Deluding myself
 

I feel a strong desire to throw myself back into the pit.

Before I cleaned myself up and turned my life around I was on a slow spiral down to death.

I've been really successful in the past year after 4-5 years of heavy drinking. Sometimes every day. I've been sober for over a year now.

BUT BUT BUT..... I'm craving getting drunk and smoking and being debauched. I'm craving moving to a cheap country and living high on the hog as I indulge myself. I have an internet business and do consulting so could do it.

It's very frustrating. I feel 100% better since getting sober but I wonder how well I am in the head. Wanting those things is not healthy for me. I still have this great sense of missing out. Not getting my share of fun. I walk by the bars and see the "Happy" people and want that too. But I was never a social drunk I was a stay at home and get **** faced drunk.

My biggest issue is this longing. What do I want all these things that are bad for me? I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I guess I still have a lot more work to do.

These are my Tendencies. I named myself well that first day I signed up. little did I know.

good to see you again Tendencies :)

It's good you're self aware.

Whenever I started to think about the fun other people must be having, I would read my old posts here and remind myself of the fun I definitely didn't have.

If I want fun I can go out and so whatever I want...I just can't do drugs or drink alcohol if I want to keep the life I've made for myself.

D

Aren't you going out with sober people and enjoying yourself today? Or are you still isolating? Sober fun is available today!

I have a hard time seeing how you can put those two thoughts down in the same paragraph.

Sapling highlights a good point. One, however, I understand. For me there is a fundamental conflict between the life I want and what I have now. Alcohol filled the gap before and made things worse. I think you said it well in one of your earlier postings, it's time to build a new life beyond just not drinking. A new phase, new challenges.
Keep posting, it may help.

You're an alcoholic & your alcoholic mind is trying to convince you, you're missing out.
You need to reflect on all the awful things alcohol did to you, why you quit to begin with. Play the tape to the end. You just want the buzz without the consequences. Sorry, my friend, it's a package deal.
Buzz= temporary fun = long term misery
NOT WORTH IT!!!
Be strong & fight back!

it's good to know I'm not alone in those thoughts

Hi Tendencies,



First Congrats on your little over 1 year. I remember my first year sober and I too had those thoughts still in my head. Do you remember that sayin' " If you walk 10 miles into the woods it's going to take more then just a few steps to get out again" This was so true for me. I was a 30 + years of drinking and my last 5 years was every day of hard drinking and it just about killed me.

I stepped up my recovery program and put a little more work in it and glad I did cause I just hit the 3 years sober mark and I live a life that I could never have even imagined I would have. I believe any sensible program will work as long as you put the work in it. And it's about balance and keeping your "need for recovery" in check. I think your doing good Tendencies, keep moving forward, there nothing back there in that bottle for us but death.

peace..:)

I don't know...... I think it's normal to miss it every once in a while. If you seriously feel you're missing something in your life though, maybe it's time to look for some new answers(?). Drinking is only going to take you back to hell (and you'll get there a lot faster this time).

To be honest, I think that at some point in sobriety we need to get past our old ideas of "fun." Drinking isn't about fun anyway - it's just a temporary, chemically-induced state. It's actually a way of avoiding the responsibility we have for our own happiness. Life can be about purpose and meaning, too..... doing things for others, becoming the best we can be, etc. etc......

Is there a chance you're going through some depression? Don't give in, Tendencies...... you'll never know what good things might be coming your way if you do. :hug:

Hi Tendencies.....

Sounds to me like you're missing something..... and I'm guessing it's dawning on you that "not drinking" is great but not the total solution. As I was told, very early on (before I stopped completely, actually), there's a world of difference between "not drinking" and "recovery." Interestingly, it was a probation officer who told me that too....not someone in recovery.

Romancing that old lifestyle....playing with it in your head.....ignoring the bad and focusing on what seemed to be good..... not having found a way to be happy AND sober at the same time....... All that stuff is a big "danger sign" to me.

The AA book has a part in it that, from what I can see, specifically talks about what you're experiencing. I'd heed it's warning very carefully.....

Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits.
He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine
life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

IMO, you've got "not drinking" down pretty well (a year+ since your last drink is a great accomplishment) but you're missing out on what recovery is like. Maybe what you're noticing is an indication that it's time to kick things up a notch and incorporate some new stuff into your repertoire?

Thanks for the info. It all helps. I think it's true abut romanticizing drinking too much. I do play the tape through and it's not pretty. Yesterday I reached a major milestone in my business that I would never have had a snow balls change in HELL of getting to if I was still a drunk.

Relatively speaking life is a joy. But I am missing some things obviously or I would not feel so conflicted. I'm working on it. Don't give up on me!

I had this dream a few nights ago that I drank. And in the dream I kept dreaming it was the next morning and I felt sooooo guilty and ashamed like I had thrown something so precious away. I was feeling bad in my dreams about drinking. wow. That's how I know I should not drink. My subconscious mind telling me that. How much crazy damage that would do to me.

I'm working on it.

I take it as a good sign that I never have drinking dreams, only drinking nightmares.

You don't give up on you, either.

I was talking with a friend about this just today. I think one of the things we need to eliminate is the notion that we gave up something fun—that abstinence is some sort of sacrifice. We eliminated something that was slowly tearing us apart. Missing it is akin to missing a tumor. All feelings to the contrary are illusions conjured by our addiction. There's no reason to get into a big debate with ourselves over it. The addiction wants to drink, and will never be convinced otherwise. You've made a decision to never drink again, and for good reason. There's no middle ground, and no point in arguing or trying to reason with our own addiction. Once I made that mental leap, the urges became easier to ignore, and then disappeared altogether.

That doesn't mean we don't have other voids in our life that are worth addressing, either as part of a formal addiction recovery program as DayTrader noted, or through more generalized adjustments to our lives, as artsoul suggested.

Congrats on the business milestone—you're doing great.