janiebluebird

Ever since I decided to get sober 18 days ago I have been going strong- staying positive, working out a lot, reading & posting on here. I honestly haven’t even felt much like drinking. I hung out with friends twice, just low key nights at someone's house, and I succeeded in not drinking (while some were, some weren’t).

Here’s the predicament that I am struggling with: I have a group of friends that I normally hang out in NYC with every weekend- prior to my decision to get sober 2.5 weeks ago. Two of my friends want to do a late dinner tomorrow night, and I’m really torn as to what I should do. I know that I want to stay sober, and think that I can manage to have dinner without alcohol… but on the same token, arriving in the city may have a stronger influence on me than I think (I live 30 minutes outside of the city so its a little bit of a trip to get there, and once I get there…I’m in nyc and, there’s a ton of stuff going on, including bars everywhere).

Ideally I would like to have dinner with my friends and enjoy a tonic&lemon. I think I can do it, as I was able to be around my other [more local] friends and just drink water or soda. Still there is a lingering feeling that my mind could sway given the environment.

I guess it feels hard to let go of my prior life completely. I would like to see those friends. I know they will be drinking, but I think I can handle it. I could be wrong.

I’m torn right now on what to do. I want to maintain my sobriety, but I also want to see my friends. I know the likely direction that advice will go in, and the advice I’d probably give to someone in my shoes. Its just so much harder to take it from yourself.

eh1988

No one can make you do anything, if you feel strong enough to do it, you're going to. I'd suggest waiting a while, 2.5 weeks is great but I'm not sure it's good enough to be in a bar area around drinking.....for me at least. I was invited out tomorrow night for a friends dinner party at his house, I'll be skipping that as well. I plan on doing none of that this weekend haha.

Theophania

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, is this dinner more important than your sobriety? it could potentially see you drinking again... Is it worth that?

BillyPilgrim

I agree, it is all tiny steps, by asking the question you are realising that you have to negotiate a trigger, but you can also avoid it. At this stage I would avoid

DayTrader

It's a matter of priorities....If sobriety isn't a priority, then it won't be a priority...know what I mean?

I keep the recovery process up near the top of the list....right below my relationship with my HP, which comes first. I don't "like" some of the decisions I have to make as a result of those priorities.....a lot of the times it means I must do what I NEED to do rather than what I WANT to do. I'm responsible to maintain this gift of sobriety and that requires a fair amount of maturity.....maturity I didn't exhibit all that often back when I was under the screws of alcoholism.

Choose wisely......your sobriety and maybe even your life are on the line. I'm sure you'll have plenty of other opportunities to hit the city. It isn't going anywhere.....nor are your friends, if they're TRUE friends. If you're getting internal warning signs popping up....it's probably in your best interest to pay attention to them.

Sapling

I have to say I've wondered if you were really ready to quit for good or not Janie....I remember you were all excited about going to a meeting and staying stopped...And then you just kind of put that idea away...I wondered if you had more of a fear...That it might work....More than anything else. I've heard it said that relapses are premeditated....That you've already put the thought into your mind long before you pick up that first drink...That you have more drinking to do...That you're not done. This isn't a situation that would have even crossed my mind at 2 and half weeks...I was done...I knew...I had to lose friends....I had to change things that I did...Like going downtown for a "late" dinner...I had to find a program that works...Not talked about trying to find one...And put everything I had into it...I was READY to completely let go of my prior life. And this thread wouldn't have been an issue for me. 8 months later I can say...So far...It has worked....One day at a time. I was done.

janiebluebird

I am leaning towards not going as of now. Part of me wants to prove that I can go out and socialize without having a drink, and then go home early. I guess that would be more like "white knuckling" it so to speak. Maybe you are right, Sapling. I'll be thinking about this the rest of the day. Thanks for the advice, its really appreciated.

freshstart57

Janie, I agree with you that you don't want to let go of your prior life completely, nor should you. Unlike some of us, you had many social outlets that didn't always involve getting drunk, and your friends are important to you. Your long term sobriety vision includes a fine meal with friends where alcohol is simply a non-issue for you. You will have developed the 'sober muscle' to the point where watching alcohol being consumed, even by friends who previously enjoyed this with you, will have absolutely no effect on you.

Here is the big question for you. Have you had enough sober experience that you can guarantee that each of those things above is true? You want to be extra really extra super sure here. If you go, make a plan with an exit strategy, because, you remember, you never drink now.

janiebluebird

Thanks, freshstart, that made me feel more at ease about it. I want to see my friends and I wish that alcohol wasn't an issue, but alas it is. I do have some doubts. I have to admit that I already had what I've heard people on here refer to as their "alcoholic voice" surface and say that maybe I can have a nice beer. I quickly shut that down and thought no way, and of how much I am enjoying my sobriety and how my better I feel about my life in general. It was there, though. I'm thinking of possible solutions, which would be to either not go, or ask my friends to do a different activity such as a movie.

Sapling

You can...At two weeks I was doing that every day...Sometimes three times a day..I had to think about what was safe for me to do...And what wasn't. I want to see you make it Janie....That would make me happy. It really would.

doggonecarl

You say you meet up with these friends every weekend. Meaning, there will be other weekends in the future. If they are truly your friends they will be there, even if it's a weekend a year from now.

Or they aren't your friends.

janiebluebird

I've been reflecting on everything everyone said all day and deliberating about what I need to do. I decided to cancel on dinner (already done). I'm going to go to an open discussion meeting at 8:45 tonight. I think it is time. There's a 7:15 step meeting before that, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to start the steps. While I was considering what to do, I also realized that a big part of not wanting to cancel dinner was because I didn't want to let my friends down. I realized that I have to take care of myself first for now, and saying "no" to people is going to be a big part of that.

Sapling

That sounds like a much better plan to me Janie...Did you see that site I posted on going to a first meeting? If not....Here you go...It covers what you need to know for a first meeting pretty well...Can't hurt to look at it...I think it's great you're doing this...Make sure you tell us how it went...I think you'll like it...

Your First AA Meeting<

freshstart57

Janiebluebird, I am just a little proud of you right now. Your friends will be proud of you too. And verklempt.

Dee74

I think you made a wise choice Janie

I was a little bit conflicted when I quit - I knew I wanted to, but I also had 20 years of drinking behind me, it was all I knew, and I was a people pleaser too. I came undone a few times...

I needed some time away to work on myself and to be absolutely sure I was committed 100% to this sobriety thing.

When I did start going out again, I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew that no social situation would or could make me doubt my commitment.

I'm glad I waited

D