MentalLoop

I have been on a bit of grail quest in my 3+ months of sobriety. I have basically hit the reset button on my life, and am trying to revalidate and redefine all my pre-conceived notions, all my predispositions, and most of all my beliefs. I’m a bit of an interesting bird when it comes to the notion of a higher power. I probably define the epitome of type “a” – coupled with some significant OCD. On the other hand, my faith in God is undeniable and unshakable. Yet this notion of a higher power governing my actions to quit alcohol seems like I am relinquishing a certain control over my life (and yes – I get it, that is kind of the point).

I have to say, I think I am close to coming to terms with the “true” reflection that higher power in the Big Book and AA references, and that it really doesn’t have to be about Christian or religious values (the irony is that I am very faithful BUT I am not an AA’er). Here are some revelations that I have come to terms with:

• When you enter and interact with the world, there is really only one crazy you can account for – YOUR OWN
• One of the big problems we have with others is that we assume that our interactions with them are a function of the input and feedback we give them. Said another way, [and this really hit home for me with Dee’s Perturbed post] – when newcomers post (or anybody for that matter) – and people reply, we often fall into the trap of believing that either our post or response is confined to the issue being discussed. The reality is that for all we know, when the OP is writing they are drunk, or may have just been told that their partner is leaving them. Similarly, when somebody responds with hard love, we don’t know if the person replying just saw a trigger that reminded them of one of their drunk horror shows that caused more pain in their lives than anything they can remember or if frankly, they are responding drunk (i.e. angry at themselves). In a nutshell – the only crazy we know is our own. We have no clue what is going through somebody else’s mind.

Why is this relevant?

For me anyway it is relevant because one of the primary reasons I drank was out of anger and resentment towards others. I don’t want to belabor this point [maybe on another post], but suffice it to say, one of my true understandings as a sober person is that the world doesn’t revolve around me, people don’t have me in their thoughts in everything they do, and certainly there is plenty that goes on in the world that will continue to go on whether I am here or not. THEN IT HIT ME…..I think this notion of a higher power is to help some of us with the understanding that the world is not all about us. Things happen – good and bad, and sometimes it has nothing to do with our actions. In fact, this has helped me understand the further clarification of the Big Book / AA that “the truth shall set you free”. When I came down to it, many of my anxieties and fears were predicated in those same resentments and anger. But why was I scared? I was scared because I either was acting in a less than honest capacity; I was scared because I may have been acting selfishly instead of in the greater good, etc. I have come to realize that only when I really try to live an honest life, can I not worry about the actions of others being directed towards me OR AT LEAST RESULTING FROM ME. For example, if I am honest about my feelings and / or intention in dealing with co-workers, then if they react poorly, I can take comfort in knowing that given the choice I would not change anything – and their reaction would have been the same as it was. Furthermore, I really have no idea what other crazy is affecting them at that very moment they are being difficult with me.

Now for those of us who are “A” personalities and self doers / self reliance individuals – I think the broader message is: We are driving ourselves insane because we put so much pressure on ourselves and our success that when it fails – much like with liquor, we also blame ourselves. The problem with that is that our own internal crazy runs amuck. How do we quiet it? With liquor!! For me, the notion of a higher power really is the acknowledgement that I can’t control everything no matter how awesome or smart I think I may be. I can’t control the behaviors and actions of others. I can’t control if I plan a wedding on Saturday and it rains. Only when I release myself of these burdens, can I release myself of my anxieties and fears. THE VERY BIG BUT….it all starts with being absolutely honest in our lives and our dealings. Only when we can’t doubt our very own intentions can we trust that whatever happens would have happened and will happen, and if we had to do it all over again it would be the same.

I have even given some thought about those who are more successful or less successful than I– and them responding that either I don’t get it, or it is easy for me to say. Well, this is what I finally realized when it comes to that – despite many 7 figure years, and multiple fancy assets – I have been a life’s amateur up until now!! Think about it – if you are in control of everything in your path and your future – and you have achieved anything less than perfection, well then you are a loser!! Of course, the reality is you don’t control everything, hell; you barely control anything in the big scheme of things. What I have finally come to understand is that a successful person is one who understands that there are many variables that we are faced with on any given day. It is not eliminating the variables, but learning how to react to them of our own FREE mind. Be that a grumpy person, a bearish or bullish stock market, or more to the point life and death. We are going to be dealt many hands in life, with cards we just hate – the successful person is one who can always “TRY” to get to lemonade, and doesn’t blame the ills of the world on themselves or others. The minute that happens, the minute self pity kicks in – guess who is coming to save the day? LIQUOR!!!

In a nutshell – even if you don’t believe in God or a higher power, be honest to yourself and recognize that you are not God either. I hope this last sentence is understood in the context it is intended. We do not control life. So – God, nature, the elephant, or the sky…whatever you believe, just know that you don’t control it. That is what got me to the understanding that my drinking is not entirely in my power. I think the mistake that everybody makes is thinking that when people refer to higher power they are saying that “Pray to God, and presto, you won’t pick up the drink” NO!!!! Instead – God will help you understand that all those things that are going on in your life that are driving you to drink, are not things you can control, and as such don’t blame yourself. This absolution de-links the therapeutic benefits of alcohol over any given situation, because the alcohol can’t solve it. It is not in control. For me, thankfully, it is God that is in control. For you – it just may be the cosmic pattern of the universe. Either way, let’s take our ego’s down a notch and reconcile that in either case, it is not US!

Still not a member or attendee of AA (went to one meeting a few weeks back…but that was it!), but very respectful of the message.

OCDDan

Thanks ML! I always read your posts when I see them..

Zencat

Ops I posted here when I thought I was on another post...sorry.

MentalLoop

Thanks...but not quite four. Then again, I don't really count anymore.

mwstylee

Thanks for that last paragraph, MentalLoop. It is helping me a bit in understanding even the idea of a higher power. I've been a lifelong atheist and my parents are as well, so the idea of a higher power seems so impossible for me to understand. I feel I have a very internal locus of control when it comes to every single thing in life. That's why I'm so hard on myself and can never blame anyone/anything else. I mean, it's my life, my decisions so my failures/vices are my own fault. I just honestly can't get my head around the idea that there is an all knowing entity that is pushing the buttons.

I even tried to force myself to wrap my head around this since I started seriously attending AA about 1 1/2 weeks ago, but I still can't do it. Now I go to AA for the support and camraderie rather than the spiritual aspect. I don't know what it will take for me to relinquish everything to some mysterious higher power, I honestly wish I could do that. But my hard wired logic isn't allowing that to happen. Your post helped, though.

MentalLoop

I think the point I am realizing is that the primary point is that we have to accept irrespective of our beliefs in Deity's or otherwise, WE as individuals are not all knowing and all powerful. That was my problem - I believed I made my future, that I was in total control - which rationally is just not possible. Hell our diseased brothers and sisters prove this to us every single day - If i get hit by a drunk driver....what power do i have to stop that. Of course I have taken an extreme, but you can apply this to almost every facet of life. I think what I am realizing is that my path to recovery is contingent about believing that I do my best at everything, and trusting that the rest will fend for itself.

newleaves2012

I think I'm going to reread this post by mentaloop about 20 times. thanks for sharing that

Zencat

Now I'll post here...I'm such a ditz sometimes...LOL...I forget what thread I'm on, post and then see I'm one a completly different thread that I thought.

Well thought out post ML, thanks for your share.

It is good to know that I'm not God or the be all to end all of everything. I like to think I know my place. I'm just another human in a world filled with others much like myself. Like anyone, I want to be treated fairly, with kindness and have a sense of worth to others. In return I do my best to treat others likewise. If I can have master over my thoughts and actions, then I'm being the best I can be. I am no master over others as with a great many things in the world.

2granddaughters

I have been in AA recovery for quite a while and my "Higher Power" has never been a Christian thing. Truth is I have had many Higher Powers in my life, booze and drugs being the most powerful years ago.
The "God people" seem to get this program a lot easier than I do but I have something in my life today that I can rely on when I run out of strength, be it physical, mental or spiritual strength.

I had to quit putting the cart before the horse (I can't/won't do AA because I have a hang-up with the Higher power thing) and begin working the Steps so the 2nd Step could begin to manifest itself in my life (Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity). It's a process.

An oldtimer told me once that if I was still looking for a Higher power and not summarily dismissing it that I was right where I should be.
Sounds like you are right where you should be as well MentalLoop .

All the best.

Bob R

Bob R

instant

Thanks ML

When I was young I used to lie on the lawn with my brother and discuss the size of the universe and wonder what it was 'contained' in. Now I get frustrated in traffic.

Love your work