Need Advice Please!
 

On Friday I'm traveling out of state to visit my father and stepmother. On her good days my stepmother is extremely difficult and on her bad days she is toxic. She has been having these phony mini breakdowns to keep me and my sisters from visiting but I finally got her to agree to let me visit. I'm happy because my dad is 87 and I need to spend time with him while I can (step mom is only 68). But.....I always drank too much when I visited them before. She would make me so anxious and angry and I used too many glasses of wine to cope. So I need advice on how to cope with a difficult family member sober. I have a feeling we drinkers have lots of difficult family members!! I have a good excuse not to drink because I'm going from their house to my sister's house and I'm staying with my sister for the night. I don't want to go into the whole quitting drinking thing because my stepmother will pounce on that and make huge deal and just thinking about it makes me crazy! My second problem is my sister and brother-in-law are drinkers, not drunks but alcohol will be around. I feel really good being sober but I don't want to get complacent. Any advice would be appreciated!!

:a108:

I can't remember what program you use Katrinka..Or how much time you have...Little help?

It's not the Caboose of the train that kills you. It's the Engine.
It's not the 15th drink that gets you into trouble it is the first.
Visit, have fun. Go do something else. And call a recovering person.

Pray for that person that is winding you up and pray not to get angry....even if you do not pray

:ghug3

That's actually pretty good advice...That's what I'd do..

Nobody can make you drink but you. Your stepmother can be the worst person on earth, but you can decide how you will deal with her. Don't let her give you a reason to drink. Nothing matters more than your sobriety.

In between visits with your father/stepmother, do something relaxing and fun. Treat yourself. Go shopping, see a movie, something you enjoy. And if you are tempted to drink at any time:

1. Remember your last drunk.
2. Remember your last hangover.
3. Remember the despair, hopelessness, frustration and self loathing.
4. Remember how hard it was when you first quit and imagine what it would be like to have to do that again ... if you were even ABLE to quit again.
5. Compare your new life of sobriety to your old life of drinking and ask yourself which one feels better.
6. Repeat 1-5.

I think you will do just fine; you're already well aware of how this woman makes you feel, so arm yourself in advance with a plan and be ready for her. Don't let her win.

Have an exit plan for where ever you go. Be ready to walk out of any place, any time it becomes overwhelming. Politely excuse yourself as soon as you see it coming. In questionable situations if someone has to leave, with the only transportation, go with them. Letting others know that your plan is to exit, if you find yourself having difficulty, may also make it easier on everyone . Also plan (in so far as is possible) what you will DO after you leave and find yourself upset.

Make sure you have plenty of whatever Non Alcoholic beverage you drink on hand...I always carry a bottle of spring water...Nobody bothers me that way...I was going to say..If you are in AA...Check out a meeting or two while you're there...Always nice to meet new sober people...They make great tour guides for any free time you have there.

Sapling, I'm at 73 days and doing pretty good. I don't use any program except SR. I love the spring water idea, so simple but effective!! Thanks

Thanks everyone, this is all great advice. I do pray a lot and that helps.

Desertsong, I think I will write a remember list and keep it with me.

I always tell me peopel I cannot drink because I take antihistamines for my allergies. Works all the time. People leave me alone.

A "remember list" is a great idea! Best of luck to you!

Sounds like you are all set...Have fun!

I read some good advice once on dealing with toxic family members, specifically ones you don't see much. for you, set it in stone that you won't drink. get that settled. realize that this lady is going to drain you mentally dry before the visit is done. know that and you will be ready when it starts. it may even help you be more graceful as you endure the visit. go there with your tank on full. by this I mean you will maybe be doing some exercise( walking, whatever) to keep your mood elevated. it also means you can have a book started that really has you interested. that's something you can do while there too, along with walking. anything to have something to do. eat well.
and remember the most important reason you are there, to visit your dad.

Try to remember the story of two wolves.... sometimes it brings clarity to me when I have to resolve some time-tested problems.

Each of us has two wolves inside us...one representing the light and the way foward, the other being negativity, self-loathing and hatred. They go to battle.

Q: Which one will win????

A: The one we choose to feed....


We always, always have choices in the way we respond.....be true to yourself and your sober path.

thank you newleaves and wellwisher, nice thoughts!