death grip I've created. I would pop some just if I was bored, as opposed to when I was hurting. It made me never want to leave the house. Or.Do.Anything. I missed all but 3 of my daughter's basketball games this season, her second undefeated season ever. I made excuse after excuse in my head of why I'd rather just go to my room with my computer and pills and just carry on. ALONE.

So, two weeks ago I stopped taking Oxycodone (Percocet). Cold Turkey. This was right before being admitted into the hospital for adrenal failure (yet again). The hospital staff were luckily able to do a quick taper (a week) because I said right from the get go "No more Percocet"). But *before* even going in to the hospital, I tried cold-turkeying the Percocet on my own using benzos (ativan and clonopin) when things got real tough, so I was already more than half-way there. That I had those prescribed to me already really was a blessing. At least for now. Throughout my week-long stay in the hospital, I was throwing up quite a bit.

I vomitted for several days, had a slight fever, was irritatedly uncomfortable and bitchy for a good five days. Cramps. Diarrhea. High-strung. A steady feeling of fear enveloped me ... the type you feel when you've just realized you've leaned too far back in your chair. A feeling of not even quite being there. It was awful, and my hat goes out to each and every one of you who has attempted to to this. There is not a single part of it that's easy. Notta one!!!

One afternoon, I dragged a heating pad, my blanket and pillow into the smaller bathroom (the one less used) and pitched tent there. There were times I didn't know which part of my body needed to be aimed toward the toilet. Accidents happened. I have thermostats in each room of my house and I was constantly changing them. Up and down. Up and down.

Today I asked my psychiatrist what he could do about ordering a different dose of a benzo, or a different one all together, to keep me out of benzo withdrawal. He wrote me a script and although my regular pharmacy wouldn't fill it, the one down the street did. Nothing new _ just the same stuff as before (1 mg Klonopin at bedtime, .5 mgs of Ativan 3X's day/as needed).

I have nothing to help me to go to sleep, and I do think that this is the end of it. This evening, while taking a walk, I went into the liquor store and bottle a bottle of scome Schnapps to sip from if I think the alcohol might help.

I feel tired now. Having told my story while sipping on some Schnapps (the Dr. McGillicuddy kind), I feel like I can go to sleep, and pray that tomorrow will be better.

Sapling

Welcome to SR Jilllian...That's quiite a story...You'll find a lot of good support here...We've all been there one way or the other...The thing that get's me about your story...Is your doctor...What's the story on him?...Are you being totally honest with him about what you are doing?

Zencat

Welcome to SR Jilllian.

I know the living hell it is to kick cold turkey from opioids and for me opiates too. Yet it has to be done to get free from that mess. It is well worth the effort as living free from harmful substance dependance is very nice.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR. Thanks for sharing your story, it sent chills down my spine. I'm glad you're here.

Jilllian

I'm so glad there's so much support here. I've read these pages for several years before doing this on my own..

As far as my doc not prescribing weaker meds, I came to him already on these meds, from NYC. Not sure if that has anything to do with it or not, but I've voiced my concern about these drugs several times over the last few years to him. My physiatrist is in his office (she doesn't prescribe meds) so maybe they've talked. Still though...

Sapling

That just doesn't sound right...Is it worth trying a different Doctor and talking about your intention of getting off this stuff...Possibly detoxing and getting rehab treatment?

Jilllian

I have an appointment with my current doctor to talk about just that. I called this past Monday and told him I was going through withdrawals. He can see me in May. Prior to that, he knew my plan was to get off of these meds with or without his support. He seems nice and kind enough. This is my fault because I wanted to do this my way and on my time. I had taken the week off from work, and just sorta stupidly thought that my PCP would be there for me if I needed him. I've learned this is not the case.

As for seeing another doctor, getting in to a new one around here takes months, and I'm so far into stopping these oxys (last percocet was 03/03 and last oxycontin was 03/08). I also quit chewing the nicotine gum, wanting all vices out of my system ASAP so I can start over. Not sure that's the advice I'd give someone else though.

What's crazy is that I used Klonopin and Ativan when the withdrawal from oxys got real bad, so much so that I used them up early. My psychiatrist wrote me another script for each of them, and I had to pay cash for them. I'm just grateful he did that.

My head seems clear, but today I've been having some unhinged periods - crying for no reason. Not knowing what to do with myself is a huge issue. I just began drinking alcohol to help me sleep. Prior to quitting the oxy's, I probably hadn't drank in 20 years. Not an alcoholic, just don't like the taste of it much. Not sure if I'm opening up a cane of worms here...

I do think the worst of the withdrawal is over now, and I have no intention on every taking those pain pills again. Next step is to get off the benzos I've been on for 14 years.

Do you think the worst is over now?

Thank you so very much.
This site has brought tears to my eyes, as it's made me realize how much I have in common with everyone else here fighting the good fight.

Jilllian

I am excited about the "very nice" part that you mentioned.

Sapling

That's the best he could do?...Did he say to just go along with detoxing on your own?...I don't know....As far as the starting drinking goes...This alcoholic would not recommend it..

Jilllian

As for the honesty, no - I haven't been totally honest with my doctor. He knows I've been wanting to go off the oxysx because of my physical dependence on them, but he does NOT know that I've used them recreationally. He is willing to help me get off of these, but I wasn't willing to wait until May 5th, when he had his next available appointment. I've asked for Tramadal from him as well as other non-opiate type meds, so that I can try that instead. I believe his "peeing in the ocean" comment meant that since I was on the oxys, I wouldn't be able to get relief from less potent pain relievers?

Sapling

You know you can't get any help from this guy...Till you get totally honest with him...Completely...Or why even bother having one...

Jilllian

Apparently, it is. I was very shocked by this. He did say "Go to the emergency room if you need to."

I hear what you're saying about the alcoholism. I've never had an issue with it, and if I have 3 drinks in one year, that's above average. It was a last resort for trying to get some sleep while withdrawing.

I can't believe I'm in the company of so many who have suffered through this hell. I'm not glad that you all had to, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

Thank you so much.

Jilllian

I'm not sure I even want this guy's help. I've been asking for over a year for his help and he's just put me off. He knows I'm addicted - we've had the conversation more than once. Probably by now (if he's checked) he'll see that I haven't called for my last refills for Percocet or Oxycontin. Or, he'll notice it on May 5th, when I go for my appointment. He's the kind of doc that doesn't even know your name. You're lucky if you get 5 minutes with him.

Getting a different doctor is something I'm considering. I was thinking maybe he just doesn't know anything about pain management. Or dependence and addiction issues. Still angers me a lot though, and I feel like he really hung me out to dry.

Sapling

This is what I would do...I'd take his advice...I'd go to the ER and tell them the TRUTH...I went to a 30 day rehab....About 40 people in it....10 of us were alcoholics...The other 30 were oxy's and Benzos...They had to be there for a reason...

Jilllian

The thing is ~ I'm raising two children by myself. I have no friends and family here that would take them. I took last week and this week off from work and have no time to take. I was allowed the second week off by going into the negative with my time bank.

Besides, aren't I through the worse of it since I've been off of them?

My starting day (back to work) is Monday, and I'm excited about going back.

I'm not craving the oxys (and in fact have a script of oxycontin for 20mgs 3X/day) in my car. I'm keeping it there to remind me that within the next 30 days or so, if I absolultely have to "cash in" that script, I could.

I don't want to though, and haven't felt the urge to. I feel like I've come too far.

Am I so much of a noob that I'm doing this all wrong? This is the first time I've had any addiction issues in my life.

Olivia333

Hey Jill and welcome to SR.

You will love it here, there is so much support. I'm new to this website but everyone here has been so awesome that I feel it's really helped me.

I too was an oxy addict for a few years until I finally got sick of it like you and decided to quit cold turkey. I tried 3 times to quit cold turkey and I just couldn't do it on my own.

I realized that I needed to be honest about my addiction with an addiction specialist and that was the best decision I have ever made. He put me on a treatment plan and onto a drug called suboxone (helps wean you off oxy slowly)

Now I'm down to 2mg of suboxone and I'm almost off it completely. My point is, it sounds like you know what you want, to get off the oxy. Just be honest and if your not happy with current doctor, go online and find a clinic that specifically deals with oxy addiction.

You can do it! Trust me you can. If I can do it so can you! Hang in there and stay strong. You will get through it and be able to look back and feel really proud of yourself. But I agree with sapling, you have to be honest about your addiction before anyone can help you. Some people are able to quit cold turkey and that's great but don't feel bad if you can't. It's ok to ask for help and to recieve it.

If you ever need to chat we are all here for you

Take Care! Stay Strong

Olivia

Sapling

You can muscle it out if you want....You know the ER option is there...Yeah...Addiction sucks...Lying about it ain't going to help it....Not crazy about the script in the car...You haven't had the urge...Yet....This is serious business....If you think you can do this on your own...I can't stop you...If you feel like you can't...I'd pick up that phone. I wish nothing but the best for you...Most importantly...That you are safe.

Jilllian

I suppose the smartest thing would be for me to shred that script.
I've thought about it. And then thought, "But my God, what if I really can't do this?

One of my least proud oxy-moments came last week. I was in the hospital (for adrenal failure), and the nurse put an oxycontin pill in one of those little white paper cups. There were other pills in there as well, vitamins, an ativan, and steriod). While the nurse was there, I took all but the oxy. I had a visitor and didn't want to fall asleep with her there, so I wanted to save it.

Later, when I went to take the pill, I realized I must've left it on the dinner tray and food service workers must've taken it away. I froze. What was I going to do with the next 12 hours oxy-free? Just in case though, I searched my room, and ended up finding it on the floor under my bed. And since the nurses had already been treating me in a condescending way because of the pain meds to begin with (maybe just my opinion), I felt it was my duty to inform them that it really HAD been lost, and I wasn't making that up. I showed them the pill, but would not give it to them like they asked. I'm so embarrasssed by this memory right now as I type this out, but I refused to give the pill to the nurse, plopped it in my mouth, and swallowed it infront of her. She mumbled something about "writing me up" about this, and I felt like such a jerk. All over a pill. One stinking pill.

I'm on Day 6 and can't imagine going back. I've lost four years to oxy's.

I am very, very scared of the time if (when?) I get craving to use them again.

Sapling

I guess that depends when you want to start doing the smartest thing...If it were to get to the point that you really had to have it....That would be when you look for help...Not just continue what you've been doing...

Anna

Jillian, you can get through the cravings and you can learn to live without the pills.