Sharzy

Oh well, decided instead of commiting suicide I am just going to drink!.
Just could not do it. I don't think I was ever in my life sooooooo unhappy.

Hangover from hell today but managed to not drink until midnight, now I have had 3 glasses of wine and still feel ill.

This is just one major vicious circle that I cannot do.

I don't need anyone beating me up, Very capable of doing that myself, Don't even know why I am posting here. Just had enough!

eh1988

You only fail when you quit. I hope this is just a relapse for you, you can live without alcohol, everyone can. Everyone here has been through it or is going through it, dont quit.

Elisabeth888

We are here for support Sharzy!

You should get some mental health care for your depression instead of drinking. I am bi-polar and I was treating it with alcohol and it did not work! It was horrible.

eJoshua

Hey Sharzy -

You can choose to live and not drink, you don't have to choose between death and drinking. Living with addiction is no life to live, that's to be sure, but you fix it by getting sober, not by ending your life.

I hope you pick life.

DisplacedGRITS

You're posting here for a reason. Maybe you really want to quit. Look in your heart and use all the tools you have avaliable. A therapist, a psych, medication, AA, medical detox...anything. You are worth it. Please have faith in yourself.

jocata

Happiness is within reach sharzy. Put the bottle down, get some help, and get to work on sobriety. Happiness won't happen overnight, but it won't happen at all as long as you keep drinking.

God bless.

dorito281211

My advice, get to a meeting ASAP.

Anna

I hope that you don't give up on recovery. And, have you considered talking to a counsellor about your depression, or asking your dr for advice? There is always hope.

zaxx

Hey Sharzy. Ease up on yourself. Easier said then done inorite? Thing I can say is to think about something else in your past that was total hell at the time but not a big deal now. This time can be the same as that in enough time. I'm new to recovery myself and don't have much advise to other then to try to relax and go easier on yourself. If you can't do the "viscous circle" any more then that's a good thing. Going from suicidal thoughts to bottle will only land you back at suicidal thoughts and back to the bottle or worse. Read some of the stories here and just google around some. It helps because there is so many who have messed up way worse then we have. I binged over 2 gallons of whiskey in under 30 hours a couple days ago. Your hangover can't be much worse then mine is all I'm saying. It's a mental game. You know what has to be done.

sugarbear1

Thank you for posting this. I do know that feeling. For me, I got to the point of drinking non-stop for about 8 days, had a major hangover for 2 days, just sat curled up in my big chair (I only had that and an uncomfortable chair in front of my tv. I had no tv service, so I popped in old DVD's. The tv service had been turned off then). I once had it all--things like tv and tv service, computers and internet service, vehicle, great career not just a job). All of that lost by my own doing. By my drinking. In fact, I had just been "fired" from a job where all I had to do was answer the phones, file a little, scan and send invoices. Fired. me?! Yes.

I had so little to live for and even the drinking wouldn't kill me. The next day, I went for cigs and ended up with another 6 pak. I took one out, opened it and stared at it for 5 hours. Drank it. All 6 gone, again.

There I was, no buzz, after midnight so I couldn't get more, and no hope. No life. Still I felt my heartbeating. Life sucked. Big time sucked. Cuss words inserted here. Lots of cuss words. Yelled at the cat. Anger filled me. Sadness filled me and I cried. What to do? I used up the little bit of that last paycheck I had brought home 10 days ago.

No money. Nothing. Utility cut-off notices. I was drowning in my own alcoholism and I had no beer left. Got ripped off by my pot dealer and had run out 5 days before this.

No job. Nothing. I looked around, boxes surrounded me. Dust, dirt. What?! I'm living like....oh, heck, I wasn't living. I existed for my beer and smokes. Nothing. What's the point?

I fell asleep (no, I passed out from those 6 beers I drank in a short time).

I woke up the next day, small hangover. Something kept my heartbeating. Something wanted me alive. Something, but I knew it wasn't me.

Nothing had miraculously changed while I slept. I sat, I started unpacking boxes, I didn't drink. I looked around. I had been ill and didn't know it, so I started trying to get rid of the mess, little by little. 5 days later, I woke up early. I basically ran to the 7 am meeting. I had no bus fare, but I could get there by foot. I went to the noon meeting. I went to the night meeting. 3 meetings a day. Every day. A friend lent me money, but I didn't get beer. Got food.

One day at a time, I stayed stopped. One day at a time, I went to meetings. Meals and coffee were purchased by these people. I kept staying stopped. I got to know people. My once lovely life changed and I was miserable, but I moved forward. Slowly. Angry. Hurt. Not alone. I wasn't alone now.

Slowly, things changed. I get better each day. Opportunities arose, things were paid for, government help obtained, the utilities stayed on. 2 months with no money, but not once did I go without food or shelter. 2 months later and unemployment was granted to me as that company couldn't get their dates or information right. I bought an antenna. I now had antenna tv. I could watch the news. Some shows. More time went by and I found internet on my cell phone (paid for it) and I found SR, again. I had lurked here for several years, while drinking.....

Long post. Point being, things change. Today, I have a more things and a life. A life with people who are friends. They care about me and they showed me how to care about me.

Life! I embrace each day. I look forward to the day, I don't dread it anymore. Still not where I want to be, but I am where I need to be, and this is Priceless. This was only the last 10 months as I was fired on May 6, 2011.

I took the alcohol out of my life, my life was horrible and I was where you seem to be, but Something wants me alive. Now, I want me alive, too.

I wish you recovery. I know you can stay stopped.

Peace,

Threshold

Sharzy,

I have been in the same situation and have made the same decision. Drink or do something even crazy worse.

Sometimes we DO self medicate with alcohol, and we do it because it can "work" for some small little while, in the sense that we might not harm ourselves acutely for that one drunk.

But think about this, alcohol is a mood altering drug that is addictive and has horrible overwhelming side effects. It will kill us, and meanwhile it is very likely to make our lives a living hell.

There are better meds for depression and anxiety. They may have side effects, but the side effects are rarely as deadly and life destroying as booze. And often we can be teamed with the proper medication that does not give us bad side effects but does make our life experience livable.

I used to self medicate with booze. Thinking that I was keeping myself from suicide. And for awhile it "worked" until one night it didn't, all it did was reduce my inhibitions toward suicide.

If you want to live, there are better meds to help the mental state that allow us to actually function and address life. They are nearly always cheaper than booze.

My bf is an alcoholic. He once told me a tearful story about how he was put on an antidepressent and it helped but he had to stop because it was too expensive. A months supply cost LESS than one week's worth of alcohol. Guess he isn't very good at math.

Sobriety IS an option.

I know how scary awful life can feel. I'm in the middle of it right now. Let's see about finding a better way.