First Post - I'm sure it's all been said before
 

Good evening,

I'll try to be concise, but first a comment. Nothing in this first post should be read to look like gloating or self-importance. I want to keep it concise, and any reference to my "successes" in life should are not meant to be self laudatory. Rather, my fight with alcohol makes me feel like the biggest loser in the world. With that said, I want to make this very concise, so if you can relate, please read knowing I'll keep it brief. Also, I am sure as hell not here for sympathy over life's wrongs. I am the one who is responsible.

I am a 44 year old male who by all appearances has everything. A successful business, a beautiful wife, expensive cars, large home, vacation home on the Gulf of Mexico, etc. No, I am not John D. Rockefeller or Bill Gates, but I've done okay. The fact of the matter is that none of that will amount to much of anything before too long, because my drinking is entirely out of control. I suppose I was predisposed to drinking because of the very boundless energy that brought me success. The mind is always in overdrive. I suppose it's because I have so much energy that I have been able to drink since I was 16, although until my 30 it was always weekend binges.

Cutting to the chase, now I black out drink virtually every time I tough a drop. Full disclosure: I just opened a beer. I am not drunk, as it's the first beer, and I have not had anything to drink in three days.

My behavior has been somewhat erratic. I am well known in social circles, but as my drinking has increased, I have been angry and even been bounced from bars for starting fights. Not so good for the social standing.

I have been to detox twice. The first time, in Feb of last year on a Sunday, feeling better than I had in years, I went to a Superbowl party on got drunk. I "self detoxed" last month by going to my vacation home and eating great, running on the beach, and hitting the gym every night. Felt great....I actually did it! I was drunk a week later.

Excuses for drinking: I can still go to the gym several times a week and bust ass. I can run a 5k. All of the social engagement. And tonight: "No hard liquor or shots, just beer." I cannot go to rehab, because I am the business owner, etc.

The reality: As mentioned, nearly every time I drink, I black out. Badly. The hangovers have been so bad that it is taking three days to feel good again. Being a successful business owner may sound great, and I am not complaining, but it comes with it's own form of Hell: You have employees that answer to you and can cover during binges. In spite of the affect, I cannot stop. Once I take a single sip, I am in for the long haul. Oh, and if you are wondering about how my wife feels, she's an alcoholic too (and one of the best people I've ever met, she's just sick, like me).

I have always been skeptical of AA, in part because of the "higher power" stuff, which I translate to mean that you must believe in Christianity. Don't get me wrong, I am not "anti-Christian," just grew up in a very religious household, and consider myself agnostic I guess. Also, being the Type A that I am, the "powerless" thing is tough for me, in spite of basically just admitting I cannot stop. The problem solver in me wants to believe there is a solution.

Thanks for listening, and this is just my introduction.

There is a solution, you just haven't found it yet, James. You can do this. Hey, I was skeptical of AA, but still found it helpful. Wasn't much for the "churchy" aspect of it, but put those concerns behind me because I really needed to focus on getting sober and hard as I tried, I could not do it myself. I was powerless over alcohol, once I took that first drink. Today, I'm happy and sober. Just for the record, I got sober in AA, but haven't attended a meeting in over 6 years. Sometimes we just need a bit of structure to set us on the right path. There are other programs other than AA that may appeal to you. It sounds like you are on the right path and ready to make some changes. Coming to that rationalization is key! Welcome and my best to you!

Losingmymisery is right, there is a solution. But it's not in you, otherwise you would have fixed things by now right? I tried a few times alone and it always ended in a long hard relapse. I was very anti-AA, I would basically call myself an atheist, but I gave in and it worked. I'm 9 months sober and feeling great. You sound very intelligent, I think your brain is getting in the way though.

Welcome to SR!

(((BostonJames))) - Welcome to SR!! Though AA is great for a lot of people, there are other forms of recovery. I actually have no problem with the Higher Power thing, I just use what I learned back when I did go to meetings, a little of this, a little of that..mostly things I've picked up from people here.

I'm coming up on 5 years in recovery, and it's in large part to people here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Welcome. Thanks for sharing. You are not alone.

Welcome BostonJames!

You're not alone - it was hard for me to admit I couldn't stop and kept thinking that it would be different "next time" if I just tried harder. The next morning I would find myself wondering how it happened - AGAIN.

I'm glad you found us..... I was drinking when I made my first post, too. The support here has made all the difference in being able to stay sober. Keep reading and posting!:)

Welcome James! I'm glad you've decided to take a cold, hard look at what alcohol is doing to you. Many of us have similar backgrounds to yours. Early in our drinking careers, we could handle it - only to find ourselves completely dependent on it later in life.

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, 'alcoholism is a progressive disease'. Over time, our tolerance grows. When I was in my 20's I got high on a few beers. In the end, a 30-pack a day wasn't enough to achieve the desired effect. Unlike you, I just kept on going with it - insisting willpower alone would work. It didn't. I almost lost my life proving that I can't touch a drop.

Please keep reading and posting. We're glad you've decided to reach out for a better life.

welcome James. and your post was very honest. I'll tell ya, alcohol will take away your life after it takes your material possessions. you still have both, which could be a huge motivator. this AA thing might seem uncomfortable but you can start by reading the Big Book online. it will tell you about your personal freedom of experiencing a higher power. in full disclosure, I read the book and spend like 4 hours a day here educating myself and interacting with others. it's the most wonderful place i've ever been. do you feel like you are powerless over alcohol? you don't have to answer here if you don't want to but it is a question you will need to face no matter what you do. welcome!

How bout this, this is what I did. I decided to become a non drinker, no programs no struggling, just become a non drinker. I quit smoking the same way, its a bit tedious at first but its also habit forming, and it gets easier as you go, a tad boring at times but Ill take that over embarrassment and blackouts any day.

Hi BJ, I'm a highly functional alcy too. 6 months ago I decided I wanted to quit, 5 weeks ago I finally did! Your journey to recovery has started. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but a month later u could time the urges to drink in minutes. At the beginning it was 24/7 for me! I tried AA but didn't love it either so got myself an addiction counsellor and she is amazing! She was the 2nd one I tried tho. All the best :)

U are only powerless over alcohol if u put it in your mouth, if not u have the power!

Took me a near death experience to quit, otherwise I wouldn't have. I hope this site lets you see the 'kick up the backside' stories like mine to not let it get that far for you.

Welcome. Actually if you read up on the history of AA, the phrase "higher power" was put in there - after some rigrous debate - specifically to make the program more palatable to non-christians. I even know a few atheists in AA. So don't let your preconceived notions of AA stop you from trying it.

James, my GOD is Good Orderly Direction. Nothing Christian about it.

Give AA a good try, if you don't find it to be helpful you can pick right back up where you left off.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

BostonJames,
You might enjoy reading the thread on AVRT in the Secular Connections forum. I have found this technique very helpful.

I will second that there is some really good stuff to read in the secular forum.

James,

You've clearly worked so hard, been so driven and achieved very highly but I guess that despite your numerous successes you're still left craving something.

Well done on beginning this path. I'm only at day 15 myself and am already realising that it's about so much more than the alcohol.

I send you my best wishes for peace and continued sobriety. X

So many of the drunks I know (including the #1 - ME) are so highly intelligent that it really amazes me how we refuse basic logic? If we're so smart why do we put poison in our bodies? Why do we waste our hard earned resources and time on blacking out and sleeping for days? Basic logic tells us what to do and yet we do something else. I think that it is chaos.... the oppposite of logic. I am beginning to strongly hate chaos. I hope that all of us can find some order and logic (basic levels) to guide us through this storm.

Wow James, reading that sounded like I was reading something I wrote.

I too am a business owner. I'm not quite on your level yet (at 27 I have a few years to go ;) ) but I have 2 homes and lot's of nice things.

I didn't recognize my problems for a long time because when I looked at myself I didn't fit the standard stereotype of an alcoholic... I'm functional and successful by day. But by night... bring on the blackouts and everything else that goes with the territory.

Slowly but surely, however, my standing in the community and among friends has suffered because of my drinking, and it started to affect my family as well.

I'm merely 7 days sober, so I can completely relate to how you are feeling.

Stick around, this is a great place... and there's ALWAYS someone online when you need to vent.