Notices

Four months

Old 03-06-2012, 11:05 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pigtails's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by wpainterw View Post
Pigtails: Sounds like you're still a bit wobbly. Saying that you don't want to drink but then again you want to and wish it were possible to drink moderately now and then. This is normal recovery stuff. You're four months into your voyage and there are forces within your body and brain that want to drag you back into addiction. Best way to fight that (day by day) is to network with other recovery folk, including some who have had more sobriety time than you have. Talk to them and don't listen to the "stinkin' thinkin'" that sometimes bubbles up from the bottom of your brain. Don't give in to it. Keep at it and gradually you will find that the inner voices get fainter and fainter and you begin to feel more confident of yourself. But it's best to be very watchful of what I call the "divided self". And the more help you can get from others the better. AA is good if you feel comfortable with it- try not to toss it overboard without figuring out the good stuff, since there is a bundle of good stuff there built up from generations of experience. Counseling is good but I wouldn't rely on it exclusively. Long term sobriety never caught on with me until I got into AA and even then I had to focus on the parts of the program that seemed to make the best sense to me.
Well anyway, congratulations on a wonderful beginning! Don't worry about what other folks, like former drinking companions, think or what you think they think. You're the captain of this ship and they're just a bunch of bystanders. Some may envy you. Others will admire you. And you'll feel good about yourself. You'll be happy. Real happy! Good luck.

W.
Thanks wpainterw. I do want to be happy! What do you mean about the "divided self," can you explain more?
Pigtails is offline  
Old 03-06-2012, 11:13 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pigtails's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by NoTears View Post
hey hey Pigtails - what a wonderful place to be 4 months without the monster!

I'm about where you're at too time-wise. My guess is you're looking for that respite from the day and the stress and from your own thoughts? as opposed to, say the taste of the stuff?

I'm just going to echo what everyone else has said, stand your ground girl. I don't think of it anymore and it has freed up my mental energy to deal with things unbelievably. It's just miraculous.

Here's some good thoughts for you and hopes that you get here soon.

Hugs - NT
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm looking for. It's not like I crave a certain taste or kind of alcohol (or, that's not very common anyway). For sure I know that it's hardest when I'm around other people who are drinking. I think I'll start a separate thread about that because I've been really wondering how to handle it. Perhaps if I were more active in AA/ a recovery program, it would be easier. But basically when I'm at home alone or around other people who don't drink I honestly don't even thinking about drinking or want to drink, but when I am around people who are drinking I really want to just be "normal" and give in and drink. It feels like a constant struggle, so yeah it's more about wanting a break from the struggle than actually wanting to drink.

I do hope the miracle of not wanting to drink/not being consumed by it happens to me too. It was happening when I was more active in recovery. I hate that I have to focus on it so much but I guess that's how it is.

Thanks.
Pigtails is offline  
Old 03-06-2012, 12:49 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
wpainterw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Pigtails: You ask about the divided self. I think I had a thread or at least a post on that awhile back. Anyway, there is the "beast within", which is what the AVRT folks talk about, that "lizard" brain in the bottom of your skull which, in its child like and compulsive manner, desperately wants its "bottle" back and is sending "witch messages" to the more rational parts of your brain to trick you into relapsing. As other posts to you have indicated this may be what's going on with you right now. Also, in another thread or posting I have speculated that even the more rational parts of the brain may have what I have termed a "toxic" parent, namely a more rational controlling part of the brain which in some cases may have become so self critical, compulsive, perfectionist and demanding that it may sabotage the recovery process by creating depression, so the person says, "Poor me! I'm no good. I can never recover!" I once heard a person in a meeting say that he couldn't even shave in the morning without first calling his sponsor he was so helpless. (Poor him!) and another ventured that she didn't "deserve" to recover so she took a drink every year just so she would never get a one year chip. So we have the "divided self". Don't trust yourself. Keep your focus on recovery, one day at a time and network with as many recovering folks you can since it's far better and safer as a group pilgrimage through these hazardous woods. If you try to go it alone you may have enemies within.

W.
wpainterw is offline  
Old 03-06-2012, 02:31 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pigtails's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by wpainterw View Post
Pigtails: You ask about the divided self. I think I had a thread or at least a post on that awhile back. Anyway, there is the "beast within", which is what the AVRT folks talk about, that "lizard" brain in the bottom of your skull which, in its child like and compulsive manner, desperately wants its "bottle" back and is sending "witch messages" to the more rational parts of your brain to trick you into relapsing. As other posts to you have indicated this may be what's going on with you right now. Also, in another thread or posting I have speculated that even the more rational parts of the brain may have what I have termed a "toxic" parent, namely a more rational controlling part of the brain which in some cases may have become so self critical, compulsive, perfectionist and demanding that it may sabotage the recovery process by creating depression, so the person says, "Poor me! I'm no good. I can never recover!" I once heard a person in a meeting say that he couldn't even shave in the morning without first calling his sponsor he was so helpless. (Poor him!) and another ventured that she didn't "deserve" to recover so she took a drink every year just so she would never get a one year chip. So we have the "divided self". Don't trust yourself. Keep your focus on recovery, one day at a time and network with as many recovering folks you can since it's far better and safer as a group pilgrimage through these hazardous woods. If you try to go it alone you may have enemies within.

W.
Thanks for the explanation. I pretty much understand and it does seem like that happens to me. It stinks that I can't trust myself and I'm often my own worst enemy! But I guess I just have this problem and must address it consistently. Thanks.
Pigtails is offline  
Old 03-06-2012, 02:35 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
wpainterw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Pigtails: Here's another way of looking at the “divided self”. Perhaps it would be helpful if I thought of my brain as a rather unique kind of computer. Unlike other computers it operates not only on electrochemical impulses but also by way of chemical reactions. These in turn may result in changes in my physical makeup (like altering my receptors). When alcohol is introduced into the chemistry for a prolonged period the chemistry changes, and this in turn may result in changes in the neurotransmittters and other neurological stuff. Thus the body and the brain “adapt” to the alcohol and build up a “tolerance”. If the alcohol is suddenly removed this amounts to an assault on the chemical “balance” and the brain automatically seeks to have the alcohol restored. It wants that constant back in the chemical equation. Initially this need makes itself known by the physical “discomfort” of “withdrawal”. But long after that has subsided, the brain continues to seek the missing alcohol, conjuring up all sorts of messages to itself like “Wouldn’t it be nice to have that wonderful “buzz” just one more time?” “Once more wouldn’t hurt” “If I felt it getting out of control again I could always stop it before it got worse” “I’ve been so good with sobriety that I deserve a little reward now” “Now that I’ve learned my lesson I can handle things with a little wine now and then.”
The self is “divided” and is its own worst enemy. The illness is progressive and gradually tightens its hold. Eventually the “self” becomes so enslaved by the chemical that something very drastic may have to happen before there can be any recovery. What is truly amazing is that there can be any recovery at all. But who can deny that after having met the many who have recovered?

W.
wpainterw is offline  
Old 03-06-2012, 02:51 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Pigtails's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by wpainterw View Post
Pigtails: Here's another way of looking at the “divided self”. Perhaps it would be helpful if I thought of my brain as a rather unique kind of computer. Unlike other computers it operates not only on electrochemical impulses but also by way of chemical reactions. These in turn may result in changes in my physical makeup (like altering my receptors). When alcohol is introduced into the chemistry for a prolonged period the chemistry changes, and this in turn may result in changes in the neurotransmittters and other neurological stuff. Thus the body and the brain “adapt” to the alcohol and build up a “tolerance”. If the alcohol is suddenly removed this amounts to an assault on the chemical “balance” and the brain automatically seeks to have the alcohol restored. It wants that constant back in the chemical equation. Initially this need makes itself known by the physical “discomfort” of “withdrawal”. But long after that has subsided, the brain continues to seek the missing alcohol, conjuring up all sorts of messages to itself like “Wouldn’t it be nice to have that wonderful “buzz” just one more time?” “Once more wouldn’t hurt” “If I felt it getting out of control again I could always stop it before it got worse” “I’ve been so good with sobriety that I deserve a little reward now” “Now that I’ve learned my lesson I can handle things with a little wine now and then.”
The self is “divided” and is its own worst enemy. The illness is progressive and gradually tightens its hold. Eventually the “self” becomes so enslaved by the chemical that something very drastic may have to happen before there can be any recovery. What is truly amazing is that there can be any recovery at all. But who can deny that after having met the many who have recovered?

W.
I see. Yes, I've had those thoughts and what has stopped me from drinking is that I don't have thoughts of "just one more" or "just a buzz" but rather I recognize that I want to get drunk. I know that I could not just have a drink or two and stop-- or maybe for awhile but not for good, and I don't see the "fun" in that... if I were to drink it would be a mess. But at the same time I do have the thoughts of "now that I've gotten my life under control, I can drink normally" or "was I really that bad, why can't I just let loose and occasionally have some drinks." So even my own thoughts make no sense--- I think that I would only want to get drunk, but then I think that I have learned to control it and I will be okay etc. I have to talk myself out of those irrational thoughts and just not drink no matter what. It isn't fun and I hope I can regain some sanity!
Pigtails is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:04 AM.