Stryfe

I've been sober a solid two months after a slip up in January. Before that, I was sober a solid four months. Before that, I had never tried AA and was drinking to oblivion almost everyday. AA has worked wonders for me. I have been building my life around the fellowship and the program. The people in AA have been nothing but supportive. I would not have been able to be sober more than a week without AA. However, once in a while, I will run into a old friend who doesn't drink alcoholically. These people will invite me to drinking functions like it is no big deal. This is how I slipped up back in January. Today, an old college buddy who was never a binge drinker or an alcoholic calls me out of the blue and invites me to a St. Patrick's Day party. I hate to admit it but my mouth was watering at the thought like Pavlov's dogs. I am definitely an alcoholic and I can't drink anymore. If I do, I know my life will be going down the drain. Life is very hard right now. I am another faceless recent unemployed college grad. I went to college and all I got was this lousy alcoholism. I have no desire to return to drinking. But it sucks that I have to shut people out of my life because non-alcoholic people's lives can be centered around a bar scene without them worrying about a thing. One drink for me can set off a chain reaction that would ultimately end in tragedy.

Dee74

I had to deal with the friends thing too.

I tried over and over again to lead my old life with me not drinking. It never worked. When I got down to it it, the only reason my old life existed at all is because of the drinking and drugging that went on....it was our common bond.

I had to work out what was more important to me Stryfe - staying sober and making those changes or not making those changes and getting deeper and deeper into trouble,

Missy7

Yeah, I'm afraid that new friends are in order. I'm on that path myself. I have just gotten take out instead of going to the little place in town where my good friends are having dinner and drinking. I just cannot do it. I can't.

I don't like it, but I can't.

eJoshua

Most of my friends, once they discovered how serious I was about my recovery, simply disappeared. Having said that, what's to prevent you from suggesting going out for coffee or dinner with some of these friends? If your friendship went beyond just drinking then hanging out without alcohol shouldn't be a big deal, right?

Hang in there, you're doing great.

Stryfe

AA has given me more friends then I've ever had in my life. I do not hang around my old crowd of hardcore drinking companions because I told them I do not drink. Most alcoholics have been through hell and want to quit drinking, but can't for their lives, and they understand and respect my decision to quit drinking. It is my nonalcoholic old friends I have a hard time turning down. I hate to say that I am ashamed to tell them that I'm an alcoholic and don't drink anymore. I have no problem telling actively alcoholic people that I don't drink because deep down inside they completely understand why I quit drinking. Someone who drinks like Hank Hill off of King of the Hill has no idea of the hell an alcoholic drinker has gone through.

eJoshua

Well I don't think you have to tell them you're an alcoholic, that's a pretty personal detail of your life you may want to be careful revealing to people.

All I mean to say is, if they're not alcoholics then why would hanging out with them have to include drinking? If they invite you out for drinks just say, "no thanks, but hey, how about breakfast on saturday morning?" or whatever.

Dee74

ok so your situation is a little different to mine then - but the problems the same really...why are you slipping up around these people...?

it seems to me you nailed why, Stryfe - what are you gonna do about it?

D

Stryfe

Either ask them to hang out at nonalcoholic functions or ignore them and just keeping on hanging out with my new AA friends like I have been doing everyday. It just makes me mad that something as simple as an old friend calling me on the phone again asking to hangout at a bar could cause so much stress. I mean really? A bar on St. Patrick's Day in a place where nobody uses public transit? That is like asking for trouble. Even nonalcoholic people have the sense not to mess around on St. Patrick's Day which is one of the most dangerous driving days of the year along with Fourth of July and New Year's Eve. The number of alcohol related fatalities on St. Paddy's Day is exponentially higher than any regular Friday or Saturday of the year. Not to mention that is a day where cops give out the most DUI's. And if I get another one, I will be sitting in jail for at least a year or worse depending on the circumstances. I just got my license back and I never want to lose it again.

FlyerFan

I discovered that most of my old "friends" were not friends at all, but merely just drinking buddies. It does suck that you have to burn some bridges in order to help yourself but after time that feeling goes away and you'll eventually make some new sober friends if you stick with AA.

DayTrader

Ah haaa......but you're not. You've been given the opportunity to get sober and differentiate yourself from all the others who exist to work (as little as possible, usually) so they can get money so they can go and party their a$$ off. I was one of those after-college partiers that someone like you, in your position now, sober and working on recovery / bettering yourself, could blow right by!


sounds like a great t-shirt idea



That chain-reaction is a great reason to keep clear of drinking. The same is true for me. Others can drink "successfully," I can't. I didn't have to like it......but I had to accept it (heh, I tried to NOT accept it but the reality of my alcoholism kept getting louder and louder and LOUDER until it was almost impossible to deny).

I had to look at the bar scene as this: I went for 2 reasons... to drink and to try to hook up. Since I gave up the drinking part, the only reason to go to the bar would be to hook up. If I were to go to the bar and find "her," it stands to reason she'd be a drinker...or at least a partier....and I don't really want/need to be hanging around partiers anymore, yanno?

So, for a situation like this, it was a good opportunity for me to put my 3rd step into action.....and trust that "she" can/will come even if I'm not at the bars. ....it's amazing how many cool girls don't hang out in the bars and party their butts off (was amazing to me anyway...lol).

Anna

[QUOTE=Stryfe;3310544]Either ask them to hang out at nonalcoholic functions or ignore them and just keeping on hanging out with my new AA friends like I have been doing everyday. QUOTE]


That's a great plan.

I agree it's very hard to make these big changes in our lives, but it's necessary in my opinion.

jocata

Don't let this situation needlessly get you worked up. You are in control here. If you are not comfortable enough in your sobriety yet, then simply don't go to the party. There will come a time when you will be strong enough to attend on occasion. I wouldn't make a habit of it, though. Always have a plan and a way out.

As my sobriety continues, I'm finding that bars and functions where even just social drinking is happening are places I just don't like to be at all anymore. Unless it's a restaraunt that I like to eat at, or a wedding reception of a friend or family member. But even then, I don't stay too long.

FlyerFan

As the Big Book says, if you have a legitimate reason for being there, then go for it, but if you feel at all uneasy or shaky, don't go. Or take some sober friends with you so you can all keep each other in check

DaveK58

Glad to hear you are having success with AA. It personally didn't work for me, but I have not given up hope yet. I always found it hard to tell my friends no when they wanted to go grab a beer (which lead to a lot more than one almost always).

FlyerFan

Oh of course its hard to say no, we're alcoholics. AA isn't what's keeping me from saying no, its just whats giving me all the confidence. lol. It is ultimately up to me to decide how to handle situations, but I am grateful that I have a program that works for me.

DayTrader

You worked through all 12 steps......or did you stop partway through? I've not known anyone who got all the way through them who didn't change drastically.

I don't mean to derail the thread but I see this a lot: "AA didn't work for me" and I think what it really means is I got partway through the steps (or never started them), didn't finish, and it didn't work...... which makes sense. The AA program (the 12 steps) has a warning right before the steps "half-measures availed us nothing," which means.....essentially....exactly what it says.

Dee74

I dunno Stryfe I don't think the problem is your friends where they hang out.
The point I was trying to get at is this:

So tell them...or don't tell them....about the A word - but do let them know you don't drink anymore.

D

Pigtails

Hi there, I am such a similar spot as you are and I have even posted about it yesterday (My "Being around people who drink" thread).

I guess I don't have answers because I'm still figuring it all out myself, but your biggest priority has to be not drinking. If that means turning down invitations to go out, you have to do it, at least for now. Eventually you may feel fine going out without drinking, or you may not...point is, nothing is forever but you cannot DRINK today. So for now, since it is hard for you to go out and not drink, remove the temptation and don't go out with drinking friends. See how you feel later but for now, just don't.

For me, I cut out the hardcore drinking/party buddies. I eventually told all my friends I stopped drinking, although I didn't come out and say "I'm an alcoholic and I'm in AA..." Instead I told them health reasons, emotional reasons... I got really close to the truth without straight up telling them, and with some of them, I just came out and admitted that I had been drinking too much, depending on alcohol too much and it had made me depressed and unhappy and I want to stay away from alcohol so that I can improve my life. Some people were supportive and some people still want me to drink with them like I used to. But I HAD to tell people unless I wanted to just shun their calls or make excuses for not going out. People got the hint that I wasn't drinking and asked questions, and I had to let it be known that I had quit or else I would not stay accountable to myself. Now it's to the point where all my friends know I don't drink and kind of point out that I can't have alcohol when we're out-- which is rather annoying.

Another thing I'm trying to do is decline invitations where everything revolves around alcohol and come up with more things to do with friends that do not involve alcohol. But the main thing is to make your sobriety and yourself your biggest priorities, even if it means "missing out" on times with friends. Good luck, stay strong.

jobei

I know where you're coming from. I haven't had too hard a time avoiding my "old" friends that still drink. My "real" friends that drink know I have to quit... there's only 2 of them and neither of them live near me anymore but I hope to be sober when I see them. What's killing me is my family... my mother and step father are less likely to come visit me because they like to drink on sundays. It really sucks but I can't be around people drinking... at least at this point. I made that mistake before and ended up back down in the hole. Best wishes to you bro...

MustStop

My "real drinker" friends are very supportive of my decision to quit, its the "normal" ones thats just flat out don't understand. One invited me along on a work roadtrip he has next week. He's like "Man, beers are only $2.50 where we are going, its awesome".

I am like, uhhhh I still don't drink bud, told you about 5 times now and we've even been to a bar together and all I had was water.

Its bizarre, you think it would be our drunkard friends putting the pressure on, not the guys that rarely drink.