DryScotsman

Hi Guys

I have been sober for 11 days and am managing better than I thought I would be. I has taken me a long time to admit to my problem and am now getting professional help as well as family support.

One thing I would welcome some advice on is how to talk to my wife about what I have put her through. We have been together since we were 14 (25 years) and she has seen all my drinking and behaviour first hand. Over the years I have lied about my drinking, made excuses to go out/stay out, embarrassed her with my drinking and spent money I shouldn't have and it has taken its toll on her over the years.

I am desperately sorry for what I have done to her and know that I can only make my actions speak for me after so many empty promises. My problem is that she is quite rightly angry and hurt with me and this comes across as bitter and angry comments about my past behaviour that I find really difficult to deal with just now.

Any advice on how we begin to discuss our situation without it getting extremely bitter and angry and making me clam up?

Stuart

JohnDoeSmith

Actions speak louder than words ever do. Start doing things to make up for lost time. Thats what I have been doing and so far, so good. Help around the house some to make her life a little easier and repair things that need repaired. Also, tell her how much you Love and appreciate her as often as you can. It will take time to undo what has been done, but you can do it. Hope this helps and good luck.

stillsleeping

Hey Scotland!

First of all, well done on making the first steps; gettin off this junk is hard (am on day seven, booze). I'm a girl and a wife and an addict, and I'd guess you kind of know what to do. Take it on the chin. She's stuck by you for all these years, and is still around now: so she needs to vent a little, let her. I know that what you're goin through is f hard and she won't ever really understand what you've been through, but that's what we're here for on SR. We get it. Unload on us and let your wife get what she needs to off her chest.

JohnDoe's is a good idea - do little things for her (we love little things way better than grand gestures, grand gestures make us nervous...) notice how pretty her eyes are, do the hoovering, take out the recycling, fix that curtain rail that's been driving her nuts for months, ask her if she fancies taking a walk together, ask her about her day and listen yeah, we know when you're not buy her her favourite chocolate bar, rent a movie that she wants to watch, all the stuff you tried when you were 14, remember?

And maybe, after a bit, when you've shown her how much you've changed and she's still nagging or throwing sh your way, after a bit, say in a small voice that you are trying, that you love her and she's hurting you. Shoot that little-boy-lost look out of the corner of your eye (yeah, you know the one) and then leave it. Let her gradually realise she's being the bad guy - if she comes to that conclusion herself it'll be way better.

Man, I can't believe I'm telling you all of this. Girls across the world are goin to have my skin nailed to a wall.

Of course, this'll only work if you have actually changed. If you're still a jerk you don't stand a chance

Hope the weather's okay up there. Feels like spring down here today heh heh.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes...

Still

Threshold

Dry,
Recovery of a marriage can't be forced any more than addiction recovery can. It's a process, there are stages, things might get better for awhile, then worse. It's hard to be patient. Be kind. Everything is changing for both of you.

Stillsleeping,

You're a genius, if you put your post on FB it'd go viral.

stillsleeping

Haha! Funny, cos I usually talk balls

Seriously though, I think the girls are going to kill me...

Still

DryScotsman

Thanks for the answer, I am on the right lines which is good!

Weather here is cold but okay today, much better than it has been for a while.

stillsleeping

Yeah, keep it up Mac Will be rooting for you
xxx

ChickenStu

My sponser says "You got ill a day at a time, you'll get better a day at a time".

I put my wife through five years of alcoholic hell mate, and even though I'm nearly two years sober - she still has trouble forgiving. In the end my sponsor told me to just let her come around in her own time and that's the only advice I can give to you.

Don't try and control the outcome of anything, leave it in God's hands.

Hevyn

Welcome DryScotsman! Do you think she'd consider Al-Anon meetings - or maybe just reading some of the Al-Anon literature? It's so hard to explain our behavior to the normies. They can't understand why we didn't "just say no". Also, she might benefit from the Friends and Family Forum here at SR - it's very helpful.

Congratulations on your new life! Proud of you.

dorito281211

Get into a program of action (like AA) there is a step for making amends, that will help. Get her involved in a al-anon group if able, otherwise some good books are out there for her as well. I also recommend the joe and Charlie tapes to listen to (free on the Internet) this will explain a lot to her as well.

sugarbear1

Stillsleeping, you've helped more than one woman with your post, so I applaud you!

DryScotsman, listen to stillsleeping, there will be time later for direct amends. Today, your amends is just not picking up the drink. Actions. As for "My problem is that she is quite rightly angry and hurt with me and this comes across as bitter and angry comments about my past behaviour that I find really difficult to deal with just now" of course she is upset, it's taken a long time for you to finally stop and maybe it wasn't her that did this....(yeah, it can work that way). Listen, feel hurt, come here to vent.

One day at a time, don't pick up, vent here, and treat her like the woman you fell in love with. She loves you or she wouldn't be so hurt.

Peace,

ichabod

Give it time. From experience, I know that I didn't trust that my RAH was going to quit, "this time," more than any other time and even when he did it took a very long time (like a year) to trust that he wasn't sneaking around behind my back. It was a hard way to live. I've largely let go of the anger, but it still sneaks in occasionally and catches me off guard.

I might say to her, "I'm trying really hard and it's harder when you are bringing up the past," but you need to understand that a couple of weeks of effort isn't going to negate decades of resentment. Both of you need to recover.

Mo S

Beyond whats been said;
Another suggestion might be a few sessions of couples therapy. My partner and I went only a few times, however, it really helped to have an expert, impartial councelor to help us sort out resolving our feelings and bringing us back to a form of harmony. You two might not need it - but it just might help if you are really intent on doing everything you can to make your marriage work.

To repeat what's been said: actions always speak louder than words.

Congrats on your committment to sobriety.

RecoveredRoofer

I was told that as you become sick, so too does your family. As you recover, so do they. It can take a long time for them to heal up. Actions speak louder than words, so just keep up they good work and your wife will eventually come around.

Jitterbugg

I wish I had a chance to redeem myself with past relationships. I've tested the patience of many a woman and ultimately chose booze over them all. No advice from me...but I know the guilt you're feeling for the destruction alcohol can bring to a relationship.