Dee74

We've had a few newcomers leave recently over the reception they got here.

That disturbs me....no, actually it ticks me off.

I know that when I got here I was looking for any reason to pull the plug on this whole recovery malarkey...I was terrified of the whole idea and incredibly skittish.

I try not to forget that.

I really admire the passion and the commitment and the experience of the people we have here.

I do take the point as well that the people who really rankled when I got here were amongst the people who I now credit with helping me stay sober today, all these years later.

But people arrive here at all points of the journey - one approach does not always fit all....and I'm not even talking method here, I'm talking tone and intent.

I don't believe we should be in the business of driving folks away.

I've made a lot of mistakes here over 5 years of daily posting - I've made jokes that were inappropriate for the situation, other times I've been sarcastic, or even ridiculed people.

All that made me feel better - but I still wonder if it helped the person I was posting to.

Sadly, most of them aren't here to ask.

share your experience - please by all means- it's our currency... but if you're not getting a good response, or you feel frustrated or feel yourself becoming too emotionally invested maybe it's best to stop, take stock, and think about helping someone else?

D

Hevyn

It makes me feel awful to think anyone was driven away. I try to remember how fragile I was when I came limping in here. If I hadn't received just the right reception, I would've been gone in a flash, too. Thanks for the reminder, Dee.

Sharzy

I must admit, I nearly left the other day. I wrote a post and some of the answers I got were very sarcastic (or seemed to be) but after only about 30 minutes of thinking about it I realised why they felt that way to me and was actually grateful that I had been spoken to that way. If that makes sense. It did make me think, once I had got over being upset.

sober4metoday

I bothered myself so much yesterday I almost left too!

Thanks Dee!

debsam

Although I am very close to my family, there are many things, even after almost a year of sobriety, that I do not discuss with them. I come here, to SR....for the support and true understanding....because we have ALL been there.

Very important that we are all responsible with our energy on here. I never forget just how low I was.

Thanks Dee for the check-in

hypochondriac

Personally I've liked the challenges people have confronted me with on here, but I can see how it's easy to misconstrue text, especially in terms of tone. I think the winky smiley face may be the new comma

eJoshua

Thanks for writing this. I get really frustrated when newcomers leave because they get a misconception about the climate here based on the posts of a few very vocal and...passionate (?) people.

MycoolFitz

Sad i try to respec7 and support. I hope i have not been an injury to anyone Done enough harm i my life don't want to do any here

Rexfiles

Actually, this post got me thinking.

I was planning to stay around this section around the first 30 days, then starting with the nuts and bolts after that.

I probably should speed that process, as even though I am still not quite two weeks sober, I really am not a newcomer at all.

I am compassionate as the next guy, but perhaps not as deft as I should be.

I am 56, have been drinking for around half my life in total years, have made, and heard EVERY excuse, and have fourteen years experience of old timers pulling my covers and exposing my stinkin' thinkin' for what it really is.

I also am a business owner, an employer, in the construction field, and a biker.

I am well read, and IMO fairly well spoken, but lack that special touch needed in this area.

Soooooooo.....I will begin the steps, and move over to an area where I may have less of an initial impact on the true newcomer.

I will not feel free to swing for the nickel seats, or be unkind or caustic, but need my covers pulled myself to expose some more of my character defects.

Besides, I'm only off the sauce for 12 days, and may (understatement) be a tad grumpy.

Well, anyway, I will defer to those with a softer initial touch.

Peace.

Rex

LosingmyMisery

Delivery is everything. However, there are times no matter how you try the message isn't ready to be heard. That is the way it was for me. I didn't want to hear the truth. When I was ready, I listened, but I sure did get angry before I found acceptance. I absolutely understand the reasoning behind this thread. There is a large difference between being helpful and making matters worse. I try not to post in anger or out of frustration and try to think my posts through to prevent from being offensive. However, not always successful. Thanks for the reminder.

michelle01

I've been thinking about this too, if I'm to be honest, I see things on forums sometimes that make me shake my head, and want to come down hard on someone. Then I have to remember, early in recovery I often had clouded judgement, I made my share of mistakes before getting to long term sobriety. People who sign up to a forum such as this one are often still figuring out where they stand, with regard to recovery. That was a process that took me several months - to really 'get it'. Sometimes I'm frustrated when others don't seem to 'get it', that's with the benefit of long term sobriety. But I was once in their shoes, it's easy to forget.

I believe in honesty, telling people the truth, what they need to hear rather than what they may want to hear. But there's a polite way to do it without bashing the person, without being a heavy extremist. I think in the context of the web it's even more important to be careful with your words, because you can't physically see the person on the other side of the screen, but they are still a living, breathing person who is most likely scared and confused. You may mean something one way, but it could easily be taken another.

When I'm in doubt, or want to lash out, often I take a few minutes away from the screen to put my thoughts in perspective before I post. And I have had to learn to accept, I am not personally responsible for another person's recovery and what they do with it. Being involved in the recovery field requires some patience and preparation for some sad disappointments, because not everyone is going to 'get it' right away.

Elisabeth888

I will try to make sure I am thoughtful when I post.

Dee74

Judging by the correspondence I've received I've hit a nerve.

I've resisted writing about this for a while for that very reason - I think we're pretty good at self regulation - but I wanted a dialogue on this.

I'm not singling anyone out - if I felt I needed a private chat, I'd send a PM

I absolutely believe we should share the truth - always - but I believe we can absolutely talk straight and not lose sight of what we're posting about - sharing our experience to help others find their way, hopefully with a little compassion and allowing them a little dignity too.

I'm definitely not a fan or sarcasm or ridicule, and I'm not a big fan of tough love to be honest either - I think it can be a useful strategy when you have a prior relationship with someone, but I've had the experience myself in speaking tough with someone I barely know, and I've come off as a jerk and a bully - and then, whatever good things I had to say after that, were lost.

When I share my experience and, for whatever reason, it's not received well, and I find myself getting frustrated or annoyed, the best thing for me to do is back off, push my chair back and go and think about something else for a while.

When I start to realise I'm letting things get to me and my posts are becoming more about my reaction to other peoples posts and less about my experience, I think it's a good time to consider moving onto other threads

I'm off for a day of music - I look forward to reading the discussions progression when I get back tonight

D

Terminally Unique

If you don't hit a nerve, you're doing something wrong.

Elisabeth888

Have fun Dee!

Sapling

Yeah...He hit my nerve...I'm out of this forum...Sometimes what I say doesn't sound right to people....Guilty as charged...I apoligize to the guy that left today...I have a few of you that I've been helping out that can reach me by PM...Hope I helped some of you saps stay sober...It's off to the alkie forum for this alkie...Keep it real...

LosingmyMisery

I've learned from trial and error, from both ends of the spectrum. I know there was a time I pushed overly hard. It was my belief or nothing at all. I tried to beat others over the head with my way. In time, I've learned that my beliefs changed and that my approach was not very appealing or efficient. It has taken years to come to the conclusion where I understand all I can do is offer my experience, what worked for me. If someone isn't interested, I tried and I can't make anyone one do anything they aren't willing to, or ready for. We learn to move forward and attempt to help someone else or in another way. Sobriety and recovery is a process and possibly ever evolving. I know I still have a thing or two to learn.

recoverywfaith

Well, I am so sorry others got sent away....it would be nice if they can find their way back to SR....and that we have not lost them completely...or that they find their way to hope, peace and serenity in lasting recovery.

Thanks for the post Dee.

newleaves2012

I guess the truth can be delivered with a sledgehammer or...well, something a lot less than a sledgehammer. lol! I think there is a place for tough love but probably not with strangers. my plan, my joy, is in this newcomers section. I will do my best here and defer to Dee if I should get off the path. but yeah, I've seen stuff, none of it towards me. it did make me wonder what my reaction would've been and if it would've influenced my sobriety. yesterday I read my intro thread and everyone was so accepting. it's why I came back. I do love you guys.

Purplecatlover

We are all at different levels when we come here.
Most people just want someone to talk to, to know they're not alone.
To feel welcomed, accepted & cared about. Not to be judged.
They've probably beaten themselves enough, they don't need us to do that.

We're all here to help, support, & ENCOURAGE each other in a healthy way.
Sorry that this happened. I will be more aware of my own responses.

Thanks Dee for all you do. You have a tough job & you do it fabulously