As New as I'll Ever Wanna'' Be to all of This:
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Thank you, guys. Someone earlier suggested Tylenol 3, so I'm going to look that up. I think the surgeon will work with me. I don't know why he is considering prescribing Nucynta - it's an opiate.
I can't believe how afraid I am of this. Am I overreacting? There has to be an alternative. If there's not, I've thought about cancelling the surgery altogether. I think my fear is getting the best of me here.
I can't believe how afraid I am of this. Am I overreacting? There has to be an alternative. If there's not, I've thought about cancelling the surgery altogether. I think my fear is getting the best of me here.
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Wow Jilllian, I read your first post and then your follow up today. So great you got off the drugs. What a heartfelt first post and what a wonderful conclusion. Hugs to you.
I would try the Tylenol 3 if it looks like it may work. No sense in taking a chance if you don't have to. Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
I would try the Tylenol 3 if it looks like it may work. No sense in taking a chance if you don't have to. Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
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Originally Posted by Cecilia44 
Wow Jilllian, I read your first post and then your follow up today. So great you got off the drugs. What a heartfelt first post and what a wonderful conclusion. Hugs to you.
I would try the Tylenol 3 if it looks like it may work. No sense in taking a chance if you don't have to. Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
I would try the Tylenol 3 if it looks like it may work. No sense in taking a chance if you don't have to. Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
i read my online xray results and my foot is broken, and likely has been for 3 months now. i don't know if the doc tried to call me with the results but if he didn't, i won't be happy. the pain isn't unbearable or anything, so maybe it healed on its own.
i hope he can reassure me that there's something i can take that isn't addictive and that it will help. i'm kind of psyching myself up for just doing it with tylenol and soldering through.
i just don't know if i can. and this dang eye twitch is driving me insane!!
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Jillian, Thanks for your update and for bringing this post to the top. You have been through so much. YOur story is so powerful. I would absolutely INSIST that you not be given any sort of opiate painkillers. Do not fill the prescription if they give it to you. From what you described dealing with the pain of recovery from surgery will be a million times easier than what you went through on the painkillers. If I were in your shoes I'd rather grit my teeth and suffer through a few weeks of surgery pain than ever go back to where you were. 2 and a half years is major! You don't want to throw that away.
Best of luck to you, please keep us updated, I will be thinking of you. You are so courageous, you can do this.
Best of luck to you, please keep us updated, I will be thinking of you. You are so courageous, you can do this.
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Originally Posted by Jilllian
Wow - 2 1/2 years after I first posted here, and my original post has brought me to tears.
There's no way back then that I could have possibly have predicted how great my life could be. I feel great. I feel blessed every.single.day. I'm grateful for things I never paid attention to before, when I was weighed down with oxys - the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, peace in my head, and love in my heart.
Life's not perfect, but I didn't expect it would be. I still have social anxiety and don't have much of a social life, but given where I was 2 1/2 years ago, I can't complain. In my first post I wrote, " I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't." I have zero desire to sleep any day away to dull emotional pain. I don't have emotional pain anymore. I'm not a slave to oxys anymore.
I came here tonight to post about an upcoming surgery on my foot I'm having in a week. I had my other foot done 10 years ago, and the pain was terrible, so I know what I'm in for. I talked to my surgeon and told him I was really scared about pain medicine. He said he would prescribe Nucynta. I've looked it up tonight, and I'm still scared because it's an opiate. I'm so scared I've developed a twitch in my eye that's been there for a couple of days now.
I wish everyone here the strength to slay their dragons, kill their demons and live a clean life. It's so worth the struggle. Keep fighting the good fight. There is hope. If I can do it, anyone can. Stick around here - I got the support I needed 2 1/2 years ago, and still check in from time to time. This place is a life saver. You are NOT alone!
There's no way back then that I could have possibly have predicted how great my life could be. I feel great. I feel blessed every.single.day. I'm grateful for things I never paid attention to before, when I was weighed down with oxys - the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, peace in my head, and love in my heart.
Life's not perfect, but I didn't expect it would be. I still have social anxiety and don't have much of a social life, but given where I was 2 1/2 years ago, I can't complain. In my first post I wrote, " I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't." I have zero desire to sleep any day away to dull emotional pain. I don't have emotional pain anymore. I'm not a slave to oxys anymore.
I came here tonight to post about an upcoming surgery on my foot I'm having in a week. I had my other foot done 10 years ago, and the pain was terrible, so I know what I'm in for. I talked to my surgeon and told him I was really scared about pain medicine. He said he would prescribe Nucynta. I've looked it up tonight, and I'm still scared because it's an opiate. I'm so scared I've developed a twitch in my eye that's been there for a couple of days now.
I wish everyone here the strength to slay their dragons, kill their demons and live a clean life. It's so worth the struggle. Keep fighting the good fight. There is hope. If I can do it, anyone can. Stick around here - I got the support I needed 2 1/2 years ago, and still check in from time to time. This place is a life saver. You are NOT alone!
I tried Mobic for the pain, and after a day and a half of wanting to saw my leg off, I caved to the oxys the doc had prescribed. I'm okay though. In fact, I hate them now more than ever. How can that be? There was a time in my life just 2 1/2 years ago that I would have given anything for these evil pills! Annnythiiinnngg.
I'm taking the lowest dose they come in, and then cutting that in half. They take the pain away completely, but make me pretty sleepy. And nauseous. I have a garbage pail near my bed. I don't know what I saw in these pills before.
I see the doc on Tuesday, and have a call in to him today to ask if I need to wean off them or if I can stop them abruptly since I've only been taking them regularly for five days.
I was scared to death of this surgery because I'm such a baby when it comes to pain. And I was scared of my evil nemesis Oxycodone! Maybe I'm a hypochondriac. When I have heartburn, I think I'm in cardiac arrest. When I get a twitch in a muscle, I think I'm having a stroke. When I get a cold, I think it's cancer.
I'm okay, and that makes me so happy. These pills don't have a hold on me like they did just a few years ago. I win!!!
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I don't win anything.
This is harder now for some reason than it was a few days ago when I hated the nauseous feeling they gave me and wondered how I could have possibly gotten hooked on them.
Now I'm laying in bed pain-free, but realizing I should have never opened that Pandora's Box.
What was I thinking? Had I forgotten the hold they had on me the first time?
Now what?
This is harder now for some reason than it was a few days ago when I hated the nauseous feeling they gave me and wondered how I could have possibly gotten hooked on them.
Now I'm laying in bed pain-free, but realizing I should have never opened that Pandora's Box.
What was I thinking? Had I forgotten the hold they had on me the first time?
Now what?
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I think you will be able to get off them again. Make sure the doc is aware of your past.
There are supervised plans to get off them. You need pain meds to reduce inflammation so healing can take place.
I believe you know enough to ask for help if you find yourself in over your head once the pain subsides.
TALK to the doctor! TALK to an addiction/pain management person.
I think the most important thing is not to let your thoughts get carried away. There is a way out and it is honesty. Don't get spun out on the panic.
There are supervised plans to get off them. You need pain meds to reduce inflammation so healing can take place.
I believe you know enough to ask for help if you find yourself in over your head once the pain subsides.
TALK to the doctor! TALK to an addiction/pain management person.
I think the most important thing is not to let your thoughts get carried away. There is a way out and it is honesty. Don't get spun out on the panic.
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Originally Posted by Jilllian
I moved back here, "home" to the most quaint and picturesque village in upstate NY in June of 2009. I haven't left my bedroom since. That's almost 3 straight years lying in bed, and pretty much doing nothing but feeling sad about why my life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it and planned it too.
I remember the first time trying to get oxys in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
I remember the first time trying to get oxys in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
I'm proud of myself. I haven't said that about myself often throughout my life when addiction fed my appetite for self-hate.
It feels as if the past is so far away from me, but I remember how things in your rear view mirror really are closer than they appear. This is by design, I think. It just has to be!
I made it through my surgery 9 months ago with a few of the pain meds I once loved, but now fear, with no desire to abuse them. I did look forward to the freebie buzz that came along with dulling the post-operative pain though. I took them for two weeks or so, and then weaned off nicely.
In the throes of oxy addiction, I never would have imagined living life free of pills. Free of that slavery. Free of sheer and utter torment. I was fearful of losing my job. I was doing a **** poor job of raising my children. I was so stuck in myself! That was an awfully dark and scary place that I never want to visit again. I have a new house now and have been excelling at work for the past few years. I love my job. I love my life.
I don't dread waking up in the morning anymore. I embrace it. I notice little things that make me happy - a bright blue sky, the sweet smell of flowers in the air, a slight breeze through the trees, bird chirping...all things I didn't take notice of before.
I'll never be one of those perpetually happy chippy people you see always with a smile on their face (you know who I mean). But I'm happy. Thank God!
Please, whatever you do, if you're coming here to read others' stories of recovery, know one thing above all else: YOU CAN DO THIS. Cast all doubt aside. Listen to others who, like you, stared addiction in the face with determination, as well as fear. The road to recovery is waiting for you. That road may look scary, but when it widens and brightens, you'll know and feel what's been promised to you.
Even if that first step weighs a thousand pounds, please take it.
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Jillian, thanks for sharing. But oh boy, now I'm nervous and a bit scared. I'm on a pretty hard narcotic schedule and will be for at least the next 8 weeks. I feel a little different when I take them but certainly don't feel high. I DO NOT want to get hooked on these things (oxy, percocet and valuum). I guess its just going to be another hurdle to get over, bridge to cross....pick you cliche'. and for me alcohol is not the answer. Anyway, I'm really glad to hear you made it. Good for you.
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