Aboreal

I am 32 years old. From the age of 14 I have had a problem with alcohol. I have destroyed relationships, myself and my hopes with it.
I have severe depression (which if I am honest) is caused by it. I have had therapy to no success, I have left very few close friends, no hobbies, no drive, this morning my fiancee who is the most beautiful woman I ever met gave me back my engagement ring. I have no savings. In the navel gazing words of Kurt Cobain, I hate myself and I want to die.

I don't want to be a ***** about it. I want to stop drinking. I hate drinking. But I really don't know much else. In my professional field I am one of the countries top experts (small country but, hey!)yet I don't care about it anymore and I am just throwing it away. All I want to do is drink to forget how much i hate myself. As I joked to a friend yesterday, I probably could have a top fighter pilot but I wanted to give the world a chance by drinking. It's a very narcisistic joke, but it's how much I realise that it is affecting my potential.

I don't drink to the point of drunk everyday. I have stopped beer, I try and drink red wine, but the smallest thing sets my into a depression which in itself is an excuse to drink and then its everything until I black out. I don't puke and am quite lucid, I talk but then I just get more hateful or incendary. Yesterday my girl said I said something horrible to her when she came to see what i was up to in the kitchen, I don't remember, I am so sorry and sad about that. I don't want to be the ***** that tells people he loves horrible things. I am two people and I feel more and more I am choosing the bad me.
I have no recollection of it. I am off sick again today. I am sick, this isnt right. I need to stop this. The doctors gave me an appointment on friday. Which is fine I can not drink until then. But the way i am feeling I need to talk now.
I am aware of how arrogant I come across above. I am not. I am worried if I stop drinking I will lose friends. The ones that find my cynacism funny. My sense of humor will diminish. I don't want a 12 step or god. I just want to stop being an *******.
I stopped drinking last summer, for two weeks, that's the longest I ever managed since I was 14. I've been homeless because of it. I lost a job years ago because of it. I have a reputation for being horrible because of it. That's why I mentioned before, I try to not drink beer, or spirits, only wine (but last night the wine ran out and I started on cognac), I thought i was on the way to solving this finally, but if i get in the right (or wrong) mood then it's all hell let loose. i have been arrested, lost entire days, been robbed, beaten up, been in stupid situations, said hurtful things, smashed things up. All because of binge drinking.
I am also probably rambling because I am hungover (naturally).
I really want to stop but I feel that my drinking is so engorged within my id that without it I dont know who I am.
I have tried stopping before, being asked to before, have done far worse before, but I really really want to stop. When I have tried before, the guilt and the self loathing have always got there first or I have convinced myself i am better.
Basically, I have come on here today for a bit of support and also to give it. I am stopping today. I think I just need to speak to people who are feeling the same. If we are there for each other, then maybe, you know, we might actually kick this this things ass.

eh1988

Hello, I'm new to this forum and everything you wrote was pretty damn close to what I'm going through, albeit you're a bit older than me I feel like we're in a pretty similar situation. I'm 23, I've been drinking since 17, but really hit the bottle hard around 20. I'm extremely good at what I do (work wise) honestly probably one of the best in my state, I make very good money especially for a person my age. But I'm also an alcoholic on the verge of losing his fiance all for this. I proposed to my high school sweetheart just a few months ago and she's already given me an ultimatum, after she found out I was drinking on a daily basis. I hardly ever get "drunk", but I like to maintain a constant buzz (not like it's any better, but that's my preference). I work full time and often take lunch breaks to hit the liquor store for a few beers and come back with a buzz before finishing my work day, then I just hangout and drink my night away until the next day. I too feel like I'm 2 different people, I feel like I have (inner mood swings) all day, everyday. I don't think there is any person on earth that can be as sweet and loving and as mean and cold as me, it's such a scary contrast. I feel depressed daily, I REALLY want to quit, but I seriously don't know where to start, drinking everyday isn't exactly an easy thing to get over. I want to keep my fiance, I want to change, just seriously don't know how. I'm so f*cking tired of this life, I'm so sick of it, I want to change but I end up taking another drink. I feel so pathetic.

instant

Welcome to you both.

Alcohol cost more than it gave me in the end. It took me many tries to get started but there is a way to freedom (I am nearly 10 months into it) and more self respect. SR is a great place. There is a thread of peoples stories on the main page, and the daily support threads are great to join when you start out.

awuh1

Sounds much like what happens to many of us who end up here. You don’t sound arrogant by the way. You sound trapped. The alcohol relives the depression for a bit then…. well, you described it. Sounds like you need help with both, at the same time.

Right now it may seem as if the alcohol is such a big part of you that somehow you would not know how to be “you” without it. After I got some weeks into recovery I began to discover who was hiding under the alcohol. It was somewhat awkward at first, like learning a new skill, but gradually it became easier. And yes, I also had a depression to deal with.

Deal with both of them and stay close to others who have been just where you are now. I would encourage you to post here and to go to AA. only because it was so helpful to me. I could not stand the God talk at first but I did get a lot from the meetings. I know you don’t like the idea of 12 steps and God. Actually that’s not a problem. It’s a spiritual not a religious program (though that may not make a lot of sense to you now). “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”. Sounds like you qualify. Just attempt be tolerant of those who think differently than you do and be as honest as you can.

My best to you.

Aboreal

I forgot to mention I live in a country where I don't speak the language that well. I also tried AA 10 years ago. Wasnt for me. That's why I am posting here. I will bookmark this thread. Keep up with eh1988. I need this.

eh1988

Sounds good, feel free to message me anytime. This is my first day here but I plan on visiting daily.

Aboreal

I did and I absolutely understand. I am crying alot as I type this

Nirvana1

Sounds like both you guys still have the girl. I lost mine due to drinking. I'll have to live with that pain for the rest of my life, even though I'm with an amazing girl in the present day. The only reason I have a shot at life this time is because I'm sober. Life is still not all rosey, as I'm replying to to you at 4 am cause I'm not feeling well again, but I would be absolutely nothing if I continued to drink.

See your Dr. and be completley honest with them. They will help. Come on these boards and get help. Be open minded and understand that you don't have all the answers. Learn what others did to get and stay sober and copy them. If you really want to change for the better, you can. It will be more work than you expect but can also save your life.

Sapling

I tried AA about 15 years ago....It wasn't for me either....Well...I shouldn't say I tried AA....I went to a meeting...At my Ex-ex-wifes request....I had no intention of stopping drinking when I went in there...I sat in the back and closed my ears and my mind. I was OK....I could beat this thing. It made her happy, I went. Fast forward 15 years of heavy drinking that just got worse as it went along...Ended that marriage and another relationship after it. Lost everything I had...Only friends that would put up with me were drunks. I was given a gift....It's called the Gift of Desperation. I don't know where it came from...Or who gave it to me...I only know I got it before Alcohol killed me.
I gave up on all the different ways I had tried to stop...I was exhausted by that....Maybe I should take advantage of this gift I was given...And maybe I should try this AA thing...I didn't even like the name of it. But it worked for so many people...My option was dying alone...Maybe I will open my mind..and my ears...And really try and save my life like all these other people that have.
And I stopped drinking...And I went...And I felt hope this time...And I kept going..And not drinking...I found someone to show me how it works...Not sure where he came from either...But he's a good friend now that took me through the steps. That was 8 months ago...I haven't had to have a drink since..One day at a time....I found out there...That alcohol was just one of many problems I had....Fear...Deprssion...Anxiety...Self...Every form of self there his...I was loaded with it. It showed me how to deal with all this crap in my life that made me miserable....So miserable that I was ready to check out.
So today I live a new life...After 35 years of daily drinking...I'm happy....At peace with myself...I've followed some directions and it worked...And I have friends now that aren't drunks....People that care about me and I care about them.....What a gift....The gift of desperation....I hope you get it too....Because I've never been given a gift like it in my life. Whatever way you find...I hope it works for you.

Dee74

Welcome Aboreal and eh1988.

I remember how impossible it seemed to give up alcohol - my drinking defined me and coloured all aspects of my world - I had no idea what might be left once I took that away...

What I found was a me I'd totally forgotten - an authentic me, a me I'm glad to be again - a me at peace with who he is and what he does and who's not ashamed to look at himself in the mirror anymore...

Yeah it's a giant leap of faith to change your life like this, but it's really really worth it

Good to have the both of you here with us

D

eh1988

Wow, thanks to all of you for the quick response. I feel so overwhelmed with people who actually care, I really do appreciate it. I certainly am trying to get sober, I really do have everything to lose and I hope I don't end up like some of my family members who have lost it all to alcohol or drug addiction.

Sapling

Me too...Because I can tell you from experience...It's not fun.