As New as I'll Ever Wanna'' Be to all of This:
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
I moved back here, "home" to the most quaint and picturesque village in upstate NY in June of 2009. I haven't left my bedroom since. That's almost 3 straight years lying in bed, and pretty much doing nothing but feeling sad about why my life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it and planned it too. I left a man who loved me very much, and who I loved as much right back. I knew I couldn't live up to his expectations. Not with the amount of pain killers I was taking to numb my emotional pain. Summer was coming, and I couldn't wait for my daughter to finish the 4th grade, and my son to finish the 8th, so we could hightail it back "home."
I remember the first time trying to get them in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
I remember the first time trying to get them in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Jillian,
I really admire you for getting off the pills. It sounds like you have gone through quite a bit, and there you are - just swinging away. I don't have anything to say, just wanted to tell you that you are brave and strong....I hope you give yourself some credit.
You sound like a wonderful person - don't short change yourself anymore. You deserve to be happy, and to know you are being the best mother that you can be. Take care and please keep us posted on how you are doing. ((hugs)) Elizabeth
I really admire you for getting off the pills. It sounds like you have gone through quite a bit, and there you are - just swinging away. I don't have anything to say, just wanted to tell you that you are brave and strong....I hope you give yourself some credit.
You sound like a wonderful person - don't short change yourself anymore. You deserve to be happy, and to know you are being the best mother that you can be. Take care and please keep us posted on how you are doing. ((hugs)) Elizabeth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Sapling 
You can muscle it out if you want....You know the ER option is there...Yeah...Addiction sucks...Lying about it ain't going to help it....Not crazy about the script in the car...You haven't had the urge...Yet....This is serious business....If you think you can do this on your own...I can't stop you...If you feel like you can't...I'd pick up that phone. I wish nothing but the best for you...Most importantly...That you are safe.
Cravings. I spent hours wrestling between "just once more buzz won't hurt you" and "remember all the reasons why you're doing this." Back and Forth. Back and Forth. Doesn't matter that I have that script in my car either. I could always just get another one from my boyfriend.
I want to call him. I want to tell him everything. Maybe he knows? I've blown him off date after date after date, finally seeing him this past Sunday after a month of making excuses because I just didn't want to leave the house. And Sunday was awkward. I felt like I was there to get a script rather than enjoy each other's company. That's terrible.
I'm so scared. I'm the one who's alwasy been the strong one. The one who people came to for help. I don't want Eric to think that I'm weak. He's so gosh-darned put together. What would he want with someone who's coming unglued because she wants an oxy fix?
Maybe I had higher expectations for my 6th day.
And maybe tomorrow will be a better day. That said though, I didn't use, and that's what I wanted to accomplish today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Jilllian
I want to call him. I want to tell him everything. Maybe he knows? I've blown him off date after date after date, finally seeing him this past Sunday after a month of making excuses because I just didn't want to leave the house. And Sunday was awkward. I felt like I was there to get a script rather than enjoy each other's company. That's terrible.
Grateful Alcoholic
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: 4th Dimension
Posts: 18
Jilllian, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to about 90% what your going through right now. I have been at that low spot. Except, it took me 15 yrs to start asking for help. I so wish the best for you and hope you get through this.
Here is some of my story if your interested. I guess my point of telling it is that I know what it's like to be hooked on oxy's, I know where it eventually leads and I know what it's like to be hopeless and scared. But I no longer have to live that way, I have found a new way to live which I'll be forever grateful for. And, if someone like me can do it... I know it doesn't seem like it when you're stuck in that low point, anyone can do it.
I've always liked to drink, but when I found opiates, I found the love of my life. Oxy's fixed everything for me, made (or so I thought at the time) my life managable. This went on for so long... fast fwd... the last few years everything was on the line. It made me do things that no one in the world could've told me I would have been doing. I rarely showed up for work... I was "working from home"... really I was just sick/didn't want to go outside my house and the only way I knew to get better was to do some more pills, which didn't really help anyway... actually in the end, it didn't matter what it was, any kind of opiate... heroin was the cheapest where I live, so again, one of the things I would've never thought I'd ever do. Before I knew it a year... 3... 5 went by like this. I have a very good job and somehow I managed to keep it for that long, think it was out of being terrified that if i lost it I wouldnt be able to support my habbit any longer. I was told by my boss that I was pretty much on my way out the door, I knew I was messed up, but there was no way I could let anyone know... I hid it so well (or so I thought). So, my career on the line, no real friends left except my girlfriend for a couple years who was just about as messed up as me. My life going down really fast and all I could think was that if I just had another pill it would be OK. I can remember crying... tears and all.. looking at a full bottle of pills because I knew there was nothing I could do about it, that I would have to live this way the rest of my life and that I should just except it... so I did. I HATED myself for everything. Not being the father I should have been (I have an 11yr old son) was on the top of my list of reasons I hated myself. And the self hatred that came with watching my girlfriend, Angel, die from an overdose as I gave her CPR I have no words for. I was stuck, I couldn't let anyone know how messed up I really was... no way. After all, I was a professional with a good career. I was delusional. I was tired, so tired, I wasn't sure how much longer I could go on like this. Being to scared to put a gun in my mouth I would wish for a car reck or something of the sort to take my life. One day... and I'm not really sure why or how, I was long past the point of resesting this thing, something clicked for me and I had decided... for real this time (there had been so many) that I was finished, I was going to quite for real this time. This time I actually reached out for help. This was the single scariest/hardest thing I've ever done. I came clean with everyone. My work, family, friends (which one's I had left). This was the begining of the rest (and best part) of my life. It all goes back to that first phone call I made to ask for help... I could've never did this on my own. Also, I have to say, everyone I thought didn't know... knew, every single one of them. And, everyone that knew me was happy to see me come clean and wanting to get better. This is the total oposite reaction that I thought I'd get.
Today my life is so much more than I thought it would ever be. I have no words to describe it.
Here is some of my story if your interested. I guess my point of telling it is that I know what it's like to be hooked on oxy's, I know where it eventually leads and I know what it's like to be hopeless and scared. But I no longer have to live that way, I have found a new way to live which I'll be forever grateful for. And, if someone like me can do it... I know it doesn't seem like it when you're stuck in that low point, anyone can do it.
I've always liked to drink, but when I found opiates, I found the love of my life. Oxy's fixed everything for me, made (or so I thought at the time) my life managable. This went on for so long... fast fwd... the last few years everything was on the line. It made me do things that no one in the world could've told me I would have been doing. I rarely showed up for work... I was "working from home"... really I was just sick/didn't want to go outside my house and the only way I knew to get better was to do some more pills, which didn't really help anyway... actually in the end, it didn't matter what it was, any kind of opiate... heroin was the cheapest where I live, so again, one of the things I would've never thought I'd ever do. Before I knew it a year... 3... 5 went by like this. I have a very good job and somehow I managed to keep it for that long, think it was out of being terrified that if i lost it I wouldnt be able to support my habbit any longer. I was told by my boss that I was pretty much on my way out the door, I knew I was messed up, but there was no way I could let anyone know... I hid it so well (or so I thought). So, my career on the line, no real friends left except my girlfriend for a couple years who was just about as messed up as me. My life going down really fast and all I could think was that if I just had another pill it would be OK. I can remember crying... tears and all.. looking at a full bottle of pills because I knew there was nothing I could do about it, that I would have to live this way the rest of my life and that I should just except it... so I did. I HATED myself for everything. Not being the father I should have been (I have an 11yr old son) was on the top of my list of reasons I hated myself. And the self hatred that came with watching my girlfriend, Angel, die from an overdose as I gave her CPR I have no words for. I was stuck, I couldn't let anyone know how messed up I really was... no way. After all, I was a professional with a good career. I was delusional. I was tired, so tired, I wasn't sure how much longer I could go on like this. Being to scared to put a gun in my mouth I would wish for a car reck or something of the sort to take my life. One day... and I'm not really sure why or how, I was long past the point of resesting this thing, something clicked for me and I had decided... for real this time (there had been so many) that I was finished, I was going to quite for real this time. This time I actually reached out for help. This was the single scariest/hardest thing I've ever done. I came clean with everyone. My work, family, friends (which one's I had left). This was the begining of the rest (and best part) of my life. It all goes back to that first phone call I made to ask for help... I could've never did this on my own. Also, I have to say, everyone I thought didn't know... knew, every single one of them. And, everyone that knew me was happy to see me come clean and wanting to get better. This is the total oposite reaction that I thought I'd get.
Today my life is so much more than I thought it would ever be. I have no words to describe it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
That's awesome Gr8ful4Life...How did you do it?....Did you use a program or just stop on your own?...This sounds like me...Replace opiates with alcohol...And it is....I needed help because I couldn't do it alone.
Grateful Alcoholic
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: 4th Dimension
Posts: 18
Yes, I most deffently needed something... could never have done it on my own. I found AA though a treatment center. Wasn't all that much into it at first. After all, I was in treatment for opiates not alcohol, alcohol was not an issue (or so I thought at first). I would realize later that I did just replace one for the other, or if I didn't have opiates I would drink. I did find some useful information while listening there, but for a while didn't take it farther than just listening. I did notice that everyone seemed to be so happy and content... after a while I wanted to be that way. I wanted what they had but never thought it was possible. So, yeah, I got a sponsor, did whatever was suggested to me (for the most part) and worked the steps... and wow, all those promises they talked about came true.
For me, "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" is by far the most amazing. After loosing Angel, I never thought I would be able to live with myself. Now, I work with other's... have a couple of sponsee's who are amazing to work with and who are such a great part of my life. And I really just try to use my past experences to help other people.
Which, of course, is another one of the promises coming true : )
For me, "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" is by far the most amazing. After loosing Angel, I never thought I would be able to live with myself. Now, I work with other's... have a couple of sponsee's who are amazing to work with and who are such a great part of my life. And I really just try to use my past experences to help other people.
Which, of course, is another one of the promises coming true : )
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 92
Welcome Jillian!
You are so brave!!!!!! Congratulations for acknowledging you have a problem and getting yourself off of the pills. You are not "weak" or "pathetic." My goodness, you are 6 days clean, that is amazing. You mentioned a poor support system, what about a NA meeting? You can use that phone list when the cravings get bad. I am on day 45 and i cry randomly all the time, i did last night- it is totally normal. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life-give yourself a break! One day at a time, you can do this. Please take good care of yourself. xoxo
You are so brave!!!!!! Congratulations for acknowledging you have a problem and getting yourself off of the pills. You are not "weak" or "pathetic." My goodness, you are 6 days clean, that is amazing. You mentioned a poor support system, what about a NA meeting? You can use that phone list when the cravings get bad. I am on day 45 and i cry randomly all the time, i did last night- it is totally normal. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life-give yourself a break! One day at a time, you can do this. Please take good care of yourself. xoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
So far so good. The cravings are bad. I had a script for more oxys and kept it in my car "just in case I couldn't do this." I ended up shredding it yesterday because it was too much of a temptation and I kept thinking about going to the pharmacy to fill it the whole time I had it.
Day #8. I want to be able to say "Week #8" and then "Year #8". I guess this is what "one day at a time" means?
I'm thinking with much more clarity, I've noticed. Like my head isn't in so much of a fog. Still no drive and ambition, and not sure how to get there. Maybe I'm wanting things too quickly.
Day #8. I want to be able to say "Week #8" and then "Year #8". I guess this is what "one day at a time" means?
I'm thinking with much more clarity, I've noticed. Like my head isn't in so much of a fog. Still no drive and ambition, and not sure how to get there. Maybe I'm wanting things too quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
So, it's after 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm still in bed.
Sleeping is very difficulty for me.
Getting moving is even more difficult.
I took this past week off from work to go through withdrawals, and that's pretty much done and over with (I hope). It was awful. My kids were in school and have their after school activiites so I was pretty much alone the whole time, which is how I had planned it. It's always been very difficult for me to ask for help.
I paid for a subscription to Netflix and Hulu online, and tried to kill some times that way. Just this morning, I've watched two movies.
I'm not sure I'm doing this right. Is it okay to mourn something so selfdestructive as a love affair with oxys? I've always been raised to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and carry on. No mourning. No feeling sorry for yourself. No crying. Just keep moving.
I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday becuase it will get me into a routine again. I know I have to change some things in my life...start paying attention to things, not letting mail pile up, cleaning more, paying more attention to what matters, and less attention to what doesn't...
Sleeping is very difficulty for me.
Getting moving is even more difficult.
I took this past week off from work to go through withdrawals, and that's pretty much done and over with (I hope). It was awful. My kids were in school and have their after school activiites so I was pretty much alone the whole time, which is how I had planned it. It's always been very difficult for me to ask for help.
I paid for a subscription to Netflix and Hulu online, and tried to kill some times that way. Just this morning, I've watched two movies.
I'm not sure I'm doing this right. Is it okay to mourn something so selfdestructive as a love affair with oxys? I've always been raised to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and carry on. No mourning. No feeling sorry for yourself. No crying. Just keep moving.
I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday becuase it will get me into a routine again. I know I have to change some things in my life...start paying attention to things, not letting mail pile up, cleaning more, paying more attention to what matters, and less attention to what doesn't...
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
It is normal to mourn the loss of alcohol in our lives, I have done this, too. It was my best friend, it was there to numb me no matter how sad or how happy I was. It was me and my Al K. Hall. Just us. Best of friends, until I was betrayed and no longer stayed friends.
Mourning is normal. Now, I find that many old habits and ideas need an overhaul. Emotions are okay to have, even if I don't enjoy having them, I can feel them and move on. Kinda go with the flow. Sometimes I find that writing a letter to Al K. Hall helps. Some people have shared theirs on SR, too.
Go ahead and mourn the loss, then you may find moving forward easier.
I wish you well!
Peace,
Mourning is normal. Now, I find that many old habits and ideas need an overhaul. Emotions are okay to have, even if I don't enjoy having them, I can feel them and move on. Kinda go with the flow. Sometimes I find that writing a letter to Al K. Hall helps. Some people have shared theirs on SR, too.
Go ahead and mourn the loss, then you may find moving forward easier.
I wish you well!
Peace,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Jilllian
I moved back here, "home" to the most quaint and picturesque village in upstate NY in June of 2009. I haven't left my bedroom since. That's almost 3 straight years lying in bed, and pretty much doing nothing but feeling sad about why my life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it and planned it too. I left a man who loved me very much, and who I loved as much right back. I knew I couldn't live up to his expectations. Not with the amount of pain killers I was taking to numb my emotional pain. Summer was coming, and I couldn't wait for my daughter to finish the 4th grade, and my son to finish the 8th, so we could hightail it back "home."
I remember the first time trying to get them in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
I remember the first time trying to get them in the city (NYC) - the pharmacist said they didn't have them. I thought, "hmmm....that's weird." Three more pharmacies later, same thing. The bullet proof glass in front of the pharmacy areas should have clued me into the dangers of these pills. And to their savage darkness.
But once I found them, and experienced what they could do, I felt immediate relief. And freedom. Pain-free. Freedom to do all of the physical things I couldn't do after my accident. I felt like I had my life back, plus a little buzz to go along with it. I moved in with my (now) ex, in January of 2008. My only job was to get better. He would take care of everything else. I didn't get better, though. Things got worse. I became a person I didn't know. Once vibrant and fun, I was now scared and skittish, not wanting to do anything, or to be seen outside unless aboslutely necessary. How was I going to manage these tennis lessons he signed me up for? And sailing? As silly as this sounds, these two thoughts are what drove me to leave him. I was petrified of leaving my cocoon of an existence. To interact with others face-to-face. I had no desire. I knew I couldn't do it.
I did the housework and cooking and yard work and things like that, but only because they had to be done. I got no joy out of gardening anymore. Things became very strained between my ex and I. He didn't try to understand. I told him I was depressed, but didn't know why. He wanted to fix me, but didn't know how.
Fast forward to June of 2009, and we had agreed to separate. I moved back to the home my children were before. And I didn't leave this home really until I began working again in February of 2010. I didn't leave my bedroom until that time, only to go grocery shopping at one of those 24-hour superstore type places every once in a while.
I popped a pill before my alarm clock even went off each morning. I got the kids off to school mostly with verbal prompts from my bedroom. We ate out at least 5 nights each week, because I was zapped of the energy to cook, which is something I once enjoyed doing very much. I went from singing and listening to music while ironing my son's school uniforms in the evning, to grabbing and smelling what might or might not have been a clean uniform off his bedroom floor, throwing it in the dryer, and a few minutes later, calling it dewrinkled enough to wear.
Fast forward almost 3 years later, and I'm in bed as I type this. The only thing that seems to have changed is my location. And the ages and heights of my two wonderful kids. I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't.
Some moments and days, I'm all gung-ho, and "I CAN DO THIS!!" and other moments/days, I'm saying to myself, "I'm in pain again. I should get that script filled and THEN start stopping. Yeah, that's a better idea. I've got the rest of the week off from work, and can get high as a kite as a going away gift to myself, and THEN I'll stop."
It's sick.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I am mortified that I'm an addict and have hid this from him for the last year. He prescribes suboxone to some of his patients. He wrote my last prescription for oxys for me because he's convinced my primary care doctor is an idiot. He has me come in monthly for an assessment and has been writing the scripts for two months now. What he doesn't now is that for the first month, I filled both my PCP's prescirptions AND my boyfriend's prescriptions, paying cash for the scripts my boyfriend wrote, and allowing the others to go through my insurance.
What a tangled web I've weaved.
He would be so proud of me if he knew today was my 6th day of being totally clean. Or, perhaps he'd want to cut all ties with me now, because being with an addict isn't a walk in the park. Either way, I'd never know because I shut my phone off in the moring and don't turn it on until nighttime, and even then just to see what calls I've missed.
I've done so many terrible things on these drugs and want the madness to end.
If being almost past the 6th mark is a good thing, then great. But unfortunately, I had no plan besides "Eff this. I'm done. Life's too short."
I really hadn't thought this through very welll.....
There's no way back then that I could have possibly have predicted how great my life could be. I feel great. I feel blessed every.single.day. I'm grateful for things I never paid attention to before, when I was weighed down with oxys - the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, peace in my head, and love in my heart.
Life's not perfect, but I didn't expect it would be. I still have social anxiety and don't have much of a social life, but given where I was 2 1/2 years ago, I can't complain. In my first post I wrote, " I still wish I could sleep the day away so that I didn't experience any emotional pain, but I can't." I have zero desire to sleep any day away to dull emotional pain. I don't have emotional pain anymore. I'm not a slave to oxys anymore.
I came here tonight to post about an upcoming surgery on my foot I'm having in a week. I had my other foot done 10 years ago, and the pain was terrible, so I know what I'm in for. I talked to my surgeon and told him I was really scared about pain medicine. He said he would prescribe Nucynta. I've looked it up tonight, and I'm still scared because it's an opiate. I'm so scared I've developed a twitch in my eye that's been there for a couple of days now.
I wish everyone here the strength to slay their dragons, kill their demons and live a clean life. It's so worth the struggle. Keep fighting the good fight. There is hope. If I can do it, anyone can. Stick around here - I got the support I needed 2 1/2 years ago, and still check in from time to time. This place is a life saver. You are NOT alone!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
It's great to hear from you Jilllian - I'm so glad you're enjoying your new sober life.
Can't the doctor prescribe something safer for you? Sometimes we really have to insist. I hope the second foot operation will turn out less painful. Keep posting & let us know how it's going.
Can't the doctor prescribe something safer for you? Sometimes we really have to insist. I hope the second foot operation will turn out less painful. Keep posting & let us know how it's going.
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