How do you deal with the regret? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-12-2012, 01:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Foster's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3

How do you deal with the regret?


Today is day 3 for me, but my bewitching hour has arrived, it's 4:15 I am am ready to go get my wine for the evening.... today all I could do was think about all the things I've lost and regret due to my many, many years of drinking, eating disorder and codependent thinking ...for some reason I have just recently started thinking about how things could have been if I wasn't so blinded by addiction when I was younger. It's becoming obsessive and over bearing thinking,(I've been diagnosed with OCD) and when that happens, I am ready to give in and check out with wine. I really thought that this time I could quit, physically I feel great, but the thinking is so bad. I feel I've wasted so much time due to my addictions that it's too late and why bother (I will turn 48 the end of this month). I really have messed everything up. Career is going no where, I have no friends, no social outlets, no hobbies (drinking is my hobby). ..No kids (which I regret terribly) I really feel I have no life.

I know AA is probably the best solution at this moment (go to a meeting - get with people), but NO ONE knows about my drinking -- NO ONE, my husband has no idea, and I would NEVER tell him ever. Can't just say, sweetie I am off to a meeting.... I hope that does not sound bad. I think AA is great, but would be too afraid to reveal who I am... you know what, as I write this I am really learning a lot about myself ..... wow I feel shame, I hide everything, that's a huge problem. I can't believe I am writing so much, but it is helping me not want to run to the store right now and get a box of wine (yes, a box!!! ugh).

Too afraid to be honest with my husband - problem - feel ashamed to go to AA - problem - no social outlets - problem ..... wasted too much time and want to drink so I can waste even more time - problem. I think I am answering my own questions here.... but really, if anyone can help me learn how to get through the feelings of regret and remorse that I battle all day long it would be really helpful .

I really feel I can take what I have now and make something meaningful out of it - even though my husband and I are on shaky ground (he does not drink at all or do anything addictive at all). He is many years older than me and we have grown apart is so many ways (together 18 years). We both agree that we are more friends than a married couple - it's very sad, we love each other, but there is nothing left that resembles a happily married couple. We stay together I think because we are afraid to be apart/alone.

So, that is where I am right now. Can't stop the negative thoughts and the regret all day. Feel that I have accomplished nothing in life worthwhile - And don't know how to turn that around .

I've been lurking at SR for quite sometime now and I have learned and been inspired by so many people, I am so grateful to everyone. I am grateful to be able to write this as it has really opened my eyes into why I want to go get that box of wine... writing it makes things clearer for sure. I think I really want to make it to day 4, feel good tomorrow morning and work on the rest of my life. Thanks for letting me share!!
Foster is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 21 Users Say Thank You to Foster For This Useful Post:
albatulipan (03-13-2012), BASEjumper (03-13-2012), BobGT (03-13-2012), debsam (03-12-2012), DisplacedGRITS (03-12-2012), eJoshua (03-12-2012), foodie1 (03-15-2012), GirlFromCO (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), jessonthewagon (03-12-2012), JustBreath (03-12-2012), Luvdogs (03-12-2012), MemphisBlues (03-13-2012), nel68 (03-14-2012), NewBeginning010 (03-13-2012), Primrose (03-12-2012), ReadyAndAble (03-12-2012), Scolova (03-12-2012), sissy07 (03-14-2012), SomethingBetter (03-12-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 01:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I found my recovery through AA. I wish you the best in your chosen path.

When you get some sober time under your belt your thoughts and mood will change.

Bob R
2granddaughters is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to 2granddaughters For This Useful Post:
DayTrader (03-13-2012), Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 02:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
Editor
 
lookinforward's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pensacola, Florida
Posts: 1,515
Welcome Foster! You are having regrets about the past and time lost..... I understand this completely. I looked back at all the years I wasted looking for the buzz and it made me sick. Be honest with your husband but most importantly with yourself. The regret will pass as you build up steam. Live for each day and live it the best that you can. I started this journey by myself....my wife had heard me say I was quitting 100's of times...so she did not believe it until I was into my 8th month. I too was embarrassed to go to an AA meeting. That is why I started here,But I was determined that if SR was not enough...that I would be there sitting on the front row the first time that I needed more. Many ask what route of recovery works the best....the one that works for you. Look into all of them and see what fits you best. For me it turns out that I needed SR. I needed a place to vent and tell people what I had been hiding for many years. I took a route that many possibly look down upon or doubt. But I am becoming a better me every day. You can do this too. I drank for 30 years...... Is it worth the work and struggle. Yes! It opens your eyes to a whole new world.
I wish you best on your journey
peace
DAve
__________________
3/28/2014 looking forward again
"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!" Dr.Seuss my therapist.
lookinforward is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to lookinforward For This Useful Post:
debsam (03-12-2012), Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), Luvdogs (03-12-2012), ReadyAndAble (03-12-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 02:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,347
__________________
Someday it will all make sense, so laugh at confusion, smile through tears,
& remind yourself it All happens for a reason.


All Big Book quotes are from the 1st edition.
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Sober since May 16, 2011
sugarbear1 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sugarbear1 For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 03:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter
 
hector's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 338
Welcome, Foster. Thanks for sharing. You're helping people.

The word "Anonymous" in AA means your recovery can be private. We don't use last names. Everyone there, including people you know, are honor bound not to tell anyone you were there, and they trust you to keep their attendance to yourself. It's in the Twelve Traditions.

"I really feel I can take what I have now and make something meaningful out of it." You're right, you can. So can I. 48 isn't very old.

Regrets and remorse? We all have them, non-alcoholics too. The Twelve Steps, applied to the best of your ability, help to deal with them. A saying that I find helpful is "No matter what your past looks like, your future is spotless."

You may (or may not) find that your husband knows a lot more about your drinking than you think he does. He needs Al-Anon at least as much as you need AA.

Since you've been lurking, you know you're not alone. You're not even unique. Lots of folks have similar problems. I urge you to go to the AA website and read the forewords and Doctor's Opinion of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. It will remove your shame.

We're not bad people trying to get good, we're sick people trying to get well.

Read that over a few times to make sure it sinks in. You seem to be an alcoholic. If you were a diabetic or had Parkinson's, would you be ashamed? Or would you seek treatment that works?

AA works for me. My sobriety date is Nov. 27, 1988. I'll talk to God about you.
__________________


Rocket scientist, how insulting! - Sheldon, Big Bang Theory


How do you eat an elephant? .......... One bite at a time. :
hector is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to hector For This Useful Post:
artsoul (03-13-2012), daffyneedsme2 (03-12-2012), DayTrader (03-13-2012), debsam (03-12-2012), Foster (03-13-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), janiebluebird (03-13-2012), Lily (03-12-2012), Purplecatlover (03-12-2012), SomethingBetter (03-12-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 03:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Catskill Mtns.
Posts: 39,742
Welcome Foster! We're so glad you found us. Try not to take on too many problems at once. Getting sober is the main thing right now, and other things will fall into place once you're clearheaded. Everything seems overwhelming in early recovery - I remember that feeling so well.

I drank my whole life, & in the end was completely dependent on it. I had to learn to live again without it. You can't move forward until you stop dwelling on your past mistakes. Learn from them, yes - but you'll stay stuck on square one if you fill your mind with remorse and guilt. You can still become the person you want to be. Try being kind and patient with yourself as you heal. Congratulations on your 3 days. Let us know how you're doing - we care.
__________________
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 03:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
Paradox, Humor, Change
 
SoberMan2012's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Naples, FL USA
Posts: 888
Blog Entries: 73
Welcome to SR, I ask a higher power to help me forigive myself for all the rotten things i have thought and felt about myself, and to help me forgive myself for all the bad situation i put myself in. hang in there, sober is the great way!
SoberMan2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to SoberMan2012 For This Useful Post:
CaiHong (03-12-2012), Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), sugarbear1 (03-12-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 03:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Foster's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3
Thanks for all your replies! After I posted I jumped in the car and thought of all the negatives people would see in my post. I felt "what are these people going to think of me, I am 48 and still drinking." I was thinking that this forum is for older sober people to help the young ones that reach out, not for someone like me. ...Dave thanks for sharing about your 30 years - It makes me feel I can post here and no one will judge me. I am so afraid of that - I want to be completely honest about myself here because I am not honest about myself anywhere else...even though I am anonymous here, I am petrified of what I write and how I will be judged. It would be great to have a place where I can completely open up..... I think SR is that place..... so glad to be here, but very much afraid as well.
Foster is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to Foster For This Useful Post:
artsoul (03-13-2012), daffyneedsme2 (03-12-2012), debsam (03-12-2012), eh1988 (03-12-2012), hector (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), lookinforward (03-13-2012), Luvdogs (03-12-2012), NewBeginning010 (03-13-2012), Purplecatlover (03-12-2012), ReadyAndAble (03-12-2012), sissy07 (03-14-2012), tanja (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 04:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
CaiHong's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,306
Hi Foster,
I loved your post so honest and heartfelt. Most people respond well when others open up and are honest. I feel you are hiding from life and using the alcohol to do it. Hard to believe your husband doesn't know you are drinkingperhaps that is an indication of how far you have both drifted apart.
I am 58, sober for 9 months withe the support of AA and this forum. I can relate to the regret part but I don't dwell on it. Life is beginning to happen for me since becoming sober.

When I first got to this website and sobriety and people would write about the amazing things that were happening in their lives, I felt envious, dubious and felt they were smug.
They were just sharing their experiences to give hope to others that it can be done.

Well my life has taken on another dimension, I have bought a restaurant on a river 10 minutes from the sea which I will take over a year to the day I got sober.
It has given me more purpose in life and even more reason to do the work to stay sober, I never want to lose my sobriety.
I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.

Foster, your relationship with your husband is certainly not ideal if you can't confide your fears to him or go to an AA meeting because you are scared of his reaction.

You are only 48 and many years ahead of you, make them count. The years behind you are gone.

I sincerely hope you take action and change your life.
CaiHong
CaiHong is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CaiHong For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), janiebluebird (03-13-2012), MemphisBlues (03-13-2012), ReadyAndAble (03-12-2012), Spinach (03-13-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 04:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Catskill Mtns.
Posts: 39,742
Foster, You are a good deal younger than me, as well. I felt a huge sense of relief when I first came here and could finally be open and honest. It really helped free me from the burden I'd been carrying for so long.
__________________
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), lookinforward (03-13-2012), Purplecatlover (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 04:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
DarkDays's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,376
I think all the time about my wasted 30 years boozing , I am never going to drink ever again makes it a bit better to handle.
DarkDays is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to DarkDays For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), Purplecatlover (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 04:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
macknacat's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
Hi Foster

I can only echo the above messages. AA [and NA] were and are what I had to do. Turns out , all my real friends were glad because they understood that I needed desperately to take care of me. Loving myself was maybe my biggest obstacle in recovery .

Mary Oliver asks the question about what we each want to do with our one life... And the old Zen sage commented: "Let me remind you, the sands of your life are running fast. Pay Attention!"
__________________
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver


That’s what hell is: the place of people who could not yield their ego system to allow the grace of a transpersonal power to move them.- Joseph Campbell
macknacat is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to macknacat For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012), janiebluebird (03-13-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 05:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
Sober...Finally.
 
Dominica2's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Galveston TX
Posts: 574
Blog Entries: 3
Foster,

I know exactly what you mean about the no friends, and even if my huband did have friends, I would be the drunk wife that got too loud. If you need help, you need it. Dont deny yourself of that. If someone truly loves you, then you will always find a way through. I am sure you are a beautiful person. It makes it hard when it is secretive. Best wishes to you love.

Dom
__________________
Dom.

Dominica2 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Dominica2 For This Useful Post:
eh1988 (03-12-2012), Foster (03-12-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 05:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 52,619
Welcome, Foster!

The regret and shame will always push you back to the alcohol. I know that for sure because I went through that so many times. It was an endless cycle. Finally, I knew I was ruining my health, my family and my life and I just knew that I had to stop and face whatever there was to face.

However, I had a horrible time with guilt when I stopped drinking. The thoughts would pop into my head at any time and I would feel so down. Finally, I took advice from someone here and began to journal. I had really resisted writing down all the negative thoughts because I didn't want to see them in black and white. But, eventually I started and my writing continued for most of a year. It felt so good to get things on paper and out of my head.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
artsoul (03-13-2012), Foster (03-13-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 05:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
*Grateful*
 
Lily's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,617
Blog Entries: 12
Welcome Foster! I have a feeling your husband probably knows something is up. Hang in there and keep on posting.

I will pray for you!

Lily
Lily is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Lily For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-13-2012), Hevyn (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 08:24 PM   #16 (permalink)
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,347
I'm 50 with almost 10 months of sobriety. It's never too late to get sober!
__________________
Someday it will all make sense, so laugh at confusion, smile through tears,
& remind yourself it All happens for a reason.


All Big Book quotes are from the 1st edition.
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Sober since May 16, 2011
sugarbear1 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sugarbear1 For This Useful Post:
eh1988 (03-12-2012), Foster (03-13-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 08:58 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,449
Quote:
How do you deal with the regret?
I remind myself to turn around, because I'm looking the wrong way. I'm moving forward these days, not back. For that I'm grateful—and gratitude is the surefire cure for regret. Lots of people never find a way to escape addiction. It's an amazing gift to break free of it. And you know what else is a gift? The realization that each new day is a precious opportunity. Lots of folks—and I don't just mean alcoholics and drug addicts, but people in general—never realize that. Recovery really drives it home. It's amazing how life works, the way our curses can turn into blessings.

I'm not in AA; it's not the only path to recovery. One alternative is AVRT, and you can look up info on the secular connections forum of this site. They have a very active thread there, and one of the members, Terminally Unique, can send you some info to get you started.

That said, AA has worked wonders for many, many people. And as others have noted, it's hard to imagine that your husband has no idea at all. Even if he doesn't, this is a big deal, one of the biggest, actually. Don't you think it's time to start being honest with him? Hiding things, hiding ourselves, is a hallmark of addiction. Honesty isn't always easy, but then again, neither is recovery at first. And for me the two go hand-in-hand.

Quote:
I felt "what are these people going to think of me."
I think you're a brave and strong person. Someone who has the rest of her life in front of her, and has taken a great step today toward securing the future she deserves. I'm really glad you decided to post.
ReadyAndAble is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to ReadyAndAble For This Useful Post:
BASEjumper (03-13-2012), dawnrunner (03-13-2012), eJoshua (03-12-2012), janiebluebird (03-13-2012), lookinforward (03-13-2012), Nirvana1 (03-12-2012)
Old 03-12-2012, 09:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
Crazy Cat Lady
 
DisplacedGRITS's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,662
Blog Entries: 3
Welcome. I am gaining a strength i didn't know i had through AA. The strength of the community and learning the program. AA is a nice place to be around all kinds of people. Newcomers, Oldtimers and everyone inbetween. Go to a few meetings. I've been to 4 in a row. Going to number 5 tomorrow. I' usually late to everything but haven't been late to a meeting yet. Give it a chance and give yourself a chance.
DisplacedGRITS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2012, 09:12 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Welcome to the forum, I think you will find a lot of support here

Please give sober some time, things do get better
SomethingBetter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2012, 09:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
I'm here to learn!
 
eJoshua's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome Foster! I'm glad you decided to start posting.

I can definitely relate to what you said about hiding. I don't think anyone except for a few close friends really had any idea what the extent of my alcoholism was. On top of that, I learned to hide things at a very young age and became very secretive because of early childhood experiences.

I am slowly learning how to deal with the shame and regret I've accumulated by working the 12 steps. Choosing to live sober definitely requires some leaps of faith, especially in the transition from active use to being dry. Since you've already started that difficult first step I would definitely encourage you to explore emotional healing through AA.

I wish you the best, and thanks for sharing your experience.
__________________
“The Breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.” - Rumi
eJoshua is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to eJoshua For This Useful Post:
Foster (03-13-2012), lookinforward (03-13-2012), ReadyAndAble (03-13-2012)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:44 PM.