flamingredhair

I've been MIA from this group and not doing very well. I haven't stopped drinking and I don't know why. I don't know why I can't NOT listen to that voice that says it's okay to drink. I only end up full of regret.

I have to face my husband and daughter yet again.

jocata

Do you have a program or were you just white knuckling it?

I found it impossible to do without some help.

God bless.

flamingredhair

I have a program but obviously I'm not working it.

DayTrader

Here's something to ponder: Maybe you just can't ALWAYS ignore that voice.

Probably, on your best day, with all your defenses up......that voice is beatable. On anything less than the best day and under the best conditions, you lose and it wins.

The AA book speaks about 'strange mental blank spots' where, seemingly out of nowhere and against all previous decisions to not drink, the alcoholic ends up drunk. Did ya ever seem to find yourself "struck drunk?" A time when you were 2 or 3 drinks into a party and you don't really remember deciding to drink that first one.......almost like it was in a blackout? (usually, if you think about it, you CAN remember that first one......but for a minute there, it took a little bit of work). That didn't happened to me not a lot......but it did occasionally.

That kind of drinking scared me.... How could I defend something when I'm asleep to it. It was like trying how to be alert and awake....when you're sleeping!

One reason you may do it is because you're a chronic alcoholic, you're suffering from untreated alcoholism (which "not drinking" does NOT treat) and you're unable to adequately defend yourself, at all times, from the first drink. If that's the case, the ONLY option I know of is AA. It's the only recovery program I know of (well......ok....... CR - aka Celebrate Recovery, would be another) that is built around the presumption that nothing you nor any human can do will keep you from picking up that next first drink.

Alternatively, maybe you're doing one of my own pastimes - "thinking about doing something about your drinking problem but not DOING anything about it......other than thinking." Maybe what you need to do is buckle down and get serious about DOING SOMETHING about your recovery........and it's probably going to be something different that what you've tried already......and it's probably going to be something you don't feel like doing...... Maybe getting plugged into SMART, RR or working on AVRT will be the ticket to freedom for you. I dunno......but I know you better try SOMETHING if you be alcoholic.

Hoping to get better / wanting to get better is great but it's usually insufficient. Any recovery I've ever seen involved a fair amount of "doing."

If it's AA......there's a warning about "half-measures" right before the steps. The results aren't half......they're nothing.

flamingredhair

It's the "doing" that seems to be the problem. Or not doing.

I'm disgusted with myself.

eh1988

Guilt and Shame just makes you want to drink more, take a step back and realize how important the people in your life are. Your husband, your daughter, you have to be there for them. When I was sober for 6 months I started off counting the minutes, then the hours, then the days, then the weeks etc. It was so unbelievably hard, my leg would shake compulsively (anixety) and I would not be able to control it for more than a minute or two, I would even shake my freakin leg when I was trying to go to sleep. Right now I'm currently back on the drink, trying my hardest to stay away from it. Day 1 of sobriety is always tough, we'll see how it goes.

Mo S

I'm sorry you are struggling.

In reference to your statement "I havent stopped drinking and I don't know why"". Maybe you are an alcoholic. "Men and women who have lost the ability to control their drinking". Thats what it boils down to.

Perhaps you can look at the pattern and change something. ANYTHING. Better yet EVERYTHING.

I hope you find a program that truly works for you......something is amiss.

I wish you all the best.

flamingredhair

I KNOW I'm an alcoholic. Not denying that.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're struggling FRH.

I could never not listen to that voice either - you know where that got me.

I know you want to quit - you wouldn;t be back here otherwise.
Fan that spark - make some definite moves - if you've been missing meetings go back, if you've been pretending all is well, reach out and ask for help.

You don't need to interact with that voice and you don't have to win any arguments - you just have to act. Do things.

I really want to see you find that willingness to act in you again

D

chickateetah

Feel better, Red.

I'm new to this-- on my eighth day, but not for the first time-- and one thing that has been really helpful to me this past week is to be very present in moments of stress. I guess what I mean is that I used to grab a beer to relieve stress, and I've been trying to feel the stress instead of trying to make it go away. Does that make sense?

When I have found myself three beers in on a weeknight and I don't know why, it's usually because I'm trying not to deal with something else, and sometimes I don't even know what that "something else" is. So I'm trying to stay very conscious of how I feel. It's working so far.

flamingredhair

Feeling very depressed.

flamingredhair

Depressed.

Hevyn

I completely understand. I went through so many of those times until I finally understood I couldn't touch the stuff. There was never 'just one drink' - there was only 10 drinks - & blackouts. It was so hard to be convinced it was poison to me.

I felt like you do right now, when I put it down for the last time. One of these times will be your last FRH. There's no doubt you can do this.

Elisabeth888

Hi Red! I have missed you.

I am sorry you are feeling depressed.

eJoshua

I'm glad you are back here!

DayTrader

You're talking my language!

Not only did "guilt and shame" tag team me into the worst depression I've ever EVER had (and that happened IN AA....with a sponsor, working the steps, and probably getting better at the same time), but I too have slpent a LOT of time hating myself for my "lack of action." And I don't mean "disappointed" either...I mean like hard-core frickin' HATE.

Sometimes it's just sloth......but sometimes it's unrealistic expectations of myself. I always wanted to be doing better than I was. Accepting myself, as I was right then and there was totally foreign to me.

The good news is......you can recover from that crap too. I'll warn ya though, you've gotta start (if you're not already) talking about it, you've gotta get some help/advice from folks who've dealt with it successfully, and you've gotta get serious about incorporating recovery into some additional areas of your life. Dragging my feet in this type of work was VERY painful...very very depressing. That I didn't get loaded out of my mind is a testament to that Higher Power I trust in...there's just no other explanation.

If you ever wanna talk........shoot me a PM. Been there / done that, yanno. I'd be happy to help and/or point you in the right direction.